HELLOOOO! UPDATE UPDATE MY DEAR READERS!
As is now usual (sorry), I'm late. But I did my best and I hope you will like it :) Please be patient, life gets very annoying at times. Or all the time. You know that feeling, no?
*btw someone said that it takes 5 minutes to bleed out if you cut your artery - I am no doctor, but I found that it takes about 10 minutes? Well, let's just be glad Karma survived XDD
COZ THE NEXT TIME HE WON'T HAHAHAHAHAH
ups.
Third Person's P.O.V.
Karma was supposed to stay in the hospital for at least five more days, that he knew. He also knew that - being labeled as mentaly unstable - or suicidal for that matter, he was to be put into a mental institute on a suicide watch. And yet there he stood, back in Kunigigaoka, in front of one of the bigger rooms in the dorms with a certain strawberry head behind him.
"Are you going or not?" Asano asked, no bite in his tone. He was holding a bag with Karma's belongings in one hand, his own's in the other.
The redhead said nothing, only entering and taking in the interior. The room was about twice as big as his old one, there was also a small spot for cooking and of course, the bathroom. On the left side was a blue bed, on the right near the window another, both neatly made and seemingly new.
As for why exactly Karma was moving into the new, bigger room with the student council president - he himself wasn't that sure. Two days ago, Asano just suddenly came, and declared two options: either the boy would stay longer in this hospital and then be put into proffesionals' care (mental hospital) for uknown time, or he was allowed to leave sooner, having to (obediently - but that, Asano didn't say outloud) live in the dorms together with Gakushuu and no one would find out about the redhead's suicide attempt. Obviously Karma realized that his fellow classmate intended to keep an eye on him, but logically, this was the only possible choice he could make. Though he did wonder how the strawberry blonde managed to 1/ persuade the hospital to release him, 2/ demand his not being put into the doctors' hands, and 3/ make the new chairman pair them up for the dormitory room in the middle of the school year.
When he mentioned that, the only response he got was a snort, arrogant look, and the words: "I'm Gakushuu Asano, what would you expect?"
Most certaintly not kindness or any display of feelings.
Well, anyway, here they were.
"Which bed do you want? I don't really care," the strawberry blond said as he put down the bags and opened the only window. He muttered something about there not being enough of fresh air and then returned to the redhead, still waiting for an answer.
However, the everlasting silence was persistent.
"What, not talking? Where did all the sarcasm go? Not that I complain," Asano tried out again with lots of mockery in his voice, making an extremely smug face.
It was only when Karma didn't react even to such provocation did he understand that this was not an issue solvable that easily. Well, of course he was aware of how serious this was, but he let himself hope that the pride and love for mischeif would make the redhead recover quicker.
"You know I was lying," the student president added calmly, trying to look into the golden eyes of his classmate. He did not succeed as those were still glued to the floor. Gakushuu sighed, deciding not to put any more pressure on him.
"Well, anyway, I'm taking this one then. Unless you have any objections," he nodded towards the bed on the right.
The bags he was holding just a while ago were now on the floor, the students had enough of time to sort their belongings later. It was only sunday morning after all, something after nine a.m. so there wasn't much to worry about. (Just kidding, Asano had a lot to do.) But still, at this moment, the most important thing was to somehow get through to Karma, or this co-living thing would be pointless.
"You know what, come here. We need to set some rules if we live together."
And with that, he pulled the redhead's sleeve, intending to drag him somewhere to sit and... chat.
However, he was promtly stopped when Karma broke away from the hold, a very sharp look in his eyes:
"No."
Gakushuu would smile at the fact that his classmate finally spoke up, but the annoyance from being defied was greater: "What?"
"If your rules consist of stop being depressed, don't cut or obey me, then no," he explained, protectively tugging the end of his jacket to cover the white bandages around his wrists. That of course did not escape the other's gaze.
Asano was quite surprised by those words though. He raised an eyebrow at first but then his expression flattened and returned to neutral, his initial anger subsiding.
"And if they don't?" he plainly asked, which confused the former E-class student.
"What if they don't consist of any of that?" Gakushuu repeated, this time more adamant. "Because I'm not going to say that bullcrap. I know it doesn't work and it's not like I want to waste my breath with all the empty words."
The strawberry blonde felt satifsaction build inside his chest at the sight of Karma actually listening, somewhat stunned. He decided that sitting down was not really that important and carried on his speech.
"I wanted to - however - say, that the only reason I got you out of the hospital was because I suspected being locked up would do you no better. Other than that, I wanted to believe you didn't really want to end your life," he said the last part a bit more hesitantly, though still clearly enough to be heard.
"Be honest. Did you do it with a clear head?"
Gakushuu has been trying to observe Akabane's body language for some time now. It wasn't hard to guess that he was feeling uncomfortable and maybe afraid, but hell what would it even be for? He didn't need to be an expert to notice the frequent shifting from one leg to another, or to see how he always pulled his sleeves to hide the bandage. But what could he with that knowledge? Nothing at all. There was absolutely nothing he could do and it infuriated him.
Finally, Karma admitted: "No."
And the student council president couldn't help but feel so much relieved: "Good," he let out the breath he didn't even realize he was holding. "Good... Thanks god,"
"What," the other snapped.
"No, it's just... I can still help you."
"You and help," Karma snorted in a strange, un-mocking way, which made the situation even more concerning than it already was. "What do I owe for such an act of generousity from the all mighty, perfect Asano-kun?"
"Why is it so hard to believe I'm trying to help?" Asano sent him a glare.
"I see no profit in it for you to be doing it."
Okay, that actually hurt. Why does it always have to be about profit? (Alright, he had a history, but still).
"I want to help you because I understand," he explained as seriously as he could. But it was obvious that his classmate was nowhere near believing that.
"No, you don't," the redhead rolled his eyes.
"Yes, I do,"
"No, you don't, mister Loved-by-all, admired-by-all, accepted-by-all. You really do not understand. You must be thinking I'm crackbrained and pathetic to be cutting myself, don't you?!"
Karma spat that in one breath, feeling all his frustration getting out. It was hard to stop by now and it's not like he could have stayed silent any longer. All this sweet talking and the careful behaviour Asano displayed was making him feel even more ashamed and hateful towards himself, than he already was.
Yet the strawberry blonde seemed absolutely unfazed by those words. He actually seemed prepared to hear them. To some extend, it was reassuring. And also scary.
"Karma, do you really think I'm that flawless?" He finally said after a long pause.
"Oh and aren't you?"
"No, I'm not."
The redhead expected the student council president to be as arrogant and smug as ever so when he heard this answer, he was taken aback. He already wanted to retort back some sarcastic remark but got promptly stopped by the next confesssion.
"I used to be like you too, you know?"
This was starting to creep Karma out.
"What are you talking about," he carefully asked, not sure whether he wanted to hear it
Asano's tongue didn't want to work properly. He didn't mean to say this. He didn't want and wasn't even ready to do this. But his stupid mouth just couldn't stop. And hearing Karma's words encouraged him to blurt it out.
The thing is, he knew how horrible it is to think you were all alone and different. It was painful to believe no one did and could ever understand your feelings and your fears. Or that you were 'weird' one. The 'broken' one. But that was not the truth. To a certain point, we all feel like this. And even if we couldn't completely comprehend it, at least we could show that they are not alone and that it is alright to ask for help.
That's why he decided to continue.
"I never thought I was enough, even if I was the best in the school, even if I won all the competitions, it was never enough to be acknowledged by my father. I thought I was not worth of being loved, that I was unwanted,"
It was strange to say it outloud.
"'Friends' were never people whom I could rely on, or whom I could trust. I had to win them through my achievements and even then, the friendship was based on nothing but the fact that I was the ruler and they were the ones who obeyed. I felt isolated and different. And I was... desperate,"
And even though he has always been told to be strong,
"I believed I was doing everything wrong and that I was not good enough to have a normal life."
"You are lying," Karma tried to stop the boy but it was obvious he himself knew that Gakushuu wasn't lying.
"Every day, I wondered why I didn't feel happy when I was smiling, or why I never could say things I wanted to despite my so called silver tongue. And just by thinking of that made me feel stupid and sentimental."
Asano took a deep breath and gave the redhead a gentle yet guilty look: "You say you are 'crackbrained' and 'pathetic' for cutting and for being depressed? Then that makes me 'crackbrained' and 'pathetic' as well then?"
The redhead was too shocked to even say anything. He stared at the fellow boy, trying to process what he just said. That Asano? That brilliant, perfect Asano Gakushuu just said that he felt depressed? That he knew what cutting felt like? That he-
"Did you... try to-" kill yourself?
"No," the strawberry blonde answered, though hesitantly, "but I thought about it."
No matter how much Karma wanted to reject that idea, to say that all of those were lies, he couldn't. Because it wasn't a lie. Nothing. Not even a word. And while he scared by that fact, he suddenly felt relieved.
"And you managed to hide the from your father? That all-knowing monster?"
"Do you really think I could?"
His eyes widened in realization.
"He found out a month after I started with selfharm. He didn't say a thing, just gave me a disdainful and disapproving look. I bet he was too disappointed to even care anymore."
The memory was still stuck in his head. The morning Gakushuu forgot to lock the bathroom and the chairman suddenly came in at the exact time his son had a razor already cutting through the skin and painting it red. The horror he felt the moment it dawned on him that he was found out. The shame and yet the hope that maybe- maybe his father would realize how empty and horrible Gakushu felt. Maybe he would demand that Gakushuu stopped, maybe he would hold him in the arms and ask for forgiveness. Or be angry at him, lecture him, anything - any reaction, any feeling, any proof that he cared.
Yet the only thing he got was a frown and the word disgusting.
After hearing that, he cut even more. Every day. Every freaking moment he could. His life felt meaningless and he thought- no one cares anyway. So why try any longer? Why not just give up?
But he couldn't. He was angry at his father for being so coldhearted and if he really did kill himself, it would feel like he lost against the chairman. And if one thing was for sure, it was that he wouldn't be able to bear losing against a man he despised so much.
He told Karma that story, somehow, in a brief version. He got a nasty remark about the chairman from the redhead, which made him chuckle.
And to conclude, he added: "That's how I realized that this lead nowhere and immediately stopped."
Which didn't seem like the smartest thing to say. Karma stiffened out of sudden, his face twisting into a strange grimase: "Are you trying to brag?"
"No, I'm just saying that I could stop."
"Because you are stronger than me?" his voice was becoming more and more dangerous.
"No, because unlike you who had no one, I had a monster to slay."
Once again, the so very hated silence took over.
"But that isn't really truth, is it? I saw you with that E class of yours and- what was his name again? Koro-sensei. You seemed genuinely happy with them," Asano allowed himself to grin a bit.
"Shut up."
He took that as a cue to stop.
Yet he knew that the whole atmosphere has improved significantly. Karma was no longer distancing himself, he spoke, he showed emotions. And that was good.
That was great.
He could do this.
They could do this.
"What about we become friends?" The strawberry blonde suggested, a hand reached out in a welcoming manner.
The other glanced at him, puzzled, and then at the hand.
"I mean, I don't have anyone to trust anyway and you wouldn't mind having a friend at this time either, would you?"
Karma took that hand waiting for him, squeezing it: "You will keep my secret and I will keep yours. Deal?"
Satisfied, Asano smiled: "Deal."
And he really believed that they would pull through.