A/N: Sooo... I'm kind of going to try to turn this into a multi fic but I cannot promise anything. Also, this is mostly going to focus on Jane's and Weller's emotional world and how their relationship may or may not break with this new situation. I'm not as good with all the mystery solving, but I'll try my best. So, now enjoy a little Kurt- hurt (haha). x

"Hey Kurt. I wanted to thank you. For everything you've ever done for me… For believing in me when I never could. I'm sorry I could never be that person that you saw in me.

I have to go. I'm doing it for you … because I can't stand the thought of hurting you more every single day. I want you to smile again. I want you to look forward in life and not spend all of your time waiting for my next break down. I want you to have hope again and there is no way you would ever have any if I'd stayed. You deserve happiness and love and someone whole. And I am broken beyond repair. It's not your job to go down that same road, I don't want that for you.

I love you. And it's because I love you that I need you to hate me. I need you to hate me with the same force you always protected me. You have to hate me for everything you deserve that I could never give you. I will leave and you have to move on. Thank you. Goodbye, Kurt."

Kurt was gripping the phone in his hands so tight that he would've been afraid of crushing it if he had cared enough. But he didn't. Not now. Right now fear was gripping his heart, threatening to suffocate him and he couldn't care less for the fate of some standard issue government phone.

He listened to the message two more times, sinking down to the floor in the hallway in his apartment, wondering where it had all gone so terribly wrong. Not that they had a particularly easy time at the moment but still… he hadn't expected this. Even though he should've had.

They had set a lunch day – like they did every day – but when he had finally come out of his meeting, she had been nowhere to be found.

Letting out a deep exhausted sigh, Kurt loosened the knot of his tie and closed his eyes briefly, running his hand through over his face in an attempt to not look so tired anymore – he guessed it wasn't working but really, no one in the office knew him to look anything else but tired, so what's the hazard.

It had been yet another meeting of every important person of seemingly every important government agency and it had dragged on forever, with not even as much as a 5 minute water break, and it had – surprise – led nowhere. Just like every other meeting they had held for the past couple weeks. They still didn't know what other plans Shepherd had – if she had other plans after that huge attack – or how they would ever be able to clear up the horrible tragedy that had already happened.

Inside the office it still felt relatively normal but if you turned on any one news channel, it all came back in less than a second. They didn't have a current government. Could they go ahead and put the people into position that Shepherd had chosen for them? Could they not, when they were probably the best in their fields? They were still running in circles and he didn't even know where to start and still they kept going.

Everyone in his office – who was still alive – had come back the day after the disaster and the day after that and every day since. None of them had given up, they were all working together to find a way to make some of this work again even when the world had quite literally stopped spinning for them. He was proud of his people.

And then there was Jane.

As much as he was proud of everyone – her as well, because she had given all she had in the fight against Sandstorm – his worry for her exceed almost every other emotion he felt. She had given her everything but he was afraid that she didn't have enough of herself left to keep up the fight.

Feeling a little lighter now that he wouldn't have to spend more time with the people in high places, he took out his phone, dialing Jane's number when he didn't find a message from her and started walking down the hallway towards the more crowded areas where he suspected his team was working. When the call went straight to mailbox he could already feel the well-known knot in his stomach return like it always did when something didn't go according to plan.

Relax, he told himself, she's probably working and Patterson brought her some lunch. She's fine.

Nevertheless, he stepped his pace up a notch and before he knew it he was practically racing towards SIOC. Immediately his gaze fell onto the empty workplace that Jane usually occupied and he was having a harder time controlling himself with every passing minute. He turned around slowly, heading to his office to check for her there.

She occupied the couch in there fairly frequently and it would always give his mind some peace to know her to be safe and in close proximity when he was working on his papers. He had even gotten her a very own cozy blanket and she had brought one of the pillows from their couch at home that she loved so much. A lot of times this piece of furniture had seemed to him like her sanctuary but not today. Now she was nowhere near his office.

Kurt felt his heartrate pick up and as fast as he could he exited his office and ran to Patterson's office. The blonde was the only other person Jane felt comfortable around… she would be there. She had to be.

But when he got there, only Patterson was standing in front of her computer, frowning at the screen and about three other people were going about their business in the background. His friend looked up when she heard him approach and like always, she had a small smile on her lips when she greeted him but it died on her face when she saw his expression.

"Jane?" she whispered tremulously.

"Is she here? Please tell me she's here" he gave back just as quietly but seeing her shake her head, his hopes died rather fast. They exchanged one look and without a word they both ran to the gym – Patterson being a little behind and both were praying that she would be there and that she hadn't done too much harm.

The gym was deserted.

As was the locker room.

As was the break room.

As was every single room on their level.

"Where is she?" Kurt wanted to yell but his voice came out in a whisper. His stomach was revolting, he felt the bile rise to his throat and his heart was beating so fast and loud that he wasn't sure how long it would be able to keep it up. "I'm going to go home. Maybe she already left. Can you-" He didn't know what he wanted to tell her, he didn't have a task for her but she understood him anyway.

"I will, Kurt" she replied just as quietly "Go home. Stay safe. Good luck… and call me." He nodded and left, weak at the knees.

Kurt drove home, disregarding every single tempo limit on his way and he still didn't feel like he was going fast enough, his thoughts were racing – going back and forth between expecting the worst and hoping for the best, trying to calm himself down. It was all for nothing.

When he stepped inside his apartment – their apartment – he felt the emptiness all around him even though he couldn't pinpoint it at first. He searched the rooms and only then did he realize what was missing – her stuff. Not all of it, though she didn't have much to begin with, only a few t-shirts, a jeans, her toothbrush…

That was when he succumbed to the sobs that had been threatening to overwhelm him since he had set foot into the apartment.

She was gone.

The thought still hadn't fully registered and he had to grab a wall to steady himself. How could she have left him? Where did she go? Did she-? He couldn't even fathom what he would do if she had hurt herself… if she had – No. He would not go there. He would go out there and he would call Patterson and he would find her.

Just then his mobile phone rang and he wiped away the tears quickly – maybe this was Jane? But it wasn't even his personal phone, it was the one he carried around with him for work purpose only. He took in the number – it was Director Hirst – but he ignored the call. He felt the weight of Jane's absence on his chest once more and he couldn't breathe.

Kurt still held the phone in his hand, holding on to it because he didn't know what else to hold on to, when the call ended and he was left staring at his lock- screen. Two missed calls. One voice message. From Jane.

With trembling hands he swiped to the right and pressed play.

He had always thought he had endured enough loss in his life to know what he was talking about when he said the word 'pain', now, however, he felt like all these years he had lived in blissful ignorance and that the last veil to the true meaning of the word had now been lifted.

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't cry. He couldn't stand. He couldn't form a coherent thought. He was basically a life-size doll with a heartbeat and right now the only thing he wanted to do was rip that stupid heart of his out of his chest because maybe then the pain would stop.

She loved him.

She left.

Those were the only words that had gotten through to him. She loved him. She left. Shelovehimsheleftshelovedhimsheleftshelovedhim-

Kurt didn't know where he found the self- control he needed to unlock his phone again – his personal one because he was still staring at the voice message on the other one – and dial Patterson's number, but he did. Somehow the blonde had sensed what was going on before he said a word and he could hear her sobs through the tinny speaker of his phone.

In some way that was all it took for him to stop. He had always been stronger for the people around him than for himself. He told Patterson what to do and that he would be over as soon as possible and he silently promised Jane that he would find her. He wouldn't lose her. He wouldn't let her leave him.

She loved him.

It had been almost 6pm when he had gotten back to the office and it was 10:30pm now and they still hadn't found her anywhere in New York City. Except for one image that Patterson had been able to dig up fairly quickly. It had been taken by one of the CCTV cameras somewhere in a mile radius from their apartment.

Patterson had put the sequence on the biggest screen in the lab and the four of them – Reade and Tasha were with them – had stared at the scene in front of them that, without any sound, told the story of a broken soul. She was clutching the phone to her ear and at one point dropped down on a near-by bench, looking as if she had no energy left even to stand.

By then he knew the message she had left him by heart and he could see her shoulders shaking at the parts where he had heard her sob over the phone and it was then that his heart broke even more for her. That strong woman who had lost herself and wouldn't let him help her find her.

When she had left the range of that camera, however, they had lost her completely and since then neither Zapata nor Patterson had been able to come up with another glimpse of her. Of course, they shouldn't be surprised – if anyone knew how to avoid cameras when she didn't want to be found – it was Jane.

Reade was going through possible escape routes and was sketching different ways she could've taken to avoid the cameras while the women were checking the video feeds and Kurt? He was pacing, he didn't know what to do or where to go. He felt so useless and on edge he was barely holding it together. So lost in his thoughts he didn't even hear Patterson talk to him at first.

"Kurt?"

"Huh" he raised his head staring at the blonde woman who had yelled at him in bewilderment.

"Thank god, you're still alive" she shot him a relieved look but he ignored it altogether.

"Did you find something?" he wanted to know instead, craning his head to look at the monitors she was working on but she shook her head.

"We haven't found anything else yet" she didn't say it but he could see in her eyes that she was losing hope. He ignored it. They would find her. He would get Jane back. She loved him it was the last straw he was clutching to but it managed to keep him over water for now.

"Kurt?" Patterson's voice pulled him back again and he felt Reade's and Zapata's eyes on him too "Go home for the day. There's nothing you can do from here."

He glared at all of them then, feeling the anger rise in his stomach, feeling it tear down the knot he had carried around there "I'm not going to give up on her" he said calmly. It was the sort of calm that proverbially was followed by a storm. Watching Patterson closely he remained rigid when she put down her tablet slowly and took a step towards him, as if approaching a wild animal.

"And I'm not saying you should" he heard her say to him, taking his hand in hers that, he hadn't realized until now, was shaking "But you need to clear your head if you want to be able to help her."

He was losing himself in her eyes and her soft voice but it only took Tasha to utter a few words to render any progress the other woman had made void.

"As if his head has ever been clear whenever it concerns Jane."

Silence.

Reade and Patterson stared at her in disbelieve but her eyes were fixed solely on her boss. "You know it's true" she said "Nothing about Jane Doe has ever been clear in your head" the Latina took a step forward, returning his glare with one of her own.

"She left you to keep you from going down that road again and maybe – maybe it was the best thing she ever did to you. She set you free but you need to let yourself be free."

"You" he spit out, his whole form solid and stern and uncompromising "You have no idea what you're talking about! She would have died for you – for any of you and for everyone else. If she could've saved this damned world by sacrificing herself – don't you think she would've done it? Do you have any idea what is going on in her head right now?"

"And do you?" she gave back as fiercely "Has she talked to you at all about her feelings or is she the same zombie- like person at home that she is at work? Have you ever thought that maybe she's beyond saving? Because at least she knows that it's her family who did this to all of us!"

He drew in a deep breath, drawing himself up to full height "What happened there is not. Her. Fault." He wanted to say something else but all of the sudden Patterson was standing between them, looking into his eyes.

"That's not what Tasha meant" she said slowly, throwing her friend a hard looked who at least had the decency to look rueful "We know it's not her fault."

"But she doesn't" was all he could say, quietly "She blames herself for every single person who has died" his eyes found Zapata's and through the tears that blurred his vision he could see she was fighting her own emotions as well "And I can't get through to her because she's so damn stubborn" he choked out a laugh and with that the first tear ran down his cheek.

"She is so set in her ways and I would've thought she would want revenge but somehow-" he swallowed back a sob and the Latina stepped forward reaching out for him "I don't know if she knows that there's still something left to fight for. I don't know if she's got anything left" he let himself crumble in Tasha's embrace.

"I know I've never had a clear head whenever Jane was concerned" he whispered "But she would've done anything for any of us and I'm scared she's too lost to see that she's not alone in this world. We're her family, right?"

Kurt felt Tasha shake with sobs in his arms but she nodded and slowly Patterson joined the embrace and even Reade who mumbled "We're all family. We'll find her. Everything will be okay."

It was then that his phone rang again and he jerking at the loud sound he pulled away from his friends and, with tear stained cheeks, got out his phone. It was an unknown number and the sinking feeling he had when he first saw it, only intensified when he listened to the person on the other end of the line.

"Yeah. I'm her emergency contact" he choked out "I'll be right there."

A/N: Thoughts on Tasha?