AYO DARLINGS! FIRSTLY, THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS, FOLLOWS AND FAVS, I LOVE LOVE LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH T.T SECONDLYI need to stop writing in caps. Okay - I know I am late, but now it's finally holiday (heh, not really, still have to work) so I think the updates will be quicker!
I shall probably explain myself - updating took me long for various reasons. One of them is that this fic is going to end soon (sorry, but it really is) and I needed a way to start up the final... issue, you could say. This particular chapter is more of that "start" than anything else and I always find it harder to write these "starts" than any other chapters with some action in them, because I want the description, thoughts and all around to really fit to the character and plot.
In this case, I struggled with mixing the good and bad that Karma was going through.
So yeah. The point - thinking is hard.
"Ready?" Asano asked, standing in front of the doors to the 1-A classroom.
The redhead did his best to keep calm. There was absolutely nothing to be scared of, honestly, it was just a normal school day, a normal classroom with (almost) normal students. No danger. No monsters. Just him.
Him and the world.
"No," he choked out after what seemed like eternity, breaking the eyecontact.
"Come on, you're so close. Just a few steps. Or are you going to back down like a scaredycat?"
Karma sighed: "I didn't say that,"
And sure enough, he wasn't going to run away, especially not when he finally beated his butt out of the apartment. Don't get the wrong idea though, it wasn't because of Asano's taunting. He made a promise and he intended to keep it.
"Great," the strawberry blonde smirked, yet he quickly dropped the sly attitude. They still had five minutes to the start of the first period but in that little time, they had to get through this irrational fear. Asano didn't quite understand why exactly his friend found the return to his daily life so difficult - was he worried anyone would see the cuts? Or that someone would find out about what happened? It didn't make sense. Though, since when do feelings make sense?
"Karma, let's go," he reached out his hand, a reassuring smile on his lips.
Easy to say, hard to do. Oh well, it was actually easy to do as well. He just had lift his right hand and take Asano's. That was it. But that wasn't all.
That hand was the only thing that has prevented him from completely destroying himself. It was these hands that held him together when he crumbled, when he thought the whole world was breaking underneath him. He knew they were there for him. He knew that those wouldn't hurt him. He knew Asano wouldn't hurt him. So now, he just had to simply entrust himself into the sole safe place in this world.
"Yeah," he nodded and reached out to the warm palm that patiently waited there for him, ready to guide and protect.
The redhead didn't know what he expected. For his absence to be ignored? For everything to be the same? He has missed school for almost three weeks after all, providing absolutely no information whatsoever about his wherabouts or well being. Or at least so he thought.
"We heard you were pretty sick, is that true?" one of his classmates asked after the first period and soon, many more started swarming around him.
"Yeah, I guess," he pretended light-hearted mood though inside, he was quite panicking.
"What was even wrong with you?" another question came and it was the one he feared the most.
Indeed - what was wrong with him even, really?
"Hey, it's rude to ask that," someone remarked, which pretty much saved him from making up stories that didn't even make sense.
"I bet he was just slacking off and having fun somewhere," another boy rolled his eyes.
"Or wasting time with games,"
"And bullying elementary school kids,"
And there it was. The usual gossips and accusations. He was used to them, to the class thinking the worst of him, to them voicing out every single thing they didn't like about him. It's not like just because he suddenly became first in the exams, they started respecting or anyhow acknowledging him. Sure, the school system changed, the attitude of teachers and students changed, but that didn't change the fact that some people here were assholes with the need to show off because they had low self esteem. It was easy to irritate those - just the fact that he was smarter than them was enough to set off a passive-agressive war from their side. They were jealous. They were arrogant. Not to mention, the prejudice towards class E still persisted - not so strongly, alright, but it was still there. And as Karma was the only one left from E-class, he got all the "love".
He was used to it all but sometimes, it didn't help.
"Haha, for the whole month?"
"He's capable of it, totally"
"True," the class admitted and started laughing, with occasional slacker or malingerer being dropped.
He wondered why he returned to the class again.
He could have stayed home and studied on his own, nobody to disturb him, nobody to remind him that there was absolutely no one and nothing in this place that he cared about or what would care about him.
"I can reassure you that he wasn't ditching," a clear voice suddenly pulled him away from his thoughts.
Correction.
No one and nothing apart from this prick of an asshole Asano Gakushuu. This prick of an asshole Asano Gakushuu who currently occupied reasons-to-live list with his 1/ backrubs and 2/ defeat.
While Karma stared in surprise, the others forgot about him and instead turned at the strawberry blonde, who started saying some thought up story which actually didn't sound like a bullshit. But the boy didn't really pay attention.
It was strange to have someone - let alone the student council president and idol of their whole school - stand up to him. On one side, it was very nice of him. On the other, it maddened Karma to no end. In fact, it offended him to the point he actually wanted to stand up and shout out that he was just stuck at home playing games and ditching school on purpose (even though he wasn't) just to for once let the strawberry blonde be wrong. It was insulting how his words were left unheard, unnoticed, but just one mention from his rival could persuade the whole school. Or the world.
Did he really matter that little?
Was he really that worthless?
He didn't say a word to that and only excused himself to the restroom, feeling a pair of amethyst eyes following him. Ignoring them, he swiftly walked out of the class and then went to the toilet, locking himself inside a cubicle. He hoped to get some peace and perhaps calm down and realize that he was overthinking, his feelings were too raw and too irrational, but that seemed near to impossible at the moment.
Not even five minutes later, the sound of door opening interrupted him.
"What's wrong?" Asano knocked on the door.
Karma was aware that all the latter did was meant well, but his breath still came out hard, his mind was still repeating the same worthless worthless worthless mantra and his chest burned as much as the moment before he took a razor and cut himself.
"Nothing," the former E-class student answered, though it was obvious he was lying, "I just need to pee. Can't I?"
"That's not how you look when you need to pee. You are too lazy to go pee so you usually hold it in until you can't anymore and then run for your life to finally do it," it startled, or maybe even disturbed the redhead how much he was being observed in the last month, "What's the matter?" Asano wanted to know again.
That stubborn smartass.
"Nothing, really," he retorted, immediately regretting losing his cool, and then rubbed his eyes, "Sorry. Just leave me alone for a bit. Please,"
There was no point in telling him.
He wouldn't get it anyway.
"You know you can talk to me,"
No, he couldn't, because this perfect Asano wouldn't understand, because this situation was ridiculous and he would get laughed at for caring what the others say about him.
"I said I'm here to help you and I can't do that if you lock yourself on the toilet,"
The redhead felt like the sky was falling on him. He covered his face with palms, trying to find some refuge in the darkness they provided and hopefully muffling out the groan he accidentally let out.
"Karma," the other called out, this time his voice carrying a hint of worry, "open the door,"
"No" he shook his head, even though Asano couldn't see him.
"Open it. I don't need you to talk, just open it,"
He felt like crying, honestly, but he was at school, in an unfamiliar territory and showing weakness here was unacceptable. Also, to break down just because of something like this, the first thing in the morning after finally going to school, determined to check on the strawberry blonde as well, after promising to get better... Pathetic.
"Open the door, Karma," he was urged again.
The boy dully opened his eyes and moved his hand to the lock. He left it there for a while, thinking.
Even though there was absolutely nothing in him that wanted to see a single human being now, he knew he had to face the reality. And if he wasn't able to act for his own sake, he would at least try to for Asano's.
With a hesitant click, he unlocked the cubicle and pushed to door, stepping out. The student council president was standing there, his expression something between a smile and frown. He didn't waste a single second to wrap his arms around the latter and gently caress the head that weakly fell on his shoulders.
"You did great," Asano praised him.
"Shut up," the latter muttered, "all I did was walk out of the toilet,"
Funny as it was, he was right. Yet it took him more effort than he thought was even possible.
"True, but you did, nevertheless. And that's great,"
"Do I get a reward as well?" he ironically asked.
"Hm, maybe. If you pull through today, I'm buying you the strawberry milk you love that much,"
At that, the boy shot his head up in surprise. Was Asano really being that kind today?
Then why not ask for something better?
"A strawberry shortcake," Karma beamed and it was so precious his friend found it hard to say no.
Just look at the puppy eyes though. How could he refuse?
"Fine, a strawberry shortcake," he sighed and slightly smiled at the victorious face staring at him.
And for a while, they both forgot about what has happened.
Which of course didn't last long for the redhead. School has never been fun (unless it was with Koro-sensei, but he was gone) and he literally suffered every minute there. It's not like the teachers were that boring (though boring they were). The thing is, they were doing things which he more or less already knew. Despite being done with most things, he still had to pretend to be working, because just sitting there and looking around earned him a scolding for "goofing". Afterwards, he always had to deal with others having a word or two to say about how allegedly irresponsible and lazy he was for "half-assedly doing his work" while "others worked so hard".
It was a pain in the ass, but he wanted that strawberry shortcake.
Thanks god, the morning classes already ended. Only two hours left until he could go home.
For now - lunch.
Today, it was him making it. After the incident with Asano on Friday, he forced the boy to take a real break - from absolutely everything, from school, club activities, additional lessons to the normal things like cooking. Asano was quite glad to for once be free of any responsibilites, okay, but being babied, constantly kept in the bed and forbiden to even review his notes was just plain over the line.
Well, on Sunday, the regime eased up a bit. Just a tiny bit though. Which means he was allowed to walk around the room without having glares shot at him.
Akabane could be a dictator when he wanted to.
"Let's go eat lunch," he quietly told the strawberry blonde so that no one would hear them. He didn't want any more questions after all.
"Hm? Yeah, sure, go ahead. I still have to pick up some papers regarding the council work and go through it," he stood up and already started making his way to the teacher's cabinet.
However, the redhead stopped him: "No, I mean now."
At the sudden interruption, he frowned: "I said I still have some things to do. I will join you later,"
"I don't trust you and your 'laters',"
The class president rolled his eyes in exasperation: "Karma, you stuffed me with chicken and vegetable soup yesterday, I had a breakfast with you this morning and already drank a cup of coffee. I can survive two more hours,"
The other however shook his head in disapproval: "No can do,"
"Just go the hell ahead,"
But the boy stood his ground: "If you don't eat, then I won't either,"
A good minute, the two of them kept staring at each other, waiting until one of them gave up.
"You're impossible," the class president finally sighed and started searching through his bag for the lunch box, "Fine, let's go,"
And eating with him was probably the only time in the whole day that Karma didn't hate.
They finally managed to get through that first day, although barely. Then came the second, third, fourth day and Asano for once believed it, when he thought that they were making a huge step forward. What he however didn't know was that Karma's aversion towards school remained there, shamefuly there, unspoken. He didn't want to trouble Asano after being such a pain, after letting him think that things were getting better. He knew he was, in a way, cheating - lying to both the strawberry blonde and himself. But stopping was hard. Bringing himself to voice out his fears was hard. Doing anything that would worry his friend was hard.
It was sad, but he was slowly getting back to zero. Late nights spent wishing he didn't have to wake up tomorrow and go to school, because teachers were dull, classmates shallow, days felt bleak and his heart heavy.
Today morning was no different. Even after giving Asano a smile, getting up from the bed and splashing cold water into his face, he still felt like a corpse. He itched to do something, anything that would wake him up, return his soul to the body. Nothing he tried worked.
He received the results of yesterday's test, but even that 100% mark written there didn't stir up any joy in him.
Neither did the next one.
And all the others he got later on.
All it did was pile up on his desk and remind him that no matter how much he tried, he still felt as good for nothing as always.
It was probably a week later, long past midnight, when he actually decided to confess to Asano. The two of them went to bed only ten minutes ago, but the whole time Karma wondered what to do, until he at last mustered enough courage to speak up.
"Asano," his call was careful, unsure of whether the latter already slept.
"Hm," the other one muttered, the lethargy was obvious.
Karma couldn't have chosen a better time for this, could he?
"Do you mind if we talk a bit?"
"Kinda tired... but sure,"
The redhead stopped to think. How much has Asano even slept yesterday? Five hours? Wasn't as bad as it used to be, but it wasn't much either.
"I..." but he got promptly stuck, "um, you know..." How was he supposed to say it? What did he want to say in the first place?
He closed his eyes in despair. He didn't know how long he stayed like that, but it was killing him.
Speak, for god's sake.
Say it.
Whatever is fine, just start.
"I need help," came out of him eventually, "I can't do this anymore," he added, anxious of what the other one would say.
But the reply never came.
He realized that Gakushuu was already sleeping. And he didn't blame him. He was bitter, but he didn't blame him, because it was late, the boy was tired and it was Karma's fault for not sorting out his thoughts sooner.
The next day, he dismissed the strawberry blonde, when he asked what it was Karma wanted to talk about yesterday.
Two days later, he finally cut.