A/N: Hey guys! Thanks as always for the awesome response! Appreciate it so much...loving hearing what y'all think of this fic. I think there'll be one more chapter for sophomore year (plus summer) after this one, then we're onward to junior.
I get so jealous that I can't even work. There I am in the morning, I don't like what I see.
I don't know how it's become such a problem.
So Jealous / Tegan and Sara
"So what do you think of Larry?" Polly asks her as soon as they get out of the gym, heading for the concession stand set up in the hallway. Her voice is all hush-hush conspiratorial, and Piper belatedly clues in to why Polly spent the whole last quarter alternately cheering for Danny and facilitating conversation between Piper and Larry Bloom.
"He's nice," she says, meaning it. He's actually so nice it's surprising Danny's friends with him. He's never really surrounded himself with that sort of guy, the sweet, fumbling, trying-really-hard kind. Her brother's friends are more the over-confident asshat type; Piper assumes only through the chance of random roommate selection are those two friends.
She frowns a little with that thought, hoping that isn't true of her and Alex.
"Good," Polly says, satisfied. "Cause I think he's totally into you, and you need a reason to start coming to Overbrook with us."
Piper makes a face as they get in line. "I can't date my brother's roommate."
"Why not? Danny won't care, and even if he did you don't need his permission."
"I know. But it's just weird."
They reach the front of the line; Polly gets a diet soda, and Piper orders two. Off Polly's look, she lies, "Alex texted me to get her one, must've seen us going out."
"Oh." Polly quickly gets back to the matter at hand. "Listen, Larry's like the best guy. You guys would be adorable." She lowers her voice. "He asked me if you were coming to winter formal. You are, right?"
"I think so, yeah," she says, even though it's a week away and none of her friends have brought it up.
"You're coming," Polly says decisively. "Even if Alex and everyone don't go, you can come with us."
They get back to the bleachers, and Piper catches Alex's eye from across the crowd. She waves the extra soda can at Polly. "I gotta take this to Alex."
"Come back up after?"
"Um. Maybe in a little while, sure."
Polly rolls her eyes good-naturedly. "If you don't, I'm just going to spend the whole time talking about you to Larry."
Piper laughs a little as they split into different directions. She steps over legs to get to the middle of the row, and Alex grins up at her as she settles back in her spot and hands over a soda.
"Fuck, thanks for asking if we wanted anything," Nicky says loudly.
"Didn't have enough cash," Piper says, making a mock sad face at her that makes Alex and Poussey laugh. "Hey, do you guys go to winter formal?"
Alex turns to look at her, eyebrows high. "Why wouldn't we?"
"I don't know. You kind of seem like you'd be that girl who thinks prom's really lame."
Alex's lips curve into a half a smirk. "You know I hate being predictable."
"It is lame," Poussey clarifies. "But we pregame and throw down."
"Why you ask, Chapman?" Nicky leans around Poussey and Alex to look at her. "Harper set you up with a hot Overbrook date?"
"No," she says firmly. "She just asked if we were going."
"Fuck, I gotta do a liquor store run," Alex mutters absently. "Demand is about to get crazy."
Poussey exhales a scoffing sound. "The fuck is it about your magic ID that makes a fifteen year old look twenty-one?"
"It's not the ID, babe." Alex says with a smug grin. "It's confidence."
Heat fans out in Piper's gut, some strange surge of jealousy, and the need to get Alex's attention again seizes her, but before she can think of something to say, Janae turns toward them, face screwed up in skepticism.
"Whatever, this bitch pays seniors to drive over an hour to this liquor store in the boonies where the dude don't give a shit." She looks right at Alex, smirking. "Bet she wears a low cut shirt when she does it, too."
"Oh, now you want to contribute to the conversation?" Alex shoots back, throwing a nacho at her that misses and hits Nicky.
"Fuck, Vause!"
"Um..." Piper's voice cuts through the banter, seeming out of place. "I'm gonna go back up and hang out with Polly for awhile." To just Alex, she adds, "I just wanted to bring you that."
The mirth on Alex's face clouds over, and she pulls on Piper's sleeve even though she hasn't even stood up yet. "Oh, c'mon, you put in your time. Stay here."
Piper feels herself start smiling. "Okay."
Alex grins back over the top of her soda can, pleased with the easy acquiescence. It makes Piper realize this was all she really wanted - not to leave, but to be asked to stay.
Everyone is coming to their room to covertly pregame the dance, but they get ready on their own, Alex's music playing while they put on makeup, still in ratty T-shirts and soffee shorts, bouncing on the balls of their bare feet while they lean close to the mirrors that hang on both closet doors.
Piper glances sideways at Alex, her glasses on top of her her head, carefully winging her eyeliner. "So you went to both dances last year?"
"Mmm-hmmm."
"Do you dance?"
Alex turns to look at her, amused. "What is your deal with this? Why are you so surprised I'm even going?"
Honest, Piper blurts out, "You seem too cool for dances."
That makes Alex laugh. "This dance made me a lot of money this week." That much, at least, Piper can attest too - people have been coming in with backpacks every afternoon, picking up booze orders. "But don't worry...I saved some that's definitely going to make this a cool event for us."
She straightens up from the mirror and opens the closet door, rummaging around inside for a moment before spinning around to smile at Piper. "Only the finest jewels for you, m'lady," she jokes, brandishing a bottle of tequila with the formality and fanfare of a game show girl presenting prizes. "Silver and gold."
Piper laughs. They've all started referring to liquor by colors, her own idiotic, weed induced assessment of their taste apparently immortalized in an inside joke.
She pads over to the mini-fridge and pulls out a carton of orange juice. "You need a mixer?"
"Um...for now."
"Yeeeah, Pipes. That's the spirit." She pours a tequila orange juice mix, more tequila than not, into two cups and walks one over to Piper. "It's actually a good thing it's Overbrook's turn to host this shindig...they always manage to spike the punch. Too fucking vigilant over here."
"Nice," Piper says, taking a generous gulp of the drink. She studies Alex while she drinks; she's got more make up on than usual, and even without her dress on she looks gorgeous and grown up. "Could I borrow that?
"What?"
"The, uh..." Her cheeks warm slightly, and Piper stupidly touches a finger to her own lips.
Alex grins. "Sure." She grabs the tube of lipstick off her desk and tosses it to Piper. "I'm gonna change real quick."
"Kay." Piper leans close to the mirror again, keeping her eyes on her own reflection, painting her lips the same bright red as Alex's.
"Okay, fully clothed."
Piper turns to look at Alex, her black dress and red lips, swallowing silver and gold. "Wow, you look amazing."
Alex's smile floods her whole face with light. "Thanks."
Alex is finished getting ready, so there's really nothing for her to do perch on the edge of her desk, drinking and watching Piper carefully curl her hair. She's not the one with the Instagram obsession, but she kind of wants to take a photo right now. It's something about the contrast between Piper's face, made up and sophisticated, hair falling around it in soft golden waves, and her middle school tennis T-shirt with a hole in the neck hanging low over her short purple shorts.
Piper glances over at her, maybe sensing the staring. "Are you doing anything with your hair?"
"Nah, my hair's pretty come as you are."
"C'mere, let me at least curl the ends or something."
"I'm good."
"Alex..." Piper sets the curling iron down on her desk and crosses the room toward her.
"Pipes," she mocks back, a precise echo.
"I promise you won't hate it."
"Oh, that's comforting," Alex snarks, but then Piper touches her wrist and wins the argument, simple as that.
Alex sits in Piper's desk chair, and Piper combs her fingers through her hair. Alex likes it, likes it so much she'd probably let Piper do anything, whatever stupid bun or up-do or fucking fairy princess braid she wants, as long as her hands stay where they are.
She keeps her drink within reach and keeps sipping from it, until Piper taps her on the head and admonishes, "Stay still, I don't wanna burn your neck."
"I'd take an injury in the pursuit of alcohol," Alex says, and she feels Piper's laugh hit the top of her head.
Piper takes the cup from her hand and puts it out of reach on the dresser. "Drastic measures."
Alex tries not to smile. "Better hurry up, then. I'm already sitting here against my will."
"Aw, you poor, tortured thing," Piper says, and Alex can hear her smiling, too.
She thinks about Piper telling her she looks amazing, the way she'd practically exhaled the words, and that look on her face, like maybe maybe maybe -
It's so stupid to think like this, like they're in some teen movie when the dance is the climactic moment where everything changes and feelings get exposed, but all week Alex has been catching herself looking forward to tonight like it really, really matters.
On the desk, her cell phone vibrates. "Am I allowed to look at that?"
Piper hands her the phone. "As long as you don't flail your arms around when you text."
MOM
[big dance tonight?]
ALEX
[yeah, getting ready now]
MOM
[have fun babe]
[and send me pics!]
"Is that Nicky? Are they on their way?"
"It's my mom," Alex replies. "She wants photos."
"Good, we need to take some anyway. Aaaand..." She steps around in front of Alex and bends down, studying her hair head on. She and Piper spend a lot of time this close to each other, but more shoulder to shoulder than face to face; it makes Alex very aware of her own breathing, all of a sudden. "I'm all done."
She has to swallow hard before she says, "You better get dressed. Everyone'll be here soon."
Piper checks the time on Alex's phone, back on her desk now. "Shit, you're right. One sec."
Alex pivots the chair toward the mirror, checking her hair while Piper opens her closet and gets her dress. Her hair is in loose waves around her shoulders, nothing too different, but she likes that Piper did them.
"Done."
Alex looks over, sees Piper in this gorgeous, champagne colored dress with a skirt that looks like she should be twirling. "Wow," slips out, and she stumbles a bit before continuing. "You look...great." It comes out small and inadequate, because she means beautiful and is afraid of what her voice will give away if she says it.
Piper looks pleased anyway. "Thanks." She keeps checking her reflection in the mirror, and then she grabs her phone. "C'mere, we need a picture."
"We're not gonna be able to get the dresses in."
"So we'll do another one when everyone gets here."
Alex never actually says no to this, so she puts her face close to Piper and smiles. It takes three photos before Piper's satisfied.
"I'll send it to you, you can send it to your mom."
"Thanks." She shakes her nearly empty cup at Piper. "You need to catch up."
Suddenly the door bursts open, and Janae and Poussey dance into the room, Nicky shoving impatiently between them. Everyone's loud and hyper and excited, and even though Alex's instinctive response is a surge of disappointment that she and Piper are no longer alone, she gets over it pretty quickly, playing the hero as always by providing the drinks.
"Thirty minutes until we have to head for the bus, people," Alex announces, passing around cups. "Make 'em count."
The bus takes them the four minute drive to Overbrook, and the process of loading the buses and signing everyone in is about five times that long, but Piper doesn't mind; she feels tipsy and warm sitting against Alex on the bench seat of the bus, and Piper kind of can't stop looking at her.
She's so pretty it's a little ridiculous. Piper keeps getting strange, sudden urges to tell her that, but that would definitely sound weird.
Polly walks down the aisle with Jessica and Sarah and the rest of their friends. She catches Piper's eye and grins. She's been going on about formal - and Larry - all week. Piper hasn't said anything to Alex, or any of the others, about it. She doesn't feel particularly invested in Polly's matchmaking plan; Piper thinks she'll be perfectly happy spending the night with her own friends.
"Too bad there's no room in these dresses for flasks," Alex murmurs, close to Piper's ear. She laughs and turns to look at Alex, their faces close together. She can smell the mints they'd all popped on the way out the door, thanks to Alex's reminder that chaperons tend to stand at the door and check breath for booze if anyone seems suspicious.
Alex must read something in her face, because she squints her eyes a little and asks, "What?"
"Nothing." Piper's voice is soft. "I'm just having fun."
Alex's smile is slow and sweet. "Already? Fuck, Pipes, just wait until the dancing starts."
Piper smiles back at her because she can't not, when suddenly Poussey pops over the back of their seat with her phone extended. "Photo bomb!"
"It's not a bomb if you're the one taking it, dumbass."
They all expertly pass inspection walking into Overbrook's banquet room, somehow managing to appear entirely sober for their entry.
"Punch?" Piper says eagerly once they're inside.
Alex's buzz must be doing its work, because she slings an arm around Piper's shoulder when she laughs at her. "Appreciate the enthusiasm, kid, but you gotta give it an hour or so before the punch is really worth it."
"Damn it," Piper jokes, leaning into her side, not seeming to mind the contact.
Then Nicky, damn her, grabs Piper's hand and lifts it up, drawing her dramatically away from Alex. "Until then...we dance."
Behind Piper's back, Alex gives Nicky an annoyed look. She just smirks.
Poussey jerks her head toward the dance floor. "C'mon, let's get out there before Janae abandons us for the night...leaves me with all y'all and your white people dancing..."
Looking up from her phone, Janae says, "Marcus is still smoking, apparently, so we got a few minutes."
"Good, then let's fuckin' go." She grabs Janae and Piper by their arms and hauls them toward the dance floor. Alex thwacks Nicky with the back of her hand as they follow.
They find a space among the throng of already dancing students; these dances are always overcrowded - all the students in good academic standing from both schools - and far too packed with boys, but it's kind of nice that there's never an awkward period. Most everyone present has been through these before, and feel no need to hug the wall and warm up to the dancing portion of the evening. Everyone jumps right in.
Including her friends, the music and their dresses and Alex's tequila mixing together for this frenetic good feeling they seems to pulse between all five of them. They dance together, more of a clump than a circle, and Alex ends up face to face with Piper, and she's not even certain if she orchestrated that or if it just happened.
Piper looks like someone not used to dancing; she seems overwhelmed, looking at Alex for instruction, and before she can stop herself, Alex winks at her.
Jesus.
She goes easy, moving her hips and arms in a way Piper can easily follow. They dance through that song and into another before Piper seems genuinely comfortable, biting her lip against a smile.
A song they know comes on, the kind with a chorus that begs dancing to turn into jumping, and they start singing along, turning a little to share it with the others - save Janae, who's pressed against Marcus three feet away - but Alex and Piper's eyes keep seeking the other out, their bodies occasionally brushing at the edges, clumsily magnetic.
They're six songs in before they all venture off the dance floor, throwing off their heels to join a comically large line of shoes lining the perimeter of the room. Piper takes a photo of it, and then someone Poussey knows from volleyball team comes by and tells them the punch is "really good", so they head for the snack table and help themselves to what tastes like Kool-Aid and ginger ale with a harsh bite of cheap vodka.
Back in their spot with full cups, they dance and half sing to any song that's even kind of recognizable. Piper's completely loosened up by then, and her full out dancing turns out to be dorky in a way that's almost unfairly adorable. Alex loves this about her, the way her enjoyment of any given moment just takes her over, so she's open mouth smiling and bobbing her head with the music. She keeps dancing closer, her eyes all lit up like someone who just discovered their favorite song, and Alex's hands can barely stand not touching her.
They've been dancing for over an hour, so Piper's sweaty and sore in the best way.
At some point, Janae's disappeared to find a make out spot with her boyfriend, Nicky's off dancing with some freshmen girl, and Poussey gets pulled into a group of her volleyball teammates, but she and Alex stay where they are.
Alex is a good dancer, her movements fluid and effortless in a way Piper doesn't think she'll ever be able to pull off, but when it's just the two of them she gets a little goofy. It's contagious, and soon they're both giggling madly beneath the sound of some Top 40 song Alex would probably never listen to voluntarily, over exaggerating their facial expressions and doing too much with their arms. Every once in awhile Alex seizes Piper's hands, or maybe Piper reaches for her, and they do some brief parody of a swing dance move that makes Piper laugh like she's too happy to stay quiet.
It's so much fun with her, and Piper really likes that she's drunk right now, the way it gives her tunnel vision so she isn't even thinking beyond the immediate, awesome moment.
But then Polly grabs her arm and pulls her out of it. "Oh my God, dude, what the hell? I've been texting you all night."
"My phone's in my purse, we left them at the front - "
"Well, you and me need photos. Come hang out." Her pause goes on just too long before she adds, "Alex, you, too."
Alex lets out a sarcastic, single syllable laugh. "Yeah, no thanks."
At that, Piper says to Polly, "I'll just come find you later."
"No way, c'mon it took forever to find you. And..." Polly smiles suggestively. "Larry's asking where you are."
Hesitant, Piper turns to look at Alex. She only nods shortly, but all the smiling has gone out of her face. "Go ahead if you want."
"I don't have to - "
"You clearly do," she says in a low voice, angling her face away from Polly to roll her eyes at Piper. "It's fine, I'm gonna go find Poussey."
"I won't be long," Piper tells her, probably a little too loud as Polly practically pulls her away.
"Have you had the punch in the last half hour?" Polly shouts over the music as they weave through the crowd.
"Oh, yeah."
"Excellent. Though I guess you're nice and set up for pregame, huh? With Alex as your roommate, I mean."
"Yeah, we were well prepared."
"Pooh Bear!" Danny's hands clamp down on her shoulders as they reach Polly's group. "Look at ya all dressed up...let's take a photo to send to Mom. Pol?"
"Got it." Polly aims her phone and Danny throws an arm around Piper.
"Say sober!"
Piper actually laughs a little at that, and the flash of the phone's camera catches it. A second later, though, she wrinkles her nose. "Jesus, Danny, did you bathe in Axe?"
"Had to cover up the weed smell, Pooh. They wouldn't have let us in."
"You should smell our room," a voice says from beside her, and she turns to see Larry Bloom, his suit jacket off and his tie loosened, shooting her a wry, lopsided grin. "I might choke to death tonight...death by Axe. And not the cool, badass murdery kind."
She laughs, surprisingly glad to see him. With her brother and Polly wrapped up in each other - literally - she'd rather talk to Larry than anyone else in this group. The guys are all Danny's usual brand of friends, the kind that make her feel like she's always the butt of some joke, and she can't help but see the girls as Jessica Wedge's minions.
"Should I be disturbed that you called ax murder cool or what?"
He grins. "Wait, is that not impressive? I gotta rethink some things..."
"Smile, you two!" A second later, Polly's camera goes off again, and then she's leaning into Piper to take one of the two them. Piper wants more punch so she takes her brother's: he curses at her and she just smirks while she downs it, causing a bunch of the other guys to ooh and generally act lame. Danny gives her the finger and then pulls Polly back to the dance area, everyone else following. Her brother and Polly starting grinding in a way that is, quite frankly, disturbing to watch. Other guys start pressing against the girls like there was some unspoken agreement, but Larry turns to her with a sheepish smile and asks if she wants to dance, which seems sweet of him, so Piper tells him she does.
Alex makes the rounds for awhile, dancing with a few of the girls from the soccer team for a couple songs before grabbing another cup of punch and joining Poussey and a group of her volleyball friends who are definitely benefiting from their recent purchases from Alex.
She makes another trip to the punch bowl, but it's obviously been recently refilled and is no longer alcoholic.
There are two different hallways off the banquet hall, open for bathroom purposes only, and Alex heads down the hall to see a smattering of couples kissing, probably stealing moments in between chaperon patrols.
She's washing her hands on the sink when suddenly Sylvie Barrett comes to the sink beside hers, grinning sideways at her. "Hey, Alex."
"Oh, hey."
"You're looking good."
She glances over, reading her expression, hoping Nicky hasn't given her any ideas. She hasn't seen Nicky for about forty-five minutes, so there's no telling how much havoc she could have wreaked by now.
"You, too," Alex says neutrally. She usually flirts pretty casually with Sylvie - and Laney, and a handful of other older, upperclassmen lesbians - but doesn't feel much like doing it in a crowded bathroom.
"Thanks." Sylvie grins. "Decided to rock the suit this time. You should try it." She glances around, then opens up her jacket, revealing an inside pocket and the silver flash of a flask peaking out of it. "Plenty of advantages."
Alex arches an eyebrow, suddenly a little more interested.
Five minutes later, they've slipped out an exit and are trading sips of whiskey from the flask, leaning back against the brick building.
"You and your girlfriend looked like you were having fun," Sylvie says oh-so-casually after the first few sips.
"She's not my girlfriend," Alex recites, not the first time she's said that tonight. But with her soccer teammates, they'd seemed to be genuinely assuming - Sylvie's just fishing. "She's my roommate."
"My mistake. Did you hear about my girlfriend?"
Alex has a sudden vision of Laney Dorse's purportedly armless volleyball trophies and has to bite back a smile. "Heard you don't have one anymore."
Sylvie points a finger at her. "Correct. Laney wanted to break up now so we wouldn't feel obligated to 'influence each other's college decisions'."
"So practical." Alex says, leaning against the building and holding her eyes. "She figured you'd pull a Legally Blonde and follow her to Harvard?"
"Please." Sylvie rolls her eyes. "She's not fucking getting into Harvard. None of the Ivy's...she'll be lucky to pull Smith."
Alex turns her smile teasing and sharp. "It's nice you're not bitter."
"Actually..." Sylvie's voice slows a little, and she leans close. "Right at this moment? I'm not remotely bitter."
Alex takes a swig of the whiskey, and as soon as she lowers it they're kissing.
Sylvie's mouth is confident and sure, her fingers slipping beneath the straps of Alex's dress, and it's good, it's fine, this is the sort of thing she's supposed to be doing, but Alex can't get out of her own fucking head and give herself over to the moment.
She can't shake the fact that this isn't who she wants to be kissing.
So she backs away, turning her head and trying to act like she's taken the kissing to a natural end rather than cut it off almost immediately. "I have to get back inside, but, uh...thanks for the drink."
Sylvie's eyes flash genuine anger and hurt, too much for the ten minutes they've been talking, but she twists her mouth into a sardonic smile. "Sure you do. Off to see the roommate, right?"
"I am," Alex says before she can stop herself.
Because Alex chooses Piper over free whiskey, over kissing a girl who isn't her, over just about anything; and if even Sylvie is noticing something between them, then it's not just in Alex's head.
Alex heads back into the banquet hall, polka dots of light spiraling over the dance floor as she starts searching impatiently for Piper. She feels dizzy and warm blooded, and drunk enough to maybe use the word beautiful this time.
And then she walks right into a scene from one of those stupid teen movies, after all, except it's not the good kind, the happy moment in the spotlight.
It's the sort of clichéd, predictable moment she should have fucking seen coming.
Piper's kissing some boy on the dance floor, her arms wound around his neck, hips still half heartedly moving to the music against his. And even though Alex was doing the same thing two minutes earlier, it's still a sudden, gut-punching kind of awful. The kind of awful that brings you to your knees.
She waits it out for a moment, giving it a chance to end the way her and Sylvie's kiss did, but it just keeps going and going, long enough that Alex has to figure out how to breathe.
Self preservation finally kicks in and she drags her eyes away as soon as they start stinging, turning to push her way blindly through the crowd.
Alex has never, ever felt so stupid.
She thinks about finding Sylvie again, for her flask and for the kissing, but she already feels sick to her stomach and neither of those would help. But Alex has less than an hour to get herself together, to get okay again, because when the lights come up and the dance ends, there is no avoiding Piper.
"Yo, Bloomer! Get off my little sister, dude!"
This loud, half serious command from her brother provokes another chorus of lame noises from his friends, and interrupts a good two and a half songs worth of making out, definitely the longest Piper's ever kissed anyone.
It was nice, and not a bad milestone for her first ever high school dance, but they'd been kissing long enough for it to become unexciting, so she's not that pissed at Danny for interrupting even though his method is obnoxious. She scowls at him and thumps her knuckles against his chest. "Shut up, asshole."
Larry's looking a little embarrassed, but he doesn't address Danny's demands, just meets Piper's eyes and says, "You want to maybe step outside or something?"
She can't imagine there's any point to going outside beyond kissing more, in a slightly more private location. She runs a hair through her hair, feeling the mess of it. "Um, I should probably find my friends, actually. My roommate."
"Oh." He nods, face falling in slight disappointment. "Okay. Maybe find me later?"
"Yeah, if I can." She catches Polly's eye to wave goodbye, and Polly gives her a congratulatory grin.
She spends a good ten minutes cutting random paths through the dance floor, looking for everyone, mostly Alex, suddenly a little annoyed with herself that she spent so much time with Polly and Larry. The dance must be almost over, and all that dancing they'd done at the beginning still feels like the best part. She wants more of that.
She finds Poussey and Nicky dancing with some girls she only vaguely knows. "Where's Alex?"
"Great to see you, too, Chapman," Nicky says dryly.
"We figured she was with you," Poussey tells her.
"No." Piper's suddenly and obscurely worried. If she's not with any of them, and almost certainly isn't with Janae and Marcus - who've probably snuck off to his dorm room by now - then who else is she with? "I better go look for her - "
"Relax, Ducky," Nicky tells her, the most unfortunate variation on her baby duck nickname. "You guys can survive ten minutes away from each other."
Alex waits a few minutes after she sees Piper, Nicky and Poussey load back onto the bus before she heads for it herself. There's a seat beside Piper, just in front of Nicky and Poussey, and Alex reluctantly drops into it. She doesn't read into the smile Piper gives when she sees her.
"Hey! Where were you?"
"With soccer people."
The lights are on in the bus, harshly exposing everyone's end of the night looks: makeup half sweated off, hair flat and matted. Piper, of course, looks prettier somehow, all flushed and big eyed. Damn her. Alex can't really look at her, doesn't trust her own face not to give her away in all this light.
Janae runs onto the bus at the last minute and has to sit in the front, but she twists around to grin at them, her facial expression identical to one she has winning a race, and a few merciful moments later the bus pulls off.
"I was looking for you," Piper says to she in a quieter voice when they pull onto the road. Alex has only been quiet for a minute or so, but there's already worried confusion laced through Piper's voice, and Alex knows why: she sat down beside Piper like she was anyone else, not immediately seeking a connection.
"Ah, sorry," Alex says, and her voice at least sounds completely normal. "I thought you were with Polly."
"Not for awhile," Piper says, still cautious. She's staring hard, seeking eye contact.
Alex bites her tongue and gives it to her. "How was she?"
"Fine..." Piper frowns a little, scrutinizing her. "Did you smoke?"
"Yeah," Alex lies. "Got a hold of a flask, too. I am kiiiiinda fucked up right now."
"Gotcha." Piper says, her face relaxing, writing Alex's weirdness off to a cross buzz. Good.
Back at the dorm, they change clothes and sneak downstairs to Janae and Nicky's room, along with Poussey, for the traditional post-dance round up. Alex is glad for the crowd, and she takes a thermos with the rest of the tequila and doesn't offer it to anyone else.
She perches on top of Nicky's desk and the others settle onto both beds to discuss their escapades: first, the report of how far Janae and Marcus got in grand, heterosexual detail (further than before, not all the way) and how they nearly got caught heading to the dormitory. Next up, Nicky regales them with her tale of seduction with some freshmen girl on the track team.
Alex can feel Piper's pride, and her eagerness to be included - just another teenager doing what teenagers are meant to do at dances - when she blurts out, "I kinda made out with my brothers roommate."
Janae and Poussey make over the top scandalized noises, but Nicky just looks right at Alex in this almost-sympathetic way she hates, so Alex doesn't even let Piper's admission settle before she says right to Nicky, "And you were right about Sylvie. I made out with her for awhile in exchange for some whiskey."
Nicky laughs. "Told ya she has it bad for you, Vause," Poussey lets out a low whistle, mutters about how she hopes the whiskey will seem worth it when Sylvie starts vandalizing her dorm room. Alex wants to check Piper's reaction but doesn't.
Text Message, Saturday, 10:04 am
LARRY
[Hey Piper it's Larry Bloom. Polly put your number in my phone last night, hope that's okay. Just wanted to say I had a really good time with you.]
PIPER
[Oh yeah that's totally fine.]
[I had fun, too.]
LARRY
[Awesome. Would you maybe want to hang out again after break?]
[We don't have to wait all the way for spring formal to do it haha]
PIPER
[Sure, sounds good.]
LARRY
[Great! I'll text you. Have a good break, and a good Christmas.]
PIPER
[Thanks, you too!]
[I mean, a good Hanukkah]
LARRY
[haha thanks]
They leave for Christmas break the day after formal, and Alex tells herself that's really good timing.
It's two weeks without Piper, and that should be enough time to get herself ready for what has to happen next. She came up with the plan for the last hour or so of the dance, standing outside on her own and berating herself for her stupid, childish hope.
She will stay friends with Piper - she has to stay friends with Piper - but they can't keep this up, the almost-couple, platonic girlfriends act. That's what fools her, what gets her twisted up in hollow maybes.
So Alex plans to come back from Christmas break and begin a friendship with Piper that's no different from the one she has with Nicky or Poussey or Janae. All of those are still good. It's not nothing.
She's getting a ride home with Poussey and her mom, and they leave before Piper's parents have come to pick her up. They've been hungover and hurriedly packing all morning, which makes it easier to keep conversation at a surface level.
Piper bemoans the length of the coming break and hugs her long and hard when she leaves, and for just a second Alex wants to cry because it feels like a different sort of goodbye than Piper thinks it is.
"Hey. You okay?" Poussey asks in a quiet voice when her mother's in the bathroom at the restaurant where they stopped for lunch.
Alex is looking at Piper's Instagram; she'd chosen a photo of just the two of them, her one upload from formal, even though there were tons of photos of their whole group, and surely more with Polly and her brother and probably even fucking Larry.
"Yeah. I'm good."
Text Message, Wednesday, 3:23 pm
PIPER
[twenty minutes into this drive and I'm regretting this whole 'home for break thing']
[can't we just squat in the dorms this summer?]
ALEX
[haha]
[don't think my mom would like that]
PIPER
[fine, but when I get my license in June I'm inflicting myself on you]
ALEX
[Nicky says we should all spend a week in her many vacation homes]
[assume most of you guys will have cars by then]
PIPER
[right I think I'm the last to turn 16]
[and I could come pick you up]
[we could have taken you home today btw. If you ever need a ride.]
ALEX
[it's fine, it's on Poussey's way, they're only half an hour from me.]
PIPER
[does she take you to your place?]
ALEX
[No.]
[My mom will still be at work when get there, I have them drop me off at the restaurant.]
PIPER
[gotcha.]
Alex drags a rolling suitcase and stuffed backpack into Friendly's, getting a few stares from customers but a grin from the familiar hostess, who nods toward the back of the restaurant. "In the kitchen."
"Thanks." She finds her mom dropping off dishes, and waits until the plates and glasses are all out of her hands to say, "Hey."
Diane Vause whips around and gives a happy little shriek before engulfing her daughter in a hug. "Hey yourself, babe...that's no way to make an entrance."
Alex grins into her mom's hair, instantly feeling better than she has since last night. She feels bad for people who don't get along with their moms.
Diane pulls away and looks at Alex. "You look tired." She smirks. "Does that mean formal was fun?"
"It was...a lot," Alex says, glancing around at the rest of the wait staff having to move around them. "I'll tell you about later."
But her mom can always tell when she's off, so Diane's head tilts, her face folding into concern. "Something happen?"
"Not really."
"Okay," her mom says, in a way that makes it clear she's only dropping this temporarily. "You hungry? Here..." She heads for her purse and hands Alex her keys. "Put your stuff in the car and go grab a table. I'll put your usual order in."
Alex eats lunch at Friendly's, then takes the keys on her mom's insistence and drives home - a technically illegal drive, since she only has a learner's permit, but they only live ten minutes from the restaurant, and Alex practiced this way all last summer. According to Piper, her dad has been pushing for them to "put in some driving hours" over this break, and he's apparently an awful passenger seat driver, so Alex almost texts Piper to brag about her own lack of instructor, but she checks the instinct.
She never bothers to fully unpack when she's home, just sets her suitcase in the small space between the bed and the wall The bedroom is barely bigger than the bed, and Alex has to duck down a little to get through the doorway. When she first gets home from school, the trailer feels claustrophobic for the first few days, and she always feels guilty about thinking that.
Between the bedroom and kitchenette there's a living area, and Alex sits on their old yellow couch and watches TV, killing time until she has to head back to pick up Diane.
Half an hour before her shift ends, Alex calls in a pizza at a place near Friendly's. Her mom had told her she'd taken tonight off from Wal-Mart, so she orders Diane's favorite and pays with her weed/liquor/cigarette money.
"Get a load of you," Diane says when she gets in the car, inhaling the pizza and breadstick smell. "First night back and you're cooking. Gonna fucking spoil me, babe."
"You know my specialty."
Diane starts counting through a wad of bills; tip money. "How much was it?"
"On me."
"Al."
"Mom. I mean it. I got this."
Diane shakes her head at her, mock exasperated. "What do you get up to at that school?"
Alex smirks. "I've got an entrepreneurial spirit. And I'm surrounded by kids with trust fund sized allowances."
"Mmm-hmmm," Diane hums skeptically. "Just tell me you're not doing anything too risky, yeah? You worked hard for that scholarship."
"I know. I wouldn't mess it up."
"Good." Diane reaches across the seats and brushes back the hair on Alex's shoulder, her voice warm and teasing, "You know I love when you're home, babe, but we don't need ya kicked out."
"Don't worry."
Her mom waits until they're home, on the couch with the pizza box between them, and Alex is hooking her laptop up to the television and scrolling movie options on Netflix.
"Hold up, kiddo...we got catching up to do first. Come sit."
Alex breathes out a sigh, not sure how she wants this to go. Officially, she is trying not to be upset, but her mother has a way of drawing truth out of her.
"So..." Diane raises an eyebrow. "The dance?"
"It was fun," Alex says carefully.
"You know I need to see more pictures than you sent."
"Here..." Alex hands over her phone, open to photos. "Don't get sauce on it."
"Yes, ma'am..." She starts scrolling, but cuts knowing eyes at Alex and says, "So tell me what happened."
"It's not a big deal."
"Okay. But it's something."
"Just...Piper."
"Ah." She doesn't sound surprised.
"She made out with this Overbrook guy, her brother's roommate. And I don't know, I...I'd just started to actually think the night might...go a different way."
"Oh, babe." Her mom's face softens in this way that makes Alex feel maybe five years old, like she wants to crawl into her lap. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine, I mean...I think we just got really close really fast, living together and everything, and it started to feel like something it wasn't." She pauses. "Nicky calls her my platonic girlfriend."
Her mom's quiet for a second, her eyes back on the phone. "I can sorta see why." She shows Alex what she's looking at: a photo of the two of them at the pregame, not a posed selfie but one Poussey took just before the bus. Alex is laughing, enough that her face is motion blurred, and Piper is looking at her with this big, face scrunching, eye sparkling smile. "You sure you're wrong?"
For the first time since last night, Alex feels her throat tighten. "I'm sure I'm not the one she was kissing last night."
"Right," her mom says quietly, putting down the phone to comb her fingers through Alex's hair. "That's shit, Al. I'm sorry."
"It's not her fault."
"No. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck."
Christmas break goes slowly.
It's way worse than Thanksgiving, long enough that Piper actually falls back into the routine of home. And it kinda sucks.
There's work she could do - finals start less than two weeks after they get back, the less than ideal schedule making winter break a bit inconvenient - and Piper used to be perfectly fine shutting herself in her room for hours, reading and studying on her own, but now that feels too lonely and dull. She's gotten used to being around her friends constantly - if nothing else, she and Alex are almost always together.
It doesn't help that Cal's still in school the first three days after she and Danny get home. Danny's hardly company, always taking his car and going off to meet his Overbrook friends who live semi-close, making Piper incredibly jealous in the process.
She ends up going to see her grandmother a lot; she always seems genuinely glad Piper's home, and likes to hear about boarding school beyond grades and teachers and a laundry list of extracurriculars.
Not that she can say everything, of course - Piper leaves out the smoking and drinking, the first time she's had anything to censor - but her grandmother wants to know what her friends are like and what they do for fun, subjects Piper's more than happy to ramble about.
So Piper tells her all about the lightning storm and movie nights and laying outside the dorm under the stars. She keeps catching herself saying we instead of I, like a habit, like she's barely even a singular person anymore, and she keeps having to clarify: "We, I mean, me and Alex, roasted marshmallows over the dorm oven one time...put it on coat hangers and held it over the flames, it totally worked..."
She says it so much it starts to sound like one word, meandAlex; it's her favorite way to start a story. With Cal, too, when he's home from school and she doesn't have to censor herself at all.
"We do miss you around here, sweetheart," her grandmother says once, patting Piper's hand. "But I can tell you're happy there. Every time you call, I can just hear it in your voice."
"I am happy," Piper agrees earnestly. For a second, she wants to say more, explain that the word itself even means something different now. Before this year, she'd have said she was happy, and all she would have meant was that there was nothing wrong, that she wasn't especially sad or angry or stressed.
Now, though, happiness is so much more than just an absence of anything bad.
Text Message, Wednesday, 2:39 pm
PIPER
[isn't this the creepiest nativity scene ever?]
[look at the baby jesus's face?]
[did the photo come through?]
Text Message, Wednesday, 7:04 pm
ALEX
[yeah, it did, sorry]
[Been at work]
PIPER
[oh nice]
[how's that going?]
ALEX
[it's okay. Super dead, not a shocker.]
[has me wishing I'd only applied for jobs with no public restrooms]
PIPER
[but then we wouldn't have such weird shoes]
Text Message, Friday, 11:22 pm
PIPER
[Get this Danny drove an hour and a half to take Polly on some carriage ride her town does around Christmas]
[and apparently the carriage only goes like around the block]
[so: three hour round trip]
[two minutes in a horse and buggy]
ALEX
[wow that's not even enough time to fool around under a blanket]
[actually maybe it is idk your brother]
PIPER
[hahahaha]
[ew though. Did NOT need that image.]
[what are you up to?]
ALEX
[shopping for Mom.]
PIPER
[aw nice what are you getting her?]
ALEX
[not sure yet. hopefully find a couple really good gifts]
PIPER
[well good luck.]
Text Message, Tuesday, 8:27 am
PIPER
[Hey, Merry Christmas!]
Text Message, Tuesday, 11:16 am
ALEX
[Merry Christmas]
[do you like...get up early to check if Santa came?]
PIPER
[ha ha]
[we do breakfast at my grandmother's pretty early.]
[what are you guys doing?]
ALEX
[um I'm still in bed]
[which is my idea of a happy holiday]
Text Message, Sunday, 4:49 pm
PIPER
[Hey you back yet?]
ALEX
[yeah got here around one.]
PIPER
[Awesome we're about to drop Danny off, so I'll see ya soon!]
Text Message, Sunday, 6:11 pm
PIPER
[hey where are you?]
ALEX
[Nicky and Janae's room.]
[Come hang out if you want.]
The things is, Piper has been a little worried about this semester, ever since she heard Alex made out with Sylvie.
It bothered her more than it should, probably, but she doesn't want Alex hanging out with a bunch of seniors all the time. It's different then her and Larry - even though he had texted her a few times over break, and when they dropped Danny off he'd asked her if she wanted to hang out next weekend - because he's not even at the same school. If Alex starts dating some girl at Litchfield, she could practically disappear.
So Piper's relieved when, the first day back, Alex answers Nicky's incessant pestering with the firm insistence that the kiss was "purely party behavior, motivated by alcohol".
But then something starts changing anyway.
At first she thinks it's just finals. They're all stressed, and intently studying, and it's not like Piper's ever seen Alex in hardcore academic mode before. Maybe she's always like this, a little quieter and less engaged. And maybe she just likes working in the study bays in the library with everyone else, instead of in their room.
But then testing ends and classes change and this gaping, awful lack between her and Alex only becomes more obvious.
It makes Piper's bones feel hollow, all the time, like she's done something wrong. They rarely hang out just the two of them anymore, and when they're all together, she's almost certain Alex talks to her less than anyone else.
When it can't be helped, in their room after curfew, Piper becomes annoying in a way that's fueled by pure panic. She can't shut up, asking Alex constant questions - stupid ones, prying for details about soccer practice or biology lab that can't possibly be interesting - or wringing anecdotes out of every little moment in her day, searching and searching for what used to be so easy between them.
It's not that Alex seems angry; anyone overhearing the two of them wouldn't think anything was wrong. She just never once takes the conversation further than she has to.
Piper doesn't know what she did wrong, but she really, really wants to fix it.
After Christmas, Alex covers herself in flame retardant and tucks all her feelings inside her sleeves, but it sort of feels like she's bandaged her bloody hands just to start punching Piper instead.
Even without looking at her, Alex can feel the hurt confusion coming off Piper in waves, and it makes her feel like the worst kind of asshole.
But Piper's seen Larry four times that Alex knows of since finals ended, and Alex still spends the length of every date alone in their room feeling like her chest is being pried open.
So the wall she's put up between her and Piper stays necessary.
It takes Piper until February, a few days before Valentine's Day, to say anything about it.
Alex has had her headphones in for the last hour, doing math homework. Out of the corner of her eye, she's aware of Piper closing her books, packing her bag for the morning, and finally turning off the light clipped to her bed. So Alex closes her textbook, homework stuck inside, and drops it unceremoniously to the floor before reaching for her own light.
"You don't have to turn it off," Piper says, like they both don't know by now that light doesn't keep her awake.
"I know, I was done anyway." Alex says, sliding further under her covers. "Goodnight."
She's spent the past two months building a dam in her throat, keeping everything she's feeling from flooding into her voice, so "goodnight" just means goodnight, not I'm so glad you're here, today was great, I'll see you tomorrow.
She's been lying there, listening to Piper breathe for a few minutes when a small, tentative "Alex?" comes crawling across the room to reach her.
They've gotten good at reading each other's voices at night, and there's a weight to Piper's that says this is serious, that it's something she's been building to.
Alex goes very still, and for a second she thinks about feigning sleep, not answering - but they know each other's nighttime silences, too, and Piper won't be fooled. "Yeah?"
Piper seems to take a second to string her question together. "Are you mad at me?"
It makes Alex's chest ache, the way she says it so small and worried. "No, Pipes," she answers, the nickname just slipping out.
When Alex doesn't follow up, doesn't explain, Piper tries again. "Did I do something?"
"No."
"Then what's wrong?" There's a hitch to her voice that just makes Alex wish she could take all the hurt back for herself.
She exhales slowly, and she can hear Piper's sheets rustle like she's turning toward her. Alex could feign confusion, insist everything's fine, but the moment already feels too honest.
"Okay...you know how I said I made out with Sylvie at formal?"
"Yeah..."
"Well. I...barely did." Alex's mouth feels dry, but it's easier to talk like this, the words slipping out of her and into the darkness, pretending there isn't anyone listening. She's pretty sure that's why Piper chose this moment to confront her. "She kissed me, and I kissed back for a second but...the thing is, I just wanted to find you again. More than I wanted to keep kissing her."
"I don't get it," Piper says. "Sometimes I'd rather be hanging out with you guys than Larry. Why is that such a bad thing?"
"Because, Pipes. Sylvie's hot, and gay, and she likes me. I should want that. But I'm not going to as long as you and I are...as close as we were." Alex's cheeks feel hot, and she's glad Piper can't see her face. "It messes with my head. And you didn't do anything wrong, but...I just need some space until I can get over it."
The silence that follows is painfully long, as Piper picks apart the sentences and finally says, "Get over it, like..." She huffs out a disbelieving breath. "You like me?"
Alex screws her eyes shut, needing to see even less. "Jesus, Pipes, I'm already embarrassing myself here. Can you maybe not make me spell it out?"
"Sorry," Piper says, her voice spilling out fast. "I just never would have thought...shit, I'm sorry, I only asked because I thought maybe I did something and pissed you off."
"No, it's okay," Alex assures her, swallowing and swallowing against the hurt rising in her throat with the extinguishing of some last bit of hope she didn't know she was still holding onto. "I'm sorry I've been an asshole, it's really...it's not a big deal." Belatedly, the potential consequences of honesty make it to her stomach, twist it into knots. "I don't want to make it weird."
"You didn't, Alex. Really. I just...I missed you," Piper says, soft and warm and too easy to love.
"Sorry."
"If...I won't talk to you about Larry. And I'll never bring him here or anything. Not that it's anything serious, I don't even know if we're gonna keep dating...but if I'm careful about stuff like that...can we be friends again?"
Alex is so stunned that Piper doesn't seem uncomfortable that she blurts out on instinct, "Yeah, of course." Then, quiet, "Sorry I ever made you think we weren't."
"So are we okay?"
"Yeah. I mean, I am."
"Me, too."
"Okay."
They're quiet until it settles into something more familiar, and Piper says, "Goodnight, Alex."
"Goodnight," she answers softly, the word packed with dozens more.
Piper can't sleep.
Because Alex likes her.
Alex likes her.
It barely makes sense. She's been turning over explanations for Alex's behavior obsessively for the last month and a half, and not once did that one occur to her.
She's not sure what she's supposed to do about it.
And she's not sure why she kind of can't stop smiling.