Chapter Twenty-Six

Everything We Try to Retrieve

"Our moments of happiness are fleeting and few but that doesn't make them pointless. It makes them so much more precious"-Anon

"Where are we?"

"In a cave somewhere on the south coast of Wales I think?" Malfoy's voice was extremely calm given the circumstances and it was the first time I'd been able to speak to him. His back was to me as he lay out some more rushes for himself to lie on.

I had awakened here on a soft bed of rushes and the fire had been crackling merrily. A pile to driftwood lay in the corner that Malfoy fed to the fire every so often and he was currently cooking what looked suspiciously like rabbit on a makeshift spit.

"You carried me up here?"

"You weren't heavy", he smiled and sat back on the rushes, stoking the fire. It was the first time I'd seen his face properly, he was so...peaceful looking despite the fact that surely now we were in even more trouble.

"You're cooking?"

"You think us purebloods know nothing? My Grandfather taught me, I guess he always figured survival skills would come in handy", he chuckled softly. "I guess he was right after all".

"You're all about the questions right now", he smiled at me.

"Am I asking the wrong questions?" I smiled back to which he only shrugged.

I sat up properly and wrapped my arms around my legs. The blanket Malfoy had covered me with kept my ripped dress from his sight for which I was grateful and I noticed a satchel in the corner and wondered what else he had thought to bring and how long this had been planned.

I felt for the first time in months like I could actually think. Nobody was watching us, nobody knew we were here except Snape I presumed and we were actually free. The knowledge was more daunting than I had anticipated; I had thought freedom would have felt...well...like a release but it was nerve-wracking to not know what would happen next.

"Are you ready to talk about it?" He was staring at me across the fire and I couldn't see his eyes which was the strangest sensation because all I had to focus on was his mouth.

"He didn't have time to...you don't have anything to worry about", I sighed. "He didn't do what he set out to do".

"I'll kill him before the end, all of them. I'll kill every single one of them. You are mine and I told them I don't share. Before the end...I swear". His look darkened and he stared into the fire, clenching his fists.

"You sound so different when you talk like that...like...like a death eater", I sighed sadly.

"It's who I am", he said in response not looking at me.

"No, it's who you were", I replied simply, he looked at me with his eyebrows raised leaning back from the fire so I could see his face properly. "What did you mean by the end?"

He visibly shook himself, "Nothing. Anyway, I'm glad you're okay. There is a change of clothes in that bag when you want them and the cave stretches back quite far...if you want to...if you want to change away from me". The last part of this sentence came out slowly as if he was sorry he had to say it. It meant acknowledging that things had changed so much between us. He hadn't made love to me since the previous May and now...now I didn't know what would happen.

"The explosion; that was Snape?" I felt determined to keep him talking, like tonight was going to be one of the few nights I would get straight honest answers from him. His attitude and demeanour harkened so much to those nights spent in the Astronomy Tower that I knew talking to him was important.

"No, I did that. I'll be wanted by them now and I couldn't risk Snape being involved. He helped us get out by giving me ideas but the finale was nothing to do with him. It's necessary that he stays there".

"What do you mean by that?"

Malfoy watched me carefully, probably wondering how volatile I was.

"There is so much I need to tell you but not now, not tonight. Right now we just need to focus on our next move".

"Which is?"

"We need to get you to the Order".

"They'll kill you as soon as they see you", I whispered.

"No, they won't. Not when...", he cleared his throat and I knew then that even more secrets were building up between us. "They just won't".

"And not just because of me then I take it?" His silence confirmed this for me.

"Actually, you probably won't help right now. They don't exactly trust you right now either. You would have been a really important playing card in the past for me but not anymore, unfortunately to them...you're just as dangerous as me", he said the words slowly as if he could temper their effect on me.

"And how could you know that? How could you know what the Order thinks of me?" I replied sardonically not realising that perhaps this was why he hadn't wanted to share anything with me yet.

"Never mind", he said and bowed his head so low that his hair fell into his eyes and I couldn't see his expression.

I sighed, there had been a time he would have shared everything with me. I knew all about the cabinet but something had shifted and I got the impression that he wasn't telling me because this was no longer just about him. Other people were involved and the less anyone knew the better, including me. Now I had a vague idea of how Harry had felt before he knew about the Order; it was very unsettling.

"So, how long until we make a move?"

"A few days, they won't look here. It isn't one of my haunts and I've never been here before", said Malfoy. "I doubt they will search here".

"So are you a member of the Order now?"

"They wouldn't have me", he chuckled "But the feeling is mutual. No, I've given up fighting for any one group. I'm alone now in this".

"You're not alone", I whispered the words before I'd even realised they had been in my head. I got to my feet gingerly, not wanting to look at him to see the effect my words had had. "I'll just change".

The satchel contained the clothes I'd been wearing the night I'd been taken to Malfoy Manor; a pair of jeans, my converse, a t-shirt and a large hoodie. I was grateful he had kept them; they were familiar and comforting in a strange way.

I pulled my hair back and attempted to brush it with my fingers. It was still sleek and straight from when the Elves had prepared me like a lamb for the slaughter for Fenrir.

"Can I ask you something?" Malfoy said when I'd returned. I nodded my assent before sitting down nearer the fire this time.

"Do you know how to remove those memories?"

"You don't?" I whispered.

"No, I only know how to plant them. I'm a death...I was a death eater, why would I want to learn how to remove them?"

I sighed, "I'm sure somebody will know how...they have to...surely, someone like Moody maybe".

"Moody's dead", said Malfoy.

"What?" I gazed up at him thinking for sure that I'd heard him wrong.

"Moody died in a battle back in June".

"Were you there?"

"Yes".

I hadn't thought he would answer my last question but his attitude the past few months made sense now. He had seen so much death and destruction and it pained me to wonder how much of it he had caused.

"Anyone else I should know about?"

"Quite a number of people are dead but I think he is the only one you will really know, oh, Potter's owl died too".

This hit me harder than I expected it to, Hedwig had died; Harry must have been devastated when it happened and he would blame himself.

"Do you know where they are?"

"No".

"Then how are we to get to them?" His vague and ambiguous answers were annoying me now.

"We wait for them to come to us; they weren't going to trust me to give me any location so we wait".

"We're like sitting ducks then, who's to say they won't just kill us both in the night? And I'm not talking about Death Eaters."

"They just won't...we've been vouched for".

"Both of us?" I raised my eyebrows in mock incredulity and couldn't stop the sarcasm from slipping into my voice.

"We're moving into dangerous territory here Granger and there a lot of things you're not ready to hear and I'm not ready to tell, stop asking me questions I can't answer and just trust me one more time". He rubbed a hand through his hair again and I noted the burn on his cheek was healing.

I sighed in defeat, "I already decided to trust you one more time and you saved me from Fenrir, I can't argue with you".

"I thought you'd never speak to me again after Dumbledore and you did but I'm sure once I tell you everything else you'll never look at me again", the words came out of his mouth rushed and they tumbled together and I could tell it took him all his energy to say them.

It was easier for me to ignore the fact that he had spoken.

"Did you put anything on that?" I pointed to his burn.

"I've got some essence of dittany but it stings so badly". He pointed to where the little bottle sat on top of the bag.

"Here let me". I pulled out the tiny bottle and I noted his exceptional magic skills at the shrinking charm he had clearly used on the contents in the bag. His wand lay on top of everything and I felt a slight pang as I wondered if Voldemort still possessed mine.

Pushing his face gently to one side, I used the phial and dropped the first drop. His hand flew up to grab my wrist to stop me from putting a second one on.

"It hurts", he said roughly.

"Don't be such a baby; I'm sure you've been through worse. I've seen the scars on your back remember".

I shook his hand off and dropped two more drops and the burn quickly healed but left behind an angry purple mark. He grabbed my wrist again on the final drop and this time he didn't let go.

"That will go down in a day or two", I said as he turned his face back towards me. We were so close, his breath tickled my face.

His eyes still had the power to mesmerise me, the stormy grey of them always made me think of a ship being destroyed in the ocean as if his tumultuous thoughts could be seen through his eyes.

His skin was so smooth looking but had gained an extra aged look to it since we had been in Malfoy Manor. He stared at me for so long and I knew what would happen if I remained there but I wasn't ready. I knew that if he kissed me one of the horrendous memories would come forth unbidden and I would hurt him by pulling away.

"I should get the rabbits off the spit", he said, breaking the sudden awkwardness for me. He removed his long fingers from my wrist slowly, almost caressing me as he went and the physical contact with him; so unguarded and gentle took my breath away.

I moved out of his way and sat back where I'd been. The rabbit was delicious and hot, I have never been as thankful for a meal as I was in that moment.

"Where did you get the scars? The ones on your back, I always meant to ask" I said, biting into my rabbit and not looking at him; trying to behave as if my question was just idle curiosity and it didn't matter if he chose not to answer.

"From disobedience", he replied not looking at me and refusing to give any more information. His life, if you could call it that, really had been pretty horrendous thus far.

It was the longest night of my life that night; we waited and took turns keeping watch. I didn't mind staying awake while Malfoy slept but learning from experience, I let his nightmares ride themselves out. I didn't fancy having to detach his hand from my throat. He worried about my memories but I worried about his dreams; I knew which one of them had at least the smallest chance of being removed but his dreams would stay with him forever.

I didn't believe in Malfoy's Order story; I didn't see how they could possibly protect the man that had killed Dumbledore even if it had been done to protect me. Dumbledore's behaviour still didn't sit right with me from that night and neither did Snapes.

Snape had behaved as if he had had a completely different plan in mind from the one that had occurred and Dumbledore had been pleading...surely for his life? The more I thought about it the more I was unsure but why would Dumbledore plead for death?

"What are you thinking about?" Malfoy's voice was sleep-addled and soft but the sun was starting to come up so I had known it would only be a matter of time until he was awake.

"The night Dumbledore died", I replied. I was determined to be honest with him even if right now he couldn't do me the same courtesy. Secrets ruin people and they had already ruined us enough.

"What about it?" Malfoy was fully awake now and he came to sit opposite me, stoking up the fire on his way past. He had told me to keep it going all night and as a result the cave was almost cosy.

"Dumbledore was acting so strangely".

He didn't answer but just watched me carefully.

"It was like, he knew. There was no surprise in him".

"I told you not to come to me", was all he said in response. "None of this would have happened if you had just stayed where you were".

"It is my fault", I whispered. "You killed Dumbledore to protect me, Dumbledore would still be alive".

"No", Malfoy moved forward and grasped my face tightly making me look at him. "You listen to me, don't go getting all I'm the victim here on me, I don't have time for this and neither do you. Whether you'd been there or not Dumbledore would have died either by my hand or somebody else's. I told you once before there was always someone to take my place in the mission, to finish it if I failed like the Dark Lord thought I would. All you did was make me show my cards. That's it; I won't have you thinking this is all about you".

His words were rough, there was no sentiment, but I appreciated them all the same. They were the most honest he had been with me in such a long time and it reminded me of how he used to treat me in school. He had always said his treatment of me would be consistent and this was a gentle reminder that he hadn't forgotten his words.

"Okay", I nodded pulling myself together. "Will you explain it all to me eventually?"

He brushed a thumb over my cheek before moving away, "Yes or at least if I don't, I'm sure there are others who will delight in telling you everything". He said the words so bitterly I knew he was talking about someone like Ron.

"Malfoy?"

"Hmm?"

"Kiss me and let's pretend for just five minutes we are back in Hogwarts, just two students and nothing has happened".

He stared at me, "I don't think..."

"I don't care what you think, just do it?"

He vacillated for several seconds, torn between not wanting to hurt me and wanting to hold me.

He moved slowly towards me, kneeling in front of me but it was me who grasped his face and pulled it down to my lips. The memories came forward but this time I put an iron fist on every single one of them and refused to yield.

My lips were stiff on his as I did this and he waited until they had relaxed to put his arms around me pulling me closer and closer as if he would never get me close enough.

I groaned and moved my lips against his, allowing his tongue to find its way to my own. My hands moved to grasp his hair tightly as his arms moved up and down my back. We were on our knees now, our hips grinding together perfectly in a moment of pure, unadulterated bliss.

I pulled away first but I was smiling, as was he. His eyes dazzled brightly and we were both slightly breathless as we pulled apart.

"That wasn't so hard was it", I said sitting down back into the reality of our strange situation.

He smiled and took his place opposite me once again.

"I'll get us breakfast soon", he said.

"Let's stay here forever", I replied knowing we couldn't and yet secretly hoping the Order would never find us.

But I knew they would, they would find some way to trace us.

I stared at Malfoy's serene face as he closed his eyes against the sun and I prayed for this moment to last forever.

But when do I ever get anything I pray for?