Chapter Thirty-One

Everything I let go

"Forgiving someone isn't approving how they wronged you, rather it's no longer allowing their wrong to define you"-Anon.

Several hours later.

I caressed my cup of tea lovingly as if it was the only thing left in the world that was actually good right now. Harry was sitting opposite me in the now empty dining room that was still thankfully warm due to the dying embers of the fire.

"What happened to him?" I whispered to Harry.

Harry sighed and leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand through his hair before answering. The previous argument about Ron telling Malfoy about his mother had taken its toll on him too. With everything coming to light, Sirius had been really furious with Harry that he hadn't protected me better.

"Lavender was chasing Ron for a long time, long before he even contemplated being with you. Lavender would put you down any chance she got and after a while I noticed that Ron would say things...certain things that meant he was starting to listen to her. I warned him not to hurt you, I told him that he had to stay away from her but her words were burrowing deeper all the time. I don't think he cheated on you until the last few days in your relationship and I'm not saying that like it's supposed to make you feel better. I think he was gullible and easily lead and by someone like Lavender who can be manipulative when she wants to be".

"I'm not that naive Harry, I have to place some blame at my own door. There was no way I was the perfect girlfriend", I sighed and took a sip of tea tasting the next words before speaking them. "I think I was so caught up in the idea that my life was sorting itself out that I didn't see that Ron and I didn't make each other happy".

"Well, it all came to a head when Malfoy spoke to him", said Harry. "I never believed Malfoy's words would resonate with Ron so much".

"I know what was said", I said remembering Malfoy's revelation in the Astronomy Tower.

"I was there", said Harry.

I sat up straight, "What? I wasn't under the impression anyone was there".

"Well I was and it was brutal. Malfoy was seething. He actually started the conversation by grabbing Ron's collar and shoving him against the wall telling him to grow a pair and stay away from you. It never occurred to either of us that Malfoy loved you, it probably hadn't occurred to him either".

"I don't think he did at that time", I whispered.

"Well, he continued but you probably already know what he said, basically that it made him sick to see Ron with you, that he should put you out of your misery and the funny part, the part that got me the most, Ron listened to him".

"He broke up with me soon after", I said.

"He broke up with you the next day", corrected Harry.

I breathed deeply and closed my eyes. "It still doesn't explain what happened to Ron. He was a lot of things but he was never cruel".

"Well, immediately after the break-up you were acting just the way we thought you would. You were hurt and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, I'm more sorry than I can ever say", he said lowering his gaze. "But suddenly you came alive and it transpired it was all down to Malfoy and that stupid rumour and Ron couldn't understand why it was Malfoy that effectively woke you up".

"Ron will never be able to understand what Malfoy did for me", I said setting my cup down and rubbing my hand through the grooves on the table.

"I need to ask you about the Astronomy Tower", said Harry suddenly.

"I thought that when they saw Dumbledore wasn't there they would leave. I knew about Malfoy's mission when you told me about the horcruxes but don't worry I didn't tell Malfoy anything mainly because he told me not to, he said it was better that he knew nothing. Malfoy had to kill Dumbledore to save me because I was stupid enough to walk into their midst. I think prior to that Malfoy had a chance to stop. I took away all his options and he gave me a terrible reason to live".

"It sounds like you've said that sentence a lot", said Harry sighing.

I wiped away the stray tears that were beginning to fall. "He told me he had to kill Dumbledore or they would kill his mother and now in saving me, twice, he basically killed his mother himself and I'm sure he won't forgive me for it".

"You've spent your whole relationship with Malfoy angry at each other. You didn't tell me about Malfoy's mission when you had the chance because you were angry at me for what I did to him in the bathroom that day".

I looked up, "How did you...?"

"I'm not an idiot", he waved a hand as if it didn't matter now. "What I'm saying is, maybe you and Malfoy should consider not having a relationship based on revenge because that's all this is. That's how this started in the first place. But now things are getting real, people are dying you both of you are scarred now beyond reckoning. Maybe its time, to let go and realise that everything happened for a reason and no matter what has gone on, you and Malfoy are still here and even Dumbledore knew how much you meant to each other. Let go Hermione".

He stared at me as I let his words sink in knowing he was right. It was time to forgive Malfoy for that night in the Astronomy Tower and to forgive myself for doing what I did even though it was purely selfish. It was time to accept that I was selfish, just like Malfoy.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly feeling the knot that had sat in my chest for months subside gradually.

"You're right", I smiled feeling slightly better already.

"I've been known to be right sometimes", he smiled. "I made a lot of mistakes where you were concerned and now I think we can finally put things behind us?"

"Yes", I whispered leaning forward to rub his arms across the table. "I've missed you".

"Do you want me to fill you in on what we've done?"

"Better not, like Lupin said. I mean I know I can be trusted but we don't know what's going to happen and I need to go and speak to Malfoy and I don't want to go in there with secrets".

"Okay", he smiled. "What will you say to him?"

"I don't know", I said honestly shrugging. "I think he might kill me".

"Will I come with you?"

"No, that's okay. I think that might make it worse".

I stood up from the table and stretched, yawning as I went.

"What's that?" said Harry sharply and so suddenly that I started.

"What?"

"On your left forearm", he said moving to stand next to me.

"Oh", I lifted my sleeve properly and showed him the loopy scrawl that said Property of Draco Malfoy.

"Jesus", said Harry rubbing his thumb across it.

"It's fine it doesn't hurt and I could think of worse things that could be scratched into my skin, Bellatrix could almost be praised for her calligraphy skills".

"You're making light of it", he said as I pulled my sleeve back down.

"I'm letting go", I smiled at him. "I think I should talk to Ron though".

"You even want to?"

"Not really but do you think I should?"

Harry looked uncomfortable, "I don't know, maybe. You have to learn to co-exist now that you're on the same side but other than that..." He shrugged.

"Maybe I should just..." I groaned rubbing my hands through my hair. "I don't know, I'm frightened I might kill him".

"Then go see what he has to say and decide if you can let go of that too".

"When did you get to be so wise?" I smiled at him. "That was always my job".

"Well, I had to take over when you realised that looking after Ron and I wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I had to front up and realise just what you'd been dealing with all these years".

"Thanks Harry", I said hugging him properly now.

It was late but I assumed Ron would still be awake. I'd put Malfoy to the back of my mind for the moment and told myself time and time again that I couldn't allow Ron to make me angry.

I knocked softly on the door of Regulus's bedroom, when Harry had told me Ron had taken to sleeping.

A grunt answered me and told me to come in.

"It's Hermione", I said shakily.

There was silence but then the door was opened by Ron himself. I was expecting him to be angry, to have a look of fury or if not anger then certainly derision.

I got neither of those things.

He looked terrible, completely wrecked like he had given up on everything. The bags under his eyes, the overwhelming look of guilt and the air of defeat was palpable.

"Hermione", he said opening the door further and motioning for me to come in.

I stared at him warily at first, clenched my fists and walked past him.

He closed the door softly behind me and then walked around me to sit on the bed.

I noted the newspapers, the dust, the clothes strewn everywhere and the discarded plates and food.

"I love what you've done with the place", I said before I could help myself but to my shock he laughed lowly.

"I know, I'm a bit of a disaster right now which I know you probably don't care about..."

I didn't answer refusing to take the bait for that statement of pity. I didn't care, that part was true.

"I came to talk to you about everything", I said. "But now that I'm here I find I don't want to. I don't want to make excuses or hear yours. I just want to know if you will let up and allow us to exist civilly".

"You chose him", he whispered softly. "I let you down and because of what I did, you chose him".

I closed my eyes, "Don't think that my choosing him had anything to do with you. If we had stayed together, even got married I would have woken up twenty years from now and regretted my choices. My choosing him now has nothing to do with you". I spoke quietly and evenly determined not to get angry.

"I guess its wishful thinking that I'm the one who drove you into his arms because I can't stand the idea that there was this whole other person almost hiding underneath you that I never knew".

"I didn't know this person was there either, nobody did...well that's not true, Malfoy knew".

"So you're going to be together", said Ron.

"Well probably not because after what you told him..."

"I didn't tell him", he whispered.

"You...what?"

"I said that to hurt you, I didn't tell him. I couldn't do that. I've done enough. I did fight with him, I couldn't help it. All of that about Charity Burbage and Malfoy being at the raids; that's all true and I just couldn't take it".

"Surprisingly, I understand that. I think I would feel the same but like you said I wasn't there. I didn't see any of it so I don't have those memories".

"I couldn't tell him about his mother", Ron sighed. "I'm sorry about everything Hermione, everything".

"I can forgive you Ron but I won't ever forget", I said not looking at him. "A wise friend has told me to let go and I'm only just starting to realise that holding onto everything is toxic".

"So we're okay?"

I turned to go because I could see that in everything I'd said, he was still only hearing what he wanted to hear.

"Oh Ron, we'll never be okay but as long as we can co-exist civilly that's all that matters".

"I'll never accept you and Malfoy; I'll always hate him for what he did". I stared at him a little more, the defeated air, the bags under his eyes, the fact that he was holed up in this room and they'd only been back a few days and it all clicked into place.

"Where's Lavender?"

"She's dead", he replied covering his face with his hands.

"Did Malfoy...?"

"No, he didn't kill her but he was there", Ron began to yell. "He was there Hermione and he saw her die and he didn't do anything". He cried out and I realised then that he really had loved her.

"When was this?"

"About a month ago", he sniffed "But I just found out when we got back".

I recalled how often Malfoy would return and brood and sit in stony silence after these missions and raids. I had wondered what they were doing to his sanity and now I knew what it had meant for him to watch people he knew die.

"What did you want him to do? He was on the other side and he was trying to keep me safe, he couldn't save her", I said softly.

"You were more important to him than anything", said Ron. "But Lavender was important to me".

"I'm sorry Ron", I said. "I can't make this better but you need to know that there wasn't anything Malfoy could have done, they are merciless. They'd have killed her anyway and then him and then me".

"Fenrir killed her, they say it was brutal", said Ron his voice breaking.

The feeling in my gut twisted. Malfoy had only really lost it after he found out I was going to be given to Fenrir and now I realised it was because he had seen what Fenrir could do to a person.

"Let go Ron, if you want to get through this war you have to let go. Mourn afterwards", I said putting my hand on the door.

"You've still got Malfoy, it's easy for you to say".

I was about to retort angrily to his unfair statement, as if Malfoy and I hadn't had our share of heartbreak but he was right. Through everything, Malfoy and I were still here and that had to count for something.

"Night Ron", I said walking out.

I sank down to the floor on the other side of the room and breathed deeply.

"I love him", I whispered to myself. "I love Draco Malfoy and we're still here".