Chapter 23 – Understanding and Planning
When he was at home again, Richard was deeply in thought. Camille's description of life on Saint Marie after his departure had brought up all sorts of feelings – he was caught in a mix of memories, surprise, regret and amazement. Not that any of this was helpful from a rational point of view, but he had no choice, he had to deal with his emotions now…
Admittedly, it wasn't the first time that he'd have to deal with that sort of thing… since he had left the island, he had been in this situation several times – and he had learnt that his old coping strategy of sticking his head into the sand just didn't work for some aspects of life. This time, however, it was different…
Before Camille's arrival, he had only taken his own feelings into consideration. On the occasions when they had talked about the topic, he had felt guilty for his selfishness, but he had always managed to rationalise and make himself believe that while it had perhaps been hard to a certain extent for Camille (and the rest of the team as well), she – and Fidel and Dwayne, too - had coped somehow. He had not thought that the team could have found it this difficult.
Camille had pointed out that Dwayne had got used to Humphrey fairly quickly, but then he had seen several inspectors coming and going. It had been harder for Fidel who had admired Richard a great deal, and for her, it had been quite a challenge on several levels… She had found a way to deal with the professional side of it, and she had thought that her friendly feelings for Humphrey were reciprocated, and although she sometimes had felt that his affection had put her under pressure, she hadn't thought much of it – but once Fidel had opened her eyes about just how much their boss worshipped her, she had not been able to ignore the seriousness of the situation any longer.
Richard realised that she must have felt like he had abandoned her, that he had let her down, that he had ignored her feelings and sacrificed their friendship – or whatever it had been at the point when he had left. And yet, she had forgiven him…
Her generosity was beyond him, and he almost felt a little ashamed. He felt that he needed to think about their relationship a bit more in depth – so much had happened between them, and he realised now that parts of the past would always stand between them if he didn't make an effort now to understand and face their issues.
He knew that he loved her, and he had told her so – and he had certainly done more than enough to show her over the past few months – but if he didn't deal with what had happened after he had left Saint Marie, it would always be there… like the proverbial elephant in the room. It might not become a problem today, tomorrow, or the day after – but eventually, it would raise its ugly head, and maybe, they'd fall out over it.
He certainly didn't want that. So, he'd have to accept that there were issues, and he had to sit with them for a while, no matter how uncomfortable that might be.
With a sigh, he sat down with a mug of tea – this was part of his usual evening routine, anyway, so he might as well use the time for something more sensible than watching snippets of stupid TV shows (which was what he sometimes did) or flipping through random books on his couch table.
One thing was that he was remorseful and felt utterly stupid. His behaviour on Saint Marie had been in tune with his personality – he was reserved, he was aware of people considering him 'weird', he was generally cautious, and he had never trusted easily…
But indeed, he had behaved like a complete idiot much of the time, as he realised… Not for the first time, but this time it hit him much harder, and he couldn't shrug it off…
His attire, his stiff upper lip, his entire Englishness must have come across as totally absurd. He hadn't seen it back then, but he knew it now. He had actually known it for a long time, but he hadn't been ready to fully acknowledge it.
Honestly, if Camille had done the same and come to the UK and continued to wear her bright capris, her strappy tops, her floating dresses and her fancy colourful jumpsuits – regardless of the climate – everyone would have declared her a complete loony. If she had continued to live her life the easy-going Caribbean way – without taking into account that things were different over here – people naturally would have thought she was bonkers. Not only was it way too cold for wearing light clothes all the time - the Caribbean attitude and lifestyle didn't fit into English everyday life.
No wonder then that his woollen suits and his attempts to continue his life the way he had always lived it had made people raise their eyebrows and consider him 'particular', at best. It hadn't fit into Caribbean everyday life at all…
And yet people had been tolerant. In hindsight that amazed him. They must have welcomed Humphrey with open arms – and remembering Charlie Hulme's collection of ghastly shirts that Richard had found in his closet when he had arrived on Saint Marie, he couldn't help but understand that he really had been the odd man out with his suits and briefcase…
He also realised that he was jealous – in the most irrational, annoying way. He was jealous of the time Camille and Humphrey had spent together. The way they had become friends, the way they had been close partners at work. He ignored for the moment that it had been him who had left the island and that Camille hadn't had any choice but work with his successor.
Much to his relief, Camille had made it very clear that she had never been interested in Humphrey from a romantic point of view, but still it stung a little that he had given her a ring and she had accepted it. Of course, he knew it was silly – what else could she have done but gracefully accept his goodbye gift – particularly since she didn't know what it was? And of course, it was stupid, childish and immature to be jealous of the past… but knowing all that didn't make the feeling go away.
She had described how easy it had been to work with Humphrey – initially. Then it had become more difficult because she had resented the rôle of nanny and agony aunt he was imposing on her. She was smart and very skilled when it came to analysing people's behaviour, but even she hadn't managed to look behind Humphrey's façade of happy-go-lucky behaviour for a while.
She had pointed out "You know, I thought I was safe because he was married. He kept making sad remarks about how Sally didn't want to join him on Saint Marie for whatever reasons, but it was only towards the end of the first year that it became clear that their marriage was failing. Still, I didn't think it would have any effect on our friendship. I didn't see the lonely child, the lonely man in him. In hindsight, I can see how desperately he wanted to be comforted. And I hadn't understood that their marriage had fallen apart long ago and that he was on the lookout for someone to lean on…"
Once she had understood, though, she had been determined to get away from him…
"But it wasn't only this that drove me away from Saint Marie," she had explained, answering the question that she'd seen in his eyes. "I have told you before that I felt stalled, that I felt there was more out there and that I had to leave my comfort zone for a new challenge. It might have taken me a little longer to get up and go, but I was restless, and I would have left anyway. So, Humphrey was a catalyst, if you want to see it that way. I'm sure he's not aware of that, but his demonstrative attempts to impress me just were too much for me. I had considered confronting him, but in the end that would only have brought heartache and pain – and the atmosphere at the station would have been tainted forever. I'm sure he's a fine chap, but I don't think he would have taken it very well if I had told him that I could never be more than his friend and that he was wasting his time. He would have kept asking me why and if he had done anything wrong, and all that – I know him well enough to make a guess here. It would have been humiliating. It might not have been the best way to handle it, but I figured that my stance would be clear enough if I gave him the cold shoulder… Under no circumstances would I have been susceptible to his advances, and he needed to understand this without me having to tell him. It saved us both quite some embarrassment that I didn't let him go as far as declaring his immortal love, I think…"
Richard was inclined to agree with her. He remembered only too well how small and miserable he had felt when Sasha had told him that she didn't reciprocate his feelings. At least she had been honest – but he had felt really dumb and foolish for a while. Although he held no brief for Humphrey Goodman after all he had heard about him, he was glad that Camille had been kind to him by avoiding a flap.
But still he felt jealous.
He had managed to hide his jealousy while he had been at Camille's place – he had known that she'd tell him off for being a fool if he hadn't concealed it, and really, it was pointless, as he knew only too well himself…. rationally.
Still, the feeling was there. No rational thought could eliminate it.
Automatically, he followed his usual bedtime routines, brooding over his negative feelings. Suddenly, while brushing his teeth, he remembered how he had stood here in his bathroom a while ago, shortly before Valentine's Day, wondering how to bring across that he loved her. Later, when he lay in his bed, he recalled her reaction to his spontaneous visit a few weeks ago. He also thought of how happy they had been in Paris – and how she had said prior to their trip that he was the top priority in her life, but that there'd always be other people who would be important, too. He recalled all the weekends they had spent together, going for runs, swimming, sightseeing, just enjoying time together. And of course, his thoughts went back to the evening in her flat… when he had come for her housewarming dinner.
And with a snap, he suddenly felt that his jealousy was a complete waste of time, emotions and energy. He felt that he was the lucky one and Humphrey might have spent one and a half year with her by his side, as her partner, but she had been his – Richard's – sidekick for over two years, and she was with him now. She had tried to move on after his departure, and of course, she had made an effort to have a good rapport with her new boss. It hadn't been her fault that he had fallen for her, and she had clearly said that Humphrey had never been more than a friend to her. She liked him, and she wished him well, but that was all. There hadn't been any chemistry between them beyond friendship, at least from her side, and he hadn't been able to stop her when she had wanted to leave Saint Marie. Actually, he had been one of her reasons to leave…
While Richard knew that the facts still were the same and nothing had changed over the past few minutes, he felt totally different now. It had been like one of his lightbulb moments during investigations – only that it hadn't been an intellectual flash of lightning, but rather an emotional one. The parallel was that he suddenly knew.
He realised that Humphrey had been a bit of a dark horse for him over all this time, and it was a good thing that Camille had told him more about him. She had been full of praise for his detective skills, but had also admitted that his laissez-faire attitude towards formalities had made things unnecessarily difficult sometimes, and she had pointed out that his scatterbrained ways and his propensity for accidents had driven her nuts.
"He's enthusiastic and like a big kid in many ways," she had said – and added thoughtfully "I have to say, though, sometimes I wondered how he'd ever managed to come this far in his job. He could be so clever when we were on a case, but then again he was totally useless in daily life things… And as I said, his way of seeking or almost demanding attention was plain annoying. At first it was flattering that he wanted to spend time with us, and we thought it's nice to see that he appreciated us, but it got tedious in the long run. It was like he expected us to be at his beck and call – without really understanding how demanding and inappropriate this was. He didn't quite understand that we had a life – outside of the team, that is… When he came to Maman's bar and wanted to spend time with us, it could become rather difficult to back out. I know he was upset a few times when Fidel said he'd rather go home and spend time with Juliet and Rosie. I also got some reproachful looks after I'd gone to the gym and not come back to the bar afterwards or spent the evening with friends from school days or reconnected with people I knew from kindergarten. And Dwayne took him to clubs a couple of times only to find out that Humphrey took it for granted that he could always tag along… and you know Dwayne, he's a lady's man, and he wasn't always excited to have company during his – er – 'hauls'… or whatever you want to call it…"
Richard could imagine… He had always been impressed with Dwayne's ability to make contact with ladies – no matter what age, background or educational level they had. But even he would find it awkward and hindering to be constantly accompanied by a big child – who was his boss.
Camille had concluded "Mind you, I am grateful for his intervention when Maman and I got into a strife because of my father - he helped to put things into perspective, and I really have to give him credit for that. But I never gave him any reason to believe that I saw more in him than a friend. Instinctively, he must have known – he would have had several opportunities to tell me about his feelings, but I strongly discouraged this, and I think he got the message. I'm glad I didn't have to explain that he wasn't what I was looking for or what I needed. I need a man, not a big child. Still, he couldn't help but give me that compass ring… It reminds me of him and the time… the time after your departure from Saint Marie… but that's all."
And with a mischievous glance from under her lashes, she had added "And mind you, a ring is good and well, but it has to come from the right person and at the right time. And it has to be a ring that… that suits the recipient… none of all that was the case here…"
After that, she had abruptly changed the subject, and soon afterwards, he had found himself participating in a passionate kiss that had quickly led to further action…
Yes, he mused as he lay in his bed, he was the lucky one, and his jealousy had been a waste of time. She was totally committed to him, and he knew it – just like she hopefully knew that he was totally committed to her.
As he turned over, he remembered her remark about her needing a man and not a big child – and a 'ring that suited the recipient', and he closed his eyes with a smile.
Camille's third internship was getting closer to the end (she was in Uxbridge this time, on her own, and things were going fairly well, although she didn't like it as much as she had liked her previous internships… she missed Claire, and while the atmosphere at the station was friendly enough, the team wasn't as much fun as the ones she had worked with in Islington or Hammersmith) – this internship was shorter than the others as they had to get prepared for the final exams, so instead of the usual 2½ months, they only spent 2 months at this station. The month of August would entirely be spent at the training centre – they'd have another intense repetition during the first half of the month, and after that they'd sit the finals. All other exams they had taken plus the report cards they had received from the stations would be taken into account as well, so Camille felt she had a good cushion of credit points, but she didn't allow herself to be lulled into a false sense of security – she still revised and studied hard to get the best possible result in the exams.
On a lovely summer evening in the second half of July, she received several e-mails from her mother.
One contained a picture of the big frangipani tree next to Catherine's house, and the other one gave her an update on the latest events and gossip on Saint Marie. Camille forwarded the picture to Richard and added an explanatory note, and then she opened the other e-mail and began to read.
After she had finished reading about the most recent antics of the owner of the new hotel down the street, she came to a paragraph about Humphrey – apparently, he had just solved another spectacular case, this time with the help of his favourite aunt Mary who had come over from the UK for a holiday. He had ended up in hospital for a few days, and Camille laughed out loud when she read that her mother had brought him chicken soup. Catherine just couldn't stop herself from trying to convince everyone that her chicken soup was a staple for ill and ailing people. She hadn't been very successful with Richard in that respect, but Humphrey had apparently been delighted – good for Maman!
She felt that Humphrey clearly was more popular with his family than Richard had been – or maybe it was just that he had more relatives. It had taken Richard's mother over two years to come to Saint Marie, and in the end she had only come because her marriage had been in a crisis, and she had needed a place to escape. Her husband would never have come to the island unless Comissioner Patterson had given him a call and convinced him that his presence was absolutely necessary and that he had to speak at a Pancaribbean Conference – which was a complete hoax, invented by Richard and Uncle Selwyn, to lure Graham Poole to the sunny island in the Caribbean.
Other than that, Richard hadn't had any visitors. Humphrey had had his wife visiting – well, ex-wife now! – then his father had come (that had been several months after Camille's departure, and Camille had only shaken her head in disbelief when she had read that Martin Goodman had tried to convince Humphrey to return to the UK, and how he had gone about the topic), and now his aunt… Apparently, Martin Goodman had mentioned he'd return some time and bring his wife, but so far, that hadn't happened. It was only a matter of time, though, as far as Catherine saw it.
While reading all this, Camille suddenly felt a little homesick. It was partly because she missed Saint Marie, but mainly the sentiment was based on the fact that she missed her mother. It had been almost a year since she had packed up and left Saint Marie, and although she and Catherine kept in touch on a regular basis, there were moments when Camille missed sharing everyday issues with her mother. She missed the laughter they had shared, the meaningful glances they had exchanged when Richard – and later Humphrey – had come up with something particularly weird, the pranks, the chit-chat, the fun they had shared…
Yes, she missed her mother. She wanted to tell her about so many things, ask her for advice, laugh with her… and just sit and be quiet with her, too.
Richard had asked her a couple of times if she was homesick, and she had always responded that usually she wasn't, but there were moments when it overcame her, and she felt rather miserable then.
Just now was a moment like this… and she suppressed a little sob as she read on about her mother's recent shopping spree on a new supplier's website. When she had lived on Saint Marie, her mother had always asked her about food trends, what she thought about certain dishes, if it was worth changing suppliers or if they should stick with the one they had…
Oh well… angrily, Camille blinked back the tears that had somehow gathered in her eyes. This wouldn't do… she wrote a brief note to her mother to say 'thanks' for the messages and promised to reply soon, then she closed her e-mail client and shut down her laptop.
Time to get changed and go out – she'd meet Richard in the restaurant where they had had their pre-Christmas meal. Only that they'd sit outside this time – it was a warm summer evening, and Camille was looking forward to the walk to the restaurant. Richard had asked her for a 'date' – that meant they'd go out instead of cooking together at her flat. They had tried different places, and last week they had just got some street food and sat on a bench together in a nearby public garden. It was a small green patch only, with a few trees and a small pond with some ducks on it, and it had been fun to just sit there together, watch the fowl and chat about anything and everything.
They had visited Richard's parents for the last May bank holiday weekend, and they had explored the Cotswolds together – they had gone for walks, visited picturesque small villages, got delicious icecream at farmshops and eaten lunch or dinner in little country inns, and in the evenings, they had sat in Jennifer's and Graham's small garden and relaxed. It had been very peaceful.
Richard was more at ease with his parents now than he had been for most of his life, but he still wasn't overly chatty when it came to talking about himself, so Jennifer had taken to asking Camille about what they did with their spare time and other things. That weekend, she had asked about their 'plans for the future'. Richard had passed his mother an uncomfortable glance and started 'Really, Mother…"
But before he had been able to finish his sentence, Graham had joined them and made a remark about the neighbour's barking dog being a nuisance – and they had never touched the subject again.
Camille was well aware of the fact that her course would end soon, and most likely, she would be offered a job after that since she was part of the force and didn't have a job to return to on Saint Marie. But she wasn't sure what to respond to a potential job offer – it would certainly depend on what kind of offer it was. It also would depend on whether or not Richard could make up his mind about planning a future. They hadn't talked about it in-depth any more since the holidays in December – basically, they had agreed on waiting until the course was finished and making a decision then. Camille was getting a bit restless now, though, and she hoped they'd discuss this topic soon. She was deliberately keeping her mouth shut after they had had what they called 'the Big Misunderstanding' after Christmas. She wanted him to broach the subject first – she didn't want to appear needy or clingy. She was open to suggestions, but he had to take the initiative…
As Camille brushed her hair once more and then added the final touch to her make-up, she wondered if she wasn't expecting too much of Richard… But well, she'd wait and see. If he didn't come round after her exams, she might make a move, but not before then…
It was late in the afternoon when Catherine Bordey opened her laptop to check her e-mails. She had half an hour before she'd open the bar – it was July, so hurricane season had started already, and she usually cut back her hours during that season. Instead of opening for lunch everyday, she opened depending on the weather forecast – and things didn't look so great today…
She hoped that either Jennifer Poole or Camille had written – although it was surely too much to expect a response from her daughter already at this point. She had only written to her this morning – surely Camille wouldn't have replied by now. Catherine sighed - she missed her so much… they had managed to talk on the phone or via skype a couple of times, but with the time difference it was difficult, so e-mail had been their means of communication most of the time, and it just wasn't the same like talking to her.
Much to her surprise, there was an e-mail from Camille – a very short one only, but at least it was a message. She thanked her for her messages, praised the beautiful picture of the frangipani tree and promised to write soon… Catherine sighed again.
She was about to close down her e-mails when a new message popped up – and she couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the sender's name. Bursting with curiosity, she opened the e-mail and began to read. It was a fairly long message… several paragraphs, and there were a few pictures…
Her eyes got wide once she had read the first paragraph. She got up and looked for her handbag. When she had located it, she rummaged around until she had found her little pocket calendar – she still preferred that to using electronic devices for her planning. With a frown, she looked through the entries she had made for late August and early September… there were a few meetings with friends, but other than that, nothing noteworthy was planned for that time… She could surely postpone those meetings… Eagerly, she read on, and a smile grew on her face.
She glanced at the clock on the wall and realised she still had a few more minutes, so she opened her browser and did a little research…
Twenty minutes later, she had made some reservations – she had two more days to make her decision, then the reservations would expire…
With another sigh – a contented one this time -, she shut down her laptop and closed it before she stored it away again in her bedroom. Then, she picked up her bag and left the house.