Choices in the Evening

Chapter 3. The Coffee Cart

As the door slammed shut in front of her, Brennan jumped slightly. She felt stunned, unable to move, unable to go after him. Her instincts had protected her from the man who was stronger than her, the man who could have so much power over her, and he was gone. Of course he was, she had said words to him but they had no meaning if she was afraid of him touching her.

Sighing, she felt that she was shaking a little. Trying to calm her nerves Brennan consciously tried to relax, focusing on muscles that felt tense, but it was no use. She was too wound up, too angry at herself and at Booth to unwind. What did he expect? For her to just forget, to let him back in just like that? He had wanted a quick fix for his heartbreak, he had gotten it, and now he wanted… What, exactly? Did he even know? She was confused, and her headache increased by the minute thinking about what had happened. She knew she wasn't afraid of him, she would never be. Always would she trust him to do the right thing. He had just been too overwhelming, there had been too much emotion in the air and she had subconsciously made a rational decision. Now that he was gone, she realized that decision might have cost her the 'easy fix' out of this situation she had hoped to find. Nothing was ever easy with them though, and Bones was not ready to give up on her partner. He was still her partner, that was the choice she had made, and he would have to accept that.

Having relaxed a little, she called him and left a voicemail. 'Booth, it's me. I'm not mad at you. And I'm not scared of you. I just wanted you to know that. I'll never be scared of you, you're a good man and I know that. Call me. Bye.'

It was short, but the truth, and she didn't know what else to say to him. She hoped he would actually call her, but she knew the chances were slim.

Deciding to take a bath she walked towards her bathroom, feeling wobbly on her feet. As she undressed in front of her big mirror she regarded herself, watching her naked body and again memories flooded her mind. They weren't the memories she had hoped to create during her first time with Booth, but she found good in them. The fact that she could still feel his hands on her body, feel his desire, his strength… Secretly it was something she had fantasized about. Like any woman, she had fantasies about the strength he possessed. And the fact that even in his drunken, out of his mind-angry state he had not hurt her one bit made her even more certain: Seeley Booth was a good man and nothing would change that, even if a thousand women broke his heart, he would still be the fool who believed in transcendent, eternal love and devotion. And he would keep on looking for it in her, even if he was rejected over and over again. She had always known that one day she would have to let him in, through the tough gate that was guarding her heart. However, without her knowing it, he had dug his own route around it, making his way to her heart and he had already gotten there. Her heart was his. And last night had done one thing for them: Both of them were never more certain of their feelings. Brennan was ready to stop running. However, on the other side of town, a man was ready to start.

Booth cursed hard as he left her apartment building and headed home. 'Fuck,' he spat, and again. He was so angry, mad at himself, but heartbroken to see Bones' reaction to him. He hadn't realized, he hadn't thought, and he had acted without thinking. It had been a natural, instinctual reaction, he knew that, but that was evidence for him. Evidence that there was something wrong between them. They weren't right anymore and he had broken them. He hated himself, and he had been down that path before, only now he had damaged the single most important thing in his life: His relationship with Bones. When he had met her years ago he had felt an instant connection. And then he had gotten to know her, the most beautiful personality in the most beautiful body, a brain to die for and energy that would keep him going until the end of days. And it had been an abuse of that energy that had brought him to this moment. She had found it a rational, normal decision that he had wanted to fuck her last night. He found it everything but. It had been wrong and he didn't know how to make it right.

Still furious and heartbroken he found his way back up to his apartment and into his living room where he finally let go. Tears filled his eyes as he sat down and leaned his face into his hands. From the corner of his eye he saw her name pop up on his phone which was on the table, but he ignored it. It went to voicemail. How could she call him? Her heart was too big, too accommodating, he had taught her that. Now he had ended up abusing it. He hoped she would be fine, in the end, when this was all over. She deserved so much more than he believed he could give her now. A future with Bones was now out of the question in his mind. And yet that had been what he had been envisioning for a few years now, and he even found himself guilty of thinking about Bones in his house during his relationship with Hannah. That was gone now, and his mind mourned that loss. He felt it sting deep inside, in a place that belonged to her and only to her.

After a while he calmed his brain down a little but his jaw was tense, his body was ready to crawl out of its skin. He decided to run it off, run as fast as he could until he could almost forget what he had done, and what she had said to him. His memories provided him with her sweet voice telling him it was ok, but he wished he could erase those moments from his mind because they only hurt him more. So he collected himself, changed into his running shorts and an old T-shirt and grabbing his phone he left. Running wouldn't fix anything, deep down he knew that. But he needed to do something, anything, to get rid of the tension.

He started running, calmly at first, his hangover impairing him slightly. This wasn't the best state to go running in, but right now it was the only thing he could think of. He decided to head towards the Lincoln Memorial, for some reason that could always clear his mind. There were many places in D.C. that reminded him of who he really was, and why he was that way, but the National Mall area and its surrounding U.S. history had been his anchor for a long time, since long before Bones had come into his life. Now, he felt like he had to go back to those places, the places he had shared late night coffees with her, where she had kissed his hand, where they had laughed and cried. Where they had promised to meet up again after a year of abstinence. Then, the universe had screwed with them, and now he had screwed it up himself. So what better place to come to terms with everything than the place where the seeds had been planted?

Booth knew he was running from his problems, running from her. But he couldn't think of anything else to do, so he increased his pace and decided to let all his frustration out on this run.

Across town, Brennan was sitting in her bathtub, unable to relax and uncertain of the future. She leaned her head back and consciously focused on the muscles that were still tense, trying to relax them one by one, trying to relax at all. Uncertainty wasn't something she was comfortable with, and Booth's actions had definitely brought on some questions for her. What was he thinking? How was he feeling, was he blaming her for anything? Slowly, she started to think that she should have stopped him. She had had the power, and even though she had questioned it last night, she knew he would have stopped if she had asked, even if he didn't think so himself. But she hadn't, and right now she was paying the price for that.

After a while she gave up on the bath, quickly washed herself and turned off the flow of water. Quickly drying herself she decided to call Angela and try to confide in her best friend, maybe Angela had some advice. Brennan didn't necessarily want to talk about what had happened, but she knew that she needed to. The longer she let Booth be alone, the more she let him beat himself up, the less of a chance she had of ever getting their friendship back. Because that was the most important thing, him, his friendship and his love, even if he wouldn't allow a physical relationship. The love was there, she knew it was.

Angela answered on the third ring. 'Brennan, hey, where are you? Booth called.' Brennan swallowed. 'Oh.'

'Yeah, he wanted to know where you were. I said I didn't know, did he get in touch with you? It sounded urgent.'

Brennan sighed. 'Yeah, he did. Ange.. Something happened, and I need to talk about it.'

'Something good? I heard Booth and Hannah broke up. That's a good thing right?' Angela sounded too excited for what Brennan was about to tell her.

'Angela, something bad happened. Well, not bad, but something unexpected. It shouldn't have happened, but it did, and I don't know how to fix it.'

'All right,' Angela answered, more serious now. 'Tell me, or do you want to meet up?'

'No,' Brennan answered. 'I can tell you like this. I went to find Booth after he and Hannah broke up, at the bar. He was drunk. I don't think I've ever seen him that drunk, Angela. And we drank even more before heading home. I didn't want to leave him alone so I decided to stay on the couch, he was so sad… But he… Well, we had sex and now he doesn't want to talk to me, he thinks I'm afraid of him, that it wasn't consensual. But it was and if it hadn't been I would have stopped him—'

Angela interrupted her. 'Whoa. You had sex with Booth? How? What happened? Why would he think it wasn't consensual?'

'Well, he kind of… He was rough. But not too rough, and I let him, I know he needed it. I think I needed it too. But it wasn't meaningful and beautiful like he describes it to me, and now I don't understand his behavior. I understand what happened and I am fine with it, but he seems to be unable to look past what happened.'

'Honey... Booth is not the kind of man who does that. Not anymore, anyway. Maybe a long time ago he was, but I think loving you has changed him. He probably feels terrible for taking advantage of you like that. Have you not talked at all? Did he try to call you?'

'He showed up at my apartment,' Brennan answered sadly. 'Then he tried to hug me after we talked a little but he was too quick, too close and I responded by retreating. I shouldn't have, I didn't want to, but it was instinctual and I couldn't stop him from storming out.'

'Oh my God, that's bad,' Angela answered. 'What did he say? Did he seem okay?'

Booth kept running until he ended up on National Mall, where he definitely wasn't the only man running off frustrations. Deciding to take a break and get a coffee at the coffee cart he headed in that direction, slowing his pace to a walk. His run had not cleared his mind, all he knew was that he had made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he would have to face Bones at some point. He wanted more than anything to get her forgiveness, but he knew he didn't deserve it. First, he needed to figure out why he had lost control like that, what part of his brain had reacted like it had and why, fix that part of himself before he ever even wanted to consider loving her again. Not that he had stopped. Images of her had been flooding his mind for a while now, making concentration an unobtainable goal with flashes of a naked Bones in his bed coming and going before his eyes. He knew he shouldn't fantasize, and he didn't try to, but somehow the taste he had gotten had made his mind and body realize that she was his soul mate even more than before. But she deserved so much more. The debate went on and on in his head, and he ordered a coffee before continuing to walk towards the benches that were situated behind the coffee cart, against a wall.

Then, his heart stopped momentarily as he saw two brunettes sitting on a bench in the distance. One was Angela Montenegro, artist. The other was unmistakably, undoubtedly, definitely Bones. He froze for a second. Then, his body decided to move before his mind gave consent. He walked slowly towards the bench, waiting for one of the women to notice him and decide for him if it was okay to approach. Bones looked over first, and after initial shock, she smiled weakly at him.

The two women had decided to meet somewhere where they could talk face to face, and they had been sitting on the bench for a while talking about how to move on. Bones felt better, calm and assured, where Angela looked shocked and nervous at the man that had joined them carefully. 'Hi Booth, wow, ok, what are you doing here?' she said. 'Stupid question, you're running, obviously. Well, ok, I'll leave the two of you alone then. Bren, call me, ok?' she said addressing her best friend. Brennan nodded. 'Yeah. Thanks, Ange.'

With that, Angela moved off quietly and quickly, dropping her empty coffee cup in the bin before disappearing around a corner. And then, they were alone.

'Look, Bones, I really… I don't think I'm ready to talk about what happened any more. I need time.'

Brennan nodded. 'I feel like I need time too, but not to recover from any of your actions. I need to learn more about my feelings, I think. They are unfamiliar to me, and I don't know if my actions last night benefitted us or not. It wasn't a bad thing, but it wasn't how I thought it was going to be either.'

Booth almost choked on his coffee. 'You thought about it?' She smiled shyly. 'You have too, I think. You have loved me for a while.'

He dropped his head. 'I have. And I'll keep doing that. But I don't see how this could work out. So friendship is all I can offer you, and it's going to have to be enough.'

She nodded. 'For now.'

'Bones..'

'Let's just... give this a chance. I'm willing to give this a shot,' she repeated his words from a year ago. 'I believe in giving us a chance.'

'Bones, right now I'm going to be the one who says I don't know how to change what happened. I don't know how. It should never have happened, I don't recognize the man who did that to you, and I need to change before I can consider becoming close with anyone again. I hurt you, and I should never have done that but it's done.'

Quietly, she put her head on his shoulder. His breath shuddered at the trust she showed in him.

'A year,' she said softly. 'Let's give it a year. Is that a good idea? You can figure out who you are and how to forgive yourself, I can try to learn more about love.'

Tears were in his eyes again but she didn't see them. She just heard his soft voice so close to her ear, although the emotion that was in his eyes was reflected in his voice. 'I do not understand how you keep seeing the good in me. I don't deserve this. But I will take it. Yes, it's a good idea, Bones.'

She smiled to herself. 'Ok. One year, and we meet again. Right here. We'll continue to work together, I'd like to stay friends, see how things go and in a year we move past this.'

Booth nodded. 'Yeah, we can be friends. I love being your friend. And it's safe, like working together.'

She smiled, a little uncertain now. 'Can I ask you something?' she said.

'Yeah, sure,' he answered.

'Can we get take-out at myplace if we're friends?'

His face broke into a fragile but happy smile. 'Yes, yes we can.'

They had some recovering to do, but somehow they would be fine. Because she was stronger than she knew, her heart bigger and more open, and somehow he would find a way to work around his own issues so he could be there for her. Because it was all he had ever wanted, and all he would ever live to do.