Chapter Nineteen

Everything I regret

"Life is nothing but choices and regrets. The problem is regret only comes after it is already too late"-Jason Weatherton

Harry and I stayed on that cold, marble floor for several minutes after Malfoy had left. The evidence of his visit was still glaringly obvious as the dent marks in the cabinet proved. He had taken several deep albeit shaky breaths straightened his back and tie and walked steadily away from us about ten minutes ago.

I couldn't look at Harry; I couldn't bear to see the confusion and growing questions in his face. I just stared straight ahead of me, beyond the room, beyond Harry, beyond everything and tried to pinpoint the exact moment I had walked defiantly into this mess.

I had started this, I had asked Malfoy to create a rumour and now I was stuck here; waded in so deep that I could no longer turn back.

Eventually, Harry stirred beside me. "I need to go Hermione, Ginny will be wondering where I am".

"You were supposed to meet her in the library weren't you?"

I finally turned my face towards him and I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding when I realised he wasn't questioning me and his stare wasn't accusatory. He was looking at me sympathetically, like he felt sorry for me.

"I'm only now beginning to see exactly what he means to you and even more so; what you must mean to him".

I frowned slightly the memory of what he had done to Malfoy bubbling to the surface but recalling what Malfoy had asked me to do I quashed it down.

"Better late than never I guess", I replied making to stand since my legs had actually fallen asleep.

I brushed down my skirt, avoiding his gaze.

"Look Harry, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about what you saw."

"I wasn't planning on it", he replied. "We weren't even meant to see it and in my mind that is enough to mean we didn't. It's a bit of a coincidence that he would come here though, to the very cabinet I had hidden my book on".

I closed my eyes, remembering the very reason for our visit and wondering if Harry would ever find out that in fact he had been the one to make it a coincidence by hiding his book on the very cabinet Malfoy was fixing.

I shrugged and didn't reply, I mean what was I going to say?

I held my hands out for the book that Harry had picked up from the floor.

"I'll bring it back here when I'm finished", I said, beginning the slow walk out of the room but pausing to glance once more at the now dented cabinet which bore the blood from Malfoy's hands.

The walk back was made in absolute silence but I knew that I was definitely on the right track to having Harry back in my life. We had reached a level of understanding I previously hadn't thought possible but it was Malfoy who had made it so.

"I'll see you at lunch I guess Harry", I said turning and trying to smile.

"Hermione, are we okay?"

I gripped the book tightly in my hands, watching his hopeful expression and trying so hard to quell down any insults or bitter words that were currently swirling around my brain, dancing on the tip of my tongue. I swallowed loudly.

"No Harry, but we will be", I smiled and tried to ignore the crack in my voice as I spoke.

He smiled with relief and turned away, whistling softly as he went as if the one thing that had gone badly in his school career was resolving itself.

I watched his retreating back for some minutes before realising that my hands had gone numb with my vice like grip around the book.

I sighed and turned away, determined to return to the library and distract myself further through my books; a coping mechanism but one that worked for me nonetheless.

I hoped I wouldn't see Malfoy and I didn't but I did have the misfortune to run into someone else; a very gleeful looking Pansy.

"Ah Granger, there you are", she smiled smugly at me. "I've been looking for you".

"Why on earth would you be looking for me?" I continued walking. It was funny; Pansy really hadn't featured much in my descent into depravity and subsequent arrival into Malfoy's arms. Our exchange weeks ago when the rumour first began felt like another world. I had often wondered if Malfoy had basically just threatened her to stay away from me.

"I wanted to tell you the good news", she said practically skipping along beside me.

"I doubt anything that you consider good news is worth my knowing about", I said violently hoping she would just leave or accidentally trip and knock out all of her teeth in her delirious state. I would have been happy with either situation.

"Malfoy and I are back together".

I faltered but determinedly kept walking; I didn't want her to know the effect those words were currently having on me.

My tumultuous emotions couldn't really take another blow so I tried to temper this one by feigning disinterest.

"Oh yes? What wonderful news. I'm happy for you", I drawled sardonically.

She was still grinning like a Cheshire cat so I knew there was more to come. I tried to brace myself, I really did but in the end...well...I just couldn't.

"He has proposed".

I punched her.

Right in the nose, her blood came spurting out in quick heavy bursts and she screamed falling in a heap on the floor before I had time to even compute the fact that I had actually hit her.

Harry's book was still encased in my left hand but now my right was balled into a fist, speckles of Pansy's blood clear across my knuckles.

I rolled my eyes at her dramatic display on the floor, "Oh for fuck sake".

I pulled out my wand, shoved her hands roughly out of my way to which she screamed again and fixed her nose with one quick flick of my wrist. I cleaned the blood from her face after she had stopped squirming away from me.

"Oh stop snivelling will you, you're a Slytherin you're supposed to be used to violence right? I've seen your bruises more than once and if you're capable of hurting yourself then this can't have hurt very much".

I shoved her away from me when I had finished, looking about me to make sure there were no teachers. A few students had stopped to watch the show but most of them seemed rather uninterested; it was Pansy after all.

The majority of students were away studying anyway so I was thankful for once that exam season had started.

"Get up", I said harshly. "I didn't mean to hit you".

Eventually she crawled to her feet and I began to understand Malfoy's disdain for her antics. It was such a dramatic display; she heaved herself from the floor like I had hit her with seven rounds of the cruciatus curse.

"I just wanted to share the good news", she snivelled but her grin slowly returned.

"No, you wanted to rub it in my face like the vindictive bitch that you are but hey at least you are pretty transparent about how horrible you are. It's sort of refreshing in a strange way; I know exactly where I stand with you".

She watched me carefully trying to see if I was insulting her and then realising that I actually wasn't really, her brow furrowed as she tried to work out the hidden agenda behind my words.

"There is no double standard in what I said don't strain yourself, you'll give yourself a brain haemorrhage. Now that was an insult, see the difference? Good luck to you and Malfoy, I have nothing further to say to you".

I refused to even think about what she had said about Malfoy; I was done jumping to conclusions about every little rumour and seemingly innocent statement until I got it direct from the source. I would speak to Malfoy myself and figure out what the hell was going on and what the hell had changed since last night.

I took my seat back in the library, thankful that nobody had tried to claim my spot and my bag was still neatly in its place. The only difference was there was a note, crudely stuffed underneath my school bag. Malfoy's scrawl was unmistakable.

Astronomy tower tonight, usual time.

I wondered if he had written it before or after his little meltdown in the room. Then I wondered if in fact he had written it after I had left with Harry.

I shook my head roughly, rubbing my hands through my hair and stuffing the note into my pocket. I would deal with it later, right now I had study to do.

My day was uneventful after that, as is what usually happened. I would experience some sort of drama and then everything would just move on. I didn't dread seeing Malfoy later, if I'm honest, I didn't really think about it until dinner when I saw him for the first time and my fears were sort of confirmed.

His arm was draped lazily over Pansy, he was joking and laughing with her like it was nothing. His friends all looked more relaxed in his company than they had been for the past few months. I knew that his wild mood swings would have exhausted them but equally frightened them as I was aware first hand of just how volatile and often violent Malfoy could be.

Like Pansy though, I knew he would never hurt me. At least not physically but I wondered if he knew the extent of the emotional damage he was capable of inflicting on me if he felt so inclined.

I was so invested in him now that the slightest hint of betrayal would ensure my heart cracked in more places than I knew how to fix.

In time I would come to realise that repairing my heart after Ron's betrayal had been easy but repairing the dents Malfoy had placed in it would be impossible.

I straightened my shoulders and walked over to Harry, taking a seat next to him without a word and pulling some dinner towards me.

I could almost feel Malfoy's eyes shifting towards me; it's like we were magnets destined to be constantly drawn to each other without any choice in the matter.

I deliberately kept my eyes away from him.

"Hermione, it's great to see you", said Harry. He looked across the table at Ginny and raised his eyebrows.

She breathed a small sigh, "It really is Hermione".

I smiled tentatively but knew it was insincere. It was just necessary.

"Hermione, are you free after dinner?" Harry suddenly whispered to me.

"Yes", I replied meeting his gaze with confusion.

"Those meetings with Dumbledore have been going on for awhile and I really want to talk to you about them. On Thursday..." He paused. "I won't tell you here but I will tell you that on Thursday, this Thursday, Dumbledore and I are leaving the school and going to a place where he thinks something important is hidden. I think something is coming and I want you all to be prepared so will you give me time to explain everything to you tonight?"

I nodded my mouth suddenly dry, Dumbledore was leaving the school just as Malfoy was preparing to bring Death Eaters into it.

I needed to tell Harry, I had to tell him what was coming.

I opened my mouth but again the image of Malfoy lying on the floor of Myrtle's bathroom loomed large in my head and I closed it again. I had promised myself I would make Harry pay for what he had done and why not do that by telling Malfoy to bring the Death Eaters to the school on Thursday at a time when its two most important occupants would be absent?

Harry and Dumbledore were looked up to by everyone and by abandoning the school in a time when security should have been at its highest would shame Harry so much. Especially since Dumbledore was only leaving the school for Harry in the first place.

Besides Dumbledore wouldn't even be here so where would be the harm? The Death Eaters would simply leave again when they discovered they couldn't fulfil their mission and Malfoy wouldn't have to kill Dumbledore; it would surely only buy us time.

My naivety didn't astound me; I made it sound so convincing inside my head that I believed it whole heartedly.

"Yes, tell me everything after dinner", I smiled and this time it wasn't insincere; I was going to make Harry pay by showing him up and also buy Malfoy time.

What could be better?

I was such a foolish idiot.