Chapter Twenty-Seven

Everything Snape Said

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long". Sylvia Plath

We stayed there for several days and fell into a sort of routine. We ate whatever Malfoy could find for us, bathed in the sea and generally just waited.

We continued to keep watch but sometimes we did this together, sitting at opposite ends of the mouth of the cave and talking for most of the night. It allowed me to work on which memories were true and which false and I think Malfoy did it so he could avoid the dreams that continued to plague his sleep.

We talked about nothing in particular, memories of school or happy memories from childhood; although this part of the conversation was mostly dominated by me. Strangely enough he asked me questions about my childhood and some of the traditions my family and I had held and he often told me things about his childhood but I could tell his stories had been edited severely. I knew it was because he wanted so desperately to only remember the happy parts and those were few and far between in his childhood.

One night, the full moon was shining so brightly it almost felt like daylight. We were sat as usual laughing at Malfoy's latest funny story about Crabbe and Goyle.

"They looked so stupid", he gasped between breaths as I tried not to scream with mirth.

"I can't believe you did that to them", I laughed wiping my eyes.

"Well, they were annoying me", he said simply to which we burst into laughter again.

After several seconds we began to calm down.

"I once confunded Cormac McLaggen", I said watching his face for a reaction.

"McLaggen? You serious? Wow Granger didn't know you had that in you, although I'd heard rumours. I vaguely remember being punched pretty hard by you in third year. I'm sure McLaggen had it coming, he had the biggest head, even bigger than my own. An absolute asshole", Malfoy chortled good-humouredly.

"Well, it took him like four attempts to get into the Great Hall. Harry and I watched him bounce off the walls so many times. I thought I would die laughing", I smiled at the memory.

"Why did you confund him though?" said Malfoy still smiling.

I didn't even think, I just answered. "For Ron, it was at Quidditch tryouts and McLaggen had been trying to ask me out and he just repulsed me so I wanted Ron to do well".

Malfoy's look darkened ever-so-slightly but his frown eased when he noticed that as far as I was concerned I was just answering a simple question and there was no agenda to my words.

"Do you ever miss what you and Weasley had? Life was so much more simple I suppose", Malfoy grunted.

"No, not now", I said smiling at him trying to dispel his sudden bad humour, sometimes his moods switched so rapidly I found it hard to keep up but if he was going to be consistent with me, then I was certainly going to be consistent with him. No sugar coating.

"At the time yes and sometimes I miss the good times. Before I started to like him and before we were together. I don't miss him at all now, actually more and more I think that we never would have made it anyway, life would have been far too simple and possibly boring, besides he punched me in case you've forgotten".

"I haven't forgotten", growled Malfoy at the memory.

"Still, I think you inflicted enough damage", I smiled trying to bring the cheer back.

Malfoy smiled back at me and then leaned back against the wall of the cave looking out onto the beach. He sat up suddenly and tensed a few seconds later and I knew something was wrong.

"Get back into the cave and throw me my wand", he said roughly without looking at me.

I gazed out and sure enough there was a lone figure walking across the beach which had been deserted the entire time we had been here. It was too dark to discern anything else; male, female, friend or enemy.

I moved back into the cave and threw Malfoy his wand. He waved at me to stay in the darkness, his face a mask of pure concentration and he crouched into the darkness himself. An animal ready to pounce and I got a glimpse of what he must look like when in battle.

I held my breath and waited because I knew the figure was slowly getting closer.

Malfoy jumped out of the cave suddenly and I heard his angry voice but it stopped mid-sentence and then silence...that seemed interminable.

I scrambled out of the cave, no longer thinking about my own safety but wanting to know what had happened.

Malfoy was standing staring at the figure not far from the mouth of the cave, his wand was hanging limp at his side and the figure, whose face I still could not see, was standing with his arms folded as if he was impatient.

Malfoy put out an arm when I came closer to stop me walking any further. "It's okay", he said.

"Miss Granger", said the oh-so-familiar voice. "Are you going to invite me inside?"

The figure moved closer and into the moonlight.

"Professor Snape?"

"No longer your professor but I appreciate the title, shall we go into your humble abode?" He wasn't sneering, he was smiling. I had never seen him smile before and it was oddly unsettling. He didn't show his teeth, indeed you had to be as close as we were now to even tell that that was what he was doing.

"I...of course...Malfoy?"

Malfoy nodded and turned to allow Snape to go in first, pulling me with him and clearly not wanting to turn his back on Snape and I wondered if it was because he didn't trust him or because he was still in shock that Snape was here.

Snape chuckled and moved ahead of us, Malfoy kept an arm around me as we walked back to the cave and didn't remove it until I was sitting beside the fire.

Snape looked around the cave and noted the two beds and I saw him raise his eyebrows before also taking a seat around the fire.

We stared at him, expecting him to speak at any moment and equally still trying to overcome the shock in seeing another human being.

"It's a beautiful place is it not?" Snape said casually staring back out at the mouth of the cave.

"It's a paradise, what happens now?" said Malfoy through gritted teeth.

"I came here with my parents when I was four years old", continued Snape ignoring Malfoy altogether. "Before everything went to hell, it's funny, it's one of the only happy memories I have and yet I have never shared it with anyone".

"It's beautiful", I acquiesced half wondering when he would get to the point and half hoping that point would never come.

"So, your movement to the Order will take place soon. They will come to collect you when they see fit because of course they do not want you to know the location of their hideaway", said Snape.

"Wait so you are on the side of the Order?" I said staring at him closely only to watch him raise his eyebrows in question at Malfoy.

Malfoy stared at the ground, "I didn't tell her anything, I didn't know what to tell her if I'm honest".

"Don't lie to me Draco", was Snape's response. "You didn't tell her because something has broken between the two of you".

Neither of us answered because he was right. The trust we had once shared had been broken and the problem was it had been broken by both of us.

"Well, Miss Granger, you already knew that I worked for the Order and that I serve the Dark Lord as his most faithful servant let us leave it there".

"I have so many questions about the night Dumbledore died", I blurted out unable to contain myself.

"Granger", Malfoy growled threateningly.

"No, let her ask", said Snape.

"You seemed confused the night Dumbledore died, like it wasn't going to plan. Am I going crazy or am I right in this?"

"I was expecting to be the one to kill Dumbledore. Dumbledore was very sick and he asked me to kill him long before that night took place. Dumbledore was going to die either that night or soon after, the sickness was rampant through his body. Surely you noticed his withered arm?"

"A curse", I whispered.

"Precisely", said Snape.

"You knew this", I said turning to Malfoy, "You knew he was sick".

I sighed in relief; a bubble of hope blossomed in my gut and spread throughout my blood until I thought I would cry. Malfoy had known Dumbledore was going to die and he had killed him. It hadn't been just to save me, there had been so much more going on in the background.

"No", said Malfoy. He stared at Snape, "This was why I didn't want you to tell her".

My bubble halted in its growth and I stared at Malfoy waiting for more information because I had finally felt relief and now he was taking it away.

Malfoy got to his feet and sighed angrily, "I didn't know he was sick, only Snape knew that. He told me afterwards. I didn't know he was going to die anyway and I didn't know that he had asked Snape to kill him if I couldn't. I did this all for you, to save you, to keep you with me. My reasons were selfish not selfless".

"Draco", said Snape warningly.

"No, she needs to hear this", he was seething now and glaring at me, "I'm the goddamn bad guy Granger when are you going to realise that? I killed Dumbledore to keep you and myself alive. That was it, that's all. Stop turning me into a bloody martyr. I still love you, God only knows how much but I hate you for following me into that Astronomy Tower like I told you not to. Sometimes I feel like with you being there that night, you took away all of my options and I hate you for it!"

There it was, finally, the truth; raw and painful as it was but he had finally said it. Unfair as it was, slightly unjust, he had finally said what was going through his head.

He stared at me and immediately I could see he was sorry he had said any of it but I wasn't. I was glad, for the first time in months I felt like I actually knew where I stood and that he had been split in half as much as I had; torn between love and hate.

He left in surly silence and I moved to the mouth of the cave to watch his silhouette walk across the sand and slump down by the water.

"He needs you", said Snape. "You have no idea just how much".

"It sounds like he wishes I was dead", I said my voice cracking as the tears began to well in my eyes as his words finally hit home.

"No, trust me when I say he hates himself more than you right now. His hatred for you will wane as will yours for him".

"I do hate him", I said my voice still breaking. "But I love him too and I feel like I'm falling apart".

"I know how that feels", said Snape enigmatically. "It is hard to love that which you know you shouldn't".

"You were meeting with him when we were still at Malfoy Manor, what were you meeting about?"

"I've been trying to get Malfoy out of the Death Eater realm for some time now, his parents have been more than useless and I thought the Order could help him".

"You're a spy", I said simply sitting now at the mouth of the cave so I could continue to watch Malfoy.

"He wasn't so easily convinced. He has seen and done some horrific things but none of them were committed before he met you. He did whatever he had to do to keep you alive and now he associates you with those atrocities but they were breaking him slowly, his humanity was dying and he is much too young for that to disappear completely. He needed to be removed from there before his actions and disobedience cost both of your lives".

There was that word again, disobedience meaning so much more than I could possibly conceive.

"Voldemort was noticing that he was waning in his service?"

"Voldemort notices everything and nothing", was the reply to which I had no response having absolutely no idea what he meant.

"The Order will come, they will interrogate you and eventually they will accept you but they will not accept him, all they will have on that score is your word and my own", said Snape matter-of-factly.

"And Malfoy and I?"

"For that I cannot say, I don't know if you will heal. I pray for his sake that you do".

"The memories are the biggest gulf between us now, the memories he had to plant. Can they be removed?"

Snape watched me pityingly and I had a moment of fondness for the potions master I had hated for all these years.

"It's possible but I wouldn't pin all your hopes on a quick cure. It may take time and resilience on your part, you may need to start being more forceful with your differentiating between them and actually force yourself to remember. Focus on the sounds and smells and the familiar parts of the memories, the details will help you remember which ones are real".

Snape moved to stand next to me, both of us now watching Malfoy get to his feet and fling some rocks into the sea.

"Your word won't hold as much weight with the Order but it will still hold more than Draco's, he will need you now to survive the next part".

"Are the Death Eaters looking for us?"

"They are searching for Draco right now, he is a fugitive and soon he will be a prisoner of the Order but with your help the latter part won't last very long, I'm not saying it won't be difficult. This is not the life I imagined for him; he is a very talented young man".

"So he belongs nowhere", I said sadly.

"He has turned his back on everything he was supposed to believe in. He may never see his parents or his friends again. I think for that sacrifice, he belongs with you".

"I must take my leave now, I will try to attend your Order interrogations but my absence from Malfoy Manor cannot be noticed you understand. You are sworn to secrecy Miss Granger".

I nodded solemnly wanting to ask him about Harry but I figured question time was now over.

"Draco did one good turn for me though he may not realise it", said Snape as he was leaving.

"And what was that?"

"I did not kill Dumbledore so I am still considered on the side of the Order. If I had killed him they would have thought me a traitor completely and I wouldn't have been able to save either of you, funny how the world works isn't it".

"Dumbledore wanted you to risk being thought a traitor and cast out by the Order?"

"Dumbledore was trying to save Draco's soul", said Snape. His words broke me in a whole new way as I remembered what Harry had said about the soul splitting apart as soon as the witch or wizard in question committed murder.

"Well, he failed", I said bitterly.

"Dumbledore knew that Mr Malfoy would have you and that makes all the difference", said Snape.

He smiled and then left, speaking to Malfoy before continuing his walk along the beach and out of sight.

I watched him go and tried not to cry. Malfoy hated me, he had finally said the words I had only imagined he felt and their stark truth was killing me inside.

But I knew I had to face him and make him see that it didn't matter; make him understand that I was still here and I wasn't going anywhere.

I stood and steeled myself for the onslaught that this argument I was about to pick with him would cause but I knew it was necessary. Arguing makes people reveal things they don't want to say but I needed Malfoy to finally address the rift between us and god we were going to have one hell of an argument. Besides, it was something we were both good at.

I straightened my back and got my first line ready in my head before walking towards him with my fists clenched.

This surely had to help.

Right?