A/N: A special shout-out to my two reviewers, this one's for you because it wouldn't be without you. :) Enjoy x

The drive to the hospital took Kurt 19 minutes and 34 seconds instead of the usual half hour you spent in traffic in New York City. Part of it was certainly due to the low traffic in the middle of the night but the rest of the time was made good by his driving style – he might have hit a few red lights along the way and still he couldn't bring himself to care.

His mind was racing with all the possible scenarios he could be driving towards to and if he hadn't been sitting he would've been reeling, a lightness having taken over his body since the call. The nurse hadn't said anything except for 'There's a Jane Doe here. You're the emergency contact…? A lot of tattoos and short hair?'

Of course she would have had to give a description of Jane… she wasn't the only Jane Doe on the planet – although the others probably weren't running around a lot – but he felt like that couldn't be farther from the truth. How could such an extraordinary woman have such an ordinary name?

He was running around in circles and he knew it but he needed something to keep him occupied while he was driving. Behind him he could see and hear the siren of the car Tasha, Read and Zapata had taken to follow him when they hadn't been fast enough for him to get into the parking lot.

Pulling up in a vacant parking slot he had his seatbelt unbuckled and the door open before he had put his car in Parking and jumped out of it the second he pulled the key out. With big steps he reached the entrance in minimal time and was already asking around for the ER, glad when a nurse pointed him in the right direction without him having to stand in line.

Kurt raced down the hallways of the hospital, bumping into other people ever so often, until he finally reached the huge area of waiting seats that identified the room as the ER. Hustling through the corridor he finally came to the info point.

"My name is Kurt Weller. Someone called me for Jane Doe who has been admitted here. I'm her emergency contact" he rattled off glancing everywhere but at the nurse who just stared at him wide-eyed, trying to get a glimpse of Jane.

"Mr. Weller?"

Another nurse quipped in and his head shot up at the small blonde woman in front of him "I'm Nurse Sarah, I'm currently looking after Ms. Doe and I called you earlier. I need-"

He cut her off "Where is she? I need to see her."

"Mr. Weller" the nurse gave him a stern look "Ms. Doe is currently sleeping and I would like to take the time to-"

"I need to see her" he repeated through gritted teeth, barely holding on to his self- restraint. The nurse didn't look like she wanted to move from her point though, so he felt his shoulders slump "Please" he whispered instead "I'm not going to wake her I just… I need to see she's okay with my own eyes."

That got him through to her and he almost groaned in relief when she took a step back, motioning him to follow her and lead him through the ward, past other rooms and other patients until they finally reached her room and he could make out her tiny form beneath the huge bedsheets and he wanted to cry. She looked so beaten, so broken and pale, but she was here and she was breathing and that was all he had needed to know just then.

The sight of her made some of his anxiety leave his body and finally, since the moment where couldn't find her, breathing became easier. He leaned against the doorframe, watching her another few moments before he turned towards the nurse.

"How bad is it?" he wanted to know in a whisper, his voice raw with all the emotions that were playing through his mind.

Nurse Sarah raised an eyebrow at him but he barely registered it, waiting for her words, already dreading them.

"Well" she began, reaching behind him to grab a clipboard from the side of the door "It's not good. We're almost certain she has been on drugs when she came in here and we already took a blood sample but haven't gotten the results back, yet" she looked up at him "They should be here within the next hour, though, so if you want to wait-"

"I'll be here."

"Okay" she looked down on the board again, clearing her throat "There have been a few minor fresh wounds and bruises, nothing life- threatening but we have taken care of them. What worried us was how light she was for her height, she's critically close to malnutrition and we've found the first signs of dehydration as well. We've put her to an infusion to fill up her fluid balance."

Again she looked up at him, seeming to gauge his reaction "Are you her boyfriend? Or supervisor?" she asked with a glance to the badge hanging around his neck.

He stared back at her "What does that have to do with anything?"

"We think she might be a victim of domestic violence so if you-"

"So you think that what?" involuntarily he raised his voice in rage "That I go around slapping the woman I love?!" Kurt was breathing heavily and again his gaze wandered over to the Jane's sleeping form and not wanting to disturb her was the only thing that kept him from falling apart right then and there.

"She is not a victim of domestic violence" he said finally, calmer "She has been going through a rough patch the last view weeks and she doesn't eat or drink enough but we try to get her to at least get something in her stomach. As much as she can manage" he added "We forced her to eat more once and she just threw it all up again. Also" he dropped his gaze to the floor "She's been over-exercising without appropriate equipment… but she's not a victim of domestic violence."

The nurse took all of that in, nodding slowly "And you're absolutely certain that she's not going home to someone who might have put her in that state of mind?"

"She's going home with me. So, no."

"Oh. Okay" Nurse Sarah frowned up at him "With all the self- destructive behavior, have you ever known her to use drugs before?"

Kurt shook his head, grapping the door frame for support and choked out a weak "No. Never."

"Do you want me to call for psychological council for her?" she asked, worry evident in her expression but again he shook his head.

"I will get her to talk to someone" he promised "But there's too much classified information for any other psychologist. Thank you, though. Are there any more questions? Can I go sit with her until she wakes up?"

She watched him attentively for a bit, cocking her head to the side "I think we're all set for now. When we get the test results back I can tell you if we'll have to keep her overnight. You can sit with her as long as you stay quiet."

"I will" he vowed "There might be a few other friends trying to get through to her.."

"I can't allow more than one person with her for the time being" the nurse smiled apologetically "I'll tell them that, don't worry."

And with that she left and he was left staring at the woman in the hospital bed that seemed way too big for her small size. With a few strides he was standing next to her, dropping down on the chair next to the bed, grabbing her hand that seemed to be too small and cold for a human hand.

"Oh Jane" he sobbed quietly, pressing a kiss to the hand before covering it with both of his to warm it up. "What did you do? Why didn't you talk to me? How could you ever think I could hate you?" He let the tears run down his cheek freely, letting them drip onto their intertwined hands.

He didn't know how long he sat in that chair, staring up at her, waiting for her to open her eyes but he knew that when he finally did see her eyes flutter hesitantly, his whole body was sore from staying in the same position the whole time.

"Jane?" he whispered getting up and brushing his fingers over her cheek lightly. Her eyes darted around the room in confusion until they settled on him. First he saw relief in them and she leaned into his touch but in the blink of an eye her eyes widened and she tried to lean as far away from him as possible. He wouldn't let her, though.

"You shouldn't be here" she choked out and he felt tears run down her cheek, wetting his hand. "I left you a message… You shouldn't be here." Over and over and over again she mumbled those words and still, with every passing second he could feel her succumb to her sobs more and when she did she curled into a ball like she always did and let him sit down next to her, pulling her onto his chest as gently as he could.

"Shh" he breathed into her ear, stroking her hair "It's okay, it's going to be okay. I'm here. I'm always going to be here." She was shaking at that point and it was all he could do to hold onto her, to steady her when he felt so unstable himself, and tell her that it would be okay eventually.

Kurt kept stroking her hair gently and after a while he felt her grow still in his arms again. He pulled away slightly, trying to see her face but she had it buried in his chest.

"Why don't you hate me?"

If he had been just an inch further away he wouldn't have heard her question but as it was he had her in his arms and his hearing was calibrated on picking up on even the tiniest sound she made. He almost chuckled but midway in his throat it turned into a sob and he couldn't respond properly.

"Because I love you" he choked out after a second "And you love me."

She loved him. He could still hear her voice on the recording. He had given it its very own place in his heart, guarding it from everything else because he wasn't sure if he'd ever hear her say it again.

"I left you" she gave back just as quietly, moving out of the tight knot she had pulled herself into and looking up at him with her big green eyes full of tears "I'm no good for you. I can't do this to you every day. I see-" she stifled a wail "I can see the way you look at me… you're always scared and worried… You can't live a life like that."

"No" he gave back fiercely "You can't live a life like that. I'm not letting you."

"You're not letting me?" she almost laughed – a hollow, lifeless laugh – "On what grounds? I'm still doing my job and you're not my boyfriend."

Did that hurt? Like hell. Would that change a thing? No, it would not.

He didn't bother with a reply and instead tightened his arms around her to pull her closer. He went back to stroking her hair and he felt her relax in his arms after a short while. It told him a lot about her strength at the moment and he didn't want her to waste any of the scarce energy she had left on a fight with him. It wouldn't do any good anyway.

"Did you take drugs?" he asked quietly after another five minutes. She nodded her head yes and he felt his insides crumble.

"What did you take?" he wanted to know hoarsely.

"Coke" she whispered and again he held her firm to his chest, letting his hand move up and done her spine.

"Why?"

"Because-" He felt her body shake with coughs in his arm "Because I didn't find a reason not to" she then said and suddenly he felt her grow stiff in his arms and her voice was void of any emotion and he knew that she was slipping away again and his heart crushed in his chest and again he couldn't breathe. "You needn't have come" he heard that same voice say that didn't sound like Jane at all and he pulled away slowly, carefully to not hurt her.

"I'm here and I'm staying here." was all he replied to that and slipped out from under her and stood up from the bed only to take seat in the chair again. They had gone through this so often, he knew that when she got like that she couldn't bear anyone touching her – he had tried once and he had worn the shiner from that encounter for a week – so he let her have her space without ever actually leaving her side.

"Do you want to talk to Reade about it?" Kurt asked after they had grown silent for a while "About the… drugs? I mean he's been there and got out, so maybe…"

"Kurt" her soft yet cold voice interrupted him "Reade did coke because he had been a victim and wanted to forget… he was never actually guilty of anything, he just couldn't deal with the memories. I, on the other hand, am guilty of treason, actively cooperating in a terrorist organization, infiltrating the FBI, lying and murder and I think if we'd know all there was to know, there'd be so much more. So, I don't think he'll be able to help me. No one ever did something comparable."

"You didn't do this" he said simply "I have told you before and I'm going to tell you again until you finally get it in that thick head of yours. We're not blaming you."

"Yes, you are" she objected harshly "Or maybe not you because you love me and you can't see straight but literally everyone else does."

"Patterson-"

"Oh please" Jane scoffed "Patterson is a marshmallow. She wouldn't even know how to blame anyone she considers a friend." Pulling the blanket tight around herself she turned his back to him "There's no making this right" she said quietly "Maybe you're too much of a do-gooder to see that but that's how it is. Bad people to bad things. And I did the most awful thing."

"Can't this wait until later?"

…

"She's still sleeping but she could wake any minute. I'm not leaving her side."

…

"I've never wanted it anyway. There has to be another person for the job."

The world was slowing coming into focus and she heard Kurt's hushed voice through the noise in her head from her latest nightmare - at least this time she hadn't thrown herself around in bed, screaming. Just as she was deciding whether or not to alert him to her presence he proved once more how vigilant he always was concerning her.

"I gotta go. I'll call you later."

Ending the call he shot her a small smile and returned from where he had been standing at the other end of the room – undoubtedly as to not disturb her - and resumed his place at her bedside. There was silence for a bit in which he watched her intently and she stared up at the ceiling.

"How are you feeling?" She shrugged.

"They decided to keep you here for the night but I told them not to wake you. So they moved you into another ward while you were sleeping, I helped them. A doctor is supposed to check on you in a while, he was already here at around 6 but you were still asleep."

Jane looked out of the window then, frowning in confusion when she saw the sun already pretty high in the sky. "What time is it?"

Kurt checked the phone he was still holding in his hand "It's 8:36am. You slept for about 4 and a half hours – new best- time for you" he threw her a small grin and she couldn't help but shoot him a soft look. She had never deserved him less.

"The nurses said it's probably because the exhaustion finally caught up with you and with everything going on it's probably the best for you to rest whenever your body lets you" he continued.

"With everything going on?" she wanted to know, panic resonating in her voice "You told her?"

"What?" he frowned at her in confusion before the content of her question fully registered "No! No, I didn't tell her anything that would have been… classified."

Marked her as the traitor she was, she added silently.

"I just told her you've been going through a rough patch. They" he cleared his throat "They suggested that you should talk to a psychologist about it…" he trailed off already seeing her shaking his head.

"I'm not going to talk to some stranger, I did that once, didn't turn out that great" she repeated the same answer she had given him every time he proposed the idea.

"Then talk to someone else. Me, Patterson, anyone" he was pretty much pleading now, grabbing her hand in his gently – taking care of the not yet healed bruises "Or you could draw or write – something!"

She looked down at her small tattooed hand in his and once again she was surprised at how gently and cautiously hot-headed Kurt Weller could be. Just a few weeks ago she hadn't thought it was possible for him to stay even remotely calm when he was angry. But he could – for her.

Xxxx

Slowly she felt her senses return to her. Blinking a few times Jane found herself staring up at the ceiling but she didn't know where she was, she didn't remember this room. Where was she? Before she could give it a conscious thought her body had an automatic response at the ready, trying to scramble to the other side of the bed but failing.

That told her two things. A, she was currently lying on a bed and B, her arms were strapped to the bed frame, keeping her from moving. Had she gone to hell? Her mind was still reeling and the ceiling was spinning in front of her. Nonetheless, she tried moving her head to the side – confirming that it was not tied up and ignoring the pain in her head her eyes fell on Kurt who was standing at the other end of the room, staring at her but not seeing her.

She wanted to say something to make herself be noticed but all that came out was a cough. His eyes flew to hers at once, though, and he took a step towards her, releasing her of the soft textile chains around her wrists.

"What happened?" she finally managed to choke out, following his gaze that was fixated to a spot on her upper arm. Silently he reached out his hands and she felt his fingers touch the spot softly. She winced involuntarily but she didn't see the hurt that crossed his face at her reaction, instead she craned her neck to follow his gaze.

"I hurt you" she heard him whisper and then she saw the big bruise that was decorating her bicep. "I am so sorry. I never-"

That's when she remembered.

Jab. Cross. Hook. Uppercut.

Punch after punch after punch she threw at the punching bag in front of her, alternating between imagining Shepherd's face, Roman's and her own. For the first time that day she felt something else except for the void that had taken over her chest. She could barely breathe for the most time, feeling as if she was going to throw up any second – but here, in the deserted gym she could get some of it out.

She could feel again.

When it had all gone done she had wished, prayed, to shut of her emotions, to not feel the devastation and guilt and pain and heartbreak but now? Now she was glad if she could feel anything at all… everything was gone, except for the guilt that followed her everywhere. It had become her constant silent companion and the only way to get her mind off of it was feeling something else.

Pain.

That was her go-to emotion, the sole sensation that could keep the guilt and grief at bay. Physically over-exerting her body was good. She could tell everyone she was only exercising – everyone would get a rough workout in some time.

Punch.

She barely registered her knuckles splitting open, she was too focused on the faces in her own mind. The gloves lying forgotten in the corner next to her towel, it hadn't seemed like a priority to put them on. Not when her real goal was to feel something.

"Jane!" She barely heard the voice screaming her name over the loud whirring noise in her head, she continued throwing punches – feeling light-headed – at the punching bag until she felt someone grab her arm and whirl her around so she came to face with Kurt. He looked so weird through the red mist that was clouding her view.

And he was fuming.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded to know, his voice raised.

She laughed out loud, even in her own ears it sounded hollow "What does it look like? I'm letting off some steam. You should try it some time."

He growled at her and she was only able to think about how sexy that sounded. "Letting off some steam? You're deliberately hurting yourself, Jane!" he yelled "You're not wearing any gloves! Look at your hands!"

Slowly she dropped her gaze to her knuckles, watching the blood run down her hands and drip onto the floor. She smiled up at him, her eyes sparkling, high on the pain that was cursing through her body "They have always been covered in blood. How convenient that you can finally see it, too."

Her head was spinning but she continued to grin at him, watching his anger get the better of him, his eyes filled with fury. Seemingly out of nowhere – or her reflexes were just really slow – he grabbed her by the harm, pulling her to him, about to say something.

Suddenly everything went black.

The next thing she remembered was lying in this bed, staring up at the ceiling with Kurt next to her. She shook her head slightly, trying to sort out her thoughts but immediately regretting that decision when everything started spinning again. "It's not your fault" she said as gently as she could.

"It is" he whispered, caressing the bruise "I was so angry at you for hurting yourself… for not caring… and then I hurt you, too" he choked and she could sense how close to falling apart he truly was "I'm never going to hurt you again. I promise. I swear. I am so sorry."

She shook her head, trying to sit up on the mattress "It's not your fault" she repeated, glad when he steadied her "Are you going to send me home now?"

Kurt stared at her "No. Patterson is already on her way with the first aid kit so we can take care of your hands. Then I'm going to get you something to eat and then we'll see…"

"Jane?" he pulled her out of her thoughts again.

"Huh?" she tried to focus on the man beside her. It wasn't all that different to what she had just remembered – he looked worried and she was out of it, maybe they were destined to run in those circles for the rest of their lives.

"I could buy you a new sketchbook or a diary… maybe that would help" Kurt repeated his suggestion, moving closer to her, caressing her cheek with his hand "You can't go on like this."

Jane shook her head forcefully "I'm fine."

"No, you're not" he objected sadly.

She silently agreed with him. "It doesn't matter" she said out loud and before he could disagree again they heard a knock on the door and a doctor came in, followed by a nurse.

"Good morning, Ms. Doe, Mr. Weller. My name is Doctor Gemp, I'm responsible for this ward. Do you think we could do a check- up to see how you are doing today?"

It hadn't taken the doctor long to check up on Jane and when he had been done, he told her to take it easy for a bit and strongly recommended seeing a psychologist but physically she was fine for the moment and could go home. Which is where she was right now.

Or at least in the place she had spent most of her time in as of lately, it wasn't really her home. It was Kurt's home and he had insisted on her staying with him for the time being, to take care of her. Her safe house had been given back to the FBI after the Sandstorm attack and for the first day she had felt safe here… now she only felt like a burden to him which had been the exact reason why she had tried to leave.

"Can I get you anything?" Kurt sat down next to where she had curled up on the couch in one of the fluffy blankets he had bought especially for her on bad nights when she would flee the bedroom as to not disturb him. Most of the time he would wake up soon after, though, and carry her back with him.

"No" she said, her head buried on the armrest "I've already eaten the sandwich you've given me and I drank some water."

He eyed the still unfinished sandwich on the plate on the coffee table and sighed "You barely ate half of it. But maybe you can eat some more of it later?" He sounded so hopeful that she didn't want to discourage him and simply shrugged.

"Yeah. Maybe later. Are you leaving?" She hated herself for sounding so needy.

"Only if that's okay for you?" he frowned at her but she nodded her head slightly "I'm not gonna be long… Director Hirst has been in a meeting earlier today and she wants to catch me up on everything I've missed, after that I'm coming straight home."

"No. It's okay. I don't want to keep you from work" Jane said, looking into his eyes as she tried to shoot him an encouraging smile. From the look on his face she figured, it wasn't a very convincing one but he didn't mention it and instead leaned forward to press a kiss to her temple.

"Promise me you won't run again?" he whispered. His voice sounded so raw, so hurt, so lost and she already felt tears in her eyes but she blinked them away and nodded.

"Say it."

"I promise."

Would he believe her? For the full minute he stared at her she didn't think he would but then he sighed and pushed himself up from the couch. "Okay, I'll see you later. I'll bring a late lunch when I get back."

When the door had closed behind him she waited silently, snuggled into the blanket. After fifteen minutes she got up carefully and folded the soft fabric, putting it pack on the couch neatly. She looked around the apartment for a long while, taking everything in, it looked so empty whenever Kurt wasn't here to fill it with life.

She let her eyes wander over the kitchen – imaging him moving around in it in professional hectic –and then settled on the pictures he had framed on the walls – it weren't a lot but the few that he had chosen told a story of a happy life with Sawyer and Sarah and the team… and herself. Sadly she caressed a recently added picture of the two of them in the red hacker-outfit… it seemed to have been in a different life time.

Looking around one last time she squared her shoulders and pulled her jacket from the wardrobe as she whispered her silent goodbye to everything she loved about this place, especially the owner.