Chapter Six
Everything I want
"It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not". Andre Gide Autumn Leaves.
The next day, in a feeble attempt to return to normality, and by normality I mean the miserable cocoon I had constructed in my mind in order to shut out the world, I did the only thing I could think to do. I went to find Malfoy.
What I hadn't banked on was the whispering that followed me, it was as if I'd stepped in something foul upon stepping out of the portrait hole early that friday morning and it clung to me all day. Even the fat lady had shaken her head and smiled a me pityingly, "It's going to be a tough day dear, hang in there".
I had frowned at her before starting off for the Great Hall but it wasn't long before I heard the wisdom in her words.
"I heard they've been going at it like rabbits since school got back", one excited fifth year Ravenclaw exclaimed, walking ahead of me down the staircase.
"I heard Ron dumped her because he caught her cheating with Malfoy", said a hufflepuff walking past me on the way to her table in the Great Hall.
"Yea, well I heard it from Sophie, who heard it from Alex who heard it from Parvati, who heard it from Lavender that she is just attention seeking to get back at Ron by sleeping with Malfoy. I mean Malfoy is an utter asshole, what would be the attraction?" Pondered a seventh year Gryffindor girl passing me in the hallway.
"Malfoy is gorgeous but what could he possibly want with a mudblood? I mean he is totally against them so what is he playing at? If he is tired of Parvati, he could have me", said one sulking fourth year Slytherin on her way to the Quidditch pitch.
I could go on and on here believe me but I think you get the idea.
I certainly didn't help myself in any way by pushing roughly past all of these bleating sheep as they all talked about the same thing with not one original or creative idea between them. Besides, I could protest my innocence but not before I found Malfoy and figured out exactly what he was doing.
Unfortunately for me, or as you may have already guessed, I couldn't find him. He wasn't at breakfast and my first few classes were utterly devoid of Slytherins in general. The Gryffindors were eyeing me suspiciously while keeping their distance, probably too frightened to ask and too full of Lavender and Ron's lies to approach me.
When Harry wandered over trying to appear nonchalant, I waved him away distractedly, "No Harry, they aren't true but I'll have to explain another time yea?" He merely nodded at me before moving away from my seat in the library.
By dinner that evening I was feeling extremely irritated at having seen no sign of Malfoy all day and the rumours continued to swirl and buzz around me becoming so fantastical I began to worry about the mental health of the people spreading them. I was sure I heard something about 'love' and 'engagement' at one stage but please don't quote me on that.
That night as my insomniac routine reared its ugly head yet again, I suddenly knew where I might find him. It had been so obvious, I felt like he would have been waiting for me to figure it out all day but that was preposterous.
I slipped silently from my bed, throwing on my dressing gown and leaving my feet bare revelling in the cold stone floor, I padded softly up to the Astronomy tower.
Sure enough, there he stood. His back to me and his arms outstretched on the window ledge as he leaned heavily against it, the moonlight illuminating his pale skin and platinum hair until he looked like he was glowing. He had heard my footsteps I noted briefly as he spoke as soon as I had entered the room, how he had known it was me...don't ask.
"Ah Granger, I figured my absence would allow the fire to spread and what do you know?" He turned, leaning his back against the ledge, crossing his ankles and folding his arms. "I was right".
"So, you're admitting that you purposefully played truant today so that the 'fire' could spread?" I began angrily, his attitude throwing me off. "Well, I have one issue here, what fire would that be exactly?"
I moved forwards only to hesistate about three steps away from him, the image of him towering over me in the empty classroom pushing its way to the front of my mind. I could see his eyebrows rise in amusement.
"Are you being thick on purpose? The only way I could forgive such stupidity is if it truly is genuine and you are also aware of your idiocy?" "
Well, let me tell you that where I'm having trouble, you never started a rumour". I said this as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, speaking slowly because I knew that would annoy him.
He startled me by laughing, "I didn't need to".
"What does that even mean? Stop being vague and enigmatic for five minutes and speak plainly to me", I sighed, frustrated with myself for the lack of progress I was making.
Why did he always turn things around?
"I showed them a rumour Granger and they took it, interpreted it, twisted it and spread it as they saw fit, you see", he pushed himself off the ledge and turned to face out of the open window again. "Rumour making is not my style, as I'm sure I mentioned. It is Pansy's area of expertise; under-handed and nasty. Instead, I put my nastiness into action, let people see that I'm the root of the problem and then I let the chips fall where they may".
He paused before adding quietly, "I must be my father's son".
"Ah yes", I murmured suddenly no longer afraid of him and found the strength to move beside him and lean on the window ledge myself, allowing the cool breeze to wrap itself around me and blow my problems out of the window. "You're all about the show aren't you?"
"You were the one who wanted something that changes how people see you, do you even get what a difficult feat that was? I mean I'm asking them to forget for just one second that you are a bushy-haired, annoying know-it-all who is so uptight and anally retentive about even the most innocuous things that everyone wants to kill her so you know", he shrugged. "I had my work cut out for me".
"If you hate me so much, why would you do anything at all?" I sniffed moodily, hating how he always laid out all of my insecurities before me.
"Because you let me", he replied simply. "And what better rumour than fucking the school bully?"
"You're disgusting", I answered turning away from the window and making to leave, his reponse telling me everything I needed about the vile rumour he had "shown" the class and then inadvertantly, the school.
"When you argued with Ron and Lavender, you didn't deny it", he turned from the window and leaned back against it, smirking.
I spun on my heel and stared at him, "Yes I..."
"No, you didn't. Not once in fact", he grinned knowingly. "You are already using the rumour to your advantage, you can't berate me".
I thought back to that fight, that argument, willing my mind to focus on the information I needed, not the visual image of Ron and Lavender. I realised with growing horror as I replayed it that he was right. I had never said the words out-loud, I'd been thinking them but had failed to deny it outright to give them weight because I had been...
I gasped inwardly, I had been pleased; pleased about what they were doing to Ron.
But surely that didn't matter, I mean why would I fail to vehemently deny what was so clearly repulsive to me? I had spent all day saying nothing, not even bothering to stand up for myself, telling myself it was because I needed to speak to Malfoy first. But why did I need to speak to him on a matter I knew wasn't true?
I glared at him, "How did you...?"
He chuckled softly, "That little show didn't go unnoticed, why do you think Pansy cornered you? She may not have found me last night but she found me this morning", he rubbed a hand through his hair. "I got a right earful, thank God I was busy last night but I was sorry to miss all of it".
"Where were you?" I blurted out, not even sure why I was asking but I felt like I needed to know.
"None of your business", his look darkened suddenly, he looked tired and sick all at once and I realised it was like he hadn't slept in days. I wondered if I looked like that these days.
"Wondering why you didn't deny it Granger? He moved closer to me, until his face was once again mere inches from my own and I could feel his cool breath on my face.
"I'll tell you why", he breathed lowly as i inhaled sharply at his lowered tone, my heart racing inside my chest as I waited for what would happen next. My eyes widening as his own bored through my soul, my tattered and broken heart trembling under his gaze. "Because it excites you", he murmured, leaning closer until his lips hovered above mine. "It excites you to know that people thing you are capable of such passion. That for even the briefest, infinitesimal second people finally saw you as something else. Something more".
My breath caught in again in my throat but he hadn't quite finished, "And you love it".
So I slapped him, I could think of nothing else to do in that moment and his temerity angered me. The ringing sound resounded off the walls of the tower and his now very pink cheek glowed at me from his furious face.
He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close to him, "You think I couldn't have you if I wanted? You think you are so above me that you have no idea you are just like me".
He shook my roughly, his grasp digging into my skin. "If I kissed you now, you'd let me", he said.
"No, no I wouldn't", I breathed heavily. He leaned down until his lips were just touching mine and I failed to move, his body was pressed against mine, his hands still grasping my shoulders and still I didn't move.
Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I tilted my head up unconsciouly and our lips met properly and as they did I felt a bolt of electricity run through my body, allowing me to tear myself away from him, panting heavily as if we had just been involved in an extreme make out session and not a brief touching.
But that brief touch had awakened something inside me and I wasn't sure I could handle it.
He moved away from me, chuckling softly at my horrifed expression but pleased with himself, knowing he had proved a point. I cleared my throat and urged my brain to hurry up and reconnect with my body and when it finally did, I realised he had been unfair, playing with my vulnerability, mocking me with it.
"You're wrong, this doesn't excite me, that isn't why I didn't deny it". I began scrambling to reverse back to the moment that this had started to all go downhill for me. "This whole thing was never about me, or even you, it was about Ron. I wanted to hurt him because I love him in a way you'll never understand".
I hoped he hadn't noticed the insincere way I had said I loved Ron. I mean, what was wrong with me, I did still love him. Didn't I?
I shook myself, continuing. "I didn't deny it because it hurt him, even more so when he thought I would ever do it with you of all people. You are one sadistic, egotistical prick Malfoy", I smiled at him, "And you love to think you have the upper hand".
Just then something happened that I didn't expect, something flickered across Malfoy's face. It was as if his mask had slipped for just a moment and what I saw made me take a step back in surprise. Sincere disappointment was etched there plainly on his face as if I had once again missed something vitally important. Like he had practically laid out all of the clues for me and still I wasn't picking it up and I was continually disappointing him.
Before I could blink, the mask was securely back in place, irritation and annoyance schooled onto it before he laughed nonchalantly. "No matter, I'm not finished with you yet".
His words sounded menacing but I felt like he was giving me another chance, another chance for what?
He moved towards the staircase, preparing to leave before I disappointed him again I suppose.
"What? No, no more rumour you've served your purpose now let it go", I said hating myself for the pleading that had crept its way into my tone.
"You want to know what I said to Weasley, Granger? You want to know why he broke up with you?" He burst out angrily, turning to face me again.
I paused, waiting, holding my breath.
"I told him it was pitiful to see the two of you together, that he would be better off with that insipid idiot Brown and to hurry up and dump your sorry ass because I was tired of retching everytime I saw you both; everytime I saw you look at him with some sort of adoration I knew he didn't deserve I thought I would puke".
My mouth opened slightly, of all the insults that was the one Ron decided to act upon?
"Is that all you said?"
"No, I told you I made a factual observation because I don't give advice to people like Weasley but you don't need to know anymore than that but, in my opinion, I did you a favour", he turned his back on me and I could tell that by letting him down with my ignorance and by failing to miss whatever it was that was vitally important, he wouldn't tell me all of it, wouldn't tell me his reasons for even speaking to Ron.
"I'm impossible to love apparently, didn't anyone tell you?" I blurted out, not even sure why I was saying it.
"Now that...that I don't believe at all", he laughed lowly, staring straight back at me and in that moment I was lost.
"Get ready for hell Granger, I'm just getting started", he winked at me before disappearing down the staircase, leaving me with more questions than he had answered.
I sighed, what had I done and why did he have to make me feel like there wasn't enough oxygen in the world?
I shook myself, no don't think like that. Ron had never made me feel like that.
Stop now...What's happening to me?