Chapter Thirty

Everything He Told Him

"It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge" Friedrich Nietzsche.

The walk towards the dining room seemed interminable. The house had emptied as dusk had settled and I knew now what Sirius had meant by those people who "live here full time now". The others only came and went as they had to and I could only assume that the extra flurry of activity was possibly due to the fact that Malfoy and I had arrived and strategies on what to do next had to be devised.

Malfoy.

I still didn't know where he was and yet I had eagerly signed up to tell him that his one other reason for living was now gone. How could I possibly find the strength to tell him his mother had died? It was one thing for me to discover that my parents had relocated but it was entirely another to tell Malfoy, plainly and simply, that in choosing me he had condemned his mother to death.

So many months ago, when we had sat in the hospital wing discussing his mission, he had told me his sole reason for doing it was because Voldemort would murder his mother if he did not acquiesce. All Malfoy would be able to see was that the worst had come to pass after all and it was me who had been the catalyst. He would never have tried to escape if I hadn't been there, indeed none of this would have happened if I hadn't taken away all of his options by being in the Astronomy tower that night. Effectively, I really had just made everything worse.

I wondered, given that he knew what would happen to her if he betrayed Voldemort, if he had even considered what would happen to her or if he had naively attempted to ensure her safety by trusting others. Or perhaps if his mind had been too preoccupied in saving me that he had momentarily forgotten about the other person he had sworn to protect.

"In here", said Sirius softly pushing open the dining room door and bringing me back to my current predicament.

The smell of roasting meat was the first thing to greet me and I felt my mouth immediately begin to water. The fire was crackling and the long wooden table was set for dinner. The room hushed upon my entrance, it had been so long since they had seen me.

Mrs Weasley was the first to come forward, tears in her eyes, as she enveloped me in a hug and before I knew it I was crying with her and being hugged by everyone in the room one by one.

I was surprised at their eagerness to see me and yet when Harry hugged me, I knew he of all people should have been angry at me. Ron was thankfully absent and I refused to even mention his name and ruin this brief happiness that I could feel welling up inside me. I wanted to apologise to Harry, to explain what had happened the last time he had seen me but he silenced me with a look followed by a knowing smile.

Dinner was served and in the most bizarre circumstances I sat around that table with Mr and Mrs Weasley, Lupin, Sirius, Tonks, Fred and George, Bill, Fleur, Ginny and Harry. We ate heartily and talked of nothing in particular, for the most part I myself was silent completely enjoying the brief respite from accusations and painful memories.

When dinner came to an end and the table had been cleared, it was Sirius who broke the silence that fell.

"I think there are many things we need to establish and clear, firstly may I ask those of you not needed to be present during the following discussion to leave the room out of respect", he looked to Mr and Mrs Weasley and they in turn nodded before ordering most of the Weasley children out of the room.

I watched as Fred, George, Bill, Fleur and Ginny left the room. The latter laid a kiss upon Harry's forehead before she left. I congratulated Bill and Fleur on their wedding that had taken place the previous summer and they smiled in response.

Those remaining moved in so that we were all sitting in the same section of the long table now.

"Let me say firstly", I began surprised at how strong my voice sounded and looking around at each of them individually. "I'm sorry for Moody, I understand the kind of blow that was. He was a good man and a valuable asset".

"Ron and I..." began Harry.

"No", said Lupin. "We don't know what she can be trusted with yet, if it is not necessary then we say nothing. This is for our good as much as it is for hers, we cannot yet trust the Malfoy boy and she has been their captive for rather a long time".

Nothing about this statement made me angry or even upset, Lupin was doing what he thought was right and in truth, I really didn't want to know anything more than I absolutely had to. It would be too much to bear and I was barely coping with everything else that had happened thus far.

"Lupin's right, I know about the horcruxes and that you've been away therefore I can put two and two together but I don't want any confirmation of the fact".

"We've had your statement from Charlie", said Lupin now addressing me. "We know what happened to you whilst in the captivity of Malfoy Manor".

I nodded. "And I know that when I was taken away I was viewed as being untrustworthy and that hasn't changed just because I've come back. I also know that you are now aware of the secret behind Dumbledore's death that involved Snape", I gripped the table and fingered the grooves already there.

"Snape told me that you wouldn't trust Malfoy and that he would need me now to protect him the same way he has been protecting me for nearly a year. I know that my word holds very little weight these days given what happened and I assume Harry told you that I knew of Malfoy's mission and did nothing so I know you must hate him. Especially since he didn't know Dumbledore was cursed, he killed him to save me". I couldn't meet any of their gazes as I spoke but I could feel them judging me albeit not too harshly.

"But please, what I'm about to ask may strike you as odd, I'm begging you to understand why I'm asking for this. Malfoy saved my life, several times over, he prevented Fenrir from having his way with me, he ensured that I was not murdered or tortured severely and he created the diversion that led to our escape. How many of us could say that we could go into the lion's den and remain living for nine months? I know that nobody at this table would live to tell the tale and that's especially crazy since I'm also muggleborn."

"Therefore, let me tell him that his mother is dead. He will never understand these words coming from any of you. He will immediately think that you have killed her. He turned his back on everything he believed in for me, he gave it all up to keep me safe, he must have known what might happen to her but probably hoped to the contrary. He has lost the only ally he ever had and he will know that that is his fault for choosing me but it is also my fault for going to that stupid Astronomy tower when I did. I must take responsibility for knowing that I made him choose me. So, let me do this".

The slow clapping began quietly and I looked up in shock but nobody around the table had moved, they were staring at a point above my head. I turned to see Ron's smug face walking towards me.

"Well, that was quite a speech", he said leaning against the doorframe and folding his arms.

"Ronald, if you are not going to take this seriously then you may leave", said his mother sternly.

"Please Mum, I think I'm the only one actually taking this seriously. Malfoy doesn't deserve any pity or sympathy. How many ambushes and raids did you see him present at? Participating in, helping his cronies murder our allies?"

I got to my feet and faced him. "I wouldn't expect you to understand anything Ron, least of all the feelings I have for Malfoy, I know..."

"You don't know though do you? You weren't there! You were too busy being a prisoner. He would stand and watch while people he knew and recognised from school were murdered. He said nothing when they were tortured beyond all reckoning. He was present when Charity Burbage was murdered, did you know that? Probably while you were cowering in a dungeon somewhere because she was murdered right in the dining room at Malfoy Manor".

"Ron stop now", said Harry getting to his feet but neither Ron nor I heard him.

"My muggle studies teacher?" I whispered raising a hand to my mouth.

"You didn't know that he sat there and watched when Voldemort murdered her and the snake ate her body and he did nothing", Ron leaned closer to me to whisper the words slowly.

Images flashed through my mind of the atrocities Malfoy had seen, committed and failed to prevent. He told me himself that the love would die when I realised and accepted the cruelty he had shown in his short life.

But I could not give Ron the satisfaction of seeing how much he was hurting me so I did what I do best these days, I straightened my spine, aimed one swift punch to his nose and I broke it.

It was the most satisfying thing I'd ever done even better than hitting Lavender. The rest of the room sprang to life, Sirius pulling me to one side while Harry knelt beside a howling Ron and fixed his nose.

"You stay away from me you evil bastard", I screamed at him over Sirius' shoulder. "Mrs Weasley, maybe you should know about the punch Ron dealt me not so long ago, right in the eye he got me too".

"You didn't", said Sirius incredulously rounding on Ron and clenching his fists in anger.

"It's true", said Harry and I could hear the anger in his voice and I thought for once he was one my side. "He punched her".

"You little..." said Sirius moving forward but he was blocked by Mr Weasley who had grabbed Ron by the hair.

"You think its okay to hit girls? I didn't raise you like that, I don't know what you've turned into Ron", the venom in his voice was clear as he dragged his son out of the room but not before Ron could deliver one sickening blow to me.

"By the way, I've already told Malfoy about his mother. We had a right little scuffle but I showed him his place".

My heart stopped beating as I fell to the floor slamming my fists on the flagstones and screaming in frustration. He had taken away the one chance I might have had to soften the blow to Malfoy. I had failed in protecting him already and we had only just arrived.

I looked up as Ron was dragged out of the room, his mother following screaming in protestation at the cruelty he had shown, the others had fallen into a bickering argument about what we were supposed to do now and Sirius was rounding on Harry furious that Harry had done nothing when Ron had punched me.

I leaned back on my knees too angry to even cry and too lost to think of the revenge I could inflict on Ron.

All I could think of was Malfoy and everything I had put him through in loving him. We had moved from one prison of volatile and destructive people to another prison of no understanding and uncertainty.

I wondered dejectedly how on earth I was supposed to protect him amongst this never-ending sea of wolves?