Chapter 8

Syed has his bags packed by the time Danny returns to the apartment.

"Won the lotto, have you?" he asks casually.

"I'm not staying here; this ends now," Syed informs him, without looking in his direction. He walks into the bathroom and haphazardly scoops his toiletries into a bag; and, coming back out, drops the bag in with his other stuff.

"I assume you haven't forgotten your family's situation?" Danny asks, as he watches him rushing about.

"Do what you have to do," he responds with studied carelessness. After quickly skimming the room to make sure he hasn't missed anything, he picks up his bags and starts to walk towards the door.

"You're not leaving."

"Get out of my way," Syed orders, when Danny moves to block his escape.

"Syed, calm down."

"I said, 'Get Out Of My Way'," he shouts, pushing him hard in the shoulder in an attempt to get past.

"Be careful," Danny warns.

Beyond caring, Syed goes to push past him once more, but Danny grabs his hand before it can connect; and, grabbing his shoulder with his other hand, he forces Syed backwards until the backs of his legs hit the side of the bed and he loses his balance, falling onto it. Danny then rips the bags out of his grip and throws them carelessly aside.

"You can't do this," he shouts, outraged; and immediately gets back up.

"I can do whatever I like to you; you've given me that power over you," Danny sneeringly reminds him. Pushing him hard in the chest, he sends him crashing back onto the bed.

"Danny, no," he cries, but it is more a plea than a command, his anger-fuelled confidence having evaporated in the face of Danny's forceful response. He turns his head away; but it doesn't matter, because Danny makes no attempt to kiss him. He grabs at Danny's hands; trying to halt their progress, as they impatiently tear open his shirt, undo the buttons on his jeans; but his own hands are trembling so much they make no impression. "It can't just be about sex," he pleads, but Danny isn't listening. The sense of urgency in his movements, the way he roughly drags the jeans over Syed's hips, his thighs ...

"I won't …," he weakly tries to insist, and yet he can't help a shiver of anticipation. He tries to be strong; his hands touch Danny's head bent over him, they move to his shoulders; he tries to find the strength to push him off, but it ends up being little more than a caress, barely felt. And then it's too late; and his head falls back, his hands grip the quilt; and his hips lift off the bed, bucking in helpless response. And it turns out that, actually, he will ...

#

"You okay?" Danny asks a little later.

"Fine," Syed mumbles. He gets up and goes to have a shower in the spare bedroom en suite.

"I've cooked some Spaghetti Bolognese, come and eat," Danny calls a little later, when he hasn't reappeared.

"I'm not hungry," Syed calls back, his voice slightly muffled.

Danny opens the door to the spare bedroom and finds him curled up on the bed.

"You'll feel better after you've eaten," he tries to coax.

When Syed doesn't respond, he goes to sit beside him on the bed. "Please, Syed," he says softly, reaching out to stroke his cheek.

"The stuff you said earlier?" Syed mumbles tearfully.

"Forget about that," he quickly dismisses.

"It's obviously what you've been thinking …"

"Syed …"

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised … I've let you make a fool of me yet again," he realises hopelessly.

"You're overreacting …"

"Maybe it's a good thing that this has happened; I needed reminding of what's really going on here, and of how vicious you really are."

"Come on, don't be like this," Danny tries to coax. He leans down to try to hug him, but Syed pushes him away.

"Not that I should need reminding, after everything you've done," he laughs bitterly.

"Would you like to watch a film?"

"From now on I'll know my place. I'll deal with the emails, cook the dinner, as usual; but I'll sleep in here …"

"No."

"… and you'll know where I am when … when you want …"

"Have you seen Blood Diamond? It's brilliant; one of my favourites ..."

"How can I spend every day and night with someone who has such a low opinion of me?" Syed says sadly. "No one has ever spoken to me in such a cruel …"

"And by 'no one', I assume you mean Christian," Danny wearily responds.

"This is nothing to do with Christian," he protests.

And then Danny asks the question he has been trying really hard not to ask from the moment he returned to the apartment, "Did you mean it when you said you would always love him?"

"What?" Syed asks, surprised. He looks up at him sharply, studies his troubled expression carefully.

"You know, it doesn't actually matter, forget I asked," Danny abruptly decides. Turning quickly away from his penetrating gaze, he gets up to leave the room. "Dinner will be ready in five minutes, and I'll expect you to join me," he coldly orders.

"It wasn't always easy with Christian," Syed says quietly before he reaches the door.

"No?" he responds a little too quickly. He turns back with indecent haste, and comes to sit back down on the side of the bed to hear more; an expectant look on his face which reminds Syed of Kamil when he's waiting to hear his favourite bedtime story.

Syed slowly pushes himself up into a sitting position, and takes a deep breath. "He could be difficult at times, especially when he wanted … stuff," he reluctantly admits.

"What sort of stuff?"

"A baby, marriage; stuff like that."

"That's pretty major stuff," Danny says with a smile. "A man with a ticking biological clock can be pretty scary."

"I let him down so badly."

"You broke up with him; it's a shame, but it's not a crime. He's disappointed right now because he ignored all the signs that you weren't happy and never really listened to you when you were trying to tell him you had doubts."

"He had no reason to think … I never really made it clear to him that I wasn't as sure as he was about everything."

"Christian was too busy planning your life together to see the signs that it was already over."

"He hasn't just lost me, he's lost my daughter Yasmin as well," Syed says sadly.

"Now that you're back in London, you won't be able to see her anymore?"

"No, I will," he reveals, his face brightening. "Amira has broken up with her fiancé, and they'll be moving back to London any day now."

"That's convenient timing," Danny remarks.

"I never expected it; she seemed happy enough with him. He was always fussing around her, which she loved."

"I've got to ask, how did you manage to get yourself married to a woman?"

"We met when I was doing business with her dad; I loved her, and I thought we could have a good life together."

"You loved her, the way you loved Christian?" Danny asks curiously.

"No, but I was very fond of her; she was more like a good friend: nice, fun to be around. I was physically and emotionally attracted to Christian; I'd never felt that way about anyone. I eventually gave up my family for him."

"I'm guessing that in the beginning this great love was based on lots of sex and hushed conversations about being together and finding ways of being together. And then, after making such a huge sacrifice to be with this amazing person, to find you have so little in common once you are living openly as a couple must have been such a shock."

"Why can't you leave it? Why do you have to belittle what we had?" Syed asks, his voice rising in agitation. "Why can't you understand that it hurts me when you ...?"

"We're just talking," Danny gently soothes. "I won't criticise him …"

Syed throws him a look.

"I'll try very hard not to criticise him, I promise," he promises, leaning over to give him a gentle kiss to prove that, this time, he really does come in peace.

"We did have things in common," Syed mumbles.

"Did you like the same books? Has he read Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment? Do you like books about body building?

I'm just curious," he adds when Syed gives him another sharp look.

"All that reading you've obviously done hasn't had a strong influence on you; it hasn't stopped you from being morally bankrupt," he challenges.

"You haven't answered my question."

"I don't know what books he likes, we haven't discussed it," he lies.

"When you weren't discussing what you were going to cook for dinner, what did you talk about?"

"We talked about lots of things."

"Such as?"

"Christian cared about me; he was a good person; he would never have swindled me out of money he knew I desperately needed."

"When you lose a few thousand, you're unhappy for a few weeks, months; a baby you don't want is for life."

"So, what did you think about Crime and Punishment?" Syed deflects; I suppose you identified with the selfish, proud Raskolnikov."

"Who?"

"The main character; he kills the pawnbroker and her sister."

"I've never killed anyone," Danny laughs.

"And you've never read the book either," Syed accuses.

"I glanced at it."

"You're kidding."

"To be honest, I'd probably be more likely to check out the body-building books," Danny offers sheepishly.

"You're a total fraud," Syed can't help laughing.

"Why did you cheat on Christian?"

"I needed to know that there was more to me than him; that he would always be there for me no matter what I did," Syed automatically repeats the answers he gave Christian.

"Bullsh*t," Danny laughs. "Is that what you told him? Because if it is; it's a great way of saying nothing, of avoiding telling the truth. You might as well have said 'It's not you, it's me' or 'I need to figure out who I am' or the old classic, 'I don't know what I want'; you didn't say any of those, did you?"

"What do you mean by 'truth'?" Syed side-steps the question with one of his own.

"That you weren't happy; that you hadn't been happy for a long time; that the reality of living with him was a far cry from the fantasy."

"I was happy."

"No you weren't; and if I hadn't come along, you'd be stuck with him for the next 20 years. You'd find yourself compromising over and over again, doing things you didn't want to do. Every so often, you'd break out and do something reckless to try to prove to yourself you could. He'd take you back each time, forgive you; act all superior, patronising."

"I needed to know that I could be me without him, that's why I cheated," Syed suddenly remembers.

"No, the cleaning products, the business you started with your wife; they were a way to prove you could still be yourself. You hooked up with me because you wanted me so badly you didn't care about the risks. You think I couldn't see the way your eyes practically sparkled with interest every time you looked at me?"

"You're so full of yourself," Syed accuses with a smile.

"I've got plenty to full of myself about."

"You're nothing special," he teases.

"The trick is to act as if you are," Danny confides.

"The things you said earlier about having no respect for me, and the other stuff; the words came so easily to you …"

"We both got a bit carried away in the end," Danny awkwardly tries to make light of it.

"Maybe a part of you believes it," Syed suggests, his voice subdued.

"It's easy to pick on a person's subconscious fears; it's what I do best," Danny murmurs, looking down in the direction of his hands. "I don't see you like that; but I imagine you probably do, in your weaker moments."

"Well, I don't see myself having sex with your wealthy gay friends for money in my weaker moments," Syed indignantly corrects him.

"I don't have any wealthy gay friends," Danny admits, his head still bowed.

"You lie so easily."

Danny shrugs helplessly. "I needed to know how you really felt about Christian, but when you said … what you said …"

"… you didn't like it," Syed finishes for him.

Danny nods uncomfortably.

Syed lifts a hand to touch his cheek; and he turns his head to press a kiss against his palm.

"I really didn't mean any of it," he whispers.

"You don't have to worry about Christian," Syed reassures, as he gently pulls him into his arms.

"I'm not worried about him," Danny denies, as he lifts his legs onto the bed and settles himself more comfortably against Syed; pressing his face against his neck, inhaling his familiar scent; his lips touching his soft, warm skin. He releases a sigh of relief at being forgiven.

"I'm in a different league to him," he murmurs after a little while.

"You're certainly different," Syed smiles.

"Why did you go to so much trouble to bring me here?" he hazards asking; but it is a question Danny isn't yet ready to answer.

"I'm starting to wonder," he responds, giving an exaggerated, long-suffering sigh.

"Danny ..."

"You know, there's a guy in North London who owes me £700, so if you don't stop asking annoying questions …"

"Really?" he asks uneasily.

"No; there is a guy, but he's straight, ugly, boring," Danny quickly reassures; sealing it with a kiss.

"No, no, I can't go another round on an empty stomach," he protests, eventually pulling away as Syed starts to remove his t-shirt. "You know how much I like my food."

"Yea," Syed sighs, letting him move away.

"If I re-heat the dinner, will you come and eat?"

"Okay," he responds.

"The guy in North London who owes you money …," he calls after him.

"He's not important."

"Danny."

"It's been weeks since I've spoken to him; I'll probably let it go."

Syed allows himself a cautious little smile.