Chapter 10
A couple of days later
"Well, if it ain't the love of my life," Christian slurs, spotting Syed as soon as he himself almost falls in the door of the Argee Bhajee.
"Table for two and a bottle of your finest wine," Roxy demands, following close behind. She grips the shoulder of a nearby diner to steady herself.
Looking around, Syed can't see Tamwar or Ali anywhere.
"This way," he says, with reserved politeness, gesturing to an empty table in the corner. He notes that Christian looks exhausted, and feels a dull ache in the region of his heart.
"So, how are things? Whose life have you wrecked this week?" Roxy asks by way of chit chat.
"I'll be back in a few minutes to take your order," Syed says turning to leave.
"How's Danny boy? Still jerking you off with one hand and ripping you off with the other?" Christian loudly calls after him, his tone filled with venom.
People from nearby tables start to look in their direction.
"Please, Christian, don't make a scene," he whispers, turning back to face him, overcome with shame and embarrassment.
"Yea, because you never make a scene, do you? You're so polite, so nice, such a gentleman; such a f**king liar, such a pathetic loser; prepared to rob from your family; have sex with any rich guy who happens to pass by; to do pretty much anything to save your skin."
"Yea. The joke is that you always thought you were too good for the people around here," Roxy chimes in; "you and that fancy ex-wife of yours. But look at him now," she goads, abruptly addressing the rest of the diners. "He's reduced to shagging a banker, A BANKER!," she shouts incredulously, looking around to check for everyone's disgusted reactions. Everyone makes a point of avoiding eye contact.
"Okay, that's enough," Tamwar angrily orders, rushing out of the kitchen to put an end to the discussion. "I'm trying to run a restaurant here," he reminds them.
"Tam, can you take their order?" Syed pleads, shoving the order book at him and walking quickly away.
"I know things aren't great for you right now; but if you continue to behave like this, I'll have to bar you," he warns.
"Yea, because I'm the one who deserves to be punished; I'm the one who hurt everyone."
"And I think you should leave Syed alone," Tamwar suggests, his voice not quite as commanding as he'd like it to be.
"I'll never understand how everyone ends up defending him, no matter how badly he treats them."
"He's my brother, and I know he regrets what happened."
"Oh well, if he's sorry, then that makes everything okay; all is forgotten; no harm done," Christian responds sarcastically.
"Going over it again and again isn't going to change the outcome; we need to move on," Tamwar tries to reason. "Why don't you have a look at the menu, and I'll come and take your order in a few minutes."
"I'm no longer hungry," Christian says flatly. He gets up and walks out.
"I am still hungry, but I'd rather starve than eat here," Roxy barks.
"That's your choice," Tamwar calmly replies.
"Do you do take out?" she demands.
###
That night
"Where have you been?" Danny demands when Syed walks in the door at just after 9pm.
"Nowhere," he responds. He goes to the kitchen without another word, and pours himself a glass of water.
"I'm going to need a little more than that," Danny insists, grabbing his arm as he goes to walk past him.
"I'm tired; I'm going to bed," Syed says, his voice flat.
"What's happened?"
"Nothing."
"Something to do with Christian?"
"It's none of your business," Syed shouts. He pulls free and walks away.
#
"I assume you haven't had any dinner," Danny greets, as he walks back into the bedroom after having had a shower.
"I'm not really hungry," Syed responds uncomfortably. "Danny, I'm …"
"Eat it while it's hot," he advises, leaving the tray down on the bed and walking out.
A little later, Syed brings the empty plate and glass back to the kitchen, rinses and puts them in the dishwasher; before going to sit beside Danny on the couch.
"It's Gladiator; just started; have you seen it; it's a top film; I think I've watched it probably three or four times now …"
"Danny, I'm sorry for shouting at you," he says quietly.
"Can you talk about it?"
"It's nothing, really," he responds unhappily.
"Come here," Danny says, opening his arms to him. Syed settles against him, resting his head on his chest.
"Danny," he murmurs after a little while.
"Yea."
"I ruin everything I touch, so why do you want me in your life?"
"Wow, someone really did a number on you today."
"My actions have had such terrible consequences," Syed sadly admits. "I've disrupted so many lives."
"Seriously, what happened; who has upset you?" Danny asks, his tone growing serious.
"I let myself be tempted by Christian to leave Amira; I let you into my life and destroyed my future with Christian …"
"You should never have been with Amira …"
"I don't want to hurt you one day," Syed says softly.
"You've nothing to worry about with me," Danny calmly assures him. "After all, it took Christian almost a year to get you away from Amira, and you stayed with him a couple of years before turning to me. So it won't matter if someone else comes along, because you're only going to be here a matter of weeks, a couple of months at most; and then I'll probably run into someone else; someone new will take my fancy, and you'll be out of my life before you have a chance to wreck it."
"Right," Syed says shakily, feeling like he's just been punched in the gut.
"Okay, I'm bushed, time for bed," Danny says with a yawn. Letting him go, he stretches his arms up above his head (to emphasise just how tired he is feeling) and then pushes himself up off the couch.
The only clue to his real feelings is the way he bangs the bedroom door after him.
#
Danny is lying on his side with his back to him, when Syed gets into the bed, and he remains that way. Eventually, Syed can bear the tension no longer, "Are you angry with me?" he asks tentatively.
"I'm just tired; it's been a long day; go to sleep," Danny coolly responds.
"Syed, just leave it," he snaps irritably a minute later, shrugging off the hand touching his shoulder.
"He was the most important person in the world to me; how could that change overnight?" Syed whispers into the darkness.
"It wasn't sudden; it happened very gradually," Danny replies with a sigh. Reaching out to turn on the bedside lamp, he turns to lie on his back; his eyes looking up to meet Syed's troubled gaze.
"I didn't think I could ever look at, let alone touch, another man."
"You've got to let this guilt thing go; you definitely could have ended it in a better way, and sooner; but the fact is relationships rarely end well, especially when one of you is still emotionally attached."
"He trusted me."
"He took you for granted; he was happy with your relationship because he had everything his own way."
"It suits you to see the bad in him."
"And you've got yourself convinced that he's some kind of saint."
"I know he's not perfect, but his heart is in the right place."
"He stamps his foot like a spoilt child if he doesn't get his way."
He can be impulsive sometimes," Syed concedes, "and once he has an idea in his head, he won't let it go. But if he'd been less strong willed, I'd probably still be with Amira."
"So, basically you let him have his way because deep down you trusted his judgement better than your own."
"I didn't always back down," Syed protests.
"Really?"
"Even though Christian forbade me from doing so, I insisted on seeing Yasmin once I knew about her," he bends the truth slightly.
"He tried to stop you seeing your daughter?" Danny picks up on the wrong part of his point.
"At the time, Amira hadn't forgiven Christian for what happened with us; she refused to let him anywhere near Yas.
Christian's response was to insist that I put him first and that we stand united; which would have meant my not being able to any spend time with Yas until either Amira relented or the courts forced her. But I couldn't do that; I couldn't wait to see my daughter, not even for him."
"How arrogant and selfish of him to expect you to wait, maybe months, to see your own child, simply because he wasn't being allowed to spend time with her. Are you sure he loved you?"
"He was afraid …"
"Do you think he would have let you keep him from his own child, if the shoe had been on the other foot?"
"Relationships aren't always easy," Syed tries to excuse; "with different personalities, there has to be give and take, compromise; when someone behaves irrationally, you have to understand the underlying reasons for their behaviour; they may be feeling insecure … Sometimes it's just about keeping the peace; my parents' relationship is a prime example; my mum ..."
"Did you ever say no to Christian?"
"Not very often; and, when I did, it was never very long before I capitulated," Syed admits with a smile.
"Give me a for instance."
"We had one of our biggest bust-ups before we knew about Yas. Christian wanted us to adopt a child; I told him I didn't think it was the right time, and he didn't take it very well. He was so passionately committed to the idea; so desperate for us to have a child of our own; so I tried to convince myself it was what I wanted too."
"That's taking 'keeping the piece' to a whole new level," Danny offers the opinion, his tone disbelieving.
"Christian's enthusiasm was so infectious that for days at a time I would let myself get carried along. But at the back of my mind was the ever-present, reassuring thought that because of our lack of family support and insufficient living space, we wouldn't meet all the requirements: I was confident my family would never approve; and I did my best to hinder our progress in getting a more suitable place to live, which I was pretty sure we couldn't afford, anyway."
"You really are not very brave, are you?"
"I don't like confrontation," Syed admits sheepishly.
"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to sympathise with Christian," Danny says dryly.
"Anyway, as I was saying," Syed snaps frostily, "we were getting nowhere fast, and then one day I came home from work to find he'd everything arranged: in the space of a few hours, he'd somehow managed to persuade my mother to speak in our favour with the adoption people, he'd found us a bigger flat; and also, from somewhere, the deposit for it."
"What did you do?"
"Earlier in the day, I'd spoken to my dad, and he'd convinced me that I needed to tell Christian how I really felt about the adoption before it was too late. But it was already too late: All our stuff was packed in boxes by the time I returned to the flat; and before I could get a word out, Christian eagerly began to fill me in on all he'd managed to achieve. He was so excited, so enthusiastic; and usually, when he was in full flow like that, I hated to ruin everything for him … when he would get in a sulk, Christian wasn't very nice to be around … he could make me feel so bad about ... stuff …," he trails off.
"Tell me," Danny gently encourages. Syed stares at him for a moment, but he can't bring himself to go any further.
"Is it fair to say he could be emotionally manipulative, sometimes?"
"We were happy most of the time."
"That's not what I asked," Danny gently cajoles.
"I don't know," he mumbles.
"Do you think you changed very much during the time you were with him?"
"I suppose I became a little less open about things generally," he ponders.
"For example …"
"Well, Christian could be a little indiscrete sometimes … he accidentally dropped me in it with Mum and Dad more than once; he didn't understand how finely balanced things were ...," Syed trails off, his thoughts reflective.
"Because of other … influences ... in my life, I had certain views; I saw things slightly differently sometimes … but I couldn't always be honest with him about how I felt; I knew he wouldn't like it if I was being all boring and disapproving all the time."
"What did you disapprove of?"
"Nothing, it wasn't anything important; maybe that's the wrong word to use."
"So, in other words, you suppressed part of your personality; you only showed him what you thought he wanted to see; basically, you became just another boring white guy."
"White guys aren't boring," Syed laughs.
"Well I'm not, obviously," Danny modestly agrees.
"Obviously," Syed says dryly.
"But seriously, you know what I mean; you come from a slightly different, some might say richer and more interesting, background to Christian and myself; which is bound to give you a slightly different outlook on life; not uncool, just different; Christian should have tried to understand that; made an effort to get to know you better."
"When we first moved in together, he asked me to tell him about my religion, but I wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"It's a private, personal thing, between me and God."
"Maybe that's not a good enough reason."
"What do you mean?"
"The first few weeks in a relationship set the tone (according to my sister). You let him think you were perfectly happy living in his world; you brought nothing to the table, so he didn't have to make any adjustments; he let you share his life, but didn't have to return the favour. You did such a good job of hiding your true self from him, that he was taken completely by surprise when you said you didn't want to adopt a child.
"I knew he wouldn't be interested …"
"You didn't give him the chance."
"Christian has no interest in religion."
"He would have understood you a lot better if you'd been able to tell him a bit about something so important to you."
"Are you saying everything that happened was my fault?" Syed sniffs.
"No, of course not," Danny assures with a smile. "But it's safe to say he was attracted to more than your pretty face; you should have had more faith in him."
"One of the first things that attracted me to Christian was his larger than life personality," Syed reveals.
"You're such a fibber," Danny laughs.
"I'm not lying," he insists.
"The first time I saw Christian, my heart sank," Danny admits.
"Why?"
"I figured there was no way I could compete with all that muscle; which is actually what first attracted you to him, if you're being completely honest."
"He is a big guy," Syed agrees.
"Too much information," Danny snaps.
"I'm not talking about that," Syed giggles, grabbing his arm as he pushes the quilt aside and attempts to get out of bed.
Danny lies back down, but his mouth slips into a pout.
Leaning forward, Syed presses his lips against his ear and whispers, "You've nothing to worry about."
The smug smile which spreads across his face is no less than Syed would have expected from him. But before he can say a word, Danny's hand is on the back of his head holding him still as he takes his mouth in a hard, possessive kiss.
"You've started something, so now finish it," he growls.
Syed accepts the challenge.
#
"What did you do once Christian finished telling you about the flat move and your mum agreeing to speak to the adoption people?" Danny asks a little later.
"Mmm," Syed murmurs.
Moving off of him, Danny turns onto his side; his head resting on one of the pillows, his hand tucked under it. He studies Syed for a moment; his face relaxed, eyes closed, cheeks still slightly flushed, his breathing still slightly irregular. Reaching out with his free hand, he touches his cheek, but his thumb stroking his soft skin isn't enough to rouse Syed.
"Are you asleep?" he asks softly.
"Mmm," Syed manages once more, his head barely moving as he shakes it in an attempt at denial.
Unable to resist keeping his company a little longer, Danny moves a little closer. "Babe," he whispers against his mouth.
"Mmm," is all he can manage; still closer to sleep than waking.
Taking his bottom lip, Danny sucks it between his lips, and Syed lets out a barely-audible sigh. Encouraged, he provocatively slides his tongue along his lips; and they instinctively part allowing it to slip inside. Syed makes a sound deep in his throat, and turns into his embrace. They share a long, languid kiss; which gently wakes him back up again.
"What did I do to deserve that?" he asks huskily.
"Can't a dude kiss another dude without it being a big deal?" Danny flippantly jokes, abruptly feeling self-conscious.
"Did you call me babe, before?" Syed persists, a mischevious twinkle in his eyes.
"No," he instantly denies. "You hadn't finished telling me about Christian and the flat move; and your reaction," he quickly prompts.
"It's okay …"
"The boxes, remember; you walked in and saw the boxes," he sharply interrupts.
"Well," Syed responds, rubbing a hand across his eyes; he has to think for a minute. "I would have to say that I panicked; yes, that's definitely what I did," he admits, his tone now more serious.
As the playful, teasing look fades from his face; Danny begins to regret asking the question.
"I remember," he says quietly, "my heart was pounding so hard, I could barely hear what he was saying. And as soon as he'd finished speaking, without having made the conscious decision to do so, I blurted everything out in the worst possible way: I told him I'd changed my mind, that I didn't want to be a dad; that I wasn't ready, that I might never be ready to have a child with him. I also told him I didn't think we were enough; and that if he wanted a baby more than he wanted me, then maybe we couldn't be together. I remember every harsh word as if it were yesterday. I know it was cruel … but these thoughts … they were things I'd worried about for so long … I couldn't help how I felt," he trails off miserably.
Danny takes his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "How did Christian react?" he asks softly.
"The way he usually reacted when I disagreed with him; he took it personally, saw it as a sign of my lack of commitment to him, my lack of commitment to being an out and proud gay man," Syed reveals, an edge of bitterness entering his voice. "He threw a few sharp jibes designed to wound; told me he was going to go ahead with the adoption without me; told me to get out."
"That was it? No discussion?"
"No. He moved into the new flat alone the next day."
"How did you resolve it?"
"I spent the night at my parents; and the following day I went to him and said I did want a baby, and he took me back."
"Why did you cave like that?"
"I loved him."
"Any other reason?"
"Breaking up with him seemed such a huge step to take; ending a relationship I'd fought so hard for. Moving back home …"
"Back to your family?"
"When my mum found me sleeping on the couch … that morning, she was so happy to have me home again; she suggested we have dinner together in the evening; it was simply a nice gesture. She said it would be just the two of us … she was excited … she didn't mean anything in by it, but it struck me … I didn't want it to be just the two of us again; I loved her, but I knew I couldn't go back to being the obedient son …"
"So you went back to Christian because you saw him as a better option than your mum?"
"It wasn't as simple as that …"
"And a little over a year later, you did the exact the same thing."
"What?"
"The day you left with Christian to go to the US was the same day you gave the Landlord back the keys to your flat ..."
"Yes, because I wouldn't need it anymore, because I was leaving."
"Liar, liar, pants on fire," Danny says with an indulgent smile.
"I don't know what you think you know," Syed protests.
"When I couldn't find you, I went to see Tanya; did the concerned friend bit. She was kind enough to fill me in on your last-minute dramatic departure with Christian, and how very romantic it all was. When I expressed surprise that you'd been able to drop everything and leave the Square for good on the spur of the moment; she explained that there was nothing to drop; that you'd already given up the flat before there was any talk of you leaving with Christian, and the reason why; and that Amira had taken Yasmin to live to Birmingham. And since you had no job to walk away from …"
"Like I said before, I wouldn't go all the way to America with someone I didn't love …"
"What you've just told me proves you've got form."
"Form?"
"Making huge, life-changing choices for the weakest of reasons: You married Amira; not because you loved her, but to avoid bringing shame on your family; you went back to Christian and agreed to adopt a baby you weren't ready for, to avoid having to return to your old, more restrictive life; so it's hardly a stretch to imagine you deciding to escape to America with him to avoid having to deal with the loss of your daughter, your home, your parents' savings …"
"I really hoped Christian and I might manage to work things out if we were away from the Square."
"If he was angry with you for letting Amira take Yasmin, and for cheating on him; so angry, in fact, that he was preparing to leave the country to get away from you; how did you get from that to you going off together?"
"Earlier in the day, before Christian was due to leave for the airport, we somehow found ourselves alone together. We had a long chat. I pleaded with him to give us another chance. Things got pretty … intense …" he trails off, blushing.
"How very … interesting," Danny says bitingly, a look of distaste on his face. He drops Syed's hand as if it were a lump of hot coal.
"Afterwards, we talked calmly," he continues, keeping his voice serious and biting his lip to prevent a smile escaping. "We admitted that we always ended up hurting each other, and accepted that we couldn't make our relationship work. We were saying goodbye; that's how it felt to me at the time.
And I think that if he hadn't been leaving the Square, I might have left it at that. But I'd let myself rely on him for so long … when I tried to go it alone, everything went so badly wrong. I was afraid that the decision to let him go might turn out to be another bad one; I'd only just let Yasmin go ...
So I went home and spoke to mum and dad, and Tam; asked them what I should do. They encouraged me to go after him."
"If they'd said it was for the best to let him leave alone, what would you have done?"
"I don't know."
"So you went after him?"
"I went to the train station, but he wasn't there. I thought about phoning him, it would have been the easiest thing to do, but I didn't."
"Why not?"
"It might sound silly, but I wasn't completely sure I wanted to catch up with him. The idea of making a mad dash to the airport the way they do in the soaps, crossed my mind; but I didn't do that either. I think I knew deep down that our relationship had run its course; but I was still scared of letting go, of standing up without him."
"If you didn't go after him, I assume he had a change of heart and came back for you?"
"He hadn't left; he was waiting for me when I got back from the station. I was so relieved and happy to see him and to have another chance; and that feeling lasted for a few weeks ..."
"But you couldn't hold onto it."
"No," Syed sadly admits.
"You didn't mean to hurt him," Danny consoles.
"No," he agrees sombrely. He lets Danny pull him against him, and closes his eyes; his heart heavy.
#
"What were you planning, when you came looking for me again?" he asks curiously after a little while.
"It's probably best you don't know," Danny responds with a sly grin.
"I must have made quite an impression for you to keep coming back," Syed teases, lifting his head so that he can see his expression.
"I hate to lose; it was matter of principle."
"Is that all?" Syed whispers softly, his hand reaching out to touch his cheek.
"Yes, of course; now it's late, and I need to get to sleep; I've an early start tomorrow," Danny gruffly pronounces. He brushes his hand away and starts to turn away from him before Syed can probe any deeper.
"Wait," he says, grabbing his shoulder.
"What?" Danny asks, giving him a guarded look.
"I just wanted to say that I don't know how long you're going to let me stay, but I do like living here with you," he gently assures.
"What are you after?" Danny accuses; his playfully suspicious tone masking his real feelings.
"Nothing," Syed protests, laughing.
"You want to go again, do you?" he asks huskily, his eyes glittering.
The idea hadn't been in his head, but it is now. Syed gives him one of his shy but willing looks that never fails to drive him a little crazy.
"Right, come here; let's get it over with," he orders with an exaggerated, weary sigh. Opening his arms, he offers himself as if he were making some grand sacrifice for the greater good.
Syed leans forward to shyly claim his mouth, and Danny's arms go around him.
#
"Maybe you'll keep me around for a bit, even after I've paid off my debt?" Syed tentatively suggests a little later, as he lies curled up in his arms.
"You never know, I might," Danny smiles, kissing the top of his head.