Chapter Eighteen
Everything you possess
"Possessiveness is a frightening prospect in people who are in love; it means that part of them fear losing you and part of them fear not owning your heart"- Me
You can do this.
No, I really can't.
Of course you can, with only three exams left he will probably welcome your friendship back.
What if he doesn't?
He will.
He hasn't come near me so if he really wanted my help; wouldn't he have tried to make amends with me?
He is probably frightened about what you might say; your last words with him weren't exactly friendly.
Are you stalling because you know that the second Malfoy thinks you are settled and protected he is going to...
I don't want to think about it.
You might have to.
"Shut up", I said harshly realising too late that I'd spoken aloud given the startled faces on the first years walking around me as they made their way into the Great Hall.
I'd been standing on the threshold of the hall for several minutes, an internal war raging inside my head as I watched Harry chat animatedly with Ron. He was eating and reading the prophet at the same time, occasionally offering a comment to whatever Ron was babbling about.
I felt a surge of annoyance and quickly quashed it; I couldn't let Ron override the importance of why I was about to swallow my pride and make up with Harry. I wondered if by ignoring Ron, Harry would even consent to speak to me.
I knew Malfoy had been watching me carefully for as long as I'd been standing here; his eyebrows were raised in amusement and possible irritation at my reluctance. I was still sore from the night before but the slight discomfort gave me pride not guilt. I was glad I had given myself to him and I was pleased that I had finally experienced what I knew the majority of other girls my own age only talked about.
It gave me a deep and not altogether unpleasant satisfaction to know that I was ahead in sexual experience as well as intelligence compared with the rest of the student body. I smirked; Malfoy's arrogance really had rubbed off on me.
My smirk fell when I realised Harry and Ron had stopped talking to look at me. Indeed, a few people were now watching me as surely at least eleven or twelve minutes had passed. I glanced over at the Slytherin table and watched as Malfoy motioned with his head for me to get on with it; rolling his eyes at my reticence.
I noted with glee that there was a cleared plate in front of him; his appetite was returning then; the triumph over fixing the cabinet actually outweighing his coming task for once. I also hoped that perhaps he was just as pleased with our antics last night as I was and this had somehow led to his increased appetite.
I sighed knowing that while Harry was with Ron, I couldn't talk to him. I didn't want to give Harry false hope that one day I would forgive Ron for what he had done; it just wasn't going to happen. Well, to give myself some credit; forgive perhaps but forget? Never.
I sat at the edge of the Gryffindor table finally, turning my back on Malfoy who clenched his jaw angrily in protest at my lack of progress, and chose instead to focus my irritation on my bowl of porridge, digging my spoon in and swirling it around angrily.
Why do I have to do this?
You know why.
I pushed the bowl away, not even remotely hungry and decided to leave.
"Hermione?"
I turned quickly in my seat, genuinely surprised that somebody was speaking to me. I was so used to silence these days.
"Are you alright?" Luna watched me concernedly, her face devoid of judgement or malice, she was actually asking.
I smiled, unconsciously crossing my legs, "You know, I am actually". I paused but decided it couldn't hurt to tell her. "I was trying to get the courage to go and speak to Harry".
Her face broke into a wide grin, "That's wonderful news, he really misses you."
My heart ached a little at her words and the smile fell from my face, "Really?"
"Yea, he was talking about the exams yesterday and he mentioned your name and suddenly went silent; the light dimming slightly in his eyes. Like he remembered you were no longer in his life and at the end of the day, for nothing really".
I inwardly growled at her words; for nothing really. It was okay for him to keep his part in what had happened to Malfoy a secret as long as it was convenient. I wondered briefly how they would all feel about them if I told them what he had done. In the same instance of wondering, I knew that they would forgive him. My betrayal over becoming closer to Malfoy was far more treacherous.
"Eh...yea", I coughed awkwardly trying to quell my anger before it began to seep into my expression. "I think I'll talk to him later".
"Ron and Ginny miss you too".
That did it.
I smiled sardonically and removed myself from the bench, standing to my full height in front of her.
"Ginny and I may be able to salvage something eventually, Ron can go to hell".
"That isn't like you to..." She began her face dropping.
"To what? To not forgive the boy who broke my heart and then actually hit me? No, that is exactly like me. Thanks for the words of encouragement with Harry though. You've always been a good person and this world certainly needs more of you but I wish I could improve your insight which is decidedly lacking. See you later Luna", I nodded stiffly at her and moved away.
I might be about to speak to Harry but I certainly wasn't about to let people forget that the person they were still getting used to was who I'd been all along.
I made my way to the library, three exams left; Defence against the Dark Arts, Herbology and Potions and I could have cared less.
The potions assignment involved brewing whatever potion we wanted to and while I wanted to brew liquid luck, it had to be something I could make the day of the exam and not wait months for it to brew properly.
I had decided on a potion called Pax. The descriptive passage had told me without a doubt that it was the right one to brew.
Pax, Latin for Peace, enables the drinker to find internal peace and clarity of mind. Upon drinking, the user will feel the calming effects of the potion take hold, enhancing brain capacity and increasing blood flow. Not only will the drinker be able to think clearly; they will be able to solve problems and current predicaments without the added stress of anxiety. The drinker will simply, know what to do as soon as inner peace takes hold. The effects will last depending on the amount ingested.
Warning: If brewed incorrectly potion may cause internal bleeding.
I figured a clear head would have solved so many of my problems even just a few weeks ago and surely that would only score me extra brownie points. I had found the potion in an old textbook hidden deep amongst the dusty shelves in a forgotten part of the library.
I had an idea just then, a spark of intuition and put the book to one side with a piece of parchment where I wrote the word Harry in block capitals.
I worked peacefully for about an hour until Harry appeared, alone thankfully. I stood and caught his eye as he scanned the room clearly looking for someone, motioning for him to come over. He seemed shocked and for a moment I thought he wasn't going to come but gratitude permeated his features as the dominant emotion and he slowly walked towards me.
"Hermione, I..."
"Have you ever heard of this potion Harry?"
I slid the book over to him; he blinked at me once and then twice before looking down.
He nodded, "I think so, there was something about it in our textbook?"
"Yes, I thought so to but it was just a footnote in the Advanced Potion Making but I was wondering if, in your copy, there was anything else mentioned?"
His eyes fell as he realised that I was referring to the very book that had almost caused the death of Malfoy.
"I'm not sure but...I don't have the book anymore".
It was my turn to look surprised, "You gave the book to Snape?"
He looked guilty, "Not exactly".
"What does that mean?"
"It means I put it in the Room of Requirement where nobody would find it".
I bit my tongue, desperate to keep the lines of communication open and not wanting to slam them shut in his face once again. "Could you find it again? I mean, would you know where to look?"
He looked away from me and became suddenly interested in his feet.
I closed my books and began packing my bag, "I thought so; will you show me?"
His gratitude at my speaking to him outweighed how much he didn't want to show me his book. The book I was so against, the one that had possessed the spell that had almost killed Malfoy and I needed to see it.
The walk to the Room of Requirement was done in absolute silence but Harry stole glances at me every few minutes as if to remind himself that I was really there.
I paused at the tapestry of the dancing trolls and waited for Harry to walk up and down three times. The door appeared, "What do you think about?"
Harry pulled open the door and gestured for me to go inside, "I think about the room of hidden things".
The room was enormous and that in itself was an understatement. The sheer capacity filled me with awe and admiration for the magical world this was only tempered by the fact that it was filthy and full of junk.
"How does anyone find anything in here?" I whispered in reverence.
"People who hide things in here know where to look I suppose", Harry shrugged grinning at my awestruck face.
I turned and smiled at him and suddenly it was months ago and we were the friends we had always been before everything.
"Come on, it's not far down here". He led me through the labyrinth of corridors, showing me the markings that he had made on the wooden shelves a H to tell him to turn right and a P to tell him to turn left. I marveled at the quick thinking he must have had to do while Snape waited for him in the bathroom.
He paused in front of a large wooden and intricately designed cabinet frowning worriedly.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I..."
"What?"
"I left it on top of this cabinet which was covered in a sheet and I put an ugly troll statue and a weird headpiece thing next to it so that I would remember where it was".
I looked at the cabinet again, there was obviously no sheet over it; no troll statue and certainly no headpiece.
"Somebody's moved it?"
"But who would move it, who would have cause to come in here unless they were searching for something they needed but then why would they need a broken vanishing cabinet and why would they need to move my things?"
The breath caught in my throat and I felt my legs begin to give way beneath me just as Harry turned.
I heard him sigh in relief, "There it is". His voice seemed so far away like I was listening to him through several walls of concrete. "Are you alright?"
I was leaning against a table trying to refocus my eyes. I blinked rapidly as I felt Harry's hands upon my shoulders pulling me properly to my feet.
I stared at him but I couldn't see him, all I could see was the cabinet looming menacingly over us; the one Malfoy had spent months fixing and the only object that threatened to tear us apart.
"Hermione?"
Eventually, Harry's face came back into focus and the sound of blood rushing through my ears eased.
"Yes", I half-gasped. "I just had a weak, fainting spell. Lack of breakfast, you know". I moved out of his grasp and tried to look away from the cabinet. "Did you find it?"
"Yes, here it is" he handed it to me carefully, "Please put it back when you've finished with it. Will you remember how to get here?"
I nodded mutely suddenly filled with the overwhelming impulse to tell him everything. "Harry...the cabinet...I have to tell you someth..."
"Shh", he whispered, "Someone's coming".
Sure enough, I heard the footsteps growing closer. Harry dragged me behind the table I had been leaning against only moments before and we crouched down just as a figure rounded the shelves in front of us.
My blood ran cold at the sight of Malfoy. Harry glanced at me confusedly and I tried my best to mirror his face but I failed miserably so I shrugged instead as if to imply that I had no idea what he was doing here.
I didn't in truth, he had fixed the cabinet and was waiting for me to tell him I'd become friends again with Harry so why come back here? Why return to the place that had caused him such anguish these past few months?
Malfoy leaned both palms against the cabinet doors and rested his cheek against the wood so that his face was turned away from us, breathing heavily. Without warning, he moved back and punched the cabinet ferociously and repeatedly until the blood ran from his knuckles and his breath came in hulking great gasps. His face was a mixture of raw fury and agony such as I had never seen before; I knew then that his expression would haunt me forever.
I shrank back further into the shadows, terrified at the sight of this angry, violent Malfoy that was in such stark contrast to the man who had kissed me and made love to me only last night.
Harry flinched with each blow and I saw the sweat beading on his brow as he tried to imagine the torment coursing through Malfoy's veins that would prompt such violence.
Malfoy sank to his knees when his punches lost their ferocity and his shoulders heaved with his breathing. For a brief frightening moment I thought he was laughing before realising with a cold sinking feeling that he was, in fact, crying.
"Please let her forgive me, tell me she'll still love me when this is all over", he breathed through his angry tears, his voice full of pain as he forced out every word.
"Don't let her leave me", he ground out, slamming one last fist into the cabinet. "Make her understand I have to do this, make her see it's the only way".
Harry turned to look at me but my face was too horror-struck to notice him; Malfoy's monologue was both for me and intended never to be heard by me. The icy cold feeling spread throughout my bones and deep into my blood but it was his last words that chilled my very heart.
His tears were drying now but his face was still tortured as he looked up at the cabinet and viciously ground out his last words.
"She said it herself that we were linked, in this together to the bitter end. She'll hate me but a part of her will still love me and that is the part that will keep her with me. From now until the end of time we will always be drawn to each other".
"She's mine and she doesn't get to just leave".