Chapter Seventeen
Everything I am, I give to you
"Never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted"- Marilyn Monroe
His hands were rough but his lips were gentle against mine as he finally claimed me. His tongue tangled with my own as his hands roughly tore my nightgown away from my body; the tearing of silk made the fire rage inside me all the more. I pulled away, and as his eyes raked over my body, made to pull his t-shirt up over his head.
He grinned and eyed me hungrily, capturing my breasts in his hands and kneading them softly; the urgency suddenly dying down but the heat remaining.
"I want to relish this", he said huskily. "I want to remember every bit of you".
I nodded and leaned forward to press a kiss to his torso, revelling in his smooth skin against my lips. I flicked my tongue out and traced a line from his chest to his navel. He inhaled sharply and grabbed my shoulders forcing me to stand upright before taking one of my nipples in his mouth. He licked and sucked until my moaning became panting and the urgency returned.
I undid the button on his jeans and helped him to climb clumsily out of them; giggling at the absurdity of it.
I stepped out of his arms to better admire his body. His physique was much thinner than it had been but he was no doubt muscular. His skin was almost translucent in the moonlight and he positively glowed before me.
My breath was steady as he once again gathered me in his arms, claiming my mouth and entwining his tongue with my own almost savagely. His hands were everywhere, tracing patterns on my back, gently running up my arms and eventually reaching around and cupping my bum.
He pulled me to him and his erection pressed against me in the sweetest spot. He pulled his mouth from mine, breathing heavily and stared down into my eyes; his hunger and lust mirrored in my own.
"You are mine and after this you will always be mine", he growled, one hand wrapped around my neck keeping my forehead pressed against his, while his other hand trailed lower down my abdomen.
"Yours, yes", I panted as his hand touched me there, knowing just where to touch me.
His finger flicked my clit lightly, teasingly. "Say it", he said.
"Mmm..."
He flicked harder before forcing one finger deep inside me; the wetness in my core allowing him easy access.
"Say it", he growled pressing the heel of his palm against me and grinding it in.
"I'm yours", I panted. "Draco, please". My breathing was coming in short heavy gasps.
He began moving his finger treacherously slowly in and out of my core, using his thumb to rub circles on my clit.
I could not contain myself, I was going to topple over the edge but I was desperate to hold onto this feeling; this remarkable feeling of standing on the edge of a great abyss that I desperately wanted to fall into.
He removed his finger as I teetered forward slightly and I gasped at the loss of contact and almost in disappointment that he had not let me finish.
"You're a virgin", he said brushing a hair from my face.
I nodded, "Does it matter?" I was annoyed that he was wasting time with such a statement.
"No it doesn't, I want you to finish when I do. Not before".
He picked his wand up from where it had fallen out of his jeans and whispered a simple spell. My stomach glowed a soft pink; I didn't need to ask what he was doing. I just wanted him back.
"Come here", I growled.
He raised his eyebrows in amusement and incredulity at the tone of my voice but moved back towards me. I knelt in front of him and took his entire member into my mouth, swirling and sucking the tip until he positively groaned my name.
I smirked before getting once more to my feet.
"That was playing dirty", he grinned at me, pressing his hips into mine.
"I don't like to be bossed around too much", I grinned back.
I lay down on the cold floor and spread my legs to allow him access; knowing that the very sight of my wet core would be enough to have him straining to get to me.
He breathed heavily at the sight, "Are you ready for me?"
I nodded now suddenly a little nervous.
He positioned himself between my legs, using his elbows to raise his body from the ground and prevent crushing me beneath his weight. He was careful to turn his left forearm into the ground as much as possible where his mark would be hidden from me. I vaguely felt the empty eyes of the skull watching us and wondered if Voldemort would somehow know what we were doing.
He moved a hand down and rubbed it once against my clit, I moaned savagely all of the earlier heat returning tenfold; all thoughts of his mark forgotten.
"I think you're ready", he smirked before slowly filling me with every bit of himself.
I gasped at the pain and turned my face away from him. He clasped it gently and pulled it back, "Look at me", he whispered softly. "Tell me when you're ready and I'll move, not before".
I nodded and tried desperately to stop tears from falling but the pain was too much, I couldn't help it. His expression softened.
"I'm sorry", I whispered.
"Don't say sorry. Do you want to stop?" He asked concernedly, wiping my eyes and tracing a circle across my cheek.
I shook my head and began to slowly move my hips, trying to accommodate this rather large intrusion. When I thought I could stand it and my body had become accustomed to him, I raised my head. He took the hint and kissed me lightly and then harder, his tongue pushing into my mouth as his hips slowly began to thrust into me.
I moaned at the pain but held the kiss, desperate to see this through.
When I began to kiss him back hungrily, the pleasure finally pushing through the pain his thrusts became more urgent and furious.
He broke the kiss to let out a deep groan and I moaned his name over and over under my breath. He took one nipple in his mouth first and then the other, working the bud with his tongue before pulling back and looking at me fully.
His hair was stuck to his forehead as he worked harder and harder, pulling out and slamming back into me again and again until I could not bear it.
I raised my legs up to better allow him to hit my sweet spot and he went one better by pulling them up until they rested on his shoulders. I bit my lip to stop from screaming but could not help the odd one that slipped out.
"I'm...Draco I'm going to..." I blocked out everything as the rushing noise in my ears increased; in this moment there was me and him and a feeling that I wanted to last forever; that was all. It was enough.
"Come with me Hermione", he ground out closing his eyes as the feeling washed over him.
I toppled over the edge with him close behind me, he leaned down into the crook of my neck and I readjusted my legs trying to ignore the slight cramping that had already begun within them.
He kissed my neck, trailed his tongue across my collar bone before planting a soft kiss on my lips which I returned readily.
"You are so beautiful", he said so softly that I nearly missed it. He gently pulled out of me and rolled over, panting next to me, his hand thrown carelessly over my stomach; the gesture itself so intimate.
I wiped the hair from my face and tried to ignore the uncomfortable stickiness that now rested between my legs. I failed to stifle a giggle and he looked at me sharply.
"I'm not giggling about you, I'm just uncomfortable now. Would you take it as a personal insult if I cleaned myself up a bit...you know...down there?" I smiled at him and his face relaxed into a grin.
I took that to mean he didn't mind so I got gingerly to my feet and picked up my wand, casting a quick scourgify and hoping he hadn't seen the few spots of blood that had been on my thighs. I didn't want him to think I hadn't enjoyed it or to become fixated on the fact that he had hurt me. I wrapped my dressing gown around myself and sat next to him, preparing to fix my torn nightgown before deciding against it. I shoved it carelessly into my pocket.
"That dressing gown is entirely see-through", he said chuckling without opening his eyes.
I wrapped my arms around myself, blushing now but smiling at my sudden modesty.
"I should go back", I wrapped my arms around my knees and felt him stir next to me. He sat up and wrapped an arm around me pulling me close to him and burying his face in my hair; breathing in deeply.
"Let me memorise this moment", he whispered. "Let me create a memory from now".
I closed my eyes and sat still as he held tightly onto me, frightened that already this moment would begin to evaporate; would pour through my hands like sand or water while I was not ready to let go. Already the heat was receding when barely minutes before we had been connected as one.
Then he got up and the moment was broken; I could tell he was removing himself from the situation before it got to be unbearable. It was almost painful to know that when we returned to reality; we would forget this moment as everything else took hold.
He turned and I saw several scars crisscrossed along his back, some had clearly been deep and others were red and recent. I wanted to kiss every single one of them but now was not the time.
He pulled his t-shirt and jeans on and only then did I realise he wasn't wearing shoes or socks; he shrugged when he saw me looking. "I like the cold against my feet".
"Me too", I whispered, wrapping my arms tighter around myself. "What happens now?"
"You do what I've asked, tomorrow you find Potter. I'll give you a few days and then..." He trailed off and stared at the ground.
"Then..." I whispered looking up at him.
"Then we'll see", he finished lamely. He rubbed a hand through his hair. "Can I ask you something?"
"Hmm..."
"What is it about me that you...that you like?"
I got to my feet, pondering my answer all the while. He had deliberately avoided saying love and I was grateful to him for that. He had asked me not to tell him how I felt and equally I think showing him had been the only logical thing I could do.
I crossed my arms and frowned at him. "I don't know, you are the epitome of everything I should hate. There is something that I can't pinpoint that draws me to you. Maybe one day I'll figure it out and I'll tell you".
"It's funny, your answer is diplomatically vague but my answer if you'd asked me that question would have been exactly the same". He shrugged and smiled.
"I've always said you've been consistent in your treatment of me", I smiled. "There has never been any pomp or ceremony, you've never been sentimental and that is probably why I trust you like I do. If you take the time to say something I know you mean it".
"You've always talked too much", he grinned. "Sometimes I have to wade through it to find an actual meaning".
"I'll try not to be offended by that", I said lowly.
"You can be offended if you want to be, to be offended is a choice". He shrugged simply and I saw Malfoy again, not Draco but Malfoy; the arrogant boy who doesn't like to be argued with and who hates to be wrong. The kind of boy who will never apologise and who will start an argument for the sake of it instead of admitting something is troubling him.
I shrugged not willing to get into an argument with him while the room was still heady with our love making but knowing that the boy Malfoy was and the man he would become would always hold an appeal for me; I would always return to him.
I wondered if he looked at me and saw pretty much the same qualities in me as were in him. Perhaps that was why so many months ago he had said; you are everything I am.
"I'd better go back to bed. Wait a few minutes before you go, won't you?" He tired and slightly drawn now, the weight of reality settling back on his shoulders. Would it ever get easier?
I nodded. "I'll see you around".
"I'll see you tomorrow Granger", he smiled sadly and turned away.
"Is that it?" I said incredulously.
"Yes Granger, that's it", he said it without turning around but I knew the steel mask would have returned to his face. I'm not sure what I wanted from him, a hug? A kiss? A final lingering touch that told me everything would be alright?
I should have known that I wouldn't get any of that from him. He didn't know if everything would be alright, why should he try to reassure me when it would be nothing but lies? He didn't know if our actions of tonight would ever be repeated no more than I knew if I would still care about him if he killed Dumbledore.
"Goodnight", I said eventually knowing that any act of sentimentality now would have been false; for both of us.
"Goodnight", he left quickly, probably worried that I would say something that would make it impossible for him to leave.
I turned to the window and let the cool breeze wash over me; whispering the words into the darkness that I had wanted to say to him before he left but knowing that I couldn't.
"Everything I am, I give to you", the words felt cold on my lips but when they were out I felt better. It was as close to telling him that I loved him without going through the torture of saying them to his face.
If I had known what was to happen, perhaps I would have done things differently. If I had known how much I would come to both hate and love him until I felt like I was being torn in two; perhaps I would never have given myself to him.
But I didn't know it and for that night, the last for several months, I was calm.