I never wanted you to hurt too much to touch.
And I Drove You Crazy / Banks
Text Message, Sunday, 9:32 am
POLLY
[Hey you awake yet?]
[I didn't see where you ended up last night and don't want to go creeping into every bedroom]
Text Message, Sunday, 10:07 am
POLLY
[You okay?]
PIPER
[Yeah, sorry...I actually left already]
[Would've texted back sooner but I've been driving.]
POLLY
[Wait you left like for good?]
PIPER
[Yeah on my way to Nicky's.]
POLLY
[I don't get it.]
[I thought the whole thing was you staying to ski with me.]
PIPER
[I know, I'm sorry.]
[The house was so crowded]
[I literally slept on the floor.]
[I felt weird being there.]
POLLY
[Seemed like were having a good time last night with Larry.]
PIPER
[We were both pretty drunk.]
[Sorry I gotta go, I'm about to be driving again. Just stopped for gas.]
POLLY
[Fine.]
PIPER
[Sorry about the skiing. Probably too hungover for it anyway.]
POLLY
[K]
Over New Year's, Piper drinks herself wasted every night to forget about what she did last time she drank.
Yet it's easier than she thought it would be, to slip back into normalcy around Alex and the others. She fits so well inside their group and all its warm familiarity - playing board games and sharing joints and watching deliberately shitty movies. Being at the lake house makes that night at the ski cabin, surrounded by near strangers, feel like some hazy dream.
The first day or two after, she does get stuck in a few breathless moments of panic and ends up in the bathroom scouring Facebook and Instagram for photos of the party, making sure she and Larry aren't in the background somewhere.
But soon, the feeds she's checking fill up with chair lift selfies and evidence of subsequent party nights, and Piper breathes a little easier.
On New Year's Eve, she kisses Alex at midnight, to the taste of champagne and resolution. It feels like good timing, this holiday that's all about fresh starts and resolve to improve yourself. She kisses Alex like it's a promise written across a blank calendar, a countdown to being better and braver.
She leaves her mistake back in December, staining mountain snow she hopes has melted by now.
"God, I'm so sick of this," Alex groans out, dropping her forehead against her open text book, nose in the crease. After a moment, she sits up and jumps off her bed, coming over to sit on Piper's desk instead. "Can I cheat off you for our Euro final?"
Piper smiles down at her thick stack of notecards, determined not to be distracted. "I think Clover might notice if we have the same answers on essay questions."
"Oh, c'mon..." From her perch, Alex crosses her legs and shuffles her ass to further obscure Piper's textbook. She pointedly raises her notecards in response, but Alex just barrels on, "We'll figure something out. We can make a trade...I'll let you copy my chemistry test in return."
Piper pauses, frowning, and then lifts her gaze. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Alex feigns confusion. "What's what?"
"Why would I want to copy your chemistry test?"
Alex tilts her head, eyebrows up. "I mean. You know."
Folding her arms, Piper keeps her expression challenging. "I don't, actually. Explain yourself."
Smirking, Alex uncrosses her legs in favor of straddling Piper's desk chair. "I really don't want to rehash a semester's worth of test scores."
Piper scoots her chair backwards, rolling her eyes. "Fuck you."
"We all have our strengths and weaknesses! That's why I'm asking you for help."
"Yeah, but in history. You only don't know it because you never do the reading."
"Which is one of my weaknesses." She manages to hook her heels around the front legs of Piper's chair and pulls her close again.
Piper nearly tips forward, has to stretch her arms across Alex's thighs. She leaves them there, grins up at her. "I feel like you're angling for a study break."
"I was genuinely just angling to cheat off your Euro exam, but a study break would work, too."
Piper lets out a shout of laughter as Alex lands on her lap. She lets her notecards drop and scatter onto the floor when Alex kisses her, and everything is so, so good.
The first week or so after they got back to Litchfield after break, Polly had seemed residually annoyed with her for bailing on the ski trip without ever doing any skiing. She gets over it pretty fast, but Piper still throws herself into finals and uses it as a prolonged excuse to avoid Polly. There are a couple nights where Piper wakes up in the middle and can't get back asleep, kept awake by the peaceful sounds of Alex breathing and her own imagination, spinning scenarios where Polly walks up to her in front of Alex and makes some jokey comment about Larry and what happened in the mountains.
So it feels safer to just stay away from Polly for awhile.
But a month into a fresh semester, Piper starts to feel truly, properly removed from the ugliness that ended last year, and she and Polly are able to have a perfectly pleasant post-class conversation, no longer shadowed by either of the damning kisses Polly's witnessed.
"What are you up to tonight?" Polly asks her as they file out of their last period class, the only one Piper has this semester without any of her usual crowd.
"Nothing really. Alex has an away games on a Friday, for some reason, and no one else has made any plans."
"Wanna go to movie night?"
"Sure," Piper agrees easily. "Do you know what they're showing this week?"
"No. I'll find out. Worst case we can just watch something on Netflix in my room."
"Okay, just text me." Piper definitely owes Polly a proper hang out, so she's grateful for the innocuous plan...and the fact that it won't even interfere with her hanging out with Alex.
When she gets back to their dorm room, Alex is already there, changing from her uniform into her soccer jersey. Piper smiles at her. "Hey, glad I caught you. Wanna wish you luck."
Alex looks at an imaginary watch on her wrist. "Thanks, but I don't think we have time for a proper send-off. Gotta head to the bus in two minutes."
Grinning, Piper catches the sleeve of her jersey and pulls Alex against her.
"Best I could do," she hums out when they finally pull away from a staggering, lengthy kiss.
"Damn impressive."
"I still wish I was coming. This is technically your first start in a regular season game."
"True, but it's Benningdale. They're kinda shitty, doubt I'll even get shot on much. Nicky has limited tolerance for attending any and all sports events, so you're better off saving your rides for better games."
"I could always just borrow her car. She doesn't have to come."
"Good luck with that. You may notice no one else is allowed to drive her precious Beamer. That's why she chauffeurs me to the liquor store instead of just letting me drive on my own." Alex stuffs her orange goalie jersey into her duffle bag and slings it over her shoulder. "Fuck, I need to go. I hate that this is on a Friday. What are you guys up to tonight?"
"I don't know about everyone else...I told Polly I'd go to the Friday movie with her."
"Ugh, have fun. I think it's another gay week in the student councils make movie nights more inclusive crusade...and they've run through of the two decent lesbian movies, so now it's like that dumb Katherine Heigl thing where she and Rory Gilmore act like the first gay people to ever exist."
"Damn. I didn't even known what was playing when I agreed." Piper hopes her unease doesn't show on her face; low quality or not, she doesn't especially want to watch a lesbian film with Polly.
"Try to get out of it," Alex suggests. She kisses Piper one more time, habitual and soft. "Either way, do wait up." She winks.
"Of course. Good luck. Text me score updates."
"Will do. See ya tonight...to award my victory."
"Obviously."
Piper keeps her smile on until Alex closes the door behind her, and then she quickly pulls out her phone and spends a few minutes crafting a casual text to Polly.
PIPER
[Hey, Nicky says tonight is some Katherine Heigl movie that isn't supposed to be very good. Wanna maybe pick an alternative?]
POLLY
[So glad you said that, I was about to text you.]
[Found out Overbrook's showing Ferris Bueller. Wanna go there instead? ]
Piper grimaces down at her phone, trapped now. She absolutely does not want to go to Overbrook, for any reason, but now she's left withouta plausible excuse. Polly obviously knows she's free, and she was the one to complain about movie preference. There's no way to get out of this without raising more questions.
PIPER
[Yeah that's fine.]
[Unless you want to just go with Danny. Seriously that's cool.]
[We could just raincheck and do something else later this weekend]
POLLY
[No way, I haven't even asked Danny if he wants to come.]
[Not trying to make it some big date or anything.]
[Wanna meet to walk over there at like 7:30?]
PIPER
[Sure.]
Danny does come to the movie. Piper knew he would, it's one of his favorites, but she's less prepared for Larry showing up. It's pretty much the nightmare, worse case scenario - like she planned it this way, the four of them on a goddamn double date - but Piper's acutely aware she can't object in front of her brother or Polly.
When they get to the Overbrook auditorium, she tries to hang back in order to orchestrate the seat order, but it seems like Polly and Larry are doing the same thing, and they outnumber her with their identical objective, so she ends up between them.
As soon as they're sitting, though, Polly pivots away from her to drape her legs over Danny's lap. Piper rolls her eyes, annoyed. Larry keeps trying to engage her, as though she hadn't ignored three texts from him in the week after the ski trip. It's harmless conversation about senior traditions at Overbrook, but even just talking to him now feels like she's doing something she shouldn't.
Her phone buzzes, and she keeps it in her purse to check. It's a text from Alex: the Litchfield soccer team is apparently up 2 - 0 at halftime.
It's a relief when the movie starts, so Piper can focus on the screen and pretend she's watching it alone.
Larry waits until the art museum scene, and then he very abruptly drapes an arm across the back of Piper's seat. His arm isn't exactly around her - it's just touching the seat - but then he lets his hand drop onto her left shoulder, index finger absently tracing loops against her shirt.
Piper stiffens at the touch, and she cuts her eyes to the other side to check if Polly's watching. Even entangled in her boyfriend, she catches Piper's eye and grins approvingly.
She goes very, deliberately still, like if she doesn't relax into his touch at all than it isn't really her choice to let this happen. But she's got that same selfish feeling from the party, like this isn't a terrible image for people to have of her - at a movie, a boy's arm around her - even if the only people are Danny and Polly.
But it's not actually cheating...this is less touching than that slow dance. It's fine. She's not even doing anything.
Convincing herself how fine it is takes most of her focus for the rest of the movie, and sometime after Cameron's father's car gets destroyed, Larry whispers, the word warm against her ear, "Hey."
She turns on instinct, and then he's kissing her.
This time, Piper feels and tastes the wrongness right away. There's no liquor to coat it over...or to excuse her behavior, but she lets it happen for a moment, anyway.
But only a moment, and then Piper wrenches away, face burning. "Um..." Her voice is shaky and thin. "There are teachers walking around."
He nods, but apparently takes the fact that she kissed him back as automatic permission for him to hold her hand.
Somehow, that feels more strange than making out with him, his hand like some misshapen, foreign object that doesn't fit right. Piper pulls away after less than a minute, and this time doesn't offer an excuse, staring fixedly at the movie.
She has to end this. For good.
When the movie ends and the lights go up, Polly and Danny conduct some sort of complicated, eyebrows based conversation, and then Polly turns to Piper. "We're gonna go back to the dorm room for a little while, okay?"
Piper clenches her jaw, irritated at what this evening has turned into, and unfairly blaming Polly for all of it. "Dorm curfew's in like an hour."
"I know. Swear I'll meet you in time to walk back."
Danny gives her a fake chuck under the chin - "Good seein' ya, Pooh Bear." - and then he and Polly are gone.
Larry turns to her, rolling his eyes. "So...I guess I'm not allowed in my room." He raises his eyebrows. "You want to, like...go hang out in the dorm rec room or something?"
"Um...can we just take a quick walk?" Then, before she can talk herself out of it, Piper blurts out, "We need to talk, anyway."
"This isn't a good idea. To keep doing this...whole thing."
They're sitting on the steps of Overbrook's main academic building, even though it's dark and cold, but Piper's dead set against going inside a dorm building with Larry, even just to the rec room.
"Okay..." Larry frowns like she's said something absurd. "That's fine, Piper, but I, uh, didn't think we were doing a thing. I meant what I was saying at Ryan's place...graduation's not that far off. Not interested in anything beyond casual."
It's miles and miles from the point, but Piper can't help herself. "Hand holding during a movie doesn't really casual. Just so you know."
His face burning scarlet, Larry sheepishly ducks his head. "Yeah, okay. I'm not really good at just hook ups. Doesn't come naturally, I guess." He rubs the back of his neck, nervous. "Especially since, um...I do still like you."
Piper slumps back against the step, suddenly exhausted. "You don't even know me."
"I know some. Your brother and I have been best friends for four years."
"Danny doesn't even really know me..." She closes her eyes. "Look, casual or serious isn't really the point...what happened, on the ski trip, that was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it, and I can't do anything like that again. Fuck, I shouldn't even be hanging out with you."
"Oh." Larry's face folds into a bewildered sort of hurt. "Okay. That's...pretty clear."
He stands up, and Piper does the same, the whole moment like an exhale of relief, but then he turns to face her again. "Can I ask why? It's just...I never really understood what happened the first time. And it's kind of intense to say it was some huge mistake to make out with me...I mean, it was just a party."
Piper's throat narrows. She's got this feeling, all of a sudden, like she has to tell the truth. As though it's the only way to make what she's done okay, to turn this big, twisted fuck up into something that had to happen for her to finally claim her relationship out loud.
Larry misreads the silence, adding, "If you're worried about leading me on - "
"It's not that." Piper's voice catches, an unmistakable precursor to crying. "It's just, um...it's really complicated, and..."
She can't say it. Her voice is quivering and her eyes are soaked and she still can't say it.
Larry is staring at her. Slowly, hurt and confusion recede from his expression, realization taking over.
"Oh."
There is an entire epiphany balled up in that single syllable.
Because of course if Danny's heard the speculation then Larry has, too. And of course Piper is acting like someone who cheated, not at all like an unattached single girl who only made out with an unattached single guy at a party.
She should say something now, either to deny or confirm, feign confusion, maybe. But all she does is stand on the steps with her arms wrapped protectively around her own stomach, sniffling and trying like hell to blink back an onslaught of tears.
Larry huffs out a disbelieving, laugh-adjacent breath, staring down at the pavement for a second, but by the time he looks up, his expression has softened. "Um. Listen, forget it. If Danny says anything, I'll just tell him we don't wanna start anything when I'm about to graduate. He should honestly take that advice with Polly, anyway. It's...it'll be okay."
Piper just nods.
After an uncomfortably long silence, Larry turns to go. He's down the steps and onto Overbrook's cobblestone walkway before he looks back. "Uh. Do you know Ben Soloway?"
The seemingly randomness of the question catches Piper off guard. "What? No. I don't think so."
"Oh. Well. He's on the basketball team, he's one of Danny's good friends. Mine, too, but that doesn't really...what I'm saying is, a lot of the team kinda gave him shit when he started dating Owen West, but Danny never did. He didn't care." Larry shrugs, awkward. "Just telling you. Night."
When he's out of sight, Piper sits down on the steps again, overwhelming relief and anxiety twining nauseously around her intestines.
Her fingers are trembling when she pulls out her phone, checking it for the first time since the movie started. She's got a series of texts from Alex.
ALEX
[5-0 in the second half]
[Mendoza just took me out to give that freshmen she's training as my eventual replacement a chance.]
[Ah just realized you're probably in the movie now.]
[Watching Katherine Heigl attempt to muster up chemistry with a woman]
[Tragic]
[Whoops now it's 5 -1.]
[I know I should be pissed she blew my shut out, but I kind of like the reminder that I deserve to play full games]
[5-1 final score, heading back now]
[There's a singalong of Party in the USA happening on this bus, save me]
[Back in our room. Would come join you for Heigl time but I don't wanna crash your date with Polly.]
The texts take up the entire screen. Piper presses her thumb to it, evidence of Alex unthinkingly sharing every part of her night, touching base even without answers.
She quickly types out a reply, then stands up and walks off, not interested in waiting for Polly.
PIPER
[Ended up going to Overbrook to see their movie instead.]
[Ferris Bueller, better choice.]
[On my way to you now.]
She takes the shortest, lakeside path from Overbrook's campus to Litchfield. The cold is starting to sting her cheeks, and she doesn't want to think about anything but getting back to Alex, to their room, where she can hide inside their normal.
"Piper! Hey, Piper, wait up!" It's distant enough that Piper doesn't immediately recognize the voice, and she winces before turning, steeling herself for Polly, but it's Janae, jogging easily to catch up to her.
"Oh, hey," she says, relieved, when Janae's within earshot. "What were you doing at Overbrook?"
"Trevor invited me to hang out."
Piper raises her eyebrows. "Trevor Vann? Didn't know that was a thing."
"Yeeeeah, we been texting a lot. He was flirtin' hard at the dance."
"Nice. He's cute."
"Uh-huh."
They start walking again, and after a moment of quiet Janae clears her throat and says, "Listen, there's not a not awkward way to get into this, so I'm just gonna tell you: Trevor and I were at the movie. We were like two rows behind you, and...I wasn't trying to get in your business, but I saw."
A cold block of dread forms in Piper's chest. She keeps walking, but it's happening on autopilot, and for a few seconds all she's doing is waiting for this moment to reverse itself, to just...stop happening.
"Piper?"
"It's not...it's not anything." Panic shoves the words out, the pitch of her voice jumpy and erratic. "J, it really isn't, he kissed me...and I stopped it, and then I talked to him, just now, he knows. Like, about me and Alex, he knows now, which is kind of...scary, because he's my brother's best friend, but I had to tell him I couldn't do anything like that, I swear I told him..."
They've stopped walking now, and Janae shifts awkwardly. "Okay...my thing is, though...he had his arm around you at least half that movie. And when he kissed you - the time I saw, anyway - "
"It was only once - "
" - it just seemed like a guy who already knew it was okay to go for the kiss. Know what I'm sayin?"
Piper takes a breath and it comes out this terrible, crooked noise. She covers her face with her hands, trying to get herself together. "Okay. Okay. Toward the end of last semester, right before Thanksgiving break..." Janae's eyes go wide, like Piper's about to confess she's been carrying on some affair with Larry for that long, and she hurriedly finishes, "Polly saw me and Alex kissing. And I...I played it off, but it freaked me out. She told me that there were all these rumors, people already wondering if me and Alex are together."
"Uh, you didn't know that already?"
"No. And she told me my brother had heard them, and...with them getting back together, it scared me that she was going to tell him what she saw, and they were going to decide it was true..." Piper's voice falters. Her heart is pounding so hard it hurts. She should be back by now, Alex will be wondering where she is.
Janae's just watching her, waiting for more.
In a small voice, she finally finishes, "That night I went to that ski cabin with them, it was this huge party...and I got drunk, just...wasted drunk, and Larry and I made out."
Janae sucks a breath through her teeth. She's bouncing on the balls of her feet, and there's not exactly judgement in her expression yet, but maybe it just can't break through how obviously uncomfortable she is to be having this conversation.
"But that's it. I was drunk, and I only did it because I didn't want my brother to think...it would not be okay if my family found out, and ever since Polly saw us it's like I can't breathe right. I just wanted to not be worried anymore, to stop obsessing over what they think about me. So I did it, and I haven't seen him since until tonight and I didn't even know he was going to be there, even though it looked like a double date it was supposed to just be me and Polly and then he kissed me and I stopped it and then I talked to him and he knows now and you can't tell Alex."
Janae sighs, tipping her head back. She's quiet for a long moment. "Look. It ain't like I'm dying to run to Alex and tell her all that. Not my place. But...c'mon, now. You can't ask me to just...know this secret forever. That's messed up."
"But it's not a big deal!" Piper insists shrilly. "It's done."
"So tell her that."
"I can't fucking tell her any of this! I can't."
"It'll be better coming from you than me."
"So, what, you're just...threatening me now? If I don't tell her, you will?"
Janae grimaces. "Come on, Pipe. Don't say it like that. Don't make this worse than it already is. You're both my friends. I don't wanna go behind your back and narc to your girlfriend. But I don't want to keep this from her, either. It'd feel like lying. So I'm telling you, as your friend...do the right thing here."
Piper's crying now, and she just keeps shaking her head in desperate, staunch denial. Janae sighs again, softening slightly. "Look. You can't know it's over. What's gonna stop Polly from making some comment someday in front of Alex? Or, hell, your brother could...she stays at your house sometimes over break, right? The only way it's really over is you tell her yourself. And maybe it'll be okay."
"It won't," Piper half-sobs. "You know it won't, she'll never...she's gonna hate me."
"I don't know about that. But...she has a right to know."
"Fuck that. Fuck you." Piper is so goddamn scared - that's what this feeling is: visceral, blood draining fear - and it's making her mean. "You have no fucking idea what this is like...I didn't cheat because I thought it'd be fun. You can't understand how shitty it is when the best thing in your life sometimes feels like it's gonna just..." Her voice trembles and snags on spiky, painful truth. "...blow up the rest of it."
Piper wipes her eyes with her sleeve, and Janae just stares at her, solemn and unyielding. Finally, she agrees quietly, "You're right. I can't understand that. And I know you love her." She gives Piper a conciliatory pat on the arm. "But this already sucks. You gotta not make it worse."
They're quiet for a long time. Piper's desperate, hoping for some kind of plea deal, a way to bargain this down.
But Janae just checks the time on her phone, only breaking the silence with normalcy. "It's ten til, we gotta jet to make curfew...wanna walk?"
Tight throated, Piper shakes her head, and Janae nods slightly and then jogs off without her.
Piper stands alone in the quiet cold, stunned. She has to go back to her room, right now, and ruin her own life. She doesn't even have the option to put it off, to take even a few last hours where she and Alex just get to be happy, because she can't stop crying and she has to go straight back to their room for dorm curfew check. Alex is going to see how wrecked she looks, and she'll ask what's wrong, and that'll be it.
Overwhelmed, Piper stumbles over to the nearest tree and leans against it. Her phone buzzes a few times in a row.
ALEX
[Two minutes til curfew...cutting it shockingly close, Chapman.]
[Really, though, you okay?]
[I'm starting to regret making a joke, please respond so I know you didn't get attacked by the lake]
Piper stares at the screen. She needs to answer, but she's paralyzed by the realization that this could be the last nice text Alex sends her.
She can't text back. She can't walk back to the dorm. She feels a little kid sort of scared, like she wants to just sit stubbornly on the ground and curl up in a ball until someone comes to pick her up.
Her phone buzzes again, the long, drawn out vibration of an actual call, Alex's name lighting up on the screen. It take a few moments before reality breaks through the fog surrounding Piper; if she's not back by curfew and Alex hasn't heard from her, she'll tell Fisher when she comes around to do check. And there'll be a search, except Janae will be right there on their hallway, and she'll know where Piper is, and she'll tell Alex...
PIPER
[Sorry almost there.]
"Jesus, Pipes, finally. You texted you were on your way like an hour ago, I was kinda freaked out." Alex's face falls when she gets a good look at Piper. "Hey. What happened, what's wrong?"
Piper ignores her, avoiding her gaze. "Did Fisher come by already?"
"Yeah, a few minutes ago. I told her you've been sick and are probably in the bathroom, so you should go see her pretty fast. But - "
"I'll be back. One sec."
It's over too quickly; Fisher takes one look at Piper and believes the sickness lie, so Piper's left wishing the walk from Fisher's room to her and Alex's would last longer, that she could get stuck in it.
Alex is sitting on Piper's bed waiting for her when she gets back. "You get in trouble?"
"No. She just thinks I'm sick now."
"I can see why that worked, you look kinda terrible. C'mere." Alex's nods her head for Piper to come sit beside her.
Fresh tears are already biting at her eyes when she hoists herself up on the loft bed, and she nearly loses the fight with them when the first thing Alex does is take her hand, a gentleness to the gesture that matches the tone of her next question, "What's wrong? Did something happen with Polly?"
"No," Piper says, the word tight and strained with the effort of not sobbing outright. "It's not her..."
"Then what?"
Piper shakes her head. There isn't enough time: she should have been able to plan, figure out the best way to say this. How to start at least. Alex's thumb is skating back and forth on the edge Piper's finger, and she lowers her eyes to watch it. She thinks for a second of just refusing to let this happen, call Janae's bluff, or maybe just try harder to get her to see Piper's side.
But then she feels a tear hit her cheek and Alex prompts, "Pipes?" and the moment is already too honest, so Piper breathes out the truest thing she can.
"I am so, so, so, so sorry."
She can't bring herself to look at Alex, but she feels her hand go stiff, and a second later she untangles their fingers and pulls away. Her voice isn't gentle anymore. Just really, really quiet. "What did you do, Piper?"
She doesn't really decide to start here. Piper just instinctively knows it's the biggest, worst thing so she just blurts out, "I...at Ryan Bassett's mountain house, that night I was there, I was really...really drunk, Alex, and I made out with Larry."
The confession reverberates around the room like a gunshot. Piper leans back against the wall, and she doesn't look at Alex. It takes a long time before a reply comes, vibrating with controlled fury, "That was over a month ago."
"I know - "
"Have you been seeing him since then?"
"No. God, no, Alex, of course not."
"Bullshit. Bullshit 'of course not'," Alex spats. "Like I should have any idea. Jesus, Piper."
"Alex - "
"Did you fuck him?"
Piper flinches. "No. Alex, no. I didn't...I didn't mean for this to happen. We'd been playing beer pong all night, and I was so drunk...he kissed me, I just didn't stop it right away. But nothing else happened."
"Really? Because you told me you were playing beer pong with Polly."
Piper's stomach coils. "That was...that was just because of the dance, I didn't want you to worry - "
"I fucking should have been worried. Would you fucking look at me?"
Piper does. Alex's eyes are wet and blazing, the rest of her body held tight. There's a muscle pulsing in her jaw. She looks like something about to rupture.
Alex squeezes her eyes shut for a second, breathing sharp through her nose. Slow and measured, she demands, "Explain this to me. Why are we talking about this now? What happened tonight? At his fucking school."
Piper slides off the bed. She can't stand being so close to Alex while she tells her all this. She leans her elbows on the mattress and holds her head in her hands. "I didn't even plan to see him. Polly wanted to go see Ferris Bueller instead of the Katherine Heigl thing and...she invited Danny. I guess he brought Larry, or maybe Polly told him to, I don't know, but I didn't know he was coming. I haven't seen him all semester, I swear, but I guess he thought because of the ski trip...he put his arm around me during the movie, and he tried to kiss me again, but this time I stopped him and after the movie I told him I'm not interested in anything, that kissing him was a mistake, and he figured out why. He won't tell Danny, but he also was telling me about some gay guy at Overbrook Danny's friends with."
When no reply comes, Piper risks a look at Alex again, trying hard, "So see...now there's nothing to worry about. And Larry knowing...that's a big deal." She swallows. "Maybe I needed that to feel better about talking to my brothers."
Alex's face screws up in fury. "Do you hear yourself? Are you seriously trying to sell me on this as a good thing? Like CHEATING is just some required part of your fucking journey?" Her voice cracks clean open, hands literally curling into white knuckled, shaking fists. "God, you are such a manipulative cunt."
The word guts her. It's a blade, shoved rough and deep. Piper physically reels back from the bed, choking on a rising tide of sobs.
"You can't say that doesn't matter," Piper gasps out when her throat has to open enough to breathe. "It's not the same as if I just did it because I like him, or because you're not enough. I was scared."
Alex barely even seems to be listening. She's on the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched, staring hard across the room. "Oh my God, you called me that night. And I knew you sounded weird, but I thought you were just drunk, and cold, and...Jesus. Did you call me after or before?"
Piper slumps back against Alex's bed. Admitting the answer makes her feel small. "After."
"Fuck." The word breaks into pieces, and Alex is finally crying, too. Piper thinks, suddenly, of that soccer game when Alex got a concussion, the most hurt she's been until now. She's never seen Alex cry before; it's worse than watching her bleed.
"Alex, please. Please..."
"Please what?! What are you asking me to do? Act like nothing happened?"
"No, just...just let me explain."
"You explained. It's just not good enough. You came to my house the next day and acted like everything was fine. You spent that whole night lying to me over the phone...why the fuck should I believe you didn't hang up and go back to sleep with him?"
"I would never do that."
Alex pushes herself off the bed and lands right in front of Piper. "I don't know what you would do! I don't even fucking know it won't happen again...you apologized to me for dancing with him and then two weeks later did something monumentally worse."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Piper chants, soft and frantic; she can't think of anything else worth saying, but she's afraid to stop trying it.
Alex teeth are clenched so hard it must hurt. She presses her fists to her eyes for a moment, and when she speaks her voice is quiet again. "Why did you even tell me now? It sure as hell wasn't a guilty conscience."
Piper sits down at her desk chair, overwhelmed that there's still more to admit. It takes a second to catch her breath. Her head hurts and her throat is aching; it feels like she's been crying for hours. "Janae was at the movie. She saw us."
Alex lets out a bark of unhinged laughter. "Wow. So you got caught. That's the actual story here, right? Otherwise you were never going to say anything. And you could have kept doing whatever you needed to with Larry Bloom, as long as Polly or Danny were around to see it -"
"That's not true," Piper says weakly. "I told Larry nothing else could happen before I had any idea Janae saw me."
Alex looks her dead in the eye. "Give me a single reason why I should believe you."
Her voice is cold, and hard, and it makes her feel unfamiliar. It makes Piper want to reach out to touch her, find a spot on Alex's skin that she knows.
"I love you," she answers finally. "You know I'm not lying about that."
"Yeah, I do." Alex sounds hollow, now, even out of anger. "But it doesn't really seem to make any difference to how you act."
"I wasn't trying to hurt you."
"Must just come naturally." Alex runs a hand through her hair, and for a brief, flashing light of a moment Piper thinks they're through the worst of it, but then Alex gaps out out a low, smothered sob and mutters underneath it, "We're done here."
"Wait...wait...we're done talking or we're done, like...we're over. Alex? What do you mean by done?"
"I mean you don't have to worry about what anyone thinks anymore, Pipes," Alex's back is to her, she's stuffing something in her socer bag, and it sounds like she's crying." You're free to let the whole fucking school see you with Larry now. Make if Facebook official if you want. Nothing stopping you."
Piper's voice is a landslide, collapsing, and she grabs Alex's arm when she tries to push past her. "Alex. Alex, please, let's maybe take a day before we make any decision."
Alex whips around to look her, rage and hurt swarming her expression, her next words both a weapon and a wound. "This isn't me making a decision, Piper. I physically cannot stand to look at you right now."
Alex is in the hallway with the door closed behind her before it occurs to her that there's nowhere to go. The basement is probably still full of girls, spending the gap between dorm curfew and light's out, which is about ten minutes away and thus rendering a covert escape to the woods useless - the building's silent alarm will be activated soon. She sure as hell isn't going to go running to Nicky and Janae's room...facing them is impossible right now. She doesn't want to hear the non-sugarcoated truth about whatever Janae saw, and she doesn't want to hear Nicky rail on Piper as another teasing straight girl.
She goes to the hall bathroom. It's crowded, several of the showers running and a line of pajama clad girls at the mirror removing their makeup. Alex keeps her head down and shuts herself into the end stall.
She really needs to cry, or maybe scream; she needs to do something until she blacks out from agony, but she can hear the chatter of conversation at the sink, reminding her there's an audience.
It makes her nauseous, rewriting that night in her memory. Piper texting her the whole party about beer pong games like she wasn't playing with the guy she'd be kissing later. Piper on the phone, sounding miserable...Alex thought it was just drunkenness and the company of those idiots.
Jesus, she'd offered to come pick her up. She'd gone to bed worried.
Eventually the showers cut off and the voices are replaced by footsteps. Alex looks at her phone; past light's out, and the bathroom is empty, but it feels like she's past the point of tears. She's just exhausted, and there's nowhere for her to go.
Because her room is actually their room, and she meant what she said; she can't stand looking at Piper right now.
Alex is afraid it will make her forgive her.
Piper sits on her bed with her knees to her chest, staring at the door and waiting for Alex to come back. She's wracking her brain for some explanation or apology that didn't occur to her in the moment, some magic promise she can make.
An hour after light's out, she has to accept the fact that Alex isn't coming back. She's probably sleeping on Janae and Nicky's floor.
A fleeting thought about her friends, and what it will mean for her place in the group, skims through Piper's head but doesn't catch. She can't think past Alex right now.
Piper turns off the light in case Fisher does a walkthrough and looks under doors, but she doesn't change out of her clothes, just sits on top of her comforter and tries to write a text to Alex.
She deletes and retypes a dozen times before she finally settles for the unedited, graceless honesty that comes in the middle of the night like uninhibited tears.
Text message, Saturday, 2:21 am
PIPER
[I'm sorry. I love you. I'll hate myself if I lose this. I hate myself anyway. All I've wanted for the past month is to take back what I did. I didn't want to lie, I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen, that it didn't count for some reason. Nothing but you counts for me. Please come back. Just talk to me. I don't even know how to be here without you.]
It's 5:50 in the morning when Alex finally goes back to her room, moving quietly to avoid waking Piper, but she's barely closed the door behind her when she hears, "Alex?"
She doesn't answer, even when Piper's desk lamp turns on. She's still in her clothes, looking rumpled and wrecked, but Alex doesn't let her eyes settle. She grabs her shower caddy and a change of clothes.
"Where'd you sleep?"
"Not your problem," Alex mutters.
"Can we just...talk or something?"
"I think we're done talking."
"Did you see my text?"
"Deleted it."
There's a silence, and then Piper lets slip a quiet keening sound. Alex grabs her headphones off the desk and sticks the earbuds in even before she plugs the other end into her phone.
A few minutes later, she turns the shower water so hot it turns her face red when the spray hits, and for the first time since last night she starts crying, in the worst way: painful and silent, her vocal chords stretching and straining for noise where there isn't any left.
Group Text, Saturday, 9:44 am
NICKY
[AHEM Vause, Chapman, are you having some marathon session of morning sex that's keeping you from breakfast or what]
[There's only three of us at a table we look like losers]
[Did you ELOPE maybe?]
POUSSEY
[Uhhh if they ever elope we better be invited]
NICKY
[True we definitely have had to put up with a lot. We deserve a trip to Vegas for our trouble.]
Text Message, Saturday 9:56 am
ALEX
[Can you tell the others what's going on? I can't take Nicky's shit right now.]
JANAE
[Yeah if thats you want. I'll give em the short version.]
[You ok?]
ALEX
[No.]
Text Message, Saturday, 10:24 am
NICKY
[What the fuck Chapman. Really?]
Text Message, Saturday 10:25 am
NICKY
[Where are you? Need to come escape to our room for the weekend? We'll harbor you, WWII style.]
[Or I could go give Chapman a reality check if you'd rather.]
ALEX
[Don't say anything to her.]
NICKY
[Seriously where are you?]
[Come on, sounds like you need to get very drunk right now.]
[You know we got your back on this.]
[Vause?]
Text Message, Saturday, 10:41 am
POLLY
[Hey, sorry to ditch you last night. I barely made curfew haha. Everything cool with you and Larry?]
Text Message, Saturday, 11:08 am
NICKY
[Where the fuck is Alex?]
PIPER
[I don't know, she's been gone for hours.]
[I thought she was with you.]
Text Message, Saturday, 11:11 am
PIPER
[You can come back to the room. I'll clear out for awhile.]
[Like as long as you need.]
[And then maybe we can talk?]
[But we don't have to, you can just have the room.]
[I hate this so much Alex.]
[Just tell me where you are.]
Her friends find her in the woods sometime after lunch, their usual smoking spot.
Janae and Poussey approach carefully, sympathetic expressions on their faces, but Nicky strides right up and sits down on the tree trunk beside Alex, scrutinizing her with a frown.
"Jesus, Vause, we've been looking for you for hours. You know it's still technically winter? The fuck?"
"It was worse this morning when my hair was still wet," Alex mutters, her voice edgeless and slow the way it gets when she's stoned.
"Shit. You are baked," Nicky observes.
"This is where I live now," Alex informs them lazily, closing her eyes and tapping pointedly at her earbuds. "You can only stay if you don't talk to me."
Poussey settles into one of the old lawn chairs. "You got anything to get us on your level?"
"Nope. All gone."
They follow the no talking rule - or, at least, no talking that she can hear - for three songs. Deep down, if she were to ask herself, Alex probably wants them to go away. But she's high enough to not consider the question. At this moment, with her headphones on and head tipped back, her friends are as inconsequential as the rusting patio furniture.
But then Nicky reaches over and rudely plucks her earbuds out. "Okay, Vause, enough of your sad music wallow. Let's go inside."
"You can," she replies blandly.
"Come to our room, alright? No Chapmans allowed."
Before she can refuse, Janae asks tentatively, "So...did y'all break up?"
"Of course they broke up," Nicky scoffs.
Poussey rolls her eyes. "Were you there?"
Alex puts her headphones back in, starts her music. She knows now she wants them to leave, but can't come up with the words to demand it. She's been here since practically sunrise, smoking weed like it's anesthesia. She knows it will hurt later, that there is still lurking pain she'll have to feel, but it's like how surgeons always put patients under for the worst of it. You shouldn't have to feel yourself being cut into and gutted. It doesn't mean you won't wake up sore.
Her eyes hurt. The inside of her mouth is stale and dry.
She tunes out her friends for another few songs. Then:
"Vause. Hey. Alex."
She looks bleariily at Nicky.
"We're going in, it's cold. Come with."
"Nah."
They exchange looks. Shrug shoulders. Mutter.
"Fine. But text us if you need anything, okay?"
"Phone's dead," Alex replies, but not loud enough for them to actually hear her.
Piper's never been so acutely aware of time passing.
She stays in the room the entirety of Saturday, waiting for Alex to come back. It doesn't really feel like a choice; she can't move forward from here, so Piper puts herself on pause until Alex comes back and gives her some clue on how to fix it.
Her stomach starts to squeeze and roll in queasy protest around two o'clock, so Piper forces down a lunch of goldfish crackers and Coke Zero, but mostly she just lies on her bed and watches the minutes slowly slowly rise on her phone's lock screen.
She doesn't know where Alex is, and it's strange and wrong that she can't just text her and ask. As it is, she starts to so many times, but the stinging memory of Alex saying she deleted her late night text stops her from sending anything.
Sleep never really took hold last night, and by the time the sunlight starts to fade in the room, exhaustion has pried open some gate in Piper's head and flooded the room with memories.
The first time she fell asleep in Alex's bed, drunk on bubbly pink wine and a thunderstorm soundtrack. The two of them in her own bed, the laptop sitting on the dresser and playing Netflix, drifting off in the crook of Alex's arm to the sound of the Friends laugh track and the low vibration of Alex's laughter. Alex reading Catcher in the Rye out loud for English Lit, her old white copy all smudged with fingerprints, the first time Piper had ever kind of liked that book.
What the fuck is wrong with her?
What the fuck?
What if she has to give up all that, the remarkable happiness she and Alex have always managed to carve out of the ordinary. How could she have ever thought anything was a worthy risk?
Eyes damp, Piper turns her face into her pillow in case one of the screams slashing up the inside of her chest rips free. She only ever smells Alex on either of theirs beds. She wonders if Alex only smells her.
Alex finally comes back two minutes before Saturday night dorm curfew, and the sight of her briefly shocks Piper's pulse back to life.
"Hey!" She hops down from the bed. "I was worried."
Alex doesn't answer. She's pink cheeked and shivering, even in her coat and beanie, and her eyes are cloudy and unfocused.
They go outside in the hallway, standing on either edge of the door frame to wait for Fisher to come by and do check. Alex doesn't glance over at all, but it doesn't seem like she's forcibly ignoring Piper so much as not even registering her presence.
When Fisher gets to their room, she gives Piper a sympathetic look. "Feeling better today?"
"No," Piper says honestly without thinking.
"Do you need to see the nurse?"
Piper shakes her head, sneaking a look at Alex. She's staring straight ahead with a vacant expression.
When Fisher moves on, though, Alex follows her back into the room, and Piper's momentarily encouraged.
Alex goes to her side of the room and wordlessly starts changing clothes. Piper leans back against the door like maybe she can trap her there. "Al?"
"I'm not here to talk to you. I'm here because my stuff is in the same place as your stuff. That's what we are now."
The bland finality of the statement demolishes any hope Piper was holding. Something wilts inside her chest and she can feel her face crumpling; she has to bite the inside of her lip to keep from crying again.
She's silent until Alex is in front of her, wearing pajama pants and a tank top and an unzipped hoodie, but she's carrying her messenger bag. Her eyes are too red for it to just be weed.
"Move."
"Where are you going?" She sounds so young, a little kid about to be left alone somewhere unfamiliar.
Alex's eyes thaw for an instant, just long enough for them to look like living things again, but then she grabs Piper's shoulder and pulls her roughly out of the way, like she'd do anything to leave.
Text Message, 1:13 am
PIPER
[Is Alex staying in your room?]
JANAE
[No...]
[Haven't seen her since this afternoon.]
[She's not here at all?]
PIPER
[She came back for check but not for lights out.]
JANAE
[Oh. I don't know then. Sorry.]
[How are you doing?]
PIPER
[Shitty but thanks so much for asking.]
Text Message, 1:16 am
PIPER
[Hey is Alex staying in your room?]
POUSSEY
[Nope.]
PIPER
[Seriously?]
[I'm not trying to come after her or anything I just wanna know she's got somewhere to sleep.]
POUSSEY
[I haven't seen her. Promise.]
[You try J and Nicky?]
PIPER
[Yeah.]
POUSSEY
[She was there for check though right?]
PIPER
[Yeah.]
POUSSEY
[Well, she's gotta be in the building then.]
[Maybe just waiting for you to fall asleep.]
[I'm sure she's fine.]
PIPER
[K. Sorry to bother you.]
At 1:45, Piper's eyes are burning and her muscles feel heavy with exhaustion, but she can't get the knot of fear out of her throat and she can't fall asleep while it's there.
Piper leaves their room with her key tucked in the waistband of her pajama shorts. She doesn't even remember to put on her shower shoes, walks barefoot down the hallway and onto the disgusting floor of the hall bathroom. It's dead quiet, but she checks behind every stall door and shower curtain just in case.
Then she takes the stairwell down to the basement and immediately feels dumb for not coming here first. Alex is asleep on one of the couches, her hoodie spread over her like a blanket, tiny sofa cushion as a poor pillow, her glasses off but socks still on.
The sight of her here unravels some final stitching in Piper's chest, severing a few lone heartstrings she wouldn't have thought were still holding together.
Alex stirs awake to Piper's hand shaking her shoulder, Piper's voice saying her name, so thick with tears it needs to be wrung out.
"Alex? Alex."
"What?" She's not awake enough to sound mean yet.
"You don't have to sleep down here. You really don't, just...just come back up to the room. Please? You can..." Piper's voice twists and she sniffles. Her eyes are shimmering; Alex thinks maybe it's only safe to look at her like this, nearly in the dark.
"God, would you go away?"
"I'll...I'll sleep down here, I should be the one to."
"I don't care where I sleep, just get away from me." The words are a scrape across her own throat, but at least they come out sounding rough.
She's staying right where she is, and good fucking riddance if Piper thinks that means she'd rather sleep on a couch than be anywhere near her. Not that the idea of sleeping in her bed alone, but still close enough to hear Piper's breathing, is pretty much unbearable.
Alex squeezes her eyes shut, trying to will Piper away like she's some sort of reverse nightmare, escapable only in sleep.
But she's still there, kneeling on the carpet next to the couch, on her goddamn knees like a beggar. She's sobbing like she wants Alex to hear it, and really, that is some kind of bullshit...
"Stop it!" The words wrench themselves from Alex's chest, skin ripped off a scab. She bolts upright with the force of them, and she has grip the couch cushions with both hands to keep herself from shoving Piper away. "Stop fucking crying like I'm the one hurting you."
She sees Piper make a visible, failing effort to contort her face into something unshattered. She swipes at her cheeks and chokes out, "I'm sorry. I don't want this, I don't want this to be over."
Alex looks away. "Be careful," she clenches out, all bitterness and scorn. "We're not safe in the room, someone could hear us, you wouldn't want that." She can't help it, wanting to hurt her, even if she can't bring herself to watch the punch land.
"I'll tell," Piper says suddenly, too loud and insistent. "I'll tell everyone, Polly, Danny, I don't care, if that's what you want - "
"Fuck you, Pipes," Alex hurls back. "Fuck you, you don't get to say that shit. Don't act like this was ever about you keeping it a secret, like that's what I needed from you. I'm not that person. And you don't get to turn this into anything but you fucking it all up."
Piper sits flat on the carpet, like her legs can no longer support her. "Okay," she whispers, like a chastened child: small and defeated.
Her throat thickening with tears, all the fight abandons her and Alex pleads softly, "Please just leave."
It's come to begging, now. Alex is so tired, and she can feel the weakness at the center of her own heart, wanting Piper so much it will break if it doesn't get to her. It is a few aching beats away from giving in, from forgiveness...but that isn't smart, or fair.
Mercifully, Piper nods and staggers unsteadily to her feet. Alex looks away, curls back onto the couch and tries to sleep on top of the crack in her chest.
Sunday, Piper sleeps until almost noon. When she wakes up, the pajama bottoms Alex was wearing last night are crumpled on the floor next to her laundry hamper, so Piper knows she's already come and gone. She tries to tell herself that's for the best.
It's later than she usually sleeps on weekends, but still the day stretches dauntingly in front of her. She's never been at Litchfield without Alex, not even before they were together.
It's not like Piper has a lot of experience with this, but she knows one thing: when you break up with your girlfriend, you're supposed to get to run and cry to your best friend.
But Alex is both.
Piper feels disgusting and unwell; she needs to leave the room today, try to resemble a normal person who eats and showers.
To do that, she needs to make plans with someone who will force her to pretend to be okay.
Text Message, Sunday, 12:49 pm
PIPER
[You up to anything today?]
CAL
[Not really why?]
PIPER
[Wanna hang out?]
CAL
[Why?]
PIPER
[Um because you live a ten minute walk away and I never see you.]
CAL
[And?]
PIPER
[And I was thinking we should remedy that.]
CAL
[Did Dad ask you to spy on me or something?]
PIPER
[No.]
[Jesus. It's not like I asked to come look at your homework or anything.]
CAL
[Fine, just had to check.]
[What do you want to do?]
PIPER
[I don't know. I could come over there and hang out.]
[Or we could see if Danny will let me take his car, go see a movie or something.]
CAL
[Are you on crack? Danny's not letting you drive his precious car.]
PIPER
[Fine, then I'll just come to you.]
CAL
[I guess you could play Settlers of Catan with me and the guys]
PIPER
[I don't know how.]
CAL
[It's not hard to learn.]
[You'd probably prefer that to us playing D&D]
PIPER
[Yeah I would.]
[I may stop by the bakery and get a sandwich to go on my way, you want anything?]
CAL
[Oh you mean like you're coming now?]
PIPER
[If that's okay.]
CAL
[Yeah thats cool.]
[Get me a steak and white cheddar panini]
[Please and thanks.]
"Hey, books closed, nerd, we're taking you to a movie."
Nicky dangles her car keys in front of Alex's face while Poussey and Janae lean on the opposite side of the library table, trying to look enticing.
"I don't want to go to the movies."
"Sure you do." Poussey lowers her voice. "We're bringing flasks and spiking our sodas. Le's go."
"Alternate plan is Facts of Life marathon," Nicky adds.
"Either way it's drinkin' and watching something shitty."
Poussey and Nicky both whip around to look at Janae, mock offended.
"Did you just besmirch the sacred name of FoL?"
"Take that sacrilege back, child!"
Alex nearly smiles, but it fades immediately as she realizes that this is the group now. No Piper to make eye contact with every time she wants to share a laugh or an eyeroll.
"Thanks, you guys, but I'm not in the mood."
Poussey sighs. "Al, you can't hoard up in the library or the woods all day every day."
"But since you can't even wallow in your own room," Nicky adds. "Let us take your mind off it. It's ridiculous you haven't gotten drunk yet anyway."
"I'm smoking a lot of weed."
"We noticed."
"Cross buzz won't hurt."
Alex sighs. "Fine. But. I don't want to talk about it. Blanket rule, don't mention her."
"Agreed."
"Got it."
"Yes. That's the spirit. Points for enthusiasm." Nicky raises an eyebrow. "So, pick your poison: Facts of Life home viewing or movie theater?"
"Movies," Alex says firmly. "I need to get away from here for awhile." And she needs to not spend an entire Facts of Life drinking game instinctively turning toward Piper, having to remember over and over again that's she not there.
"Sweet." She pats her backpack. "We already packed supplies."
Piper's been back from Overbrook for a couple hours, doing homework in their room when dorm curfew brings in Alex's brief appearance. Her heart clenches like a fist, but she doesn't say hi or desperately request a conversation.
But when they're standing outside their door, waiting for Fisher, Piper can't stop fidgeting inside the wrongness that she doesn't know what Alex did all day.
"I played Settlers of Catan with a bunch of freshmen boys this afternoon," Pipers ventures conversationally, raw hope carrying the words. "Lot of erection jokes."
She pauses. No response.
"Because wood is one of the resources you trade for. And Cal and his roommate have a predictably mature wit."
Piper checks Alex for a reaction. She's staring at the floor.
When they've been confirmed present, Alex goes to shower. She comes back with her hair wet and her pajamas already on, and Piper tries not to stare when she packs her messenger bag for the next day, something she usually does in the morning. She leaves it on her desk chair, then grabs her phone and heads for the door.
"You really don't have to - "
"Yeah, I do." Alex closes the door hard, a firm punctuation.
Text Message, 11:02 pm
PIPER
[I was gonna say...you can sleep here, I promise I won't try to talk.]
Piper is glad for a weekday, the forced return to a structure and routine that will force her out of a room that feels too big and empty.
But she hasn't really been clearheaded enough yet to truly consider how different everything will be. She and Alex were the thread that knit her whole life at Litchfield together, and now it's all coming unspooled.
That's how she ends up holding a tray with her breakfast, standing in the dining hall with nowhere to sit. She's never had this moment before, not even when she was a new kid; day one, Alex was already beside her.
She's got a gut feeling that there's no point in even trying to sit at her usual seat with her friends. Alex can't even be in the same room with her at night, she isn't going to sit across a table from her and pretend that just friends is something they can ever pull off.
Drifting inconspicuously to the side of the room, Piper spots Polly out of the corner of her eye, heading to her table with Jessica Wedge and the others. She could sit there.
But what would people think?
She's ashamed of the thought as soon as she has it, but it's stuck in her head now, anyway, an annoying jingle. People don't break up with friends like this, so quick and clean. Friends gradually grow apart.
How is she supposed to explain this?
Piper's face is burning. She wants to go home. And for the first time in nearly two years that word seems to mean home home, Mom-and-Dad-and-childhood-photos home. Boarding school doesn't work for her like this. It doesn't work without Alex.
She sets her tray down on a counter by the drink station, grabs the apple off it, and heads to first period half an hour early.
Alex doesn't mean to, but she looks up at the wrong moment and sees Piper standing in the front of the dining hall, seemingly paralyzed by the realization that she doesn't have a place to go.
It makes her chest constrict. She can't manage to get angry enough to enjoy this, to think Piper truly deserves to lose all her friends on top of everything else.
No. Not all her friends. She still has Polly. And if what Polly thought was worth Piper going behind Alex's back with Larry fucking Bloom, then she'll just have to be enough.
Still, Alex keeps her eyes on Piper until she leaves the dining hall, leaving most of her food behind. When she turns her head, the others have obviously been watching, too. Nicky's expression is impassive, but Janae and Poussey both look conflicted, at least a few shades of guilt.
They follow the rules, though, not bringing up Piper or even acknowledging the break up by asking Alex too pointedly if she's alright.
Class is the worst. She spends all of Monday morning toeing the edge of tears anyway, but classes with Piper feel like she's dangling her legs over and leaning into the wind. They share more than half of their class periods, and sometimes the seats they chose the first day of class became mandatory, so she spends history in the desk beside Piper's. Alex never looks at her, but she can feel her there, like heat radiating off a fire. It's excruciating.
Alex's free period is before lunch, and she spends it smoking in the woods again. She's got two more classes with Piper in the afternoon, and no fucking way she's going to endure them sober.
Text Message, Monday, 3:21 pm
POLLY
[Hey girl.]
PIPER
[Hey what's up]
POLLY
[Not much. Fucking Monday, you know.]
[Everything okay with you?]
PIPER
[Why do you ask?]
POLLY
[Didn't see you at breakfast or lunch]
[And you and Alex didn't sit together in Rogers class.]
PIPER
[Oh yeah. There's kind of some drama in the group.]
POLLY
[But with you and Alex?]
[I didn't think you ever fight.]
PIPER
[It's a long story.]
[I don't wanna get into it, it kind of involves some of her personal stuff.]
[But it's better if I take some space for awhile.]
POLLY
[Oooooh. I think I gotcha. Say no more.]
[You know you can sit with us at dinner.]
PIPER
[Thanks. Maybe.]
[I just don't want Jessica to talk more shit.]
POLLY
[I'll tell them to be cool.]
"Well. Who didn't see that coming? Didn't take long." Nicky nods across the cafeteria at the Jessica Wedge table, where Piper is sitting down beside Polly. Alex grits her teeth, looks away.
"I wonder what she told 'em?" Janae murmurs, prompting a pointed throat clearing from Poussey, presumably a reminder of Alex's ongoing rule. Janae sighs. "I'm sorry, but c'mon, is nobody curious? How's this look like anything but a break-up?"
"Bet I know," Alex mumbles, surprising all of them. She hasn't said much all day. Three pairs of expectant eyes turn toward her. "She's probably saying I have feelings for her and can't handle just being friends anymore."
"Christ." Nicky rolls her eyes.
Janae looks uncertain. "Really think she'd even admit that?"
"It's the only thing that makes sense. And it fits...Harper saw us kiss last semester. She probably had to put that all on me, too."
None of the others seem surprised at that anecdote; Janae must have included it when she told them what happened. Which means Piper told Janae, probably as an excuse. Whatever.
Alex closes her eyes. She doesn't feel like eating. She hasn't showered since Saturday, but she had soccer practice this afternoon, so she'll have to tonight. She'd sucked at practice, still a little stoned from earlier, the weed turning her sluggish in the goalie box. Coach Mendoza had been watching her, confused and a little disappointed, but it's hard to care.
There's this voice that's always sighing in the back of her head, a broken record: What's the point?
Why shower; no one's looking at you, anyway. Who cares if you win a pointless game; there's no one waiting for you to text the score, no one who's going to congratulate you. Why eat; it's not going to make you happy.
Alex still has enough vague awareness to know this is a dangerous way of thinking - she takes a bite of grilled chicken just to defy it - but it's only been three days and she hasn't figured this out yet. She'd even been short with her mom in texts all weekend because there's no way to tell her what happened yet without worrying her. If she sends it as a text - actually Piper and I broke up so my weekend was only okay - her mom will drop everything and call. She'll hear the fractures in Alex's voice before she finds a way to hide them.
It's hard to sleep alone in their room.
Being around Polly and her friends during the day forces Piper to find some semblance of okay, but at night it's just her and the jagged edges of Alex's absence, cutting her with every movement.
She can't stand Alex sleeping on a basement couch. She can't stand knowing Alex hates her that much.
Text Message, Thursday, 4:11 pm
POUSSEY
[Hey, what you up to right now?]
PIPER
[Nothing.]
[Is everything okay?]
POUSSEY
[Yeah, just wondering if you wanna grab a coffee or something.]
PIPER
[Yes, definitely.]
[Now?]
POUSSEY
[You in your room?]
PIPER
[Yeah]
POUSSEY
[K I'll come get you in a sec.]
Piper already knew Alex has an away game on Thursday, and when Poussey texts her, she figures out pretty quickly that Janae and Nicky are traveling with the track team, as well.
She has to change clothes quickly; since she got back from class, she's just been listlessly sitting on her bed, still in her uniform. She's hurriedly pulling a sweater over her head when Poussey knocks on her door.
Piper throws it open and smiles. She is stupidly glad to see her. "Hey."
Poussey grins back fondly. "Yo, girl. Missed you this week."
"Yeah?"
"Mmmm-hmmm." Piper had kind of thought they all must hate her now, or at least think terribly of her, but there's only warmth in Poussey's expression when she tilts her head and asks, "How you doin'?"
The unexpected kindness and painfully sincere concern wallops her. "I'm, um." Piper's voice wavers and then collapses, tears arriving that fast. "God, I'm sorry..."
Poussey's eyes widen. "Whoa, okay, maybe we'll skip the coffee. C'mon..." She touches Piper's arm and guides her inside her own room.
They sit side by side on Piper's bed, and Poussey just lets her cry for awhile. It's comforting to be upset next to someone, like her friend's mere presence acts as permission to lose it, an acknowledgement that yes, you're allowed to be sad. Sometimes, Piper worries she doesn't have the right.
As it is, when she can talk again, the first thing she says is, "I'm really sorry. I know I'm awful, I shouldn't be acting like this..."
"It's okay." Poussey leans her shoulder against Piper's and pats her knee. "I don't think you're awful."
"You should," she chokes out miserably. "Maybe Alex didn't tell you everything."
"Alex didn't tell us at all. She told Janae to. So we know what you told her, I guess."
Piper blinks out more tears. "I ruined everything. And Alex, God. She hates me, she won't even sleep here. She's sleeping on the basement couch..." The whole mess of feelings is spilling out of her now, like they've been floating in her chest just waiting for release. "I've never seen her face like that, I can't believe I did that to her. I don't know what to do without her, I keep thinking, I'll just explain, if I just explain it all, but Alex is right, I already explained, it just wasn't good enough. I'm fucked up and a coward and that's the only explanation I have."
Poussey's quiet for awhile, then says in a low voice, "It musta freaked you out, though. When Polly saw you guys together. Especially with her dating your brother, shit. Makes me glad I don't have any siblings around here to see me and Brook together."
Piper looks over at her, surprised. "You and Brook are together?"
She arches an eyebrow. "You didn't figure that out?"
"Well. Kinda. But it's different when you tell us."
"Fair enough." Poussey smiles a little. "It's not that serious yet...not like you and Alex, you know. We've just been hanging out a lot since volleyball."
"Nice...do the others know?"
"Janae does."
"Oh." Piper hesitates, then asks, "Sorry if this is weird, but...why just her? When she's the only one who's straight?"
"That's kinda it, actually. Nicky and Alex, from the beginning of school...they're so sure, ya know? To hear Nicky tell it freshmen year, she'd spent seven minutes in heaven with every girl at her middle school. And Alex had kissed a few straight girls. Even you...anyone could see how you felt about Alex, even before anything happened."
Piper's heart contracts at that statement, and she fights herself to keep from diving into memories that used to be good.
"I'd never kissed a girl," Poussey continues. "Or even had feelings for anyone that I was sure were those kinda feelings. Ya know?" Piper nods. "I didn't know if I was allowed to not be sure and still talk about it. Like they'd ask me to prove it or somethin' stupid."
She smiles, a little self-conscious, then shakes her head slightly. "Anyway. Just know...I get it. My parents...I haven't figured out how I'm gonna tell them yet. They love me, they're not gonna like...kick me out of the family, or anything. They'd never even stop talking to me. But they're old school, ya know? Like military old school...even if they eventually tell me it's all okay, I don't think it's what they want."
It takes Piper a second to find her voice. Quiet, she admits, "I...I'm not sure my parents won't stop talking to me." She wipes her eyes with her sleeves. "My brothers won't, though. And even if they would...I didn't have to kiss him. I didn't have to hurt Alex."
"Nah, you didn't," Poussey agrees, almost gently.
She's afraid she might cry again, so Piper forces out a trembling smile. "Kinda funny Janae turned out to be the only straight one out of all of us. A heterosexual minority."
Poussey snorts. "Not like that's a coincidence."
"What do you mean?"
"When Jessica spread all that shit about Alex, it was a big fucking deal. Everyone heard, like, immediately. Pretty sure that's what put her on Nicky's radar, and Janae was her roommate so she got dragged along to make friends. And I thought maybe being around them would help me figure my shit out." She smirks, then, swatting Piper playfully on the arm. "Guess your bi ass getting roomed with Alex was the only real coincidence in the group formation."
Piper doesn't smile. "And now she's sleeping in the basement and I'm eating lunch with Jessica Wedge."
"Yeah...that's sort of an insult added to injury, don't ya think?"
"I don't know what else to do. Polly's the only other friend I have here."
"I know. But it ain't like we're all just done with you, ya know? I mean, Nicky's definitely taking sides, but I'm obviously not ignoring you. Neither is J - "
"I don't really wanna talk to her."
"Hey." Poussey gives her a look. "You can't be pissed at her, she didn't do shit. She's not happy she got involved in any of this."
"I'm not mad," Piper mumbles, her face tightening. "It's just humiliating...she saw me letting him act like my fucking boyfriend."
Poussey pauses. "Is it true he knows now, though? Larry, I mean."
"Yeah. Because he guessed. I couldn't even tell him."
"You worried? He rooms with your brother, right?"
"He does, but I don't know. He seemed to get I didn't want Danny to know. Honestly, I barely care now. Which, I know, is fucking ironic."
They're quiet again for a moment, and then Poussey claps her hands, buisnesslike. "Okay, here's the plan. We're gonna go and get food. Then we're gonna come back here and watch a movie. Easy and friend-like, aight?"
Piper shoots her a small, grateful. "Yeah, okay. Thanks."
Poussey hops down off the bed, but Piper stays where she is. "Problem?"
"Just...how is she?"
Poussey's face folds into sympathy again. "I don't know if I should be talking about it with you, ya know? But...c'mon, Pipe, you've seen her in class."
"Yeah, I know." Piper says. Her voice is brittle, and she looks over at Alex's empty side of the room. "I keep wanting to check on her, but I'm not even allowed to ask."
"C'mon," Poussey says softly. "Let's grab dinner, okay?"
Alex stops outside the hallway of their dorm room, searching herself for resolve like she always does before going in. She's been treating it like a way station for the past week, or maybe just a storage unit: she changes clothes and drops off books, only lingering for the few minutes she has to for curfew check.
She's got about half an hour until then, but she's just spent forty minutes on a bus with her sweaty, demoralized teammates, and she wants a shower. Really, she wants her bed, and has worked herself into bitter resentment over the fact that she can't sleep in it without having to endure Piper's presence.
Turning up the volume of her music a few notches, she stalks angrily into the room, eyes already aimed away from Piper's side.
But it's unexpectedly dark, and for a few seconds she thinks it must be empty, but then Alex turns her head to see Poussey sitting with Piper on her bed, both of them eating from a bag of chips and watching something on Piper's laptop.
"Oh, hey." Poussey grimaces a little, not exactly guilty but definitely awkward, glancing back and forth between Piper and Alex.
Alex tugs out one of her earbuds. She makes eye contact with Poussey, making it clear she's just speaking to her. "Hey."
"How was the game?"
"Lost two to one," she says flatly, dropping her soccer bag onto her bed.
"Sorry. That sucks."
"I guess." Alex grabs the towel and shower caddy off her desk, already heading out of the room again, muttering, "Gonna shower."
She walks down the hall, not sure why she feels so sick. It's not that she minds Poussey hanging out with Piper - actually, some stupid, weak part of Alex is kind of relieved that an actual friend is checking in with her.
But Alex felt so much more deliberate, ignoring Piper when someone else is there. For those forty-five seconds, for the first time, it felt more like cruelty than self-preservation.
Poussey's wary around her the next morning, but neither of them mention it in front of the other. After they go through the main breakfast line, Alex follows her to the cereal station.
"Hey. Can I talk to you for a sec?"
Poussey exhales slowly, like she'd been afraid of this. "Look, don't be mad. I just feel weird pretending we were never friends with her, ya know?"
"What? No, I don't care about that. Jesus. You're allowed to still talk to Piper."
"Oh. What's up, then?"
"How is she?"
Poussey sighs, exasperation tinged with affection. "She asked me the same thing about you."
"What'd you say?"
"Told her it felt weird talking about you." She pauses. "For the record, though, if I had answered...I'da said you're stoned all the time and kinda worrying everybody."
Alex shifts uncomfortably. "Point taken. But seriously...is she okay?"
Poussey chuckles, empty of humor. "I mean, no. Course not. Torn up about hurting you, mostly."
Alex nods and sets her jaw, determinedly stoic. She shouldn't have asked. It was never going to be what she needs to hear: she's fine, she's just fine without you, so you can go ahead and hate her now.
She sleepwalks through another breakfast, sad in a bone deep way that begs for numbing. There's weed hidden in a torn seam of her bag; she could ditch breakfast early and smoke before class, but a very different impulse suddenly emerges and wins out.
As they walk out of the dining hall, she falls into step with Nicky. "Hey, any way I could borrow your car for a few days? I kinda need a weekend home." Nicky can't prevent the instinctive distaste at the request from flickering across her face, and Alex quickly adds, "I'll fill it with gas when I'm done and I'll come back with lots of alcohol. No charge."
"I dunno, Vause...I've never even seen you drive."
"Because you never let us," she snaps.
"Truth be told, I can't even confirm you have a license..."
"Jesus fucking Christ, forget it, I'll fucking ask someone else..."
"Hey, wait." Nicky grabs her arm, drags her back. Alex's face is tight with more anger than is probably warranted. "I'm sorry. All yours, okay? Go see your mom."
Alex nods. Swallows hard, then forces a smirk. "If I wreck it, your mother has to pay for repairs. Win, win."
"Huh. Never thought about it like that."
The promise of leaving campus right after class makes it the easiest day to get through yet. She'll have the whole drive to work out how much to tell her mom, but Alex needs to see her. She needs to see the trailer, her old room, even her usual booth at Friendly's.
Being here with Piper feels like being homeless; Alex needs the comfort of somewhere familiar. Somewhere that still feels okay.