Chapter Twenty-Nine
Everything that hurts
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left" Anon.
"How many more times do you want to say it? I don't have information, I was a pet, a slave, what is it about that that you're not getting?"
I was getting angry, I had been in this room for hours now and I still didn't really know where I was. It felt very much like a cheesy old cop movie, the room had nothing but a table and chairs in it and the heavy set man from the cave who had revealed himself as Charlie and a woman whom I didn't know had been asking me the same questions over and over again. The smell of sweat permeated the room and I got the impression that it wasn't used very often.
I'd had nothing to eat for hours, I didn't know where Malfoy was and I was finally getting angry at their inane questions. They had taken the hood off only after I had been guided into the chair so I could only allow my imagination to run riot over the location of Malfoy.
"I've told you everything I know, it wasn't like I was in the room when they had their meetings and I saw Voldemort once during the entire nine months and the only thing I really remember from that was that he had my wand", I sighed and rubbed my face tiredly.
"We understand but you must have something else for us?" The woman had spoken gently to me during the entire interrogation. She was quite old also, her black hair was sleek but tinged with grey and her pointed face was kind.
"You don't understand then", I replied folding my arms. "I feel filthy, I'm hungry and right now I feel like I've been moved from one prison, to a place of respite only to find myself back in another prison. I'm exhausted and I really don't want to talk to you anymore when I don't know what my future is".
"We just think that you've been captive for nine months and there are things we need to rule out", Charlie said leaning forward and speaking gruffly.
I raised my eyebrows incredulously at him, "If you mean something like Stockholm syndrome then you have it backwards; I fell for Malfoy before I was taken prisoner remember?"
"We will let you clean up, you know that you've been vouched for, Harry has also spoken up for you", said the woman softly sitting back and folding her arms.
"Harry? Is he here?" I sat up at these words.
"Yes, he is here. Arrived only two days ago with Mr Weasley", she said. "Look no matter how much you've changed we know that you are on our side so you mustn't take our questions to heart. Dumbledore was quite vocal about the relationship between you and Malfoy and how it would change things".
"What do you mean no matter how much I've changed, I never met you before today so how the hell would you know I've changed?" My tone lowered and became what I hoped was threatening at her insinuation.
"We've been informed by Ron and Harry that whilst you were in school..." she started but I cut her off.
"Oh I'm sure Ron informed you of the insane bitch that I became. Let me tell you something lady", I said leaning forward. "I never changed, I just finally allowed myself to show everyone who I really was, got it?"
"Enough", said Charlie. "She has nothing for us; we'll see what we can get from Mr Malfoy".
"Don't you dare hurt him", I said sitting forward and slamming my fists onto the table. "He was vouched for the same as me and he is the reason I am still alive".
They stared at me incredulously, "He killed Dumbledore and countless others, he is lucky we haven't killed him", said the man but the woman glared at him.
"We don't work like that", she said. "He is the enemy but we are more civilised than them and Dumbledore spoke very highly of him before he died. We are aware of the agreement between Dumbledore and Severus", she addressed at me.
"But we are also aware that Mr Malfoy knew nothing about Dumbledore's curse and he did it to protect himself. He is the enemy as far as I'm concerned", said Charlie scowling at me.
"Charlie was present during many battles at which Mr Malfoy was also present", the woman explained to me.
"I appreciate your viewpoint but you have it backwards", I said focusing on Charlie and ignoring her. "He isn't the enemy, but I'm not saying he is your ally either. However, I owe him my life and despite what you think about him killing Dumbledore and all of the other heinous crimes he has committed, he did everything he did to keep me safe and although I'll never understand how, it worked. If my life still counts for something here maybe you don't torture him?" I said quietly, staring at my hands.
"At this moment in time Miss Granger, we really can't say what your life is worth. You're here because you've been vouched for and right now, that is all", said the heavy set man gruffly but his voice had calmed considerably.
"Wait", I said suddenly remembering what I had been dying to ask. "My parents...do my parents know...?"
They exchanged a look and he shrugged.
"Your parents are in Australia, we wiped their memories to stop them from being a target and right now they are in Adelaide without any knowledge of their daughter".
They left the room after that and I slumped back into my seat, trying to reason with myself that this was for the best but I couldn't stop the tears from coming and I put my head in my hands crying hysterically.
It was several hours later but eventually I was taken to shower and eat something. The realisation that I was actually in Grimmauld Place hit me quite hard. There were several people rushing in and out, some rooms had paperwork in them with people poring over them and all in all there was a sense of urgency about the place.
I didn't recognise the faces of most of them but they sure as hell recognised me in the way that they stared. Some smiled encouragingly knowing where I'd been, some looked at me with pity and others blank indifference.
The room I'd been kept in was clearly for interrogation purposes and down in the basement of this London townhouse.
After a shower and something to eat I was brought to a small makeshift bedroom that had been prepared in a hurry. I attempted to ask the woman who brought me here about Malfoy but she left before I could open my mouth.
The room looked like an old closet and there was one window that was so dusty I couldn't see out of it. I let out a long sigh before curling into a ball on the bed trying to remember when I had been happy.
"Hermione?"
I recognised the voice but I must have fallen asleep so it took me awhile to get my bearings. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and noted that the pillow was wet which meant I'd been crying in my sleep.
"Sirius?"
I stood and let him hug me and for a moment it felt nice to be held, especially with someone I thought of as an uncle.
"It's good to see you", he said smiling before taking a seat on the bed. "Sorry about the accommodation situation, you're not a prisoner we're just short of some bedrooms. This house wasn't really built for visitors", he smiled sardonically.
"I feel like a prisoner everywhere I go now", I sighed taking a seat next to him. "I knew...I knew Malfoy was going to kill Dumbledore and I did nothing about it".
I didn't know why I was telling Sirius but something about his past told me that he wouldn't be quick to judge me and the choices I had made.
"Malfoy didn't know Dumbledore was sick, he told me so himself that he didn't know. He did it to save me and his family but at the time, he said all he could think of was me. He said I took away his choices by being in the Astronomy Tower that night".
Sirius stayed silent having the intuition to know that I needed to say all of these things.
"He gave me a terrible reason to live, I have memories in my mind that he had to plant to keep me safe at the Manor and sometimes I can't tell which ones are real. Snape is only a part of the Order because of Malfoy, he would have been the one to kill Dumbledore otherwise and while we were at the cave Malfoy and I finally connected again and now everything is screwed up. I know all of these things but how can I possibly make everyone here understand them too when they have seen Malfoy in battles fighting against them and only I know he did it to keep me alive. I mean think about it, a muggleborn spent nine months on the other side and lived to tell everyone about it? Don't they see what that means? That was all Malfoy".
Sirius said nothing for the longest time but eventually he laid a hand on my shoulder, "Listen to me carefully Hermione".
"The guilt that you're feeling over Dumbledore's death, that guilt will never go away. I live with the guilt of Lily and James every day. I knew, in my gut, that it was a bad idea to make Peter the secret keeper but part of me hoped no...thought that he was too weak to do anything but I didn't voice my concerns to anybody and I wish that I had. I think if I'd said the words out loud I would have realised what I was doing was a mistake".
"What I'm saying is both you and Malfoy will need to learn to live with the mistakes that you've made if you ever have any chance of being together. Everyone else will accept it eventually".
"Also, I'm sorry about your parents. You should have been told before anything was done", he sighed rubbing his hands through his hair.
"It's okay", I said wiping my eyes. "It's for the best; they can't get hurt this way".
"You'll be accepted unequivocally and very quickly by the way but you should know that Malfoy has had a tough time in the twelve hours since you arrived", he said tentatively.
"What's happened to him?" I said harshly.
"One or two people managed to get at him before we could stop them, people who were present at some of the battles he took part in and who were directly affected by his actions", Sirius' voice was tender as he spoke but it didn't soften the blow.
"You mean he killed people they were friends with or related to", I said sighing. "Don't tell me anymore just tell me if he is okay?"
"He will be, he's a bit banged up but he took every blow, every curse without making a sound", said Sirius with a slight sound that sounded like awe in his voice.
"There is some other intelligence we've been made privy to that Malfoy doesn't yet know about, Snape came and passed it on", said Sirius once again watching me carefully.
"Mmm?" I said not really listening.
"Narcissa is dead", he said lowly and I turned to stare at him. "Voldemort killed her just after he discovered that Malfoy had left with you. From what we hear, he tortured her first".
"What about Lucius?" I whispered.
"He gave full approval for her murder in order to protect himself and he has disowned Malfoy", said Sirius.
"I should be the one to tell Malfoy", I heard myself saying while my head screamed at me to shut up. "He has been through so much and I'm his only true ally now. I love him, let me tell him", I said.
"It's not up to me", he sighed. "But you could plead your case to everyone else", he said thoughtfully.
"Let me because I know the reason it isn't up to you is because there are some people who want to inflict pain on him and they would only be too happy to tell him something that will hurt him", I pleaded staring at him.
"They are all downstairs now; the Weasleys, Harry, Lupin, Tonks. They all live here full time now; you could speak to them..."
"Let's go", I said. "I need to do this".
I didn't want to tell Malfoy but it was time for me to start protecting him and I could do that by being there for him. I could make sure that the rest of the Order didn't hurt him.
Who was I kidding? I was about to tell Malfoy that the only person he was originally supposed to protect was now dead and it was because he had chosen my safety over hers.
This would kill him.