A/N: This one's for you Ishd! Because I did not continue reading your latest chapter after the author's note, but I'm gonna do that now. Anyway, this is going a lot slower than I imagined it would be. Still hope you enjoy it x

Almost everyone had already assembled in the bullpen when Jane, Reade and Patterson got there. There was an underlying chatter that dried up whenever someone new joined, as if everyone was scared of who might be listening. When Jane looked around she realized that she had never seen this many faces here on this floor and she already felt herself getting dizzy again.

"Hey" Kurt's voice pulled her from her own thoughts as he stepped next to her, resting his hand on the small of her back for a second before pulling away again, looking at her in concern. "Are you okay?"

She shot him something that she hoped resembled a smile and nodded. His slightly raised eyebrow, however, told her that he didn't believe her and she rolled her eyes at him, feeling an actual smile on her lips when he kept glaring at her and shrugged at him. He seemed to be taking that as the most he would get from her and mimicked her motion with a grin.

They could've gone on like this for a while if it hadn't been for Reade and Patterson who hadn't even realized the conversation they had just had in silence.

"By the way, Patterson, you really did choose nice music for that player" Reade was saying and suddenly Kurt's expression changed from slightly amused to grim in less than a heartbeat. Jane frowned at him as Patterson started chatting animatedly about how she chose the music for her player.

"You showed Reade a song?" Kurt wanted to know so quietly that she could only hear him because he was basically saying it in her ear. He sounded so hurt and Jane couldn't help but wonder what his problem was. Did she hurt him? Again?

She nodded, involuntarily grabbing the player in the pocket of her hoodie and looking up at him with big eyes "Is that a bad thing? I thought Doctor Hall and you wanted me to open up more."

"No" she watched him close his eyes and rub them with his left hand "It's a great thing that you're opening up to someone… I just thought" he seemed to be at a loss for words and she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Looking down at their clasped hands he seemed to be taking strength from the image "I though you would open up to me" he admitted quietly "I know how much those songs mean to you, you're always listening to them and they seem to help… But it's okay, you know, if I'm not the right person to talk to. I just want you to be happy and-"

He had started rambling and Jane was about to cut him off when Tasha did it for her. The Latina hurried towards them "Has anyone seen Nas? I thought she wanted to join for our talk. Seeing as this was a joined forces operation."

"You're right" Patterson agreed, looking around the area now as well "Director Hirst said she would be here but I haven't seen her yet or gotten a message. Have you heard from her, Weller?"

Quickly Jane dropped their hands and pulled hers back to join the other one in the kangaroo pocket of her hoodie when all eyes fell on Weller and, due to their physical proximity, on her as well. It felt better to not touch him when the conversation was about Nas, her feelings for the other woman were still conflicted and even more so when it concerned Kurt's and her relationship.

The thought of them together made her angry and sad at the same time even though she didn't have a right to feel either of those things. They were two adults who were obviously attracted to one another and she, Jane, and Kurt hadn't been anything at that point and she was still too broken for there to ever be anything else. He was bound to grow tired of her at some point and Nas was obviously very beautiful and-

No. She wouldn't go there.

Trying to distract herself somehow Jane looked up again and her eyes locked with Reade's. Could he see how insecure and broken she was in that moment? Was she as pale as she felt? Maybe that was the reason why the special agent sent her a reassuring look and a small smile, silently telling her that it would be okay.

Jane nodded and had just gone back to consciously controlling her breathing when the elevator pinged. Suddenly everyone was quiet, so quiet that you could hear a needle drop if there had been any movement whatsoever.

When the doors opened Jane was surprised to look at someone who looked so normal – except for the eight men from the Secret Service guarding him. The president had black hair that was kept short and already thinning out on his temples. He looked rather young but also wise enough to hold this position when he gazed at them over his glasses.

She returned the favor and watched him intently. Moving in his black suit with the black tie and white dress shirt he could've come straight from a funeral which she supposed was fitting considering how he had gotten his job. His gaze had stopped when he saw her and even though most of her body – and tattoos – where covered up she felt naked and uncomfortable under his eyes.

Thankfully Director Hirst stepped forward and reached out her hand, welcoming him to the New York Office and soon after the important introductions had been made most people scurried away again and only the pivotal part of their team was left and the whole thing got moved into Patterson's lab where they could be undisturbed.

The short way to the lab felt like an eternity today and each step she took felt watched over by the Secret Service, making her anxiety level rise to a new high and her leg feel like jelly underneath her body. Still she made it to the lab without incidents and immediately felt herself calm down when the doors fell shut behind them. At least this way not everyone would be able to listen.

Patterson led the way to the desk and the monitors she had arranged around it who all seemed cleaner than Jane had ever seen them. The blonde who was completely in her element seemed to be more nervous than usual and when she looked around, Jane could see the same look of uncertainty on everyone else as well.

"Mr. President" Patterson started, taking her controlling tablet into her shaking hands "This is where we usually work from. We have put all our data on the Sandstorm file on here for you to see and we already prepared a copy for you as well."

The man who was standing further away than he had been from his bodyguards since he had stepped out of the elevator, nodded "I believe Nas Kamal from the NSA was part of your team as well?" he looked around and again Jane felt as if he let his gaze linger on her a little longer than on anyone else "I thought she would be here as well."

"Yes" the blonde agreed with a wary smile "That- uh-"

Just then the doors fell open once more and Nas Kamal stepped inside, a heavy bag on her shoulder and a big folder in her hands "I'm sorry for the delay" she said, stepping over to the desk first to free her hands before extending her right hand to the president "My name is Nas Kamal. You must be President Pierce."

"Yes" the president shook her hand firmly, his eyes untelling but she didn't even seem to notice, already turning to her bag and pulling out her laptop as well as another folder.

"So" she started once she had set everything up and had quickly conversed with Patterson, connecting her laptop with the bigger screen "I assume you want to start at the beginning."

The man in the black suit nodded "That would be roughly two years ago, when Ms. Doe had been found in Time Square?"

"Actually" Nas pulled up the picture and newspaper articles she had shown the team early on in their shared investigation "We've known them longer than that." And with that she started explaining about her suspicion of a bigger terrorist organization that was responsible for many smaller attacks and how her source had confirmed her as much and told her about Jane's appearance in Time Square beforehand.

"You had been told about a key member of the organization being dropped off in Time Square and you didn't think to notify the FBI?" the president wanted to know incredulously, sounding like a normal person for once, while he pushed his glasses up his nose.

"No" she denied "We had been told that something major would happen and when it did, well, we had our eyes on Jane since then and watched her, hoping for someone from Sandstorm to take up communication."

With that Nas took a step back and let everyone else step forward to tell their story. They did – everyone except for Jane whose eyes were currently glued to the screen in front of her that was showing a picture of her tattoos.

Kurt started "After Jane had been found in Time Square they called the FBI as suggested on the bag and I got called back from a mission we had just finished because she had my name on her back" he pointed to the most dominant tattoo on her body on the screen "I didn't recognize her and she didn't have any memories due to an experimental drug we had found in her system."

"ZIP, right?" the president quipped in, having obviously done his homework before coming here.

"Yes, ZIP" Patterson nodded and pulled up the chemical formula, explaining how no one had ever seen it being used in such a high dosage and that they hadn't known whether or not she would be able to regain memories at all.

Samuel Pierce nodded his head slightly, silently listening to the explanation. When the blonde was done, he looked at Jane again "But you have been able to recover memories I heard. Is that right?"

She could do nothing but stare back at him, unable to form words when she could hear the voice in her head calling her a traitor and murderer once more and she could see some of her recovered memories in front of her eyes, blurring into one another and leaving her breathless. Thankfully Reade stepped in when he saw that she wouldn't answer any time soon and Kurt took a step closer to her, not touching but close enough to comfort her nonetheless.

"Jane has been able to recover some memories but it took a lot of time" Reade explained to the president "We found out pretty soon that she was a force of nature and that being in the field with us made it easier for her to remember certain things from her life before the memory wipe especially because her muscle memory was still intact. She could do everything from speaking a rare Chinese language over close combat fighting to shooting every gun in our armory."

"I believe you made Ms. Doe here part of your team, right?" the president asked "Why exactly did you think it was a good idea to give someone with no recollection of her former life but scarily accurate fighting skills FBI weapons?"

This time Tasha took a step forward and she looked like she was doing everything in her power to stop herself from glaring at the most powerful man on this planet. "Because she was an incredibly valuable asset and because it made our team stronger to have her as a member."

"And you all thought like that from day one?" he gave back, unbelieving.

Suddenly Jane saw Reade's mistrustful gaze before her eyes and Tasha watching her interact with Kurt and Kurt… he still looked at her like that sometimes, as if he didn't know her but still understood her more than she understood herself.

"Of course not" Patterson quipped in "But she proved herself to us over and over again."

"Until Oscar showed up." Nas pulled up a picture of the man Jane had drawn for them and she could feel her blood freeze when she saw his face. She had drawn him with the small smile he had always shown her but his eyes… she had drawn them as empty and cold as she had last remembered seeing him. Dead. In her arms.

Murderer.

"After about half a year Sandstorm finally approached her after Tom Carter, former director of the CIA, had abducted her to question her at an illegal black site." If the existence of those illegal sites was news to the president he didn't let it show but simply kept on listening. "They probably would've waited longer to see if the team would continue following her tattoos but were forced to save her when it came to it."

"Did he tell her what she was part of?"

"Yes. And no" Nas said "He told her that she had done this to herself and that she was part of some organization but didn't further specify what kind of organization. Of course, Jane only told us about all of that later."

Tasha glared at her and Jane was surprised when she heard her say the words that she would've expected anyone else to say "Because she was trying to protect us. And Weller. That Oscar guy" she waved her hand towards the picture "Threatened us and that's the only reason why she did what she did. Should she have told us? Of course" that sounded more sad than anything and Jane had to swallow her self- hatred once more.

Liar.

"But we were the only people she knew and she didn't want to risk our lives." Tasha crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared ahead unblinking, supported by several nodding heads behind her.

For the first time Director Hirst stepped in to cool things down "No matter the reasons, it's a fact that it happened and it was through several smaller missions that former Assistant Director Mayfair was framed for Tom Carter's murder."

Traitor.

The president simply nodded, obviously having read some sort of file beforehand "Assistant Director Mayfair had been killed by Oscar and Agent Weller" he looked at Kurt "took Ms. Doe into custody after having realized that she wasn't really Taylor Shaw has Sandstorm had made you believe."

Next to her, Jane could see Kurt pressing his lips together tightly and glaring at the floor so he wouldn't glare at the president. She wanted to give him some kind of reassurance but she knew that she couldn't. Not right now with everyone watching them.

Nas answered for him and started explaining how she got into CIA custody – she still suspected the NSA Agent to have had her say in that as well but would never actually voice that out loud. The look the president threw her after she told him that she, Jane, had broken out of the black site in Oregon without any outside help was surprised and maybe even impressed?

She could almost hear his thoughts, wondering how someone as broken as she was could fight the CIA and escape. Jane kept herself from choking out a hollow laugh. Little did he know that no physical pain she had endured in that black site could be worse than the knowledge of being responsible for so many deaths… That was what had broken her. Not the torture. Not even the team's hostility. Not the fact that her family were terrorists.

Her own role in everything was what broke her.

Killer. Perpetrator. Spy.

She tuned them out then. She couldn't listen to what happened after her escape. About her being a double agent and about the failed raid on the Sandstorm compound. She didn't want to hear about all the people she killed while she was working for both sides but hadn't belonged to either. She didn't want to see the president's eyes when he looked at her again but this time with hatred in his eyes because she had killed those people.

No matter how often Nas and Kurt and everyone else had told her that she had to do this to obtain her cover – the blood was still on her hands. No matter how often she washed her hands, they were always red but no one but her wanted to see it.

Instead Jane stood there, her gaze fixated on the screen in front of her without really seeing the changing images, and let everyone else talk about her and her family and her actions. She emptied her mind and tried to keep herself as stable as she could, no thoughts of guilt or fear or hatred… she didn't think about anything, just staring straight ahead.

At some point she felt the conversation shift and they didn't seem to be talking about the past anymore but about the future and how they wanted to go ahead and what the president expected and in what way it was possible to achieve. And finally it was over but just as Jane was about to turn around with the rest of her team to leave the room, the president called her back.

"Ms. Doe? Could I speak to you for a second?"

At first she had wanted to deny him and she felt Kurt stiffen next to her as well, but who was she that she could say no to the president?

"What did you talk about?" Kurt's voice cut through the silence that had dominated the car since they had stepped in.

He was driving but whenever he could allow it, he would try to get a quick look at Jane in the passenger seat who seemed to be concentrating on her MP4 player but without wearing her headphones.

From the corner of his eyes he could see her shrug at the question and he almost wanted to sigh inwardly. He had hated the thought of her talking to the president alone from the first second on but no one had listened to him when he had said it would be a bad idea. It was the president after all and he could talk to anyone whenever he pleased.

And now Jane seemed to be even more drawn into herself than she had been this morning. As a matter of fact he had the feeling that she had managed to pick herself up a little from the deadly mood she had been when they had left for the office and even though it had made him feel helpless not to be with her every second he could, he had texted her that he couldn't pick her up from her counseling and she had texted him whenever she went somewhere and whenever the control freak in him had gotten the better of him, he had risked a quick glance at the security footage and she had always been where she said she would be.

She had even worn gloves in the gym.

That alone had made his heart swell in his chest with love for her. Maybe she was on her way to recovery after all. Maybe his Jane wasn't as lost as she always told him.

Jane still hadn't answered his question and he was about to come up with something else so she would talk to him – he didn't really care what she talked about as long as he could hear her voice – when she asked a question of her own.

"Why did it bother you so much that I showed Reade a song?"

Kurt swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and, for once, kept his eyes fixated on the road ahead of him "It doesn't bother me. It's your choice who you show your songs to."

"It does bother you, though" He could hear her frown without looking at her "I just want to understand what I did wrong."

"You didn't" he sighed "You didn't do anything wrong. Please, Jane, I want you to talk to anyone who makes you feel safe and like you can trust them.."

"I trust you, too. You know that, right?"

Thankful for the red light he quickly glanced over at her, complete sincerity in her eyes. Did he know that she trusted him? He had always thought – since the attack – that she trusted him as much as she trusted anyone, which admittedly wasn't much, and maybe even a little more than the rest. But today… when she had shown Reade the song… Why did it bother him this much?

Was he jealous that she would show something this personal to someone who wasn't him? Yes, he probably was. But he didn't want to be. He didn't want her to think of him first when all he wanted her was to get better… Maybe she wouldn't need him for that...

"I've never shown you any of my songs because I didn't want to bother you." Her soft words pulled him from his thoughts and his heart broke at them.

"You could never bother me" he gave back quietly and found her knee with his right hand, giving it a gently squeeze.

"I know" she replied and Kurt could feel her small warm hand covering his, her fingers entangling themselves with his "But you already spend so much time on me. You feed me, you drive me, you talk to me, you worry for me" she listed and with every key word she would raise their intertwined hands a little and drop them back on her knee. "You even give up your night sleep to keep my nightmares at bay and when I can't sleep you stay up until I finally close my eyes. I know that you always look out for me before you look out for yourself. I see those things, Kurt. And I didn't want to take even more time away from you by showing you some songs that don't mean anything."

His voice felt raw when he finally managed to reply "They mean something to you, so they mean everything to me" he said quietly "You mean everything to me and everything you just said… it's true, I'm doing those things but it's not a waste of time to take care of you. I'm always going to be there for you whenever you need me. I love you, you know that."

For the first time since he had started telling her that, he got some sort of reply. It was a barely visible nod but it was still there. It was still something and it made him hope.

They were quiet for the duration of the drive home but their hands stayed intertwined and the silence didn't seem as overwhelming as it had before. It felt easier for him to concentrate on the road when he felt her soft hand covering his, when he had constant proof that she was still here with him.

Kurt was just turning the key in the lock, about to swing open the door to their apartment when the door to their left opened and their neighbor stepped outside, clad in a coat and the hat he was always wearing. He was only missing the pipe and the British accent to mark him as Sherlock Holmes.

Kurt greeted him with a friendly smile, as did Jane but when they turned around again he continued.

"I wanted to apologize for the inconvenience the other day" he said with a smile and when they both stared at him in confusion he explained "You know, all that sand? My niece wanted to redecorate our terrarium after my wife gave her a turtle for her birthday who's now living with our animals for the time being" he sighed in fake exasperation but his eyes were still twinkling.

"She helped me carry all that sand upstairs and one of the bags ripped open and spilled its contents everywhere. We cleaned it up as soon as we could but I could see someone had already been outside before we could pick it back up."

Kurt nodded, taking Jane's hand again who seemed like she was frozen in place, staring at the man in front of her and the floor alternately. "It's not a problem. Thank you, though."

Tipping his hat their neighbor waved them goodbye and started climbing down the steps of the staircase.

Turning to Jane Kurt squeezed her hand once more "Are you okay?"

"Yeah" she replied hoarsely. It didn't sound very convincing but he told himself he would talk to her about it once they were inside and he got her something to eat, assuming that she hadn't eaten anything all day long.

Jane's thoughts were running a mile a minute.

The sand had nothing to do with Sandstorm, it wasn't a hidden message to scare her off. It was just some nice grandpa who had helped his niece with what she wanted and they spilled some sand. Some might be a huge understatement but it was still just sand, nothing to be afraid of. She had simply been paranoid.

It was all paranoia.

Some part of her wanted to sigh with relief, some wanted to laugh in desperation and some wanted to cry because if she couldn't believe her own instincts… what could she believe?

Silently she went through the moves of undressing and washing her hands and sitting down on the couch while Kurt disappeared into the kitchen and soon she could hear him work his magic with the groceries.

She got up again and this time she dropped down on a barstool on the kitchen counter, watching him work. She loved how he moved around in the kitchen like the boss he was. It felt like he belonged into a domestic place like this one, he would be a perfect husband and father one day… It made her smile slightly even though it made her sad as well.

Wanting a future with him didn't mean she would be able to get it. She couldn't even properly tell him that she loved him because she was too broken to admit it… how could they ever stand a chance?

Dropping her gaze to her hands she considered if she could say the three words once more. She had done it before, after all, and there weren't any less true now. But no.. she couldn't bring herself to do it. Maybe she could give him something else, though.

Very deliberately she pulled out her music player from her hoodie again and clicked on the home- button, looking for the playlist she had created when they had sat in the car. Her hand was a little shaky when she clicked on it and found five of her favorite songs yet.

Standing up she walked around the counter slowly until she was standing right behind him and gave him a light tap on the shoulder. Instead of explaining herself, she simply handed him the player and put the headphone on his head with a small smile.

He started at her in disbelief for a little while longer until he got out something "You don't have to."

Jane nodded and pressed play.

"I want to."