Chapter 19 – Reactions, Responses and Regrets
Catherine wondered if she had time enough to check her e-mails - a quick glance at the clock on the kitchen wall showed her that she had twenty more minutes before she would have to leave the house. It was the weekend after Valentine's Day, and she wondered if Camille might have news for her. She had read between the lines of her daughter's e-mails that she and Richard were an 'item' now, although Camille hadn't given her any details. Basically, she had mentioned Richard regularly in her messages now – she had said they had spent New Year's Eve together, but Catherine didn't know if they had been alone or if they had been out with other people, maybe in a public place… and she had talked about going for walks with him.
That was all good and well, but Catherine was dying to know how far their relationship had developed by now. However… it was none of her business, and she was well aware of that, so she didn't really dare asking any questions. Camille was old enough to run her own life, and if she wanted to be with Richard, that was fine with her mother.
Catherine had not really expected that anything would come out of a re-encounter between Camille and Richard, but she had figured that Camille needed closure, and for that, it was essential that these two met again. Catherine knew only too well how you could idolise someone who was far away, and she felt that Camille hadn't been free since Richard's sudden departure from Saint Marie. And surely, Richard would also need clarity – so for Catherine, it had always been a 'no-brainer' that they should get together if the opportunity came up.
Apparently, Richard had understood that he had only one life… during his time on Saint Marie, Catherine had sometimes had the impression that he was living his life like he was 'on hold', sitting on the fence, hoping that it would get better if he just waited for long enough. He had never seemed happy with anything – life to him apparently was only a series of inconveniences. There had been times when she – and Camille, too! – had wanted to reform him, but eventually they had given up – you couldn't force anyone to live their life differently. People only changed their life if they really wanted to.
From what Camille had mentioned, though, Richard had changed to a certain extent since he had moved back to the UK. It seemed like the penny had finally dropped and he had become more active, not only physically, but also in other aspects. Camille had talked about them spending time outdoors, about visiting museums, about sightseeing – and in passing, she had mentioned that Richard was fitter now than he had been on Saint Marie because he got more exercise. Catherine had already heard from Jennifer that Richard had made a few changes, but she had figured that her friend was maybe only seeing what she wanted to see – so it had been interesting to hear Camille saying the same thing. According to Camille, he was still very much the same in some respects – but rather different in others. That sounded intriguing – and promising.
When she opened her e-mail client, she saw that there were two new messages – one from Camille and one from Jennifer. She wondered if this was only coincidental…
Curiously, she opened Camille's message. The first thing she saw was a photo of golden jewelry – she clicked on it to enlarge the picture, and she saw a set of a necklace and matching earrings… the pendant and the earrings were perfectly shaped frangipani flowers with tiny diamonds in the centre. Now, what was that? In a hurry, she began to read, and her eyes widened when she realised that Richard had given Camille this set for Valentine's Day and that they had spent 'the most wonderful weekend' together.
Wow – that was much more than Catherine would have expected – and the jewelry wasn't only extraordinarily beautiful, it surely had been quite expensive, too. If Richard spent so much money on a Valentine's gift for Camille, she must mean a lot to him… and he was finally ready to show his affection. Catherine had often been annoyed with Richard's seemingly misanthropic attitude, and he could be rather stingy, too – so the fact that he splurged on jewelry for Camille was remarkable! It certainly indicated that he was ready to make some sort of commitment…
Hastily, she continued to read her daughter's message. Camille wrote 'We visited Richard's parents who have relocated to Gloucestershire a while ago. I was a little nervous, but they seemed quite happy to see me, and I think we are now somewhat officially an 'established couple'. I've met his parents, after all (well, I knew them before, obviously, but it's different now – you know what I mean!)… It's hard to believe that things have panned out like this. I know you might not have had this in mind when you urged me to try and find Richard so I'd get closure. I can admit now that I had wanted to see him again – but only after I had finished my course. I hadn't expected we'd bump into one another so soon after my course started, and I was quite shaken and upset when it happened, but now I'm so glad that it all turned out like this, and I think it might have been destiny or fate or whatever intervening… Of course, Richard will have none of that. He says it was just a very happy coincidence… but I'm not so sure!"
Catherine smiled to herself. Camille sounded really perfectly happy… She went on for a bit longer, explaining that things had developed into this direction since around November, but that she hadn't said anything because she had not wanted to spill the beans while everything had been 'fresh, raw and uncertain'. She wrote "You know how we have always been attracted to one another, but of course, mutual attraction isn't enough to make things work. We had to sort ourselves out and find out what we really wanted, and as long as that hadn't happened, I thought it was wiser not to say anything. I know you will understand…"
And yes, Catherine understood, indeed!
Still smiling, she opened Jennifer's e-mail… she had an idea of what Richard's mother might have written.
And sure enough, Jennifer's e-mail was about Richard's and Camille's visit. Catherine couldn't help but laugh out loud when she read the beginning of her friend's message…
Jennifer wrote "You know what, Richard came to visit us over the weekend, and he brought a surprise guest – Camille was with him. I felt like I was Katharine Hepburn in 'Guess who's coming for dinner' – in a good way, though, and without all the bittersweet feelings and the worries that are so prevalent in the film! I have absolutely no doubts that these two will be happy together. Camille knows exactly how to take him, and he has loosened up somewhat under her influence, I think. Of course, initially, Richard was his usual slightly pompous self – you know that I love him to bits, but he does have this air about him sometimes… particularly when he's insecure. I think he wasn't quite sure how we would react. I didn't let on that I knew that Camille was in the UK – it seemed sensible not to tell them. Richard doesn't know about our correspondence, and from what you said, Camille isn't aware of it, either, so I didn't want to give them the impression that we were weaving a plot against them… They are so very sweet together – not like turtle doves, but like great friends who know each other well. Actually, I wasn't sure at first how far their relationship has developed, so I came up with asking if Richard wanted to have the sofa in the living room so Camille could have the guestroom. He said then that they 'know each other well enough for sharing the guestroom', so it seems they are quite serious. And their behaviour indicates the same – it's not 'casual' or non-committal. Of course, Richard isn't very demonstrative in his affection, but it's obvious that they are in love, and I'm really, really happy for them. And for myself – you know how I've been feeling about Richard being so lonely… Graham is pretty excited, too. He thinks Camille is a little too straightforward sometimes, but he says that this might be precisely what Richard needs."
Catherine giggled. Graham had a point here. It had always been fun to see Camille and Richard interact – they had a secret code with one another without even being aware of it. Catherine remembered how Camille had missed Richard when he had gone to London to escort Vicky Woodward – she had been horribly moody during that week – and unbelievably excited about his return. Her demonstrative aloofness when he was due to return had not deceived Catherine for one moment…
It had never been like that with Humphrey. For a while, Catherine had thought Camille might become interested in the new inspector, but that didn't happen – she had never forgotten Richard. And actually, Catherine was glad about Camille's lack of romantic interest in Humphrey now – since her departure, a few things had happened that had cemented her personal conviction that a relationship between these two would never have worked out. Humphrey simply was too erratic, too eager to please, too nice. Camille would have been bored out of her wits with him in the long run, and her patience would have run out quickly. Clearly, Richard had been difficult, too – he had been so keen on being independent and self-sufficient… on showing that he didn't need anyone… he had had a tendency to keep people at arm's length and rebuff them if they had tried to get closer, but little by little, he had let Camille in – and it seemed that they didn't have these issues any longer now.
As it was, Humphrey had recently caused quite a stir on Saint Marie – or rather, his father had caused a stir by trying to make his son return to the UK to save his marriage. It had been quite interesting to see Goodman senior and Humphrey together – they had come across quite differently. In contrast to Richard and his father who clearly had some key features and characteristics in common, Humphrey and Martin Goodman were rather dissimilar. Humphrey was a very sociable man while Martin Goodman had come across as somewhat haughty, and he had decidedly felt that his son was wasting his time here on Saint Marie. His attitude had changed towards the end of his stay, but it had still been obvious that these two men didn't have much in common.
Catherine had wondered sometimes if all families were dysfunctional in one way or another. Humphrey clearly had issues with his father – she hadn't met his mother, so she didn't know much about his relationship with her, and he hadn't mentioned her much. He had, however, talked about his brothers and how he had always been the odd one out, the underdog, the bullied one… So, he hadn't been an overly happy child, from what Catherine had gathered. And Richard and his parents weren't overly close, either – they loved each other – in their own awkward way -, that much was obvious, but there was a distance and reservedness between them – emotionally – that Catherine had seen with some sadness and concern.
It had made her wonder if Richard was capable of showing love at all… she had been very worried for Camille when she had realised that her feelings for Richard were going so deep. Camille could take a lot of things, but she couldn't take loveless behaviour. It seemed, however, that Richard had learnt to express himself a little better – according to Camille, he still was reserved, and he could be quite the cynic, but he made efforts to loosen up, and they obviously had found a way to communicate that Camille found satisfying.
Her thoughts returned to parents-children-relationships… She had had a bit of a complicated relationship with her parents, too – they had found it very hard to accept that she hadn't returned to France, but stayed in the Caribbean. But in the end, they hadn't had any choice but come to terms with her decision – and honestly, it hadn't been so much about wanting her to return because they had missed her, but rather about them worrying about what their neighbours and friends thought. They had wanted to present them the picture perfect conventional family… but that hadn't happened. Catherine had chosen not to sacrifice her happiness for her parents' sake.
Her relationship with Camille was very good – they were more like friends than like mother and daughter, but of course, Catherine had been quite young when she had had Camille, and after her husband had disappeared, she and her daughter had developed an even closer bond. It had been very difficult to let her leave for France when the time had come for her to spread her wings, but she had known that Camille had to find her own way… and when she had returned to the Caribbean, Catherine had had to accept that her daughter had become a strong and independent young woman…
Their connection wasn't free of complications, but they respected one another, and Catherine felt that this was the key to their good rapport… she had seen many mother-daughter-relationships where this was different… where the mothers expected their daughters to show them respect, but didn't reciprocate accordingly. She knew that this would never work for her and Camille…
She also knew that given the current circumstances, it was rather unlikely that her daughter would return to Saint Marie. Richard had made no bones about his issues with life in the Caribbean – and Camille had already proven that she could live in Europe without suffering too much…
Of course, she would have preferred to have her daughter being on Saint Marie, but her own personal history showed that parents had to let their children fly away eventually, so - who was she to interfere with Camille's wishes?
For a moment, she considered typing up a quick reply to Camille as well as to Jennifer, but then she realised that she didn't have enough time to do their messages justice, so she closed her e-mails and shut down her laptop. They'd have to wait a little for her reaction – it would be a busy day at the bar…
It was Wednesday evening, and Richard got ready for his weekly trip to Stanmore. He was curious to find out more about Camille's first few days at Hammersmith – she had told him a little about it already, but he wanted to hear more details about the team she would work with, the cases she'd have to deal with and also about the station in general. Camille had a way to make the people and the atmosphere of a place 'real' and 'alive' – her descriptions were usually precise and to the point, and Richard could listen to her for hours…
What had he done without her for so long? He looked in the mirror in his little vestibule and smoothed his hair, remembering their re-encounter in Chuck Norris's office a few months ago and of how things had developed for them since then. He hadn't expected to meet her again after he had left Saint Marie… sometimes he had fantasised about what it would be like to travel to the Caribbean and re-unite with her, but it had all been very unrealistic, as he had known only too well, and usually he had ended up frustrated with himself… It had been difficult not to be angry with himself for not having made a move at her, but at the same time he had wondered if he hadn't got it all wrong and should rather be relieved for not having taken action.
It was useless to dwell on the past, though, so he directed his thoughts down another route… He wondered what Catherine would have to say about him and Camille being a couple now. Camille had told him that she had written to her mother, explaining that they were together now, and the last time they had spoken – this morning, actually – there hadn't been a response yet. He was a little worried – did that mean that Catherine wasn't happy with the whole thing? His parents obviously had been quite pleased to see that he and Camille were an item now. Fortunately, his mother hadn't got too emotional – it still made him feel uncomfortable when people displayed their emotions too openly. And he obviously still had a hard time talking about his own feelings… Camille had teased him afterwards that he had been very sedate and un-emotional when he had said that they knew each other well enough for sharing the guestroom…
But he was learning. They had joked about him getting more confident in the bedroom, but of course, this relationship was so much more. It was all about soul, about faith, about communication, trust and understanding – and while Richard was a little bewildered that something like this would happen to him, he also was deeply grateful that their paths had crossed again.
The interesting thing was that while he had fallen in love with Camille on Saint Marie, his feelings had deepened and become much more intense after they had reconnected here. It had been an amazing experience – on one hand, Camille had remained the same in so many respects… but then on the other hand, she had changed in others. It had been exciting to get to know the 'new' Camille – and discover the 'old' Camille underneath.
But then again – the experiences he had made on Saint Marie had influenced his life in the UK, and he had made changes as a result, so why did it surprise him that Camille had changed to a certain extent, too?
Satisfied with his reflection, he put on his coat and left the house. It would be fun to spend a quiet evening at Camille's place. She had mentioned she'd prepare a potato casserole, and he knew it would be delicious…
But he also knew that – although he would be tempted - he would not stay for too long this time…
With a chuckle, he remembered Sunday evening… It had been a big mistake to stay beyond midnight when they had returned from his parents. He had not taken into consideration that he would have to find a space for the rental car – and his street was a no parking zone. He had ended up leaving Camille's place half an hour past midnight, and of course, all the places he knew of were taken by the time he had arrived. There was a little spot next to the house that resembled a narrow driveway, but it was overgrown with shrubs and bushes – his predecessors hadn't had a car, and so they had used it as an extension of the garden. He had never made any efforts to change this as he quite liked this little wild patch. There was a paved area where he kept the bins, but other than that, you couldn't really use this 'pseudo-driveway'.
So, he had ended up driving in circles for quite a while until he had finally remembered there was a big public lot about a mile away from where he lived – and it usually wasn't full up all the time - but he'd also have to take care of his suitcase, so what to do?
Desperately, he had driven another circle until he had reached his street again, then he had stopped the car in front of his house, hauled the suitcase inside, and driven back to the public lot. There, he had driven around for a while until he had found a space – and after that he had walked home. A mile wasn't all that far, but it had been the middle of the night, and he had been tired…
At around two, he had finally been in bed – and then he had had to get up again at five to return the car in time before going to work.
Needless to say, he hadn't been a very happy camper on that Monday morning…
But it had all worked out, and although he had felt fairly miserable – physically – all day long (and he had almost fallen asleep at his desk at some point!), he hadn't regretted it. The weekend had been fun, and the finale in Camille's flat had all been worth it.
However, he had learnt his lesson. This had been the second time he had tossed reason and common sense overboard on the eve of a workday, and he would not do it again… well, at least not tonight…
Camille heard the doorbell ring and hurried to open the door for Richard. She had good news for him…
After their 'hello kiss' – that they extended quite a bit – she said a little breathlessly "What a good thing that I have already switched off the oven – otherwise, the casserole would be burnt by now!"
They both laughed, and Camille pulled away so Richard could get rid of his coat.
After they had had their dinner and cleared the table, they moved to the sitting area with their wine, and as she sat down, Camille mentioned "I had an e-mail from Maman just this afternoon…"
Richard passed her a slightly apprehensive glance and raised his eyebrows.
She got comfortable on the couch. "Don't worry," she said, noticing his concern. "She's happy for us. I don't think she expected this to happen – but that doesn't mean she's against it. She always encouraged me to go and find you so we could find clarity about what we wanted – she even said I owed it to you because the way we had parted had left both of us in limbo… not that I ever told her about those last minutes in your shack, but of course, we did talk about your unexpected transfer to the UK and how it had affected things… and she naturally sensed my disorientation and confusion afterwards, plus Fidel and Dwayne might have mentioned to her that I hadn't taken your departure very well… not only generally speaking, but also… well, literally."
"Disorientation and confusion? What on earth do you mean?" He was puzzled now. They had never spoken about this in detail, and to be honest, he had never given it another thought… now, she had him wondering, though. Yes, she had said that she had felt lost without him, that she had cried and that she had missed him – and he had acknowledged all that. But this sounded more serious… more intense…
Camille looked at him and tried to decide how much she wanted him to know. It was history, after all – wasn't it pointless to dwell on it and most probably make him feel bad? On the other hand, it might put things into perspective for him…
With a slightly crooked smile, she responded, trying to sound light-hearted "Oh, nothing – just that Fidel's shirt was totally soaked after I had cried my heart out and I had bags under my eyes for days… You might have noticed that I came running out of your house when your cab pulled away and that I waved you goodbye, but I'm fairly sure that my breakdown must have escaped you as the taxi already was gone when I stopped waving and would have collapsed if Fidel hadn't caught me in his arms so I had someone to hold on to while I was having a long and noisy weep…"
She noticed the shocked look on his face and added "I'll spare you the details of what Dwayne said. To be honest, I only got part of it, considering the state I was in, but none of what I heard was particularly friendly… And I was quite useless for the next few days as well, although I tried to gather myself together… It took me a lot of self-control to function, but of course, I had to muster it up somehow as I was in charge of the station, and life had to go on, you know…"
Richard gawped at her for a moment, swallowing hard. Then, the most surprising thing happened – instead of beginning to cringe and avoiding eye contact (as he would have done in the 'old days'), he reached out to take her hand and pulled her towards him so she came to sit on his lap.
His hand touched her cheek, brushing away a tear that she hadn't even noticed, and he said contritely "Oh, Camille… I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to go through all this. I know it won't be of any consolation, but I felt pretty miserable, too. All the way to the airport, on the plane, and for a long, long time after that – I felt wretched. But somehow I didn't realise that you would feel horrible, too. I had forgotten how… how fragile you could be. How selfish I was. And how selfish of me that I never asked…"
Camille gave him a little smile. Her voice was slightly unsteady when she said "Well, I was selfish, too. I only thought of my own feelings. And I'm sorry that I made you suffer. When you said you'd maybe have more peace of mind without me, I didn't really try to look behind what you meant: that you were confused and didn't quite know what to make of our… our strange relationship. I know now that I… I wasn't clear enough in sending out the right signals… I never understood that maybe you couldn't figure out what I felt for you when everybody else seemed to know about my feelings… and I didn't see that you found everything just confusing and… and disconcerting… I just thought you wanted to be rid of me because I disturbed you and your peaceful life. That… that hurt me, and I wanted you to feel unsettled then so you wouldn't forget me. I wanted to give you a lesson… but I didn't realise that I'd have to pay a price for that as well."
He stroked her hair now, and then she heard him whispering "Oh, I'm sorry that you had to go through that all… We both paid a price, Camille. You have no idea how much it cost me to try and move on – and all the time I knew I was lying to myself, pretending that I didn't miss you… I chastised myself for not being able to forget you, for hanging on to the memories, for fantasising of how things might have turned out if only… and at the same time, I knew I'd never have the courage to go back to Saint Marie and see how you would react. It all seemed so hopeless. But all is well now. Maybe… because we've experienced the pain of loss… we're more careful with one another. And maybe, it's even better now than it would have been if… if we had got together on Saint Marie."
Her lips touched his neck, and she said softly "You're right. We might have driven each other bonkers because… well, neither of us was very good at communicating their feelings. You always put up fences, and I couldn't understand why. And I… well, I kind of figured you would make a move if you were only seriously, truly, really interested. I couldn't see that you… that you were kind of caught in a trap… the trap of your own personal history and experiences that made you think that I couldn't possibly be interested in you, despite all my stroppiness and our arguments… Nobody ever drove me up the walls like you did… I might have found you annoying, but I also was utterly intrigued by you, and I wanted to know you better. You just wouldn't let me – I didn't understand because I thought you had nothing to lose from becoming friendly with me… Oh well. I'm glad now that I told you about how I felt when you left. I hadn't wanted to talk about it because I thought it was history, and it wouldn't change a thing if you knew, but well… at least we both have clarity now…"
"Yes, we have clarity," he confirmed – and then he added "And it does make a difference to know…"
With that, he put his arms around her, holding her tightly, and for long moments, they sat like this, each of them lost in thought, but also revelling in the nearness and new intimacy that their mutual confessions had brought.