Chapter Three
Everything I need
"That would be the greatest misfortune of all, to find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate"
-Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice.
The small logical part of my brain wondered, how long could you allow yourself to drown in your sorrow, sink in your heart crushing despair, before it enveloped you completely and every last morsel of your true self disappeared beyond recall or desire. I had thought given my behaviour during the previous few days that I could sink no lower, that it was impossible to drown any deeper that I alreadt was but I had been terribly mistaken.
What was happening to me now was no longer drowing. Drowning immediately immplied a struggle, an effort to fight for that last breath, to grip tighter than before, to survive, to live. Now I was drifting. My body had ceased to fight and I floated along aimlessly in an endless black chasm, suffocating because I hadn't just let it swallow me. It had devoured me whole. And the worst part?
Ron and Lavender acted as a constant reminder of what had happened, clinging to each other as if my very presence would tear them apart. Days when I would finally remember to eat, the two of them would walk hand-in-hand into the Great Hall and my appetite would desert me once again. Insomnia became a well known and often welcome friend of mine, I was frightened of dreaming and not because of Ron but because somebody new was plaguing my dreams and he shouldn't have been welcome.
But he was.
I would take long walks through the castle at all hours of the early morning, Filch's wrath nothing to me now. The Astronomy tower, while a cliche at this stage with the amount of people it attracted for amorous late night trysts, really was the best place to go and allow my thoughts to drift with the cool and constant breeze.
One particulalry frosty night about three days after the disastrous classroom episode as I was now calling it, I had crept up to the tower not long after midnight. Sitting on the window ledge, my dressing gown wrapped tightly around me, I allowed my thoughts to rove breaking down the brick wall I struggled to erect each day to keep everything hidden away just so I could make it without breaking down every few minutes.
One melancholic idea struck me as I gazed downwards, how long would my suffering last if I jumped off the ledge right now? Perhaps ten seconds until I reached the bottom and my biggest problem would be my brains scattered across the stone courtyard. But then, I guess, even that wouldn't be my problem, maybe Filch's? I snorted, picturing Filch grumbling at having to clean up my mess.
"Laughing to yourself is a sure sign of insanity Granger", his voice was the usual sardonic drawl but it thinly disguised his annoyance and irritation at my unexpected presence. "However, if you do decide to jump which given your close proximity to the edge, I'm sincerely hoping you were at least contemplating, I promise to say that I pushed you".
I turned slowly and took in his form before replying. He leaned casually against the doorway, crossing his ankles while his hands buried deep into the trouser pockets of the school uniform I was surprised to see he was still wearing at this late hour.
"I'm miserable enough without you here Malfoy, go awat I was here first", I muttered, sighing and turning fixedly away from him.
"You know Granger, you are a thousand times more boring as this pathetic, moping, mani depressive than you were when you were just the irritating bookworm whose most redeeming feature was that she made it so easy for everyone to hate her. I mean, something interesting finally happens to you and you ruin it for all of us by sapping all the fun out of it. How incredibly selfish of you".
I could tell in the slowly rising volume of his voice that he was moving closer to me but I kept my gaze away, frightened that I would break down in front of him.
"You see", he was now standing behind me, I could almost feel his breath on the back of my neck. "Weasley was right to get rid of you. You thought you were better than him, hell I bet you still think it, and nobody wants to be with a bitch. You're too busy pointing out everybody else's faults that you aren't able to see your own".
I turned to face him and realised just how close he was. I swung my legs around, sitting properly on the ledge and facing him, trying not to be intimidated by the fact that he was only inches from me.
"What would you know about seeing fault with yourself? As far as I see it, you don't care about anyone or anything", my voice trembled when I spoke.
"And which one of us is hurting here? Sometimes, only caring about yourself is the best mode of survival", his face darkened as if I had actually hit on a topic he had spent several years thinking about. "Sometimes, we can't care for anybody else and the best thing to do is learn exactly who you are and what you are capable of and accept it".
"Excuse me if I don't take lessons on how to 'accept' myself from you", I said standing up now.
"Well, maybe you should. If you want to be a stuck-up, arrogant bitch go ahead but at least be aware that that is what you are". He raised as hand when I opened my mouth to retort. "Accept it and move on, the sooner you do that the happier everyone will be including you. I mean you can't tell me you honestly didn't see this coming? Weasley was always going to get tired of you".
I closed my mouth again but I couldn't take his words to heart. Part of me, the part that had gone through my relationship with Ron, our conversations bit by bit looking for a clue and had come up short every time, was now stuttering and grinding to a halt.
Malfoy was making me doubt myself and all that I had believed to be true and I didn't like it.
He smirked at me, "That's what I thought".
"You know we had a lovely Christmas", I said slowly, struggling to get the words out but knowing I had to turn this conversation away from myself. "I stayed with his family, he gave me a beautiful necklace and then on New Years he kissed me like he always had and then we make it back for the first day of term and its over. Just like that", I clicked my fingers.
"Granger" he said threateningly, "You're confusing me with someone who gives a shit".
I moved towards him suddenly, aggresively, the look on my face enough to make him take an involuntary step back. "But how could Lavender have given him any advice, like he said she did, on that first day back. Unless, things had started between them long before that moment?"
"Are you actually that dense?" He said harshly, clearly already knowing what I was only now coming to realise. Why did it have to be Malfoy who had given me my breaththrough?
"And you, whatever advice you gave him, you gave because you already knew what was going on with him and Lavender", I said, my gaze downcast now.
"I'd like to point out that Idon't give advice especially not to him. I made a simple, factual observation which isn't important now". He coughed and glared at me, daring me to ask what he had said but I didn't want to know.
Not yet.
"Everyone knew except me and I thought I was intelligent".
"You think too much of yourself, you aren't perfect, far from it so stop it", he said angrily.
"I'm the weak one, everyone has seen my complete and utter breakdown. I've lost everything even my irritating bookworm reputation as you so kindly pointed out", I sighed.
"My pleasure", he replied nonchalantly.
"I wish I could be more like you", I said abruptly the words pouring out before I could stop them.
He gaped at me before frowning in annoyance, his eyebrows knitting together the relaxed posture now tense as he straightened his back unconsciously and clenched his fists.
"I'm serious, I wish I could hide my emotions like you do, be mean to people and not care. Protect myself from everything and everyone like you said, completely change my reputation. Start over", I rubbed a hand through my hair, not noticing as he took a step towards me.
"So do it then Granger, don't be even more pathetic that you already are, do something about it, then we can all have some peace", he turned to go, socialising had not been in his plan for tonight and certainly not with me. He looked tired and drawn all of a sudden, like I was too slow on the uptake, like I had missed something important in all that he had said.
Something vitally important.
"You could do it for me", I moved towards his retreating back which thankfully stopped.
"Fuck off", he growled not turning around. "I'm not doing anything for you so that you can show Weasley how great you are".
He finally turned around, moving to stand directly in front of me, his body nearly touching my own as I could feel his cool breath on my face as he growled at me. "He doesn't want you".
"One rumour", I whispered startled by his proximity and the heat emanating from his body and resisting the urge to place my hands on his chest and feel the lean physique under his clean shirt. "One rumour is all it would take. One sentence from you could change everything. I don't want Ron back, I want to hurt him. I want people to forget about this stupid love triange, forget about my breakdown".
"Why would I help you?" He paused, his expression hardening a fraction. "I hate you".
My tongue knotted itself briefly when he said those words, something in them sounded false. It sounded wrong, he had said that sentence to me so many times over the years but for the first time I wasn't quite sure I believed it.
"I hate you too", I replied with more conviction than I felt but I chose not to interpret it. "That's why its perfect. I'm giving you the chance to make up one rumour about me that people would believe, one rumour that will change my reputation completely and permanently so that when people think of me, they don't remember the self-destruct episode or Ron".
"You want them to forget about you and Weasley?" He said slowly, his face leaning down an extra inch so that his eyes were boring into my own, searching to see how serious I was.
"Yes, I want them to associate me with something else other than him or what he did to me", I whispered, not able to tear my eyes off of his lips, the lips that were hovering too close to my own as I inhaled sharply.
His eyes flickered to my mouth, where I licked my lips nervously and I heard something catch in his throat, and back to my eyes again. My legs felt loose, wobbly as if they would collapse under me and for some reason something trembled within me as my thoughts scattered.
He blinked rapidly one and then twice before standing straight suddenly, realising where he was. He pondered my words, his eyes glowed knowing I had just given him free reign to take my reputation and mangle it his own way.
He could see plainly that I knew there would be no going back, there would be no bargaining or compromise, if I let him do this then I had to keep out after that and let him get on with it.
"I'll think about it", he said sharply, turning around and I heard a barely audible groan when he moved away from me. "But remember that you might regret asking me this".
"I won't regret it", I said firmly.
He chuckled softly, "Making a request like that of a bastard like me? Never mind regretting it", he turned his face to grin manically at me. "You might just wish you had jumped from that window ledge. You might just wish you were dead".
His words lingered in the air even after he had left the room and I could hear his receding footsteps on the stairs but I didn't pay heed to them. I had been barely listening, his close proximity, the feel of his breath on my face, the look in his unusually vibrant stormy, grey eyes had left me reeling.
For the first time in ages, I had never felt so alive.