Chapter Twenty-Two
Everything we destroyed
"The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live"-Norman Cousins
It's dark.
That is the first thought that occurs to me when I realise I'm lying under some rubble.
I don't know how long I've been lying here all I know is that there is powder in my lungs, I'm coughing and the darkness is everywhere.
I can hear shouting, screaming, spells flying but I can't figure out where I am.
The only thing I can think of is the last time I saw Malfoy...
He pushes himself deep inside me, whispering as he goes that he loves me, that I'm his and always will be, that I'm marked now just as much as he is.
The words don't frighten me, the possession doesn't matter; I want to belong to him.
He kisses me deeply and thrusts harder and harder until we both scream in pleasure.
He rolls off me when we're finished and pants heavily and we both know something has ended and something much more frightening has begun.
I somehow find the strength to stand up knowing that I need to get to the Astronomy Tower, I need to get to Malfoy.
I grope blindly, throwing spells as I feel there are spells directed at me but the powder hasn't cleared yet and I can't see anyone or anything but I know the Death Eaters are here, I know they didn't just come, see that Dumbledore wasn't here and left.
But I had always known that this would happen; I did this. I told him to bring them here and I could have stopped this.
I push the thought away; right now the only thing I can focus on is finding Malfoy.
I feel my way along the wall, the powder eventually clearing from the air and my lungs and I breathe deeply wondering if the others are alright; they had jumped on us out of nowhere.
I find the stairs to the astronomy tower stairs and climb them quietly, my heart hammering inside my chest and my breath coming in short gasps; I'm nervous and terrified all at once.
I hear voices so I make the decision to move beneath the floors, I don't want Malfoy to see me; I don't want him to be angry that I'm here and I don't want to distract him.
That's when I see Harry, he is standing watching the conversation unfold above him and I turn my attention to it.
"I have to do this, don't you see? He'll kill my family, he'll kill me..."
"And your death may impact more than just your family Draco", Dumbledore's voice is light as if he was discussing the weather.
"Don't talk about Hermione...I can't think about her right now".
"Ah but you must Mr Malfoy, this is no longer just about you. She understands that you've never had a choice but right now, for the first time perhaps, you finally have a choice. Lower your wand and allow me to help you".
"I can't", said Malfoy his voice breaking slightly and I know that his resolve is also breaking, there is still a chance he'll stop.
"I have to do this", the sentence sounds much less convincing now and my heart leaps slightly as I think there may be hope for him.
I hear something behind me and I turn sharply, Snape is standing with his wand pointed at me and his eyes flicker past me and I know then that Harry has also turned around.
He puts a finger to his lips and then he is gone.
I turn to Harry who moves towards me his face is unreadable.
"You did this?" He whispers so low that I barely hear him; I do hear more people coming up the stairs now though and wonder who is joining Malfoy.
"Yes", I whisper and for the first time I worry about what his reaction will be.
"You tried to save Dumbledore by making them come when he wasn't here, you told Malfoy when to bring them", Harry's face breaks in relief and I want to slap him.
How can he still think I'm a good person after this?
The tears well in my eyes, "No Harry, no that's not it and you know it. Please when you realise what I've done, please realise why I did it".
I turn from him, shake out of his grasp and move away from the safety of the place below.
"Wait, please!" I shout, hoping to run to Malfoy but that was just too optimistic a thought.
Bellatrix grabs me before I can even make it three steps, Malfoy's eyes widen and for a moment his wand drops slightly.
"What are you doing up here filthy mudblood?" Bellatrix hisses in my ear. "Finish him Draco; I'll take care of this one".
"No", says Malfoy and for the first time ever possibly, Bellatrix's hold slackens in shock at his tone. "Give her to me". His voice is like ice; he puts his wand back up where it was and stretches out his left arm.
Bellatrix's grip tightens again, "Finish him first and then we will deal with her".
"She is mine", says Malfoy his anger now palpable and I have no idea how much of it is aimed at me. "If I do this, she is my reward. I get her and nobody else gets to touch her as long as there is breath left in me, now give her to me".
"Draco", says Snape warningly.
"Severus", says Dumbledore in a tone I can't quite figure out as if he is trying to convey so much more than what he is saying.
"Malfoy, I'm sorry", I say.
"Shut up", says Malfoy, "Give her to me or I do nothing". I realise he is bargaining for my life, he is going to kill Dumbledore in an effort to save me; what a terrible reason for me to live.
Bellatrix loosens her grip on me with a grunt and throws me forward, Malfoy catches me in one arm and takes one look at my face; he is pleading with me and I'm crying because I know he is asking for forgiveness but at this stage I don't know how I will be able to forgive myself.
"Draco", says Snape again moving forward, his wand pointed at Dumbledore.
"Severus please", says Dumbledore and my heart clenches because he sounds like he is pleading.
"Don't move", says Malfoy to Snape who stops in his track and falters; like he didn't quite see this working out this way.
"I want it stated now that she belongs to me, nobody touches her and when we're done we leave her here", Malfoy is furious and his jaw is clenched as he speaks, he doesn't look at me as he speaks; he never takes his eyes off Dumbledore.
"I'm not staying here", I whisper at the same time that Bellatrix screams.
"You want her as your plaything Draco, you bring her. You bring her into the lair of dragons and then you can have her, she will be your reward", Bellatrix misunderstands why he wants me.
Malfoy snarls, "Fine but she is mine and nobody gets to have her".
"Malfoy, please don't do this", I whisper in his ear and my eyes widen as the tears continue to fall down my face.
"You knew it would end like this". His face is pained but determined and he leans towards me and whispers, "I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you're safe".
He screams then tearing his face away from mine, the words I was never quite convinced that he would say suddenly reverberating around us.
AVADA KEDAVRA
And the last thing I see is the unmistakable look of relief on Dumbledore's face before he falls backwards out of the window and its over; months of pain and confusion over in a flash of green.
Malfoy did it; he killed Dumbledore and in telling Malfoy to bring him here I had just as much a hand in it as he did.
Of three things I was certain as I was dragged out of the castle that cold, surreal night by Malfoy who refused to look at me, Dumbledore's lifeless body crumpled in a heap at the bottom of the tower where Malfoy and I had finally come together.
One, Malfoy had killed Dumbledore.
Two, I was on my way to a place full of death eaters.
Three, it was all my own fault.
Malfoy had become a murder because of me and Dumbledore; the only wizard Voldemort had ever been afraid of was now dead.
Yes, it was all my fault.