A/N: Thank you for your kind words :) Plotwise this chapter ended half way through the chapter I had originally planned but for some reason they always grow longer when I'm not looking. That's why this is whole story is going to be longer than anticipated. Bear with me, please. :) And now; Enjoy x
"I'm not going." There was a finality to her voice that surprised him. Sure, she never had liked the idea of seeking out a new shrink but she had never voiced it with so much force and as much as he hated the message she sent him he couldn't help but to internally cheer at the way she delivered it.
There was the fire he had always loved. The stubbornness that made his head hurt but that he had missed more than he could tell. There was a sneak peek at his Jane, at the woman who had captured his heart with her strength and truculence. It was all he could do not to smile at the glare she shot him because he was sure she would take it the wrong way.
"Yes, you are if you want to get better."
"And what if I don't?" she dropped the MP4 player into her lap. She hadn't put it away since Patterson had given it to her a few hours ago and the headphones were still dangling around her neck when she turned her head to fully look at him, her eyes narrowed, waiting for his response.
After his meeting with Director Hirst he hadn't gone straight home but had instead taken a detour to Dr. Borden's former office to talk to Dr. James Hall who had started his first week on Monday of this week and thankfully still had some vacancies in his calendar so he could schedule Jane an appointment for the same day in the late afternoon.
Now, he had known that he would have to fight her on it again but he had hoped if she understood the importance of her giving therapy another try for her staying on their team.
Kurt had been standing in front of the couch she was currently occupying but took a step closer now and plopped down on the armchair next to it, his upper body bound forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He returned the gaze just as stubbornly, glad she wasn't breaking it.
"The only way Director Hirst is going to keep you on our team is if you take up counseling again" he explained gently.
"She's not going to let me out in the field anyway" Jane shot back "The field is the only place where I could maybe do something useful for you. What am I supposed to do at the office? What am I supposed to do here? If she won't let me take up field work again, why bother at all? If she doesn't trust me outside the office she'd be smart to mistrust me inside as well."
"Jane" he reached out his hands for her but thought better of it and dropped them down on his knees once more "Taking you out of the field is not a punishment-"
"Oh please" she scoffed but he shook his head and raised his hand, asking her to let him finish his sentence which – to his surprise – she grudgingly did.
"It's not a punishment" he repeated, trying to convey the sincerity of his words in his eyes as well "She's is worried for you, too, and she's worried for the team. And not" he shook his head again when she opened her mouth "Not because she doesn't trust you or believes you're going to betray us. She doesn't blame you. She's worried because right now your self- destructive behavior is making you reckless and it's putting your life as much at risk as it does ours."
Adamantly she wagged her head at him "I would never put any of your lives at risk" she whispered, suddenly sounding as broken as she was "I'd take any bullet and any hit for any of you, I promise. If I can be nothing else, at least let me be your shield."
Oh Jane. His heart was breaking at her complete lack of self- worth and keeping himself from taking her into his arms felt like a true Herculean task just then but he managed to do it. "That right there is the problem" he said just as quietly, willing her to raise her head again to return his gaze again but she wouldn't look up from her fingers.
"Jane" he got up and scooted over to the couch, sitting down next to her with his right leg crossed beneath his body and his whole body turned towards her. When she still wouldn't stop fidgeting with her hands he put his hands on top of them, giving them a gentle squeeze until she looked up at him.
"I know you would never put us at risk. We all know that" he gave her a small smile but she seemed to look right through it "But you constantly putting yourself at risk to shield us will hazard our lives just as much as any bullet directed at our chests would." She still didn't seem to understand but he hoped she was at least listening.
"We love you. We value your life even if you don't and when you go out on your suicide missions, we will always follow you."
Finally she raised her eyes and met his gaze. Her green eyes shining with unshed tears and heartbreak and he could almost hear her thoughts. He could imagine how she would blame herself for not even protecting them the right way and he could hear the voice in her head yelling at her how worthless she was.
"It's not your fault" he told her softly, turning her hand so he could intertwine his fingers with hers "But we need you to get better. If you can't do it for yourself, at least give it a try for us." He squeezed her hand "We're not a team without you there. We need you."
That broke through her defenses and to his immense relief she gave him a silent nod before she removed her hand from his and collected her player again, putting the headphones back on her ears and started to scroll through the songs again.
It didn't take long until she had closed her eyes again, effectively shutting him out from our inner workings, but he was used to it and was contend with watching her for a moment while she lost herself to the music.
Truly relaxing for the first time since he had gotten out of his appointment and had found Jane missing, he leaned back into the armchair and let his eyes fall close. There would still be enough to worry about when he opened them back up eventually but right now he took this moment and bathed in the sense of belonging and purpose she gave him even when she wouldn't meet his eyes and couldn't understand his love for her.
After about half an hour Jane opened her eyes and was surprised when she found Kurt still sitting on the armchair, his head leaned to the side of it, his eyes closed and his features relaxed. As quietly as she could she shifted her position so she could watch him more closely. His whole body was turned towards her like it always was and she didn't doubt for a second that some part of him was actually still awake and guarding her.
For a while she simply watched him sleep, taking in every little detail of his appearance. She could see the bags under his eyes even though his eyelashes covered up some of them and he looked incredibly tired even in his sleep. His stubble was long, longer than he usually kept it – undoubtedly due to her leaving and him looking for her.
Involuntarily she lifted her hand to touch his cheek but she stopped herself mid motion as soon as she realized what she was doing and instead her hand fell lifelessly back into her lap. She wanted to take all his sorrow from him and help him carry the weight that was always sitting on his shoulders… but how could she when she was the source for most of them? How could she hope to help him when she couldn't even help herself?
He had said that he – and the team – needed her to get better and that's why she had to meet with Dr. Hall but what if he couldn't help her? What did he want to help her with anyway? How could he lift any of the guilt she was carrying when the source of it stayed the same? And how could it change? What had been done had been done and there was no use trying to change it.
Kurt's breathing was hypnotically calm and deep. It could calm her down like nothing else could and she felt herself match his breathing pattern and leaning her head on the couch's backrest, watching him and letting herself get lost in the music once more.
»And I'm wondering why I still fight in this life. 'Cause I've lost all my faith in this damn bitter strife. And it's sad, It's so damn sad. «
Jane looked down onto the player in her hand. Within Temptation. It seemed to be a band or a singer? She wasn't sure but she felt that some songs had been written exclusively for her and for some reason it was easier to listen to them than to her own sad life story. For some reason it was easier to let go and shed a few tears with a song in the background.
Was that what Patterson had wanted to achieve with her gift? That she would finally cry about what she had done so she could leave it behind her?
Following a sudden impulse she ripped the headphones from her head and let them drop to the couch as if they had burnt her. She didn't want people trying to make her get over it because none of them could understand that you couldn't get over being a murderer. There was no making this right as she had told Kurt before and even if she felt like maybe she could be redeemed just because she was listening to music… she knew it was too dangerous to believe in a promise like that.
It would come back to haunt her later. It always did.
Suddenly shivering she pulled the blanket tighter around her body and as she did the MP4 player dropped to the floor followed by her headphones and suddenly the peaceful silence in the apartment was broken and she watched Kurt's eyes snap open immediately at the loud crash.
His body leaned forward when his brain still seemed to be at least half way asleep and he automatically reached for the location where she had sat when he had fallen asleep but gripping into thin air instead. Now truly alerted he turned his head and hadn't she been watching so closely she wouldn't have seen the brief glimpse of fear she had seen in them before his eyes found hers and relief flooded them instead.
"Hey" he whispered, his hands barely touching her shoulder when he leaned back into the armchair. "You okay?"
She nodded and freed her hands from the blanket so she could bend down and pick up the two objects that had made the noise. She held them up in a way of explanation and dropped them on the coffee table next to her unfinished bowl of soup.
"Are you hungry?" she heard Kurt's voice and when she nodded it was more for his sake than because she was actually hungry because she wasn't.
"Maybe I could eat a few bites" she said timidly, looking up at him through her lashes and finding him smiling fondly at her.
"I'll heat up some of the soup" he exclaimed getting up, eager to get her something to eat and she followed his movement into the kitchen until she could hear him clatter and rattle in it with the pot and stirring spoon. A quick glance to her watch told her that they would have to leave in a little less than an hour if they wanted to be on time for her appointment.
Inwardly sighing she got up, grabbed her player and the headphones and headed for the guestroom to get changed.
Even though she slept in his bedroom most nights she had stashed all her meager belongings in the other room from day one. She didn't like to admit it, even to herself, that without him next to her she probably wouldn't even be getting the little amount of sleep she was currently getting.
She probably wouldn't go to bed at all if it wasn't for him forcing her to shut her eyes because she feared the nightmares that seemed to be getting worse every day. That had been the case on the first night he had taken her in. She had sat on the floor in front of the balcony door for hours, watching the city lights and people walking past and hadn't bothered to go to sleep, not even when he had bid her good night.
"Jane?" she heard his voice still raspy with sleep but she didn't turn around "What time is it? Why are you still up?"
Jane kept her eyes on the street lights and didn't hear but rather felt that he stalked closer to her until she could sense his presence next to her and he dropped down onto his knees next to her, following her gaze. She had been sitting on this exact stop on the floor cross-legged and unshifting before he had gone to sleep and she hadn't moved since.
"Have you tried sleeping at all?" he wanted to know and carefully reached out a hand to touch her shoulder "You're freezing."
She shrugged, her gaze unwavering.
"Are you scared to go to sleep?"
She turned her head so abruptly their skulls almost collided because neither had expected the sudden movement. "I'm not scared" she replied evenly, glaring at him.
Silently he let himself sink back, crossing his legs and mimicking her position but facing her still. His hand was still on her shoulder and he rubbed it up and down her arms a few times to generate heat. "It's okay to be scared" he said quietly after a while.
"I am not." Pulling back her arm in irritation she shivered involuntarily at the loss of contact and instead hugged herself tightly, letting her gaze drop to the floor.
"You're having nightmares, don't you?" His knowledge of her nightmares was a relic to a time when she had talked to him, when they had grown closer, when she had believed that she could be good – when the world had still been turning and hadn't been burned down to ashes by her family.
She tried shaking her head but for some reason she couldn't lie to him so she stayed still instead. Truth was, her nightmares had been getting worse every day. There hadn't been a single night since the attack that she had managed to get in more than two hours of sleep and she knew it was showing and she knew she couldn't keep going like that.
Fact was, though, that she didn't deserve better and that the nightmares weren't the worst of what she actually deserved. Still, she couldn't face them – she was too weak – and that was why she stayed awake for as long as she could every night, until her eyes would close on their own account and she would drift off to her own personal hell anyway.
When she woke she was usually covered in sweat and tears and blood from clawing her nails into her flesh and she usually woke up with a scream. She didn't want Kurt to see or hear her like that – broken. He didn't deserve to have to take care of her even if for some reason he seemed to have his mind death set to the task.
"They're only dreams." She heard him say and it was then that a tiny gurgle escaped her lips, hollow and lost as she was herself.
"And when I wake from my dreams I am a traitor and a murderer. Sometimes I think it would be better to stay in my dreams, at least there it's not always my fault."
Almost had he started the whole 'It's not your fault'- speech again, she had felt him take a deep breath for it, but somehow the words didn't come out and she was glad for that. It was tiring to listen to the same lies over and over again. Instead she felt him reach out for her again and wrap his arm around her shoulders. Instantly her body leaned into his touch and she silently cursed him for it.
Without a word he raised from the ground and pulled her with him until they were standing next to each other, his arm hugging her tightly to him. Slowly he started walking towards his bedroom, taking her with him and she was too cold and lost and broken to put up a fight. Gently he pushed the door open and walked up to the bed, lifting her up gently and laying her down on it.
He didn't try to make her change into something more comfortable than the jeans and shirt she was currently wearing but lay down beside her and reached for the big blanket to cover both of them. Again she shivered, her body finally realizing just how cold she had been.
Jane felt his hand grasp hers under the covers when he settled into a comfortable sleeping position – facing her – and she could feel his breath on her forehead.
"I love you, Jane" she heard him whisper and closed her eyes, trying to drown out his words "It's not your fault. I'm with you. I love you."
That had been the second time he had told her he loved her and he hadn't stopped telling her ever since even if she never reciprocated the words. Except for this one time when she had called his business phone just so she could hear his voice on the answering machine one last time, another weakness.
Without actively thinking about it she got dressed and they shared some soup before they left for her appointment with Dr. Hall.
"Mr. Weller, I cannot talk to you about what Ms. Doe and I discuss during our meetings."
Kurt groaned inwardly at the psychologist but had enough self- restrain to not roll his eyes at him.
"I know and I value doctor-patient- confidentiality, believe me" from the look on the other man's face he could see that he didn't "I just want to ask you a question about Jane and hear your professional opinion about it."
"Okay, I will answer your question to the best of my abilities." Doctor Hall leaned back in his chair, the clipboard he had been taking notes on laying head first in his lap, and he waited for the question expectantly.
Kurt nodded thankfully "So, I know this has only been the second meeting and that there can be no hope for immediate healing but still I'm wondering if there shouldn't have been at least a minor improvement? I know Jane, she doesn't like talking about herself and she's really hurt and she blames herself for-"
"I have read the file" Doctor Hall interrupted him "And I have made my mind up upon what I saw of Jane in the two sessions we've had together. I cannot tell you what she did or didn't tell me."
"I know" he was growing frustrated with this conversation and restless, knowing that Jane was waiting for him outside "I just- Sometimes she is really far gone and a friend gave her an MP4- Player with a lot of songs on them and she always listens to them, which is good, I think. But at times I'm wondering if maybe she's losing herself in the music. What if one day she doesn't want to come back from there?"
The psychologist nodded slightly, rubbing his hand over his chin thoughtfully "As I've read in the file Ms. Doe – Jane – has taken the escape route inside herself already when confronted with extreme torture. I understand why you might fear that she is going to take that route again."
That was exactly what he was scared of. He had never seen Jane truly close up, not as much as he knew she had when she had been tortured. The thought still made him reel, anger and grief and guilt overcoming him every time.
"I'm afraid, that one day she is going to leave mentally and we won't be able to get her back", he whispered.
"I understand your concern, Mr. Weller" the doctor said "In my opinion, from the few information I could gather until now, Jane has to find herself again. She lost her family and she failed the purpose she had reduced her life to, she doesn't know which way to go and what is right and what is wrong" he explained, leaning forward and looking at Kurt intently.
"Since she has come out of that bag in Time Square I believe she has always depended on other people telling her who she was and that was all she could make her mind up with. She had your team telling her that she is Taylor Shaw. Then she had this Oscar telling her the same thing but that she was part of something bigger, that this was her idea. Those were two sides of a coin and her inner struggle with those two identities never ended."
"Because when she finally chose a side, she was told that she had never truly been Taylor Shaw and right after that she was sent to a Black Site, with no one but herself and her torturers. In that moment she was back to square one and she knew nothing about herself – again – the only thing she knew was that she betrayed you, even if she did it for your own good. I think Ms. Doe has only ever been able to see herself in a positive light when looking through your eyes."
And he had ruined that by taking her into custody and letting her be tortured. Kurt didn't know if he wanted to hear the rest of it.
"She tried building up a life after she had fled the CIA but again her own decisions were overthrown and she was forced back here where she took the role as traitor and double agent and pawn that you gave her. You have to remember, she still didn't know more about herself than before only now it was believed she was part of a terrorist organization. And when she met her family who told her her birth-name she still wouldn't and couldn't join them again because she was under your control and in addition to that, so many people had already told her who she was and none of them had spoken the truth yet, why would she believe those people now?"
They never had given her anything to hold onto, had they? A wonder Jane made it as far as she did and stayed loyal to them through it all.
"So now she was fighting on both sides and was part of two teams – who both distrusted her – and she still had no clue who she was but she made that decision slowly but surely when she stayed on your side through the entire thing and with that she had to betray her family and she did that for you. She did it to save lives and then more people died and it's her family's fault and who's to say that her roots aren't as rotten as the rest of her family tree? That's going on in her mind."
"We never gave her time to truly find out what person she wanted to be" Kurt summarized quietly.
The psychologist shook his head "No, you didn't. She only ever relied on her reflexes and her gut to know what's right and wrong and now that foundation is thoroughly shaken and she has to build up her whole being anew. It's bound to take time - give it to her. I believe she is incredibly strong and will find her way. All we can do is support her along the way as much as she will allow it."
"Th- Thank you" he said, standing up from the chair he occupied and holding out his hand for the doctor to shake "Thank you so much for your thoughts on this… I will try to give her everything she needs."
"And don't pressure her." The other man smiled and shook the outstretched hand friendly "Have a good day, Agent Weller."
Jane had visited Doctor Hall twice and she had decided he was actually a nice guy and she tried to take their meetings seriously but still found it hard to trust someone with her inner workings and doubts. She didn't want to tell anyone of the magnitude of her guilt because she didn't think anyone would understand. Or they might understand and blame her too and cuff her and put her away for good and she couldn't take that even though she deserved it. Before that happened she would make a run for it.
She was curled up on the bed in the guestroom fully dressed and tried to calm the storm in her mind. Today the president would come to the NYO to talk to the team and to talk to her. What did he want to know? Did he blame her? He had to blame someone… who not her? It was her fault after all.
Kurt told her not to say that, though.
Everyone had told her that they didn't blame her but she saw the grief in their eyes when they thought about the attacks and she knew that she put it there. Sometimes she seemed to be doing better – she had finished half a sandwich in one try the other day – and on others she wanted to pull her hair and claw at her eyes and hurt herself for all she did.
In moments like these she couldn't breathe and guilt seemed to make up her whole being.
Curling up tighter she hugged her knees to her chest, her fingernails digging into her flesh and for a moment she let herself surrender to the stab of pain she felt – finally something she knew how to deal with.
Involuntarily her eyes flew up to the desk in the small room. On the desk was sitting a black sketchbook, taunting her weakness. Beside it was a wide variety of colored pencils, the whole package was still closed but there were three lead pencils lying next to it, calling for her. She refused them. Like she had every minute since Kurt had bought all of it yesterday. He seemed to be thinking that it would help her come to terms with what happened – to help her find herself as he had put it – but he was wrong.
She knew who she was and she was a traitor. Pretty pictures wouldn't change that. It was more likely that the darkness inside her would spill onto the paper for everyone to see and she couldn't let that happen. They would put her away and call her crazy and blame her and as much as she thought that they should she knew she wasn't strong enough to see the hatred return to their eyes.
"Jane?" Kurt's voice rang through the apartment and slowly she started to uncurl and relax her features. He wanted her to be better, she had to at least try to act like it for him. Jane sat up on the bed and straightened her clothes, freeing them of imaginary dust and not a second later Kurt was already poking his head in her room. "Are you ready?"
Nodding she shot him a small smile and got up. They were on their way to the office, at 7am – earlier than they had gone to work the last two days but today wasn't a normal day. So much depended on the conversations and briefings today, it made her sick to her stomach and she had barely managed to swallow a bite of her toast.
They were almost out of the door when her phone chimed up and she frowned down on it, the uneasy feeling returning with full force, just when she had hoped the day wouldn't turn out to be too bad.
"Is there a storm coming up?" she looked up at Kurt questioningly and he frowned at her.
"Not that I know of. Why?" he replied, currently distracted with straightening his tie for a last time he didn't see the terror in Jane's eyes.
"It's nothing" she whispered, barely audible. Putting on her jacket and shoes, trying to appear as calm as possible, she felt her heart sink into her stomach. She was being paranoid. Dr. Hall had told her that was a sign for PTSD. It was paranoia, nothing else.
Of course it felt real – paranoia felt real for the people who experienced it, she had read about that.
And still… suddenly the phone she had put in the back pocket of her jeans seemed to be so much heavier with this last message she had just gotten.
A storm is approaching New York City. Better prepare and keep the people you love safe.
With a link attached.