Chapter Twelve
Everything You Chose
"My heart only ever had one thought, one want. One need. Despite all, in spite of all...all my heart has ever wanted is you".
Stephanie Laurens The Edge of Desire
Running didn't help.
It didn't clear my mind and it didn't leave my problems behind. But it took a severe stitch in my side somewhere on the seventh floor to make me actually stop. I leaned into the wall, panting uncontrollably and trying to get the white dots in front of my eyes to disappear by blinking rapidly. My left eye still stung from Ron's punch but was thankfully not swelling.
I hoped Malfoy had beaten him half to death but knew that that wouldn't be possible. Instead, I prayed he had at least had the chance to throw in a few good right hooks before a teacher interrupted.
Malfoy.
His name had the ability to send shivers down my spine. The cold, grey eyes; the hard jaw-line, the unbelievably pale skin, the platinum hair falling into his eyes when he spoke, the way he made me feel when he was doing something as innocuous as cracking his knuckles; the clichéd weakness in my knees when he smiled.
I really wanted him, he was making me fall for him and it had taken his sadistic rumour to awaken something in me that I didn't know existed. I hadn't realised my capacity for passion and fire; nobody had, not even Ron. But Malfoy had realised it and that was why he had chosen the rumour he did. He may tell me it was because it had to be something completely out there but that wasn't it.
He wanted me to see who I was.
It sickened me that he knew me better than I knew myself.
I straightened my jumper and skirt, flattening my hair and taking a steady, albeit slightly shaky, breath. It was time to take stock.
I know I want Draco Malfoy.
Do I know what I even mean by the word want?
No I don't know but I know I don't want the distance between us any longer. I had wanted to go all the way with him in the bathroom and I would have without a second thought if Myrtle hadn't returned.
But does this mean he wants me?
No, not necessarily. He may have just wanted the sex and even then, if I hadn't kissed him again he had been ready to stop. He had also said he was glad we hadn't had the chance to do it and that was because of all the trouble it would bring. He had told them in Dumbledore's office that maybe he had fallen in love with me or maybe it was just lust. Which signalled to me that he didn't know what he felt either, right?
Okay, so only one thing is actually certain.
I feel things for him that I have never felt before and as a result I want to be with him in some way. I just don't precisely know what way; not yet.
I nodded as I pushed myself away from the wall, at least all of that was a start. It surprised me how willing I was to admit that I wanted a death eater but all of this had proved to me that he was so much more than that.
I began the slow walk back to the Gryffindor common room passing the paintings that already seemed to be gossiping about me but perhaps I was just becoming paranoid. I didn't notice the finger pointing and whispering from my fellow students this time thankfully. The fight had clearly been broken up because I suddenly felt like the school was full again when barely a few minutes ago it had been empty.
"Draconis", I muttered to the Fat Lady standing to attention in front of her and hating how that word sounded so similar to another one I'd rather forget.
"That isn't the password dear", she replied kindly watching me with pity.
"It isn't?" I looked up finally startled enough to raise my head. "But they changed it to that on Valentine's day. It can't be time for another change yet they only happen monthly?"
I remembered it because I had shuddered at the sound when I had been told. It had seemed cruel when all the cupids had been floating annoyingly around the school.
"Yes dear and that was a month ago".
"When did it become March?" I said more to myself than to her. Time had been slipping away on me and I hadn't even realised. That really was frightening, when months could pass and I didn't even notice. Ron had broken up with me in January so that meant that I'd spent two months being depressed and confused.
I sighed and scratched my left forearm unconsciously. "I'm sorry, I don't know it. Can't you let me in anyway?"
"No, dear I can't. You know the rules".
"And you know me. So come on let me in", my voice raised slightly as the anger that I always carried these days started to bubble again.
"It's Socrates", said Lavender from behind me. I muttered my thanks and scrambled through the hole trying to get away from her as fast as I could, half jogging towards the dormitory staircase.
"Hermione, don't you want to know what happened?" She said it loudly so that those already in the common room swivelled their heads in our direction.
"Not really no", I said over my shoulder but she continued anyway which made me stop and turn around. She looked so...happy.
"McGonagall stopped them before any real damage could be done". She talked to the room at large rather than just to me her voice raised as if she was pontificating.
"Ron was taken to the hospital wing, he is very hurt but he'll be okay once the concussion wears off. Malfoy was relentless, kept slamming Ron's head against the wall. He was dragged away by Snape eventually and good riddance, he was still screaming at Ron right the way down to the dungeons".
My heart fell into my stomach. Snape had no longer finished punishing Malfoy and he gets into a fight. I didn't want to imagine what would happen to him a second time.
"Malfoy was fighting for you, isn't that odd Hermione?" Lavender finished, folding her arms and staring coldly at me. Everyone did, I could see the curiosity burning in their faces as they waited with baited breath to hear my response.
"What do you want me to say?" I raised my hands in defeat. "Nothing I could say will change what you all decided happened a long time ago but never actually happened in the first place".
"You expect us to believe that? After what you said to Ron?" Lavender laughed shrilly and without humour and I desperately wanted to pull her blonde hair out strand by strand until there was nothing left.
"It is a bit strange Hermione", said Dean Thomas softly.
"We were there, why would you say it like?" said Seamus leaning forward in his chair slightly and ignoring his half played game of wizard's chess even though the pieces were yelling at him to take his move.
"Why would I say I slept with Malfoy when everyone was watching? Is the idea that I said it to hurt Ron so hard to believe?" I said sighing closing my eyes while clenching my fists trying to keep my anger in check.
"Puh-lease", mocked Lavender looking about her to gauge the reaction of everyone else. "None of us are going to believe that, we just want to know what do you think you are doing going off with Malfoy?"
"Excuse me?" I said lowly taking a step towards her. Pulling her hair out didn't seem such a bad idea now.
"Well, who do you think you are? Ron dumps you so you act out and where do you come off acting out with Malfoy? You're setting a bad example for us girls who still have our dignity intact". She dropped her arms down to her sides as she spoke and her eyes darted quickly about her and I imagined it was to see who was around her that she could quickly hide behind if I decided to kill her. I noticed that while nobody in this room was supporting me, nobody was backing her up either.
"I know that those words are Ron's because let's face it, you couldn't come up with one intelligent thought on your own but fuck you and your so-called dignity. Who I chose to be with is nothing to do with you and I certainly won't waste any time explaining it to you, you empty headed judgemental bitch".
I had continued walking during my rant and was now level with Lavender. My eyes narrowed as I stared at her with all of the derision I could muster.
"Why don't you stick to what you know; being an insufferable gossip and...well...sorry I was optimistically thinking there would be something else you might be good at but nothing springs to mind".
I turned but she wasn't quite done yet. The chance to say the last word was too strong to resist for her.
"It's perfect really. The death eater and the muggle born, what a quaint love story; I hope he dies like he deserves to for what he has done and then you'll be all alone".
The silence after this sentence was deafening and the collective gasp that came shortly afterwards certainly wasn't caused by it. I caused it by swinging so hard that I split her lip and left her spitting blood onto the carpet from her new place on the floor. Her face registered terror and I was so happy that I had made that possible.
"You don't get to say things like that to me unless you want me to knock your teeth out the next time". I leaned over her, shrugging off the half hearted hands that were trying to make sure I didn't do it again and equally wanting me to.
"I told him he should just die once before you know and it's a cruel thing to wish on anyone. Your malice is aimed at me and I still don't know why when it was you who ran off into the fucking sunset with Ron. But next time you forget that you were the one who took my boyfriend from me and ask me where I come off wanting someone like Malfoy; I'll do more than split your fucking lip. And trust me; I'm just daring you to ask".
I turned around and began the ascent to the dorms while the common room buzzed to life and I promised myself that I wouldn't take that kind of shit from anyone ever again. I had had enough and I certainly didn't need to listen to it.
And I would never allow someone as insipid as Lavender Brown to make me lose my temper again even if the dull throb in my fist was welcome and gave me a wonderful thrill.
I stayed in the shower for a long time that night and when I got out I crawled gratefully into the sheets pulling the hangings around me. For the first time, I allowed myself to replay what had happened in the bathroom that day and fell asleep imagining what might have happened.
I didn't expect to see Malfoy at breakfast the next day but he was there; surrounded by his friends who had clearly decided not to abandon him probably swallowing whatever he told them. I ate alone at the Gryffindor table, my back firmly to him; worried that if I saw his face I would either collapse in tears or tear somebody's throat out.
To be fair, it had been a struggle to drag myself down here especially since having seen Lavender's split lip the other girls in the dorm had given me a wide berth and I had briefly contemplated just staying in bed.
There was a small, sadistic part of me though that wanted the whole school to see how refreshed I looked and know that despite everything I had slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. I wanted them to think that not one part of this bothered me.
Ron was still tucked up safely in the hospital wing and the only reason I knew Malfoy was in the Great Hall when I had arrived was because heads had continually swivelled back and forth between us.
However, about fifteen minutes into the tense affair I had no choice but to turn around and face him.
Lucius Malfoy's voice was commanding and especially so when he was angry but to send a howler and allow the school a glimpse into Malfoy's home life was not something anyone would have expected.
MY SON, MY SON A PUREBLOOD SULLYING HIMSELF AND THE LINE HE WAS BORN INTO BY CAVORTING WITH A MUDBLOOD IS UNSPEAKABLE.
I dropped my spoon with a clatter as my head and indeed all the heads in the school hall turned to the Slytherin table when it began suddenly, drowning out the gossiping. Malfoy's face was impassive as his gaze found mine; our eyes locking, mine widened and his narrowed as the unrelenting, cold voice continued.
SO YOU CAN IMAGINE MY DISCOMFORT AT HAVING HEARD THE REASON FOR YOUR DETENTION AND NEAR EXPULSION FROM SCHOOL. IF YOU GET YOURSELF EXPELLED THERE IS MORE THAN JUST YOU IT WILL HURT REMEMBER THAT. RUMOURS ARE ONE THING AND WHILE I WAS NOT HAPPY I COULD HAVE LIVED IF THAT WAS ALL THEY WERE. BUT NOW I HEAR THAT IN FACT IT IS TRUE AND THERE ARE SO MANY WITNESSES WHO HEARD IT FROM YOUR LIPS. YOU WILL STAY AWAY FROM HER UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO CURSE YOU AGAIN FOR DISOBEYING ME. YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME? I'M SURE YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
He flinched at the last part and I wondered just what Lucius had done to him before.
IF YOU FAIL TO STAY AWAY FROM HER, I WILL REMOVE HER FROM YOUR PRESENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL.
At this every head turned to stare at me and the colour drained from my face. Malfoy's eyes never left mine but I could tell in the way he grimaced that he could see how I had blanched.
I WILL BE WATCHING YOU MORE CLOSELY DRACO. YOUR MOTHER IS FURIOUS WITH YOU AND SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE.
On that ominous note the letter exploded in a blast of white light. Malfoy got up from the table and walked slowly out of the Great Hall as if determinedly showing everyone that he didn't care that they had been listening. He didn't care that they had been given a rare insight into his life and it was gruesome.
It took me only three frantic heartbeats after he had left to get up and follow him, indifferent to the stares that followed me out.
"Malfoy", I shouted as I saw him making his way up the stairs.
He didn't turn to me but his voice was harsh.
"Granger, go away you are just so much trouble".
"Please don't be like that not after what we...almost did", I said softly moving up the stairs to be closer to him.
He turned and I could see his purple eye clearly now and the deadened look in his eyes. The more obvious one was definitely Ron's doing, a stray elbow perhaps during all the head banging but the latter I could only attribute to Snape and I wondered again with a shudder just what he had done to him. His uniform was crumpled as usual, his green and silver tie hanging loosely from his shirt and I marvelled at his lean body for the millionth time.
"As if what we did gives you some sort of hold over me? Get real Granger, it meant nothing". His words stung me slightly but I had that awful niggling feeling that once again he wasn't being truthful with me.
"Heard what you did to Brown by the way", he smiled casually his hair falling into his eyes. "I always knew you had it in you".
I grinned and shrugged thrown off guard by the sudden change in subject and mood. "Figured you would be proud but let's face it, she had it coming for a long time and if I didn't do it someone else would have".
He nodded in agreement. "But I heard you did it because of something she said about me and Granger that is a dangerous way to go. You going to go murder half the school because they've all said something bad about me now", he gestured back to the Great Hall's closed doors that were unable to mute the sound of gossiping students.
"Well, that makes two of us then doesn't it?"
He shrugged, "I shouldn't have done that to Weasley over you".
My heart fell but he wasn't finished.
"I should have done it to him a long time ago when he was first with you because I knew even then what would happen and while I didn't think he had the gall to hit a girl, that really is a new kind of low, I knew it would all end in tears".
"Just my tears though, nobody else seemed particularly hurt by what happened except me".
"Are you still hurt by it?" His voice sounded hopeful but his face was hard and unemotional as if he would judge me if I said yes.
"You know that I'm not", I whispered belligerently staring up at him. I held my breath while I waited for him to speak but his eyes seemed to be searching for something in my expression.
"I don't know if I'm glad or angry to hear those words, you've caused me nothing but grief", he rubbed his face tiredly and half-laughed as he spoke.
"At least you're always honest", I replied folding my arms and staring at the ground.
"If there is one thing I am with you Granger, it's consistent. Don't expect special treatment because..." He trailed off rubbing his left arm unconsciously.
"Because..." I motioned for him to continue but my eyes fell on his arm and he followed my gaze and dropped his hands suddenly.
"Leave it", he said bluntly about to turn away again. "And while you're at it, stay away from me. This will be easy to do now by the way; since I've got detention for the rest of my life and my father may just kill me".
"You're not going to take what the howler said seriously are you?"
He stared at me incredulously, his eyebrows rose in semi-amusement at my stupidity. "Granger, they aren't empty threats they don't make those where I come from. My father is completely serious and I'm not going into details about the previous punishments. So I'll finally grant you what you asked for so long ago, I'll stop. The rumour is officially over and the merciless Russian roulette we've been playing is finished. You'll now have to live with your lot the way the rest of us do".
"But I don't want it to be over", I mumbled quietly staring at the floor. "I...I've come to...I think I'm..." I couldn't get the words out but his features softened as he reached out and tucked a hair behind my ear, rubbing his fingers over the red spot on my eye where Ron had left his mark.
"Don't say it please; I don't want to know what you feel. I'm from one world and you are from another. Don't romanticise this because up until very recently I actively hated you and I know it was mutual. You wouldn't like me very much if you knew how much I'd done and how much I've failed to prevent and the cruelty I've shown in my short life", he stroked my jaw with his thumb and dropped his hand quickly. "This was over before it even began".
With one final look which I couldn't discern he turned and with slumped shoulders walked slowly up the stairs, reluctantly as if there was so much left unsaid. I wanted to scream at him that I wanted him, that I had finally realised what he must have already known. But I said nothing and he kept walking, away from me and away from everything we might have had.
I realised when he disappeared that Malfoy was making a choice between two paths and he was picking the one he had always been meant for; I represented the troublesome path that asked him to turn his back on everything he had been brought up with including his family whether he chose to have me in his life or not.
I sighed and leaned against the banister rubbing my hair back from my face; knowing better than to go after him a second time after being brushed off so quickly the first.
I'd never have guessed it then but all it took was Harry to allow me to find out all that I needed to know about Malfoy and his mission; Harry Potter and one stupid curse that he had never heard of and decided to try out that same day in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
I'm glad he did though even if it did hurt Malfoy so badly.
I'm so glad.