Chapter Thirty-Five
Everything For Us
Life asked death: "Why do people love me but hate you?"
Death responded: "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth".
"Is there anything else we should know?" said Mrs Weasley quietly taking her husband's hand at the table. Everyone was tense, it was palpable.
We'd been sitting there for hours listening to the strategy and the plan of how we were going to attack Hogwarts. In total there were only about twenty of us including all of the Weasley family and all of the remaining members of the Order. We were also expecting the teachers of Hogwarts to join in as soon as they saw us attack.
It had been four days since we had attacked the Manor and Malfoy had taken Sirius's death harder than the murder of his own father. He often snapped at people if they asked him a simple question or remained silent with a scowl on his face such that I hadn't seen since his high and mighty Hogwarts days.
What I hadn't expected was how protective and possessive he had been of me in the last few days. I wasn't allowed out of his sight for more than a moment and if anybody other than Harry touched me, he visibly tensed.
I told him that in a time of war his behaviour was understandable but in a time of peace this might be considered suffocating. I said it jokingly, trying to bring some humour between us.
He had turned to me, arms locking protectively around my waist as he gazed at me solemnly. "I have nightmares that they are dragging you away and I keep thinking that bad guys don't get what they want and one day you will be taken away from me and it will be all that I deserve".
"The Death Eaters won't drag me away from you", I replied softly, caressing his cheek with my fingers.
"In my dreams, they are all dragging you away, Death Eaters, members of the Order. It doesn't matter", he said his eyes glazing over as his thoughts drifted. "Evil wears many faces and while they all seem to accept that we are together now, who knows what it will be like when this is all over".
I had locked my arms around him and buried my face in his neck. I hadn't said anything because I knew that there was nothing I could say. A tiny part of me resented him for the pain he had not only caused me but everyone else and I knew that he would be haunted forever by his actions. He had a point, Harry and the others accepted us for now despite the fact that they were still wary of Malfoy. I had worried that him killing his father would forever make them hate him but instead they seemed to accept that Lucius must have committed some heinous crimes against his own son to warrant such treatment.
Draco's past actions would follow us forever, it was embedded in both of us and it would always hang over his head. He would never think that he deserved what he had for as long as he lived and that would slowly eat away at him. It would make him question my love for him, he would never be content with accepting how things were and he would also, unconsciously, find a way to try and destroy it.
If I let him he would wreck everything we had fought so hard to build and right now I no longer knew if I would have the strength to stop him.
"He'll be hiding", said Malfoy breaking my train of thought. "Voldemort will be taking refuge with his snake somewhere, we will have to draw him out".
"I will do that", said Harry quietly and nobody contradicted him, we all knew it had to be him.
"What about the students who are still in there?" I said firmly.
"They will be protected by the good teachers that are left, don't forget that they are still there. Mcgonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, they are all there and on our side", said Lupin sitting down heavily as if everything was becoming just a little too much for him.
Malfoy placed a hand over mine and squeezed tightly.
"It's going to mean a lot of change", said Lupin.
"That means you think a lot of us are going to die", said Fred folding his arms in a moment of unusual seriousness.
"I miss Sirius every day Fred", said Lupin. "He went into this with his eyes wide open the same way the rest of us are doing now. If anyone thinks they can't handle what's about to happen now is the time to leave and believe me the rest of us will form no judgement".
I shouldn't have been shocked when I saw several pairs of eyes flit in Malfoy's direction but I was and it made me furious. I pulled my hand out from under his and smacked my fist off the table.
"Leave it", he whispered warningly.
"You lot are unbelievable. He has lost everything, more than any of you. You all still have each other but Malfoy had to turn his back on his entire family in order to save me and be here. He had to go against everything he was taught to believe in. How do you think it would feel to be on his side for once?"
"It's not that we don't think he can handle it", said Ron, the last person I expected to speak. "It's that...we're still trying to trust him. You're forgetting the things we saw him do and he killed Dumbledore".
"I'm not forgetting that Ronald, I will never be allowed to forget that as long as you lot remember it. But what you need to remember is that I'm here because of him, he killed Lucius, his mother died in order to save him, Snape trusts him and if I recall correctly if Malfoy hadn't killed Dumbledore Snape would've had to do it. Malfoy doing it turned out to be a blessing because you still have a spy and you would have thought Snape a traitor if he had killed Dumbledore".
"She's right Ron, we're going to have to forget about the Dumbledore thing", said Harry raising his hand when Ron tried to speak again. "I know that Malfoy didn't know about Snape or about Dumbledore being sick and dying anyway but he had his own reasons for doing what he did. He did it to save his mother, who died anyway but he also did it to save Hermione and she is still here. Can you honestly say that any of us would have survived for nine months in Malfoy Manor?"
"I appreciate that Potter but Weasley is right, I can't be trusted when I'm only out for myself but I will do anything I can to keep her safe", he motioned to me with his head. "That's the best I can give you, it worked in the Manor and it will work now when we get to Hogwarts. She's the only thing keeping me from walking out that door, that and the fact that everything I've done will have been for nothing if I leave now".
"Sirius trusted you and that's good enough", said Lupin now rising to his feet and taking Tonk's hand. "I think we should all get some rest spend time with our loved ones".
Everyone left the room in drips and drabs but eventually there was Ron, Harry, Malfoy and myself.
"I think you should be calling me Draco by now", said Malfoy turning to face me and smirking slightly after everyone had gone.
"I've called you Draco before", I said frowning at him.
"Very rarely, you only call me by my last name", he said as the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile.
"Well you call me Granger", I smiled at him. "To be honest, I always kind of liked that you were the only one who called me Granger".
"Then that's what I'll continue to call you", he said kissing the knuckles of my hand.
"I'll try to remember to call you Draco then if you like", I said sighing like it was a big deal.
He laughed sharply, "I'll be happy if you can remember it occasionally".
"Excuse us if we continue to call you Malfoy then", said Harry coughing in order to interrupt us.
"But we can stay away from the insults like ferret if you do", said Ron.
"I've never called you ferret", said Malfoy smirking.
"You know what I mean", replied Ron.
"Deal", said Draco.
A strange companionable silence crept over us as we sat there, unsure how to proceed but knowing that something had shifted perhaps only an inch but it would be enough.
"This will make things easier", I said finally addressing the feeling.
"We don't know what will happen tomorrow", said Draco.
"But we can say that for now, things are okay?" said Harry raising an eyebrow in question.
"For now things are okay", repeated Draco getting to his feet. "I think rest is a good idea. Not that anyone in this house will sleep tonight; once again dawn is going to seem too far away and too close".
"I miss him too", said Harry.
"I have no reason to miss him", said Draco shrugging. "I feel pathetic mourning someone I had no attachment to".
"Of course you had an attachment to him, in the last week before...before it happened...you spent the most time with him".
"He talked about you a lot", said Draco. "Just thought I should mention it".
I got to my feet and moved around the table to hug Harry and before I could rethink the idea, I squeezed Ron's arm. He and I would never be fully okay but I could at least show him that for this last gasp we were all in it together.
I turned to Draco, "Rest?"
He nodded and together we walked out of the room. We had only reached the second floor when he pushed me against the wall and ground his hips into mine, using a knee to force my legs apart.
"I'm going to make love to you tonight", he growled trailing kisses down my neck and collarbone. "I'm going to claim you wholly and completely again and again".
I whimpered at his touch as his fingers scorched my waist before moving up to capture my breasts and knead them softly.
I stared into his stormy grey eyes and inhaled sharply at the heat I found in them. "Please do Draco".
He kissed me then, hard and deep his tongue massaging my own until the kiss became frenzied and hungry. He pulled me to him roughly and we managed to stagger our way to the bedroom in the attic kissing with a fevered intensity that left me breathless.
He tore my clothes off and his own as he shoved me naked and wanting onto the bed. Before I knew it he had entered me, latching his mouth onto my neck and pounding ferociously into me again and again whispering his love and his commitment to me and any future we might be lucky enough to have.
He made love to me three times that night and each time was more frenzied than the last before we collapsed into each other's arms, slick with sweat and breathing heavily. Neither of us slept, we lay there wondering what was to come and what would happen next; nothing was said words were superfluous now and we would have been impervious to any attempts of consolation.
In the lust of the moment and the calm afterwards, neither of us even thought about casting the little charm we had been so careful about before. Conception was the last thing on either of our minds, convinced as we were that tomorrow would only bring death.
But that was all it took, one frenzied night and Draco would now be a permanent part of me.
But in that moment neither of us knew it or even thought about it.
For that last night it was just the two of us.