Rats vs. Pizza

Rory discontentedly kicked a empty can of cola down the sidewalk, muttering:

"No more vampire ninja. No more Rory the Vampire, fighting for truth, justice and the Canadian way. No more of the awesome anarchy of prank-z. No more flying. No more zooming across town in a couple seconds. No more fun. Just plain old human Rory."

The Rory whose eyes itched from the new contact lenses his mom bought him to wear. Well, it was either wear those or go back to glasses. Rory was now a guy who needed eight hours of sleep each night. The Rory who'd be going back to his asthma inhaler when the mould spores blew around come fall.

"Man, I don't even know why Ethan and Benny asked me to come over and play Zombie Ninjas VIII."

Rory rang the doorbell of Ethan's house and waited expectantly.

"Operation Rory begins" Ethan told Benny, with a thumbs up. "On schedule."

Not since Ethan left Rory for dead at Jesse's fateful "vampire party" had Ethan felt so guilty about the fate of his gullible friend. But Rory was now cured. Ethan thought he could make things totally right for his pal.

There had been the fact that Rory had jumped onto "Team V" wholeheartedly. Should Ethan respect that? NO! Definitely not. Rory was often a pain, but he deserved better than to think being a bloodsucking creature of the night was the way to go.

It was Friday, and Ethan's parents were out on date night, but Sarah wasn't babysitting. She had gone to a movie with the still distraught Erica. Ethan didn't envy Sarah the task of trying to convince Erica the human life was the best life. It was next to impossible. Ethan had seen it in a vision that all Sarah would hear from Erica that night were quotations from Dusk and praise for the vampiric life as a higher level of being. The fact bloodsuckers, were, you know cutthroat and evil didn't seem to make an impression on Erica. Well, maybe a positive impression.

For once, Ethan's parents had trusted him and Benny to babysit Ethan's little sister. And that meant the two friends could turn all their attention on convincing Rory that humanity was the way to go.

Benny opened the door for Rory. And then Benny just . . . stood there.

"Well?" said Rory.

"Whazzzzzz up!" said Benny, with a shrug.

"Yeah. Whazzzzzzzzzzzzz up!" said Rory angrily. "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Why?" said Ethan, coming to the door. "We asked you at school if you wanted to play Zombie Ninja VIII tonight."

"You've got to invite me in" said Rory.

"Why?" asked Benny.

"Because . . . oh, yeah" said Rory.

Rory well remembered the day after being turned into a vampire. He had flown to Ethan's house. He had tried to climb in through his friend's window, but Rory's hands were burnt on the sill with a sickening sizzling sound and he crashed to the ground. Ethan and Benny had been the ones to tell Rory that a vampire had to be specifically invited if they were to enter a house.

Rory went gingerly across the threshold, carefully going in hand after hand, leg after leg.

"Rory in the house!" he said.

Rory went in and out of the house a few more times, just to get the hang of doing it naturally.

"Can't do that as a vampire" said Benny. "Not without being invited."

"Yeah, but you'd better not try breaking into houses as a human" Ethan said ironically. "Not if you don't want to be taken in by the cops."

"But you can't fly as a human" Rory countered irritably.

"There's a spell where I can" said Benny, brandishing his arms. "Floatum Benny nummow."

Benny floated alright. He floated upside down and got his foot caught on the chandelier.

"Rory Vampire used to fly way, way better than that."

Once Rory and Ethan had gotten Benny down, the three played Zombie Ninja VIII. For once, Rory was winning. Rory even began enjoying himself. That is, until the pizza arrived.

"Mediterranean with extra garlic" said Benny, as he put the pizza on the coffee table. "And garlic bread on the side."

"What're you thinking guys" said Rory desperately, throwing down his game controller and backing away. "Are you trying to kill me? Kill your pal the Ror-ster?"

"We thought of you, Rory" said Ethan. "We've got something for you to eat."

From a door in the cupboard Ethan pulled out a large cage with a enormous black sewer rat inside.

"I hope you don't keep food in that drawer" Benny said sarcastically.

"Thanks" said Rory, as Ethan passed him the cage.

Benny and Ethan looked at Rory with disgust, as Rory opened the cage to grab the oversized rat. Would Rory remember he wasn't a vampire? Or would he drink the rat's blood in front of them? Or just eat the whole thing?"

Neither. Rory knew from experience that a rat that size was a nice juicy specimen. Why, he wouldn't have to look for another for the next few days. But Rory didn't expect what was next. For a moment, Rory was struck by a sudden wave of nausea. Rory shook the unexpected feeling. He went ahead and bit the rat.

"Ugh" said Rory.

The rat tasted like you'd think a rat would. Mangy fur and coarse skin; damp and wet and reeking.

Rory spent the next minute or so spitting the rat fur from his mouth, as Benny used his floating spell to catch the angry rat and put it back in its cage.

"You're not a bloodsucker anymore, dude" said Benny. "You don't have to eat rat."

"I don't think I ever want to" said Rory, flopping down on the sofa. "Those things are nasty."

Rory made a face as he remembered how much rats' blood he had drank over the last couple years.

Ethan practically pushed a slice of pizza at Rory.

Rory first looked at the garlic with alarm, but in a moment he grabbed the slice and chomped down. It was his first slice of pizza in two years. And Rory had forgotten what he had missed. He ate over half the pizza and almost all the garlic bread.

Benny angrily watched Rory eat the pizza and the garlic bread. The pizza Benny had ordered to his specifications. The pizza that represented a rare victory. Benny had gotten it free when the deliveryman had arrived two minutes late!

"Relax" Ethan told him. "He's your friend. It's been years since he could eat anything with garlic."

"Yeah, but after this let's cut to the chase" said Benny.

When Rory had eaten the pizza, a bottle of coke, and gave a few of his best belches for good measure, he picked up one of the controllers.

"So, anyone ready to try to beat the Ror-ster at Zombie Ninja VIII?"

"Forget zombie ninja a minute" said Ethan, sitting to Rory's left as he finished one of the few slices he could get his hands on. "You really want to be a vampire ninja again?"

"Yeah. Who else can fight for truth and justice but mysterious and smooth vampire ninja? That is, beside Rory Vampire."

"Truth and justice while sucking on the blood of rats and small creatures to survive" said Benny. "Or sucking the blood out of people and adding onto Whitechapel's enormous missing persons' list. That's Team V and all it stands for.

"Nuh-uh" said Rory petulantly.

"Yeah?" said Ethan. "Then who else besides you . . . and Sarah . . . on Team V were fighting for justice."

"Erica . . . I mean, once in a while. When she wasn't abandoning me. Or cheering on the bad guys. Yeah, I guess they're not a great crowd. But I can work alone!"

"When did you ever fight for truth and justice alone?" asked Benny. "Without us by your side?"

"Yes, us. Your real friends" Ethan emphasized.

"I guess . . . never" said Rory.

The whole vampire thing was becoming less fun by the minute, at least to Rory's mind.

Rory's thoughts had been, typically, scattered. Revolving around pizza, Zombie Ninja VIII, Rory's lost vampire superpowers.

But now Rory was forced to focus, he realized the point of this evening. He understood that Ethan and Benny had invited him over to convince him that being a vampire was bad. Very, very, bad.

Yeah, the two never liked the idea of being vampires, or they might have asked the Ror-ster to add them to Team V. But now Rory realized Benny and Ethan were sort of right. Vampires couldn't do a lot of fun things. They couldn't enter homes unless there was someone there giving them permission.

And those invitations eventually wore off. There were times Rory found he had to ring his own doorbell and have his mom or dad invite him into his own house! It didn't even matter that Rory had a key! Rory'd burn his hand on the very doorknob as he tried to go through the door he'd just unlocked!

And vampires had no pictures, no reflection. Rory had already missed two yearbook photos. And what about pizza? No pizza if it had garlic. And you couldn't have a real pizza without the garlic.

Being a vampire meant chewing on rats and other small animals. That wasn't tasty. That was sick!

It meant living on forever. Until Rory was staked and burned up. Or Rory could even end up like Jesse and Anastasia. It wasn't actually forever. Someday Rory'd be killed. Vampires were always killed, sooner or later. If not by humans then by other vampires.

Yeah, Rory could live for centuries without getting old. But he'd just be stuck as a teenager for ages to come. But that wasn't so bad. He'd have a lot of fun. Or would he? He'd be on the sidelines watching normal people grow up and move on. Always being on the outside looking in. His friends and everybody else would actually live a life.

"You ever tell your mom you were a vampire?" asked Benny, in a very faked casual tone. "I mean, she still thinks you're volunteering at the petting zoo because you want to be a vet. I mean, you're her only son. She'd be pretty disappointed."

Rory had worried about the grounding he'd get if his mom had discovered what he was. Now, the hurt he'd bring on his mom came to mind. Rory didn't like it. Didn't like it one bit.

Benny and Ethan nodded to one another. Now came the final part of the plan.

"Now" said Ethan, to Benny.

The two sprayed Rory with handheld water guns.

"Frack" said Rory, as he wiped the water from his eyes.

"That's holy water" said Benny, handing Rory a napkin. "Careful cleaning it off."

"We thought it was worth spraying you" said Ethan. "It would make you think."

"Yeah, it could burn me alive" said Rory, wiping his face. "If . . . I was still a vampire."

"Rory, man, have you ever thought about why holy water burns vampires?" asked Ethan.

"I just knew that it . . . ." started Rory, but then he realized the why.

Vampires were evil creatures.

Rory felt as if an atomic bomb had gone off in his head. The shock waves reverberated over and over again. Rory's memories of the morning after being turned into a vampire played over lucidly, in vibrant colour.

Ethan's and Benny's expressions when Rory told them he was a full vampire.

Ethan's disbelieving question to Rory "Do you know what you've done to yourself!" echoed again and again painfully in Rory's mind.

Ethan and Benny's wry rejoinder to Rory when he said he was going with Jesse to the church. "Vampires don't do church."

And there were many a time since when Rory was bragging about some vampire-thing, Ethan and Benny had looked on him as if he were crazy. Because, Rory had been.

But Ethan and Benny hadn't told Rory that. Because it had been too late. Rory's friends couldn't do anything but shut up and play along.

They figured Rory was an evil bloodsucker for the rest of his cursed life. Or, even if Rory himself hadn't technically been evil, the bloodsucking curse just made him an evil creature who was friendly. And Rory didn't see that as too much of an improvement.

"Yeah" thought Rory ruefully. "Vampire ninja? Rory Vampire? Nothing but a couple of bloodsuckers."

Rory's moment of mental clarity and mental anguish were strong enough to touch off Ethan's seer powers. It was strong enough to leave Ethan shaken as well.

"He gets it" said Ethan simply.

"I sort of figured that out" said Benny, who had never seen Rory so distraught.

"Guys, I don't want to be a vampire!" said Rory at once, in a frenzy. "I don't want to be a bloodsucker! You miss all the real fun in life! Your life is destroyed. You're downright evil!

Rory jumped over the couch.

"I don't want to! I don't want to!"

"You're not!" shouted Ethan.

"Dude, you're cured!" added Benny.

The two rushed over to hold Rory in place before he could hurt himself.

"I'm cured" said Rory. "I'm cured. The Ror-ster's cured! He's human. Guys, man, dudes, was I ever stupid!"

"Yeah, we know" said Benny.

"Man, how could you stand being around a former vampire?"

"Rory" said Ethan, "My babysitter's a vampire. Well . . . actually now my girlfriend" Ethan bragged.

"Yeah, yeah, that's right" said Rory, calming down and returning to the sofa. He sat down and cradled his head in his hands. "Dudes. Thanks for straightening me out."

"That's no problem, Rory" said Ethan, as he gave Benny a high five to celebrate a job well done. "And if it makes you feel better remember we were monsters too . . . briefly."

"We were?" asked Benny.

"When?" asked Rory.

"Last year" said Ethan, reluctantly. "I was a werewolf for about three days."

"Yeah" said Rory. "I remember. You tried to eat me."

"Not to mention eat me" said Benny.

"You tried to eat me" countered Ethan.

"When was that?" asked Benny. "There was an evil Benny, but that wasn't actually me . . . me. And that Benny didn't try to eat you."

"I'm talking about zombie Benny."

"Oh, yeah, that's right" said Benny. "One of those coffee zombies bit me. And I was all like "Benny wants to eat brains." But only for about an hour."

"Well, the point it that we figure you're our pal, no longer a vampire, just one of us" said Ethan, "As if all three of us are fellow Jedi going into battle against the Galactic Empire."

"So" said Benny, with a neat trick pulling what looked like a Star Wars light sabre out of thin air, "we give you your own ultraviolet light tanning bed light sabre, for the exclusive hunting of vampires and the other monsters that'll likely come to plague Whitechapel from time to time."

Rory cheered up, as he took his new ultraviolet light sabre.

"Human Rory is in . . . da . . . house"

Benny and Ethan picked up their own light sabres and crossed swords with Rory.

"What'll we call ourselves?" asked Rory. "Team FM?"

"FM?" asked Benny.

"Former monsters" said Rory.

"NO!" Benny countered. "What does FM have to do with Jedi? And I don't go around bragging that I was a zombie."

Ethan wasn't paying attention to the two. While crossing light sabres with Benny and Ethan he had a vision. Ethan realized that the newly devamped team would have its first challenge in a few days time.

To be continued