WARNING MATURE SCENE AHEAD
Chapter Ten
Everything I would do again
"And often we attack and make ourselves enemies, to conceal that we are vulnerable"-
Friedrich Nietzsche
It took me several deep breaths and a lot of fist clenching once I was safely outside the confines of the Great Hall to calm myself. I couldn't remember ever feeling this angry with my friends and there was only one thing keeping me from going back in and shouting the odds some more. One thing that was a little more important than they were to me right now; the revelation of Malfoy thinking I was more interesting only after I had made a fool of myself.
I told myself that I had only made a fool of myself because of him launching himself at me but that really wasn't true. I had allowed all of that to happen even when Malfoy himself had been behaving as if he was having a breakdown.
I was surprised initially that even Ginny or Harry hadn't followed me out upon my abrupt departure so either they figured I would only shout some more and they were saving themselves the trouble or they thought I was so deep in the clutches of insanity I was beyond their help.
I snorted sardonically but maybe I was?
Perhaps it was the knowledge that the insipid stranger they had concocted out of the fake image I had projected so well did not actually exist and that this...this angry, resentful and sometimes bitter girl was who I really was. They had nothing in common with me now, not now they realised I wasn't actually like them. I felt stronger. I felt that I had finally allowed myself to be awakened and for the first time I could put up a damn good fight.
How had I never noticed our differences before? Or was I so desperate for friends that I had decided not to notice?
I rolled my eyes at myself, how pathetic. When did I become so cynical? But then, the world had never really lived up to my expectations and as for people, apart from my friends I had been continually disappointed by everyone. This rumour had served its purpose in showing me just how vapid my peers were.
Finally calm, I realised I had no idea how to begin looking for Malfoy. He could be anywhere. I looked about me stupidly hoping that he might just pop out from behind a tapestry. No such luck.
Instead, I turned just in time to see Pansy come storming out of the Great Hall and make for the stairs, the same angry look on her face that had been on mine only moments before.
Her back was rigid and her fists clenched, she was gearing for a fight and I bet I knew just who she was after. There was only one person she often bothered to look like that for.
"Malfoy", I whispered.
Following her would be difficult, stealth was not exactly in my nature but then again Harry had rubbed off on me somewhat. I cast a disillusionment charm and hurried off after her, glad that she wasn't headed towards the Slytherin Dungeon which would have been harder to get in to. Harder but not impossible, my own arrogance stunned me; had I really absorbed Malfoy's attitude so quickly?
I'm not sure exactly what I planned to do when I found him. Ask Pansy to leave so we could have a lovely discussion about our feelings? Yea...right.
You don't have to eavesdrop either, eavesdropper's never hear good of themselves, screamed my subconscious sounding remarkably like my mother as I continued to follow Pansy now stomping down the first floor corridor.
I couldn't help myself, I needed to know how this was affecting him because it couldn't possibly all be in my head.
If it was, which meant I really had lost all sense of intuition, then I would withdraw once again into my miserable cocoon and this time I wouldn't allow any body to bring me out of it.
Pansy's pace picked up suddenly and just as I was beginning to wonder where the hell we were going she came to a halt. In spite of the charm, I leaned into the wall as she looked quickly about her not wanting to take any risks. Then she did something I didn't expect, she walked right into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
I paused for a moment overcome with confusion, was she taking a bathroom break? Christ, her timing was dreadful.
I debated whether or not to go in when it occurred to me that most girls wouldn't dream of using those toilets, there are others on the first floor everyone would rather use due to Mrytle's irritating presence.
To be safe, I followed her in peeking around the door while careful not to open it too far, praying nobody was on the other side. I hit the jackpot, Pansy was speaking and from what I could gather she was on the other side of the large, round sinks, the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. I entered and closed the door softly, melting into the cold tiled wall.
"...only one who knows you come here, Myrtle likes to brag you should be more careful", she was saying belligerently. I let out a breath that I didn't know I'd been holding and waited for his voice.
"I've never told her my name and you make it sound as if we are in some sort of tryst. She is a ghost and she does as she is told. Do you notice her absence? Because I asked her if I could have time to myself and she left. I notice, despite having said the same thing to you, you are still here". His voice was aggressive and I wondered if this was the hideout he used since I had sort of stolen the Astronomy Tower from him. At least I thought that was how he would see it.
"I'm worried about you and you have been avoiding me. Don't think I haven't noticed Draco". One thing I would always say to Pansy's credit, she wasn't afraid of Malfoy and certainly not afraid to argue with him. But then he could only insult his own kind so far.
"People are asking questions and then Blaise tells me that you have been missing classes and not sleeping properly and when you do sleep, you scream. People are starting to notice how...how dishevelled you look all the time too. I swear I couldn't get Daphne to shut up about it earlier".
"Nice to know you and Blaise are looking out for me", said Draco sarcastically.
"We are worried; whatever you are doing you need to stop". Her voice rose severely in pitch as she spoke, his attitude clearly annoying her and I could sense it was an argument she had had many times before.
"I can't stop", He screamed back at her. "Are you so stupid that you don't understand? I can't stop, I've been given a task and I can't bloody well stop. It doesn't work like that!"
Silence followed this outburst, my breath hitched in my throat slightly and I prayed neither of them had great hearing.
"What do you mean? Has the Dark Lord asked you to do something?" Her voice went down to a whisper as she eventually managed to raise a question.
"Don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to", he muttered back and I could hear his feet shuffling as if he had turned away from her.
My heart was pounding as I slid onto the damp floor, my legs unable to hold me up anymore; he was doing a mission for Voldemort. He was a true death eater. Malfoy had spoken of something coming during his little episode that was revealing more to me now than it did then. Was this what he had meant?
I felt cold; all of this time I thought the rumour and what he had been doing at my request was getting to him but how could I ever have believed myself to be that important? He had more pressing things to worry about and I was not one of them. Was I so full of my own self importance I had failed to miss something vitally important?
"Draco, I want to help", she said soothingly. I imagined her moving towards him, maybe brushing some hair out of his eyes and I felt a sudden roar of unexpected and unwelcome jealousy, rage up inside of me.
"Well you can't, now bugger off. I don't know if you know this but I'm in a lot of pain and Christ if the sound of your voice doesn't make it worse".
I'll admit this definitely made me feel better.
"Don't push me away Draco, please", she whispered and I imagined the tears welling in her eyes. Or was I just hopeful he was causing her pain?
"Don't worry", he laughed without humour. "I don't think I could if I tried, you cling on so fiercely but it will make no difference. Soon, I won't be here and everything will be as it was supposed to be".
"I came here to fight with you and it ends up being depressing", Pansy said sadly.
I wondered briefly at her words about the extent of their relationship and just how intimate they had been. If he meant half as much to her as Ron had to me then she was in trouble and at great risk of having her heart broken. Or had he already broken it and she kept going back? I realised she was who I didn't want to be; she was totally unable to let go.
"Haven't we fought enough?" He said after a long silence. I assumed he was speaking of the last six years, not the last few weeks.
"I was here to talk about Granger", she said calmly. "You sort of got me on the wrong track".
"Granger?"
He didn't sound too surprised to hear the sound of my name but I was. I had to bite my lip to keep from making the slightest sound of shock.
"Yes Draco, Granger. Since we saw you, you know, kissing her. You've been really withdrawn; you said it was an act but I'm starting to worry that it wasn't".
"I told you I just wanted to torment her and she was the one who wanted a rumour". He said it calmly but I could tell they were words he had had to explain several times to account for his bizarre actions. This explained why the Slytherin's had left me alone, he had told them what I had asked him to do and he had had to make sure they didn't get in the way.
"I'm not sure I believe that anymore, I think that is a cover because you actually wanted to kiss her", Pansy sniffed and I could tell she was annoyed.
"Don't be absurd, why would I want to kiss her?"
"You tell me", Pansy said her voice breaking slightly.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because I've seen the way you look at her, the rumour you say she asked for is either complete bollox made up by you to get close to her or it's true and she feels the same way".
"What are you talking about?"
"She could have asked anyone to make up that rumour, anyone but she asked you. She was a complete mess and then after she asks you to do this and starts talking to you more, there is suddenly a spark in her that wasn't there before. But why you?" Pansy's voice was thick and I could just discern what she was trying to say but the sub-text was easier to hear.
"Because I'm a prick". He sighed audibly. "I've always been a prick and I probably always will be so why not ask someone who will take great pleasure in watching other people suffer. Plus I'm not exactly going to tell Weasel about it".
"I think you like her and I heard you spoke to Weasley right before he went and dumped her".
"Go away Pansy, I'm bored of you now. You're like a broken record and I'm sick of talking about Granger every time you think I'm forgetting you. I didn't tell Weasel to dump her because I wanted her. However, I'm sure she would love my dark mark don't you?"
"Draco..."
"Could you just go?" All the fight had left his voice and I knew the conversation or argument was now over. The sound of him talking about his mark didn't make me angry, it made me miserable.
"I'll go but be careful Draco, when everything is over I'll still be here. The mudblood certainly won't and you won't have anyone else to turn to".
I heard her go but stayed where I was for a few more moments, my legs spread out in front of me but I couldn't feel them. I felt numb, seeing Malfoy looking exhausted these last few weeks suddenly made sense. He had gotten Ron to break up with me, had agreed to make up a rumour and the last time I had seen him, he had been almost delirious and disorientated. He had been doing it all as a distraction to whatever task Voldemort had set him.
I sighed audibly, forgetting for that briefest moment where I was but it was enough.
"Who's there?" Draco's voice was sharp and angry, he wasn't frightened. I supposed after years of being in Malfoy Manor he knew how to eavesdrop and he knew when he was being eavesdropped on.
I got slowly to my feet and removed the charm, stepping out from behind the large sinks. He breathed angrily, his nostrils flaring furiously while his eyes flashed with fury.
"How long have you been here?"
"Long enough" I replied. My eyes never left his waiting to see if he would hex me straight to hell, punch me, yell or any number of things but he still hadn't moved. His jumper was crumpled in a heap at his feet, thrown carelessly as if he had taken it off in a hurry.
Several minutes passed and I began to beg inwardly for him to say something, say anything.
"You are the most infuriating person I have ever met you know". His voice was deliberately calm but I knew he was struggling to keep it even. I realised I preferred him when he wasn't speaking.
I shrugged knowing there was nothing I could say, words were futile and I certainly was not going to plead my case. I should not have been there and I knew it.
"You asked me to make a rumour and instead of enjoying it, you've sucked me right in to your mess. I wanted a distraction; I am not your bloody agony aunt".
"I know..." I began.
"I'm still speaking so for once in your life shut up", he growled.
I closed my mouth suddenly feeling like I was being told off and I didn't like it.
"I have so much more to worry about than you and Weasel and Golden Boy and yet you drag me right into your shit and then complain when you don't like what you hear about yourself or when you realise who you actually are".
"Wait just a minute", I ground out. "You don't get to speak to me like that; you don't get to walk all over me. I'm sick of it; you want to know who I am? I'm the bitch who absolutely hates you, I wanted a rumour for the most selfish of reasons and now it seems I'm without friends all because you told me that it excited me to think that people saw me as something more and I can't get your words out of my head".
"So this is my fault? My fault that you've finally unearthed your own arrogance?" He said threateningly, taking a step towards me.
"Yes, this is your fault. You with all your advice that I never asked for, playing with a rumour I never agreed to and renting space inside my head. You make me feel sick".
"Well, now we are getting somewhere", he replied laughing lowly still walking towards me.
"I've had enough of you, go and do your mission, get out of Hogwarts and all of our lives. Go and be a death eater because that is all you are good for, you will just be doing what everyone expected of you so go and hopefully you might die along the way".
The words were out before I realised what I'd said and I inhaled sharply when I was finished. I mean, yes I was angry but did I really want to wish someone dead? They were cruel words for me to utter and Malfoy's slight widening of the eyes told me he felt the same but it transformed and I knew he was impressed.
He had stopped in his tracks about five inches away from me a smug smile spreading on his lips.
"Didn't think you were capable of saying something like that now Granger did you?"
I shook my head, suddenly mute.
"Well, I did. I knew what you were capable of even if you didn't and I'm glad you finally got to say something cruel", he smiled.
"I don't really wish you dead", I said suddenly, imploring him to see how genuine I was being.
"Are you sure?" His eyes widened with disbelief. "After all I've done?"
"Sometimes I wish I was dead but...no, I don't wish you dead Malfoy", I sighed. "I don't".
"What do you wish for?" He moved towards me again, closing the gap between us in one swift move. I put my hands on his chest, feeling his lean physique through the white shirt that was once again crumpled like he had slept in it.
"I don't know".
"Have you ever had sex Granger?" He breathed.
I shook my head and raised my eyes to meet his, not at all fazed by his personal question but blushing all the same.
"Saving it for someone you love?"
I nodded slowly, "Well, I was until Ron..."
"Mm Hmm", he nodded knowingly. "Until Ron dumped your sorry ass and started having it off with Brown. Well, maybe we should see if you are capable of the passion the whole school now thinks you are? Sometimes, sex doesn't have to be with someone you love. Sometimes sex can just be sex."
"What do you mean?" He sounded so unsure, like he was trying to convince himself.
He didn't answer; instead he captured my lips with his own pulling me to him and wrapping his arms around my waist. I groaned as his tongue traced my bottom lip demanding entry and I was too weak to refuse him.
Well, that and I didn't want to refuse him.
I could feel his erection through his trousers and I knew I was aroused; in fact I was on fire. The burning that he had started so many weeks ago without my realising now roared to life as my hands found their way to his hair. I pulled it and him closer to me; I could not have him close enough in that moment.
"I want you Granger", he growled lowly and I couldn't believe I was hearing those words from Malfoy of all people but I had never been so turned on.
"So have me", I replied breathing heavily but confidence leaking into my voice.
He didn't answer but a look passed across his eyes suddenly, annoyance maybe?
He pushed me backwards until I was against the bathroom wall and lifted me up my skirt riding higher, my skin scorching under his touch. Our tongues entwined; one of his hands on my thigh the other gripping my neck like he was either trying to strangle me or hold on to me, lost in the moment, lost in each other.
I felt like I had finally found what I wanted and I was determined to go all the way. I was determined to have sex with Malfoy, I wanted it so badly. He wrenched up my skirt and pressed his finger against me lightly, pulling his mouth away from mine breathing heavily.
"I can't ever be in here", he said the words lowly, firmly as if willing me to understand. "You would regret it, we would regret it".
"No, no I wouldn't", I breathed but the fire was dying down and I was coming back to myself. Suddenly the situation I was now in, my back pressed to a wall pushed here by Malfoy, seemed absurd when it had felt so normal a moment ago.
Malfoy put my hands above my head, his shirt sleeves moving back to his elbows as he did so and his mark was suddenly resting against my cheek. I noted how hot it was and wondered how it must feel to be under his skin, a heat he could never cool.
"Look at it Granger, it is part of who I am". The words were rough from his mouth and when I refused to look he used his right hand to force my face. "This will always stop me doing to you what you want and what I would do in a heartbeat if things were different".
"Why should it matter?" I said not taking my eyes from the snake, frightened it might just spring off his arm and bite me.
"It just does". His thumb brushed my lips no longer holding my face in his vice-like grip.
I turned to look at him now levelling him with my eyes. "Things have changed".
I reached my mouth up and captured his lips for a change, forcing my tongue into his mouth and allowing him to see that I was not the weakling he would paint me, nor the goody-two shoes my friends had given up on. My skirt remained hitched up, his left hand now moving down to caress my thigh again grounding his hips into me and I can imagine how it must have looked.
Neither of us heard her return, coming to check on him no doubt and we had no idea how long she had been there.
We just heard her voice.
"Draco?"
He groaned and leaned his face into my neck.
My eyes flew open to see Myrtle standing behind us, eyes wide with surprise and anger.
"I'm telling", she yelled and disappeared through the wall screaming at the top of her ghostly lungs.
"MALFOY AND GRYFFINDOR GOLDEN GIRL HAVING IT OFF!"
Malfoy stared at me wide eyed, still pressed against me, our mouths swollen and the lust that had been returning to our eyes dimming slightly but when we heard footsteps running to the bathroom and realised there was nowhere to go he stood back so quickly I lost my balance and fell.
And he just watched me come crashing back down to earth the ghost of a smile on his lips.
"Did you play me?" I whispered horrified as the door to the bathroom crashed open and what sounded like the entire Gryffindor house came running in.
He said nothing, just stared at me with slightly raised eyebrows shoving his hands into his pockets as we were accosted by students and McGonagall looking more furious than I'd ever seen her a gaggle of gawping students that I didn't know giggling behind her.
"My office, NOW".
Great. That's just fucking great.