Chapter Fourteen

Everything I finally said

"I'm not a perfect person; I make a lot of mistakes. You chose to stay with me even after you figured out who I really was and not only that, you chose to love me for it".

Trying to focus on my classes that day was incredibly difficult; so much had happened during one morning that originally I had had no intention of even going to class. However, McGonagall caught me on the way back to the Gryffindor Common room and gave me such a stern lecture that I figured I should at least give off the pretence of someone who still gave a shit about their education.

Snape's words about my valuing my career at Hogwarts had struck a chord with me; did I still value my career enough to continue? Would I even care if I was no longer here? Something bigger was definitely coming but I wasn't sure at that stage if it would mean not returning to Hogwarts for my final year.

Everything seemed so stupid now, so pointless, as Malfoy lay unconscious up in the infirmary. Pansy had caught up with me by the third class, the news had slowly leaked its way like poison through the student body via those that had seen Malfoy being taken to the Hospital Wing.

"What did you do to him?" She hissed through tears while Slughorn's back was turned as he wrote notes on the board I would never copy into my notebook. I hadn't even bothered to open my bag and had been lying with my head on the desk in front of her before she had spoken.

"I didn't do anything to him", I hissed back over my shoulder just as venomously. "If anything, I made sure he was found, you should be thanking me".

I marvelled at the words coming from my mouth; when had I decided that I could speak to whomever I wanted in whatever tone I saw fit? I had never behaved like that before. I shrugged the thought off quickly, I didn't need to analyse myself. I had changed, that was that.

A few people began to glance in over in our direction, hoping for more information. Harry's eyes remained downcast as his face paled.

"I told you before to back off", she said, the tears now strolling freely down her face. "Why didn't you listen, this would never have happened if you had just left him alone".

I finally turned in my seat; it wasn't like she was disturbing me I might as well have skipped the class altogether for all the attention I was paying.

"Firstly, get your facts right. I saved him. Secondly, why are you even discussing this with me? You want to know what happened? Well go and ask him yourself! There was...is nothing going on between us and he nearly died, get your priorities right if you care so much about him and leave me alone!"

"Miss Granger!"

I hadn't noticed my voice rising in tone and volume as I spoke until Slughorn called my name and I turned to see everyone staring at me. Everyone, that is, except Harry and I knew he was still far too guilty to fix me with the accusatory stare that everybody else had adopted.

"What?" I snarled, still angry.

"You are disrupting my class, ten points from Gryffindor". Slughorn looked ruffled at my furious stare.

"I don't care", I replied folding my arms and leaning back in my seat.

"Would you care if I took twenty?"

"I wouldn't care if you took five hundred; everyone in Gryffindor has already written me off and hates me for absolutely no reason other than some bizarre feeling that I've somehow betrayed them all; therefore some house points won't make any difference".

"If anything, it will give everyone a real reason to dislike me", I scratched my chin as I added this as an afterthought.

Nobody except Slughorn seemed particularly surprised at my outburst; I was just so volatile these days.

"Detention then this evening after class", he was clearly shaken. Every teacher had had to deal with troublemakers before but never in the form of Hermione Granger.

"But...no", I sat forward suddenly. I had wanted to go and see Malfoy straight after classes had finished not caring if anyone else would be there because I knew he would talk to me given the circumstances.

I just knew he would need to talk to me.

"So detention bothers you then? Well, that's fine. Be here at 5pm".

"But Sir, I can't...I need to..." I trailed off.

"What?" He waited expectantly for an answer and a few of the Gryffindors shot me looks of derision, as if they knew exactly what I'd been about to say. The Slytherins watched me with incredulity indicating their collective thought that I must have a death wish to continually go running back to Malfoy.

I breathed a heavy sigh knowing that I couldn't say the words aloud; I couldn't tell Slughorn and everyone else what they were so desperate to hear me say.

To say, that I needed to see Malfoy.

"Nothing", I sighed leaning back again and folding my arms, fixing my gaze on my desk and attempted to turn my thoughts away from the blonde haired asshole that occupied them so often these days.

Slughorn nodded, thinking that he had won when in fact I had just given up, and turned back to the board.

"I can't just go and talk to him", Pansy whispered behind me after several minutes had passed, all the venom now gone from her voice. "He hasn't woken up yet".

My insides plummeted; how could he not have woken up yet? How much blood had he lost? It took all my self control to remain seated when all I wanted to do was sprint up to the Hospital Wing and see him for myself.

I caught Harry staring at me and wondered if he had heard Pansy but had no time to think about it as the bell rang shrilly signalling the end of the torturous class.

"Hermione wait up", said Harry behind me as I bolted out of the classroom hearing Slughorn yell my detention out again as a reminder.

I turned, adjusting the straps of my bag, "What?" I couldn't help the anger inside of me as I watched him. He got to walk around like nothing had happened and Malfoy was still unconscious.

"What did Pansy say?"

"Why would I tell you? What do you care?" I said belligerently, turning around and walking towards Transfiguration knowing that he would follow me.

"I do care, please. Is he going to be okay?"

"You only care because of the repercussions this could have on you. I don't know if he is going to be okay and it looks like I won't find out for a long time since he is still out cold".

He dragged me into a small alcove behind a tapestry, Lavender Brown shooting us a strange glance on her way past.

"Did you tell anyone...?"

"That you did it?" I fixed him with the coldest stare I could manage. "No, for some reason I haven't". I turned to go.

I could only see the outline of his glasses in the dark lighting but I could never remember hating his face so much in my life.

"Ron gets out today", he blurted the words suddenly and I knew that this was what he had wanted to talk about in the first place not Malfoy. The knowledge annoyed me; he still didn't get what he had done. He still didn't comprehend the depravity he had shown in casting an unknown dark spell.

I stopped now and faced him, his nose inches from mine. "And you think I would want to know that given the only reason he got himself in there in the first place was because he hit me?"

"Malfoy was the only one who defended me that day Harry, you certainly weren't rushing forward to do anything other than save Ron from getting into more trouble and you didn't report it to a teacher afterwards, you protected Ron first as you will always do".

"You didn't report Ron either", he said softly.

"I thought Malfoy concussing him was enough punishment but I'm honest, I had other things on my mind after that little incident".

"You were about to stop Malfoy though from hitting him, you must still care".

"I was about to encourage Malfoy actually not stop him", I spat.

"I thought there was still hope", he whispered resignedly, "I thought maybe..."

"You thought that maybe we could make up? Get real Harry. Things will never go back to the way they were because Malfoy is the first person to see the real me. I still don't like him, he is frustrating and far too clever sometimes along with arrogant but..."

I paused removing myself from the alcove and casting Harry's face once again in light. I wanted him to see my expression, to see the loathing and disgust on my face.

"But he defended me when you didn't and you nearly killed him".

With that I walked quickly to class leaving him to stand looking like a wounded animal behind me while all I wanted to do was kick the life out of him.

The classes dragged after that; I kept my head turned away from Harry at all times and when Ron joined us in History of Magic just after lunch I struggled not to leave the room in protest.

Harry grinned when he saw him and they sat together whispering conspiratorially and glancing over at me every so often like the silly idiots that they were. My fingers were stiff by the time class was over from gripping the desk so hard in my fury.

Slughorn's detention at 5pm meant that I had half an hour to grab something to eat and it really was more than enough time. I couldn't get out fast enough and I watched as Blaise and Pansy headed up the Grand staircase towards the Hospital Wing as I headed towards the dungeons for detention.

"Hermione", his voice sounded resigned, like he knew I wouldn't give him the time of day but I decided, instinctively, that to turn to him would be the last thing he would expect.

"Yes Ron?"

It worked; he blinked several times struggling to compose himself before finally speaking.

"I'm sorry about...you know; I don't know what came over me. I can't believe that I hit you". He looked sheepish but I wondered how long Harry had had to talk to him to get him to speak to me.

"Make you feel big to hit a girl did it?"

"No, I think...I'm not sure what I was doing. I think I meant to just call you on what Malfoy had said but all of a sudden...I just saw red and I don't really even remember doing it".

"I don't think this is a very good apology. I wonder how your mother would feel if I wrote and told her about it."

"You wouldn't, would you?"

"Would you hit me again if I did?" I retorted angrily moving away from him towards the dungeons.

"Please, wait", he grabbed my elbow and I roughly shook him off.

"Don't touch me".

"Look, I'm sorry. I can't believe I did that. I don't hit girls; I never have you know that. Ask Lavender even if you don't believe me".

"Oh yes, what a fun conversation", I mimicked an enthusiastically mocking tone, "Hey Lavender, you know how I'm Ron's ex-girlfriend and he cheated on me for you well...anyway that isn't important has he ever hit you?"

I glared at him, "Honestly, I don't know why I'm surprised that she is still with you. I guess I held out hope for her having some sense".

"Hermione..."

"I would have gone anywhere with you, I would have done anything you asked me to before you dumped me. My love for you was combined with absolute obedience but at the time I couldn't see that. To know it now makes me feel sick. You make me feel sick".

"That isn't fair", he said firmly. "I don't hit girls, I'm not like that".

I nodded but the words that came with it shattered his hopeful face. "You keep telling yourself that and you'll tell yourself that the next time you hit a girl and the time after that but it will never be true. You will always have this warped idea that what you're doing is right and that by saying you can't even remember it will always make it okay".

"I feel sorry for Lavender, she will get the shock of her life when you eventually raise your hand to her, I only wish I could be there to see it".

Ron's face fell as my words hit home, "You could always be so nasty when you wanted to be".

"Yes I guess I could but somehow, I think I'm justified right now", I turned to go but then decided I wasn't quite finished. "You know what I'm sorry for though?"

"What?"

I slowly turned my back and moved away from him throwing the retort nonchalantly over my shoulder.

"That Malfoy didn't hit you hard enough to kill you".

I didn't wait to see his response but I was pleased I had finally had the chance to tell him exactly what I thought of him. It made me feel good to say cruel things when I knew they were deserved. It didn't make me as bad as Ron...did it?

I shrugged off the feeling and arrived at Slughorn's door. I walked in wordlessly and after he had asked me if I was sorry for what I had done four times with no response, he gave me the task of scrubbing all of the desks.

I scrubbed all of my anger and hatred out on those desks until they shone. When I had finished, he once more attempted to elicit an apology from me. When I refused to speak or even meet his gaze, he dismissed me with a disappointed sigh and a wave of his hand.

My thoughts had moved on.

That was why when I found myself standing outside the hospital wing well after visiting hours and the 9pm curfew, I struggled to go in.

I wasn't sure if I could face him yet; if I could talk to him candidly and without reserve.

I took a deep breath, pushed open the door and glanced around for Madam Pomfrey.

She didn't appear to be nearby and I knew that I didn't care if she came in and caught me here anyway; what difference would it make now?

When I came to his bed, I gasped.

Malfoy was sitting up in bed expectantly, his naked torso covered in bandages, appraising me coolly but with such an obvious look of relief in his normally strong demeanour that it took my breath away.

The moonlight highlighted his translucent skin and rendered his blonde hair platinum as it fell into his eyes in just the right way.

"There you are", he said candidly. "Finally, I've been waiting for you".

I felt faint.