Chapter Fifteen
Everything we choose
"In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are"- Jodi Picoult
"You're awake?"
It was the only thing I could think of to say as I clutched the nearest bedpost for support and willed the fainting spell to pass. The words sounded so stupid, so juvenile in my mouth that I cringed inwardly. I had almost wished he had been asleep.
He smirked but for once it held no malice just pure amusement; his eyes positively twinkled with it and it made the grey steel of them seem less...less frightening somehow.
"I think that is what they call the state when your eyes are open and you are fully conscious so yes, I suppose I must be awake". He chuckled nonchalantly and shook his head slightly at the absurdity of my question.
"I see you've lost none of your sarcasm", I said sardonically, inwardly relieved to find that his treatment of me had not changed. I didn't think I could cope with any sentimentality when all I needed now was a lack of unnecessary bullshit.
"It suits me, what can I say", he shrugged before frowning. "However, I can also deduce from your statement that you spoke to Pansy".
I finally took a seat in the chair next to his bed and flattened out my skirt before answering; anything to still my trembling hands.
"She said you hadn't come around; that's what took me so long to come and see you", I was just able to choke the lie out.
"Don't insult me Granger, we both know that isn't true", he glared at me and I dropped my gaze and muttered a quick apology to which he nodded and his expression cleared again. "Did Pansy say anything else?"
"Just that this wouldn't have happened if I had stayed away. She was really upset actually. Like, devastatingly upset", I met his eye and felt as if I was almost scolding him for making her feel that way.
"Ugh, drama queen. I didn't relish the thought of speaking to her; to be honest I couldn't trust talking to any of my lot until I'd spoken to you. I've been awake for hours; do you know how boring that is? Pansy kept prattling on about... well I don't even know because I fell asleep".
He smirked lowly, raising himself up in the bed and allowing the covers to fall further down his naked torso which I tried to avoid looking at. It was of course impossible, his perfectly lean but strong physique was enticing; it was a seeker's build, light and quick but with the unmistakable hint of muscle that I loved.
"Why did you have to pretend to your friends though?" I said eventually averting my gaze from his abdomen and back to his face.
"Because speaking with them would convince me not to speak to you and as much as I don't care to admit it, it is time to talk to you about everything. I nearly died today and I could have slipped away so easily", his tone changed dramatically as he spoke and he looked, not at me, but out of the window opposite his bed where night had truly settled onto the grounds.
"Nobody would care particularly, well my mother would, and nobody would ever know why I was even on this earth. So, I figure, I need to tell someone; to leave a mark of some sort so that when I do die there is at least one person alive who knew what was going on. One person who knew that I wasn't a complete shit", he smiled sadly.
"I would have cared if you'd died. You know that", I whispered, refusing to meet his gaze but determined to be honest with him.
"I don't think I would have appreciated that statement before but through the thick fog that is now my memory of the incident, I think I vaguely recall being horrified at just how frightened you were. I don't think anyone has ever cared that strongly about me before that wasn't family".
There was nothing sentimental about his statement. His expression was open and honest and I wondered, if under normal circumstances, what it would cost him to speak to me so freely; it probably went against everything he had been taught to do, hide your emotions and say nothing like a good Malfoy.
I coughed awkwardly, really unsure what to do and yet somehow hurt for him that I was the first one to show him what it meant to care that deeply.
"Are you angry at Harry?"
He looked at me with raised eyebrows, "Obviously, but I have a feeling that you were angry enough for both of us".
I gave a small nod of confirmation to which he smiled, "Thought so".
"Anyway, let's not detract focus from right now what happened with Potter is over; let's not waste our breath on him. We have a lot to get through and only a small window to do it. Night time brings out the best in me I think", he smiled openly now and I really saw his face. The slight crinkling of his eyes at the corners made my heart stutter and his perfectly, almost unnaturally white teeth dazzled me.
"It seems to", I replied remembering that all of our moments of candour usually occurred at night in the Astronomy tower.
His thoughts matched my own when he said; "Even though this isn't our usual meeting place, I think we can make it work".
He fell silent then and I bit my tongue to stop myself from speaking. This would have to happen at his pace, not mine.
"I got branded on my sixteenth birthday; did I ever tell you that?"
I shook my head because obviously we had never talked about anything to do with his life outside of school but he wasn't looking at me. He was telling the story; all I had to do was listen.
"It was a hurried sort of affair. Usually, there is a lot of pomp and ceremony but not this time and that should have been my first clue that things were...off. At the time, I just thought of how important I was after father's disaster at the Ministry. I thought he was giving me a place above my father but it wasn't like that. It was revenge and it seemed I was the only one too blind to see that".
I pictured how proud he would have been, how arrogant and self-assured.
"It hurt like...I can't describe how much it hurt just talking about it is...horrific. By that evening, I had literally torn my room apart. I broke the bedposts; I smashed my mirror, tore apart my curtains and kicked the legs off of several chairs. I felt like I was going mad and in a way, I guess that is what it was".
"Then, when I had eventually calmed down and I thought things couldn't get any worse, suddenly there you were in my head".
I couldn't help the small intake of breath that came with his words and he turned to look at me, his young face so drawn and serious.
"I don't know what you were doing there. You just, appeared. I pictured you on the last day I saw you before all of that stuff at the Ministry. You were laughing with those two idiots in the Great Hall and you seemed so happy. I remember feeling jealous of you at the time but this memory was different. I hadn't conjured it out of resentment or bitterness or even malice, my mind had created it as a distraction. That was something new for me in relation to you altogether".
He shifted on the bed slightly, getting more comfortable and wincing at the pain.
"I was so angry at all of you when father failed at the Ministry but...you were the first thing that made my mark seem...bearable. I was disgusted that it had to be you".
"I guess it's ironic, that a mudblood would make a mark about blood supremacy bearable", I said softly, unable to repress the words.
He frowned at me through the moonlight and I could tell he was annoyed I had spoken but not because I had interrupted; he was annoyed at the truth in my statement.
"Anyway, I started thinking about you more and more often in order to cope with the pain. Thankfully, I'm pretty good at Occlumency or everyone would have known what was going through my head. He, the Dark Lord, regularly rifles through our thoughts when he thinks we are unguarded. What he hasn't realised is that nobody is unguarded when he is around". Here Malfoy shuddered and I couldn't help but shudder with him at the idea that nothing was safe even in your own mind.
"I knew the Dark Lord was making me suffer but when he gave me the mission I also knew that he expected me to fail. Not only expects me to fail but wants me to, to make an example of me".
I struggled to contain myself at these words, I wanted to again ask him what he was doing, to know if it was going to harm the school but I had to stay silent; Malfoy would get there is his own time.
"I didn't take the unbreakable vow; he didn't need me to because he thinks I'll die anyway so what would be the point? I'm beginning to wonder if he hopes I'll talk about it so that I can be turned over to the Order and executed or something. Then you asked me if what I was doing would harm the school and the magnitude of it finally hit me because you're part of this school too. The answer is yes".
"What do you have to do?"
"That is your question?" He gazed at me incredulously, shifting his body so that it tilted across the bed towards me. "You're asking what I have to do not why I have to do it?"
"I know that most of us get a choice, you have a choice too. To do as you're told or face consequences and given Voldemort's history I doubt they include a slap on the wrist".
"He will kill my mother if I back out. I think he was going to use my father as leverage initially but right now that wouldn't exactly be motivation to succeed".
"This has something to do with all the time you've been spending in the Room of Requirement doesn't it?"
"Potter was following me since September then?" He smirked but he was a skilled equivocator.
I nodded, "Yes but he had no theories last time we spoke. He is still asking me to keep an eye on you and anything suspicious but everything about you is suspect. You've been losing weight, not sleeping and according to Pansy when you do sleep you scream".
"I forgot you overheard that argument. I'm fixing the Vanishing Cabinet; it has a twin in Borgin and Burkes".
"You're making a pathway but who would...Voldemort? No, not him, Death Eater's, you're bringing them into the school but you can't do that while Dumbl... oh my God, you have to kill Dumbledore".
Malfoy looked at me wide-eyed, surprised I think that I had reached the conclusion so quickly.
"That explains the necklace, the mead from Rosmerta that Ron drank before Christmas and why you've been the way you've been...then I was..." My mouth widened into an 'o' as I realised.
"A distraction, a good, sweet, ill-timed distraction", confirmed Malfoy nodding. "Being near you stopped me from just being a Death eater and a poor one at that, it allowed me to be a regular teenage boy with stupid teenage issues but I couldn't hide behind that for long. Cracks always start showing after awhile, I should have left you and Weasley alone but I couldn't. I couldn't exist in a world where someone like him gets to be with someone like you. I'm not saying I deserve anything because, well I'm pretty horrible given the things I've done but, well, I can't see why he should have everything either".
"You can't go on with this? I mean, you can't let the Death Eater's into the school Malfoy!" I was on my feet before I knew what was going on and my voice was rising in volume. "You hold the life of your fellow students in your hands and you're choosing to hand them over. People like me will be the first casualties Malfoy, don't you see that?"
"No, they are coming as witnesses and not that many of them. They are coming to see me kill Dumbledore that's all". He sounded tired and as if he was trying to convince himself that it was purely a spectator visit.
"How can you be so naive and believe that they won't hurt anyone?"
"Don't you see!" He shouted exasperatedly. "If I don't do this, we all die anyway! You think I'm the only one in this school loyal to him? You think there isn't one other person who knows about the cabinet? You think if I died the mission wouldn't be completed anyway? Nobody is indispensable in his world, there is always a back-up plan."
I paused, my eyes filling with tears, "Run away with me. We could leave. I know how to hide us. I could keep you safe. Or come to Dumbledore with me, he could help".
"No, no. I have to do this Granger. I'm sorry, but I have to. I don't have a choice".
"Yes you do and you're choosing wrong".
"I've seen what happens to people, who refuse to do what they are bid Granger, it isn't pretty. I've been on the receiving end of punishments before but this...this will be nothing like that. He will draw it out, make an example of me and that part makes this so much worse. I'm ready for that when it comes but I can't simply stop in the middle of this, call me a coward but if I do, he will murder my mother".
"If it was your mother what would you do?" He gazed at me pleadingly.
It took me a long time to answer because I didn't want to accept what he was telling me, didn't want to admit that he was right. In his position, I think most of us would have done the same thing.
"I would do whatever it took to keep her safe", I whispered sitting back down in the chair suddenly exhausted.
Malfoys face looked so worn as if all of the life and spirit was gradually seeping out of him and eventually there would be absolutely nothing left.
The tears that had been threatening to fall now broke free, "I'm sorry for crying", I managed to whisper. "I don't know how you're coping and here I am crying in front of you, which is just so selfish".
"You've helped Granger, trust me. Through all of this, you've helped. You've been the most expensive distraction I've ever had but I wouldn't change a thing".
He reached out a hand and tilted my chin up. I moved closer, close enough to see the resolve in his grey eyes just before his lips touched my own. I moved into his touch, it was sensual but passionate all the same as his lips moved against mine, my mouth opening at his command.
His hand cupped my face gently and I found myself moving to sit on the bed next to him, his other hand rested on my hip gripping it tightly as if I would slip through his fingers if he didn't. I put both of my hands in his hair; his soft, sleek hair.
I broke the kiss after a time, wondering if the feel of his lips would always give me the feeling of elation that it did, and rested my forehead against his, sighing contentedly at his touch.
"Are you going to tell Potter?"
He wasn't accusing, he was asking.
I knew I should tell Dumbledore not Harry. However, I wasn't so naive to think that Dumbledore didn't have some idea of what was going on.
Harry on the other hand, I could have easily said yes to Malfoy but I wanted to punish Harry for what he had done to Malfoy and I was blinded by this hate when I answered.
Call it the stupidest decision of my life, I certainly do. I could have helped, I could have gone to Dumbledore anyway, I could have made sure Malfoy was protected but none of those thoughts came to mind when he asked this question and gazed at me patiently waiting for an answer.
All I saw was the perfect opportunity to get back at Harry, to prevent him from being the hero everyone thought he was when it was him who had nearly killed Malfoy with dark magic, and shamefully I took it.
"No, I won't tell a soul".
I couldn't tell if Malfoy was relieved or disappointed in me.
"Thank you", he whispered but I wondered if he meant it. Had I just closed off his last chance?
I sighed and got up to leave, knowing that we were done, this moment was finished. I felt relief that it had finally happened even if all of the terrible things I had thought about Malfoy were actually true.
Malfoy was practically a murderer; first Katie Bell and then Ron, all in trying to murder Dumbledore and now he was going to let Death Eaters into the school to watch as he did it. Yet my heart was telling me not to give up on him, to not do what everyone else had already done and cast him off; resign him to his fate and act as if there was no saving him.
"When are they coming?"
"I don't know. I will protect you Granger, I swear". He stared at me hard as if making sure I believed him. "I will warn you before...before anything happens. I know that you risk everything with someone like me but I will do anything I have to for us both to survive. They aren't going to attack the school, they are coming to make sure I fulfil my duty and do not fail the way father did. They are coming to make sure Dumbledore dies one way or another".
He shrugged, "Do you know what it feels like to end up on a path you never wanted but now you've started you have no choice but to keep going?"
I nodded, "Yes I do". I was telling the truth; everything that had happened with Malfoy, everything that I had discovered about myself had set me on a course I could not turn away from. "But now I've become part of your path too".
He gave me a pained expression but I shook my head, "No Malfoy, it's too late, we're linked".
I turned and walked towards the door.
"Granger", he called. I turned to face him and saw he was once again leaning out of bed slightly. "You said that you thought you were...that you are falling for me...is that true? Did you mean it?"
I nodded simply and shrugged, "Yes I meant it but does it matter now?"
"It matters to me Granger", he sighed leaning back into the bed and gazing at the ceiling. "It's all I've got to hold on to".
I left and walked slowly towards the dorm feeling that now things had changed irrevocably but for the first time he had given me a clear insight into his life and I think I understood him better for it.
Malfoy and I were bound together and as much as I didn't want to believe it; getting intertwined with him meant holding his hand and walking to straight to hell together.
Funnily enough, the thought gave me comfort.
If I was going to get through this perhaps the best way to view it was with the knowledge that I was already dead.
Already dead, I shuddered.