Chapter 17

The following Saturday

"It's mum texting to say that Amira's just dropped Yas off," Syed tells Danny as they sit eating breakfast. "I'm going to head over in a bit."

"Sounds good. I've got a call with the US at eleven. When I'm done, I'll head over to Tara's for lunch; we'll probably take the kids to the cinema in the afternoon."

"Maybe next time, Yas and I could come with you?" Syed casually suggests.

"I was going to suggest you come today, but the thought of sharing a pizza with your husband didn't sound too appealing."

"What do you mean?" Syed asks weakly.

"What do you think I mean?"

"I was going to tell you," he nervously tries to assure.

"Why didn't you?"

"I was afraid you'd be angry."

"Why would I be angry? It's not like you've got anything to hide ..." Danny lets the sentence hang.

"We've been polite to each other, nothing more. Last week, Christian took Yas to the park, and he might be taking her somewhere for a few hours tomorrow; just the two of them; and back at mum's, there are always others around; we're never alone …"

"You don't have to persuade me of anything; I know you're going nowhere, I have my insurance policy," Danny reminds him, his tone steely.

"Please don't be angry with me."

"To be angry, I'd have to care," he coldly dismisses.

"You don't mean that," Syed says softly, as he watches him walk away. But the words hurt; they bring his feelings of insecurity rushing back to the surface. After a little while, he remembers his daughter. Blinking quickly a couple of times to clear his vision, he gets up to leave.

###

"Where is everybody?" he asks, walking into his parents sitting room to find only Christian waiting for him.

"I asked them to give us some time to talk," Christian explains.

"Oh, okay," he responds apprehensively.

"How are things?"

"Yea, good, not bad."

"You and Danny, still loved up?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"A penthouse can get old pretty quickly when you're stuck in it with someone you don't have any genuine feelings for."

"It's not about the penthouse; that's not why I'm with him."

"Of course it is; we both know that if he was broke, you wouldn't look twice at him."

"He listens to me ..."

"He listens to me," Christian mimics, in a sneering voice. "Have you any idea how ridiculous you sound?"

"Enough," Syed cries impatiently. "You can say what you like in the restaurant or in the street; maybe I deserve it, but I won't let you come into my home to harass me."

"No, of course not, because only Syed Masood is allowed to behave badly; and we're all supposed to forget it ever happened, every time it happens."

"I haven't forgotten ..."

"You really think that after everything you've done, you deserve to upgrade to a more comfortable life without any fuss?"

"I don't care about the money ..."

"Bullshit," Christian laughs bitterly. "You always were a snob, just like Zainab. I was never going to be able to hang onto you once someone like Danny Pennant showed an interest."

"You have such a low opinion of me now," Syed says sadly.

"What did you expect?"

"Maybe you'll consider you've had a lucky escape," he offers dully.

"No maybe about it. I can't wait to see how you're going to fuck up Danny's life."

"Your own behaviour ..."

"What exactly is wrong with the way I behave?" Christian angrily demands.

"You don't deal with criticism very well, for a start," Syed murmurs.

"I suppose you've going to try to convince me that Danny is actually a really decent guy? Let me guess, he told you he ripped off your family because he owed money to some dodgy characters who were threatening to kill him ..."

"No ..."

"Are you really that gullible?"

"Danny's a total nightmare, I know that," Syed says firmly. "His moral compass seems to always point him in the wrong direction. But he can be reasoned with; he listens, eventually ..."

"Why did you tell him about us trying for a baby with Rox?" Christian hits him with the unexpected question.

"I didn't … what would make you think he knows about that?"

"He took great delight in letting me know how relieved you were that it didn't work out; last week, when he came to the flat to warn me off."

"What? ... He was at the flat? He never said ..."

"You, me and Rox were the only people who knew about the surrogacy."

"Well, I did tell Amira, ages ago; I didn't think it would do any harm her knowing ...," Syed trails off at Christian's expression. "She couldn't have mentioned it to Danny," he rushes on, "they met for the first time last week, and were alone together for only a few minutes. There would be no reason for it to come up."

"Which brings us back to you …"

"I didn't say a word …" Syed trails off (once more). "Danny didn't know anything about it," he realises. "He took a chance … I suppose, if you think about it, it would have been logical to assume we might have taken that route. He only knew for sure when you didn't deny it."

"He's a nasty fucker with no conscience; how can you let yourself be taken in by him?" Christian cries in exasperation.

"Everything you say, I can see your point, completely ... But I think he has the ability to change ... I've noticed, since I've been living with him ... he's trying ..."

"He threatened Roxy."

"No, no he wouldn't ..." Syed automatically denies.

"He asked me to let her know that he'd have no problem giving a woman a good kicking."

"He wouldn't have ... He shouldn't have done that, I'll have a word ...," Syed weakly tries to assure, even as the thought hits him that he cannot promise anything. He realises that he's been fooling himself, flattering himself that he has any influence ... Danny, the master manipulator ...

"You can't stay with him, he's a liar; he's dangerous. You'll never be able to rely on him. He'll never care about you the way I do. People like him are incapable of love."

Christian's words sounds entirely reasonable ... In the moment, there is not one part Syed feels he can confidently deny ... "How well do I really know Danny?" he thinks uneasily.

Sensing his doubts, Christian moves a little closer. "Come away with me; we can go anywhere you want. It'll be better this time: we'll talk about everything, make decisions together, the way we used to. I understand now that you only turned to Danny because I wasn't paying you enough attention; I won't make that mistake again," he assures, his tone soothing. He reaches out to take Syed's hand. "Remember how close we used to ..."

"I don't love you the way I did in the beginning," Syed says huskily, his voice trembling slightly at the enormity of what he is finally admitting. "The last couple of years have been … I haven't really been happy, the way I thought I would be …"

"You felt this way the whole two years we lived together?" Christian cries, the words forcing him back.

"I wasn't always unhappy; but a lot of the time, it felt like I was being dragged into situations I didn't want to be in."

"I'm not a mind reader, Syed; if you weren't going to tell me what it was you wanted, or didn't want, how was I supposed to know ...?"

"Maybe you didn't want to know; maybe it suited you better to ignore what I wanted."

"That's bullshit, and you know it," Christian growls impatiently.

"All I know for sure is that in the early days there was no need for words; you knew how I was feeling before I was completely aware of it myself," Syed reflects.

"I understood you better back then," Christian confesses, a wistful note in his voice.

"At the risk of sounding ridiculous again, I would venture to suggest that we lost our connection somewhere along the way."

"And I suppose your going to tell me you and Danny boy have a connection. Is he super sensitive to your every mood?"

"Not always," Syed concedes with a smile, "but it's ... it's easier, somehow. We can argue, hash things out without anyone needing to have to have the upper hand, the last word. He's not sure about everything all the time."

"Another dig?" Christian asks sarcastically.

"I thought you wanted us to talk."

"I did, I do ..."

"Maybe you thought it would be you doing most of the talking?"

"Is this Danny's influence? Does he encourage you to express yourself?" Christian sneers.

"We have talked a lot, about everything," Syed admits.

"I can imagine how it went: you tell him what happened, and he puts a spin on it that allows you both to come to the convenient conclusion that I'm to blame for everything."

Syed can't help smiling. "Danny does like to cast you in a bad light, if at all possible," he admits.

"As long as you're not the one being criticised, what does it matter, right?" Christian responds bitterly.

"Oh, I don't escape criticism" Syed assures. "If he's annoyed with me about something he doesn't want to talk about, he'll pick on me about something completely random, simply so that he can have a go. It can be a little confusing."

Christian cannot fail to notice the trace of a smile, the hint of amusement in his eyes, the indulgent tone of someone speaking about a person they care very much about.

"He sounds absolutely adorable," he tries to mock, but his voice is choked with emotion and it cannot quite reach the level of careless distain needed to convince.

"Christian ..."

"In the end, being with me, was it really so unbearable for you?" he can't help asking.

"No, of course not," Syed quickly assures. "Why would you even think such a thing?"

"Danny tried to suggest ..."

"No, no, he was trying to wind you up. I never said you were irritating; I would never say that."

Christian smiles a sad little smile at the unintentional slip. "I thought we were going to be honest," he huskily reminds him.

"I am being honest."

Maybe you need Danny here to hold your hand ..."

"You had all these plans, and you were in such a hurry," Syed cries in burst of exasperation. "In the beginning, being together, being happy was all we wanted; and yet, within a few months, a year, you had us getting married, having a baby, looking for a house. I wasn't ready for any of that; I was still getting used to being in a relationship; living my life as an openly gay man. My relationship with my family was in tatters. I had no money, no real idea about what kind of work I should be doing. I was still trying to find my way. But I couldn't talk to you about any of that, because you only cared about what you wanted."

"I would have understood ..."

"No you wouldn't," Syed snaps. "You would have accused me of not being committed to us, you would have threatened to break up with me if I didn't go along with what you wanted."

"I'll listen to you now," Christian offers huskily, "it's not too late ..."

But it's too late.

"And that wasn't the only issue," Syed continues, completely focused on finally getting to say his piece. "You were always so full on. If you saw me getting friendly with anyone, you had to wade in, get to know them better than I did. When we finally got back on speaking terms with mum and dad, you had to take it a step further, become best friends; put yourself at the centre of everything."

"Being friendly, enthusiastic; these are faults?"

"You don't let things develop naturally, you have no patients. Danny will get to know my family if and when the opportunity arises; he may or may not get on with them, but all that matters is that Danny and I get on."

"I wanted to be involved in every part of your life; is that so wrong?"

"I'm not saying that what you did was wrong, just that it was wrong for me. The next guy you meet will be more …"

"Don't go there," Christian growls.

"I'm not trying to hurt you."

"Danny isn't rushing to get involved in your life because he doesn't really give a shit about it, or you. I'll bet he keeps you hidden, that he's ashamed of your relationship. I'm guessing he hasn't introduced you to his family or any of his friends."

"From what I can tell, Danny's closest friends are his sister and brother; he never mentions anyone else in particular. They're nice, his sister and brother, Vince and Tara; they happened to pop round one day and I met them; they were easy to talk to; we've been out for a drink and someone mentioned a barbecue. They're very different from … Roxy."

"Don't you dare criticise Roxy," Christian shouts with barely-controlled fury, "you don't deserve to speak of her. She's loyal, caring. She would never betray me."

"She's betrayed lots of other people, though; people like her sister Ronnie, Tanya, Kat …. She's not much of a mother ... Look I don't want to insult Roxy, or anyone; I don't want to have this conversation."

"No, of course you don't, because you don't like the heavy stuff, do you?" Christian says bitterly.

"This is getting us nowhere," Syed sighs.

"Sorry, am I boring you?"

"I really didn't mean to hurt you."

"What did you think would happen when you started shagging someone else?"

"I wasn't happy."

"When were you ever happy?"

"When it was just the two of us, before anyone else got involved, I was happy," Syed quietly insists. "When we walked along together drinking hot chocolate and talking about camp cowboys, I will always remember how happy I was that night. My heart would beat wildly in my chest every time you walked in the door of the Masala Queen ...

I hoped we could recapture ... something ... in Birmingham," he sighs, "but it wasn't the same, we weren't the same anymore. Maybe we should have given it a bit more time. If we hadn't come back ..."

"... you'd have made do," Christian concludes, his voice flat. "That's why you were so on edge the whole time," he realises, "because you didn't want to be there, you didn't want to be with me; you wanted him; that's why you went running to him as soon as we returned."

"No, that wasn't how it happened," Syed insists. "Danny gave me no choice. He owns the loan mum and dad took out for the restaurant using this house as collateral; if he calls it in, they'll lose everything. I moved in with him because he blackmailed me into it."

"What are you talking about?"

"It doesn't matter, forget I said anything," Syed urgently pleads, stunned to realise what he has revealed.

"You love him that much, you'd overlook a threat against your family?" Christian cries incredulously.

"No ..."

"What am I talking about; if you were prepared to overlook his stealing their life savings, why would a little blackmail bother you?" he laughs a little wildly.

"You don't understand," Syed pleads.

"It really doesn't matter what he does, does it?"

"He has the capacity ..." The look on Christian's face stops him.

"You're making a huge mistake."

"I can't help how I feel," Syed finally admits, with a helpless shrug of his shoulders.

"Well, I guess there's nothing more to say," Christian says huskily. He turns and walks out the door without looking back.

#

Syed sits down heavily on the couch. He runs his hands through his hair. "What am I doing?" he wonders with a sigh.

"Is it true about Danny blackmailing you?" Masood asks.

"Dad," he cries, looking up in surprise to find his father standing right next to him. "How long have you been in the house?" he demands.

"We returned ... we didn't want to disturb you; we waited in the kitchen."

"We?"

"Is it true?" Zainab demands by way of greeting.

"What are you talking about?" Syed prevaricates.

"Syed," she barks.

"No, no, of course it isn't," he jerkily denies.

"Syed, he's lying to you; we don't have a loan with any bank; your mother's uncle Yasir gave her the money," Masood explains.

"What?" Syed asks faintly. "You never said anything."

"We're blacklisted because of what happened last year. There was no way we could've gotten a loan from any bank," Zainab explains.

"I assumed … I didn't want to mention money."

"You never asked us where we got the money."

"Money has been a touchy subject."

Syed, Zainab and Masood all say awkwardly in unison.

They stand staring at each other in shock.

"Right, of course, I see," Syed eventually says, his voice not quite steady. "I've got to go," he decides; and giving Yasmin a hurried kiss and a hug, he practically runs out the door.

#

He walks for hours in no particular direction; going over and over everything and coming to the same conclusion each time about what the right thing is to do.

#

Meanwhile …

"We need to talk," Masood says by way of greeting.

"If you're looking for your son, he's not here; and you're not welcome to come in and wait," Danny greets, his words leaving no room for misunderstanding.

"We're looking for you," Zainab barks. She barges past him and into the apartment. "Where's Syed?" she demands.

"Like I said, he's not here," Danny says with an exaggerated slowness. "I thought he was at yours with Yasmin." He begrudgingly motions for Masood to enter.

"How can I help you?"

"We know all about the blackmail," Zainab impatiently begins.

"Blackmail?"

"And Syed now also knows the truth," she adds smugly.

"Okay?"

"You know what this means, don't you?" Masood chimes in.

Before he can answer, Zainab spells it out, "You've no longer got a hold over him; he can come back home."

"This is what you've come to tell me?"

"No, we've come to tell you to leave Syed alone from now on or we'll report you for harassment, and tell the police about your dodgy dealings," Zainab warns.

"Right now, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm terrified," Danny responds sarcastically.

"You've days of hurting my son are over," Zainab snaps.

"Everything bad that's happened to Syed is my fault; that's what you're saying, right? You're completely blameless in all of this?"

"What have I done?" Zainab demands outraged.

"I've gotten to know Syed pretty well over the past few months, and I've learned that he has two important influences in his life: on one side are the dreams you fed him when he was a child about being successful and how important that was, and how proud you would be of him if he were successful – the inference being that if he weren't successful, you wouldn't be proud of him – and since in Syed's mind pride equals love, he has this warped idea that he has to earn your love, that he only deserves it if he achieves your definition of success. The second big influence on his life is his religion. And, in trying to find a way to be what you want him to be, he's had to compromise his faith by lying and stealing."

"He told you this?" Zainab cries outraged.

"Not in so many words; but the way he talks about you, it's easy to see where he gets his motivation.

"You think after spending a few weeks with Syed that you know him," Masood sneers.

"You'd be surprised how chatty he gets after sex, when he's completely relaxed," Danny reveals, with a deliberate smile.

"That's enough, I do not want to hear about my son's … my son's ..." Masood shouts angrily.

"He's chats about his dreams, about stuff that's bothering him, about all kinds of things; sometimes I think he could talk all night."

"Oh Mas, how funny that you do the same thing," Zainab cries delightedly. "He can't stop talking," she laughs.

"Zee, do you mind?" Masood cries.

"No, but isn't it peculiar," she asks in amazement, "that you …?"

Danny's little smirk goes unnoticed as they launch into a full-blown argument.

"If you remember, it was you who decided we should move to Walford," Masood reaches the point of accusing, as Danny returns from the kitchen with some drinks, "where our daughter became a lap dancer, one of our sons married a man and the other got burned in a fire."

"The fire was Yusef's fault, not mine; and Syed being gay is not a negative thing," Zainab shouts back.

"I know it's not," Masood concedes, his internal conflict about his son's sexuality still a little way from being completely resolved. "Anyway, can we please concentrate on why we're here," he appeals; becoming aware of the 'airing dirty laundry' chat they are having in front of someone who is for all intents and purposes an enemy.

"Fine," Zainab barks; she accepts the glass of apple juice and goes to sit on the couch.

"If you've set out to ruin my son, don't you think you've now gone far enough?" Masood asks reasonably. "There's nothing more you can do to him. You've ruined his marriage, taken all his money, all our money; you've destroyed his reputation. Why don't you just let him go now; move on to your next victim?"

"Did he ask you to come here?" Danny asks suspiciously.

"No. After we told him the truth about the loan, he left immediately."

"He was upset after Christian left, so he probably wanted to be alone for a while," Zainab jabs.

"Christian upset him?" Danny asks sharply.

"They had a heart to heart to clear the air; Syed admitted to Christian that he still cared about him and was only with you because you were blackmailing him," Zainab reveals.

Masood notices the effect this bit of information has on Danny, and begins to wonder. "It wasn't exactly like that … Christian was at the house to see Yasmin," he finds himself explaining.

"If you've said all you came to say, you know where the door is," Danny coldly dismisses them.

"You're never going to get anywhere by being rude and horrible to everyone," Masood points out.

"Mas?" Zainab gives her husband a puzzled look.

"Do you really think I care about what you people think?" Danny laughs harshly. "I'm not like that other idiot; I don't want your approval. Syed is an adult; he can make his own decisions. Now, why don't you just go back to where you came from; and the next time you get the urge to come and speak to me, resist it."

Banging her glass down on the coffee table, Zainab gets up and marches out. "Mas," she screeches from the hallway, making him jump.

"You'd better go before she bursts a vein," Danny drily advises.

Masood opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it. Shrugging his shoulders, he follows his wife.

As they wait for the lift to arrive, they hear a glass smash.