Chapter 24 – Uncertainties and Relief
„Come on, we'll go through that one last time, and then we'll call it quits – we've recapped that so often now, I'm sure it's all etched into our brain, and we'll give the correct answer if we were woken up in the middle of the night… We have deserved a break now!"
Claire sighed. Camille was right – they had worked hard, and it wasn't very likely that they'd fail their exams. Both of them had accumulated so many credit points already that they had no reason to fear a failure, but still…
It was early August, and they had ten more days to get prepared for the finals. They'd sit four exams again, and this time, they could include anything from previous modules, so it was a bit like a 'game of luck' – or as Stephen had called it, a 'round of Russian roulette'. He had a good point there, as Claire had remarked with an anguished undertone. However, Camile would hear none of this. She was trying to spread optimism, although she was nervous, too.
Half an hour later, they two women sat down in a street café to have a cold drink. Claire took a deep breath and said lazily "Wow, that feels good! Thanks for that, Camille – without you, I wouldn't have gone here. I'd be sitting in the library, panicking and feeling that I hadn't done enough…"
Camille smiled and said "I know, and I can relate. But breaks are important, and we have really done enough. I honestly believe we are well prepared, and although there's always a small risk that they'll come up with a topic we haven't really spent much time on, I think we have touched on every subject of the course, so chances are we can at least write something – and then we'll remember the context automatically."
Claire nodded. "I think you're right." Then, changing the subject, she asked "Did you see the note about the 'graduation ceremony'? Big fancy word for a one year course, but anyway… I'll bring my nan, I think, but other than that, there won't be anybody coming for me… I have heard from others that their entire families, including parents, spouses, children and what-not will attend. Makes me feel a bit lonely. What about you?"
Camille shrugged and said "Not sure yet. I have invited my friends from France – but they haven't said yes or no so far… they would like to come, so I hope they can make it. If they do, they'll stay for about a week altogether, so that should be fun… I bet your nan will be terribly proud of you… I wish I had family around here to come and attend, but there's only my mother, and she's too far away, plus she has a business to run on Saint Marie, so… I guess we'll see…" Her voice trailed off.
Claire wanted to ask about Camille's partner, but then she reconsidered. Camille hadn't been very forthcoming about him, and Claire was beginning to think that maybe there was something secretive about this relationship. Maybe her partner was married? Or he was a (semi-) celebrity? Or a politician? Or maybe he simply worked shifts and couldn't come because of that? Anything was possible, and she didn't want to appear nosey. It was none of her business, anyway, and Camille surely had her reasons for keeping a low profile.
Camille had no idea about Claire's thoughts. As it was, she had got so used to not talking about her relationship with Richard that it had become entirely normal to her. It never occurred to her that a few years back, she would have considered this behaviour as 'secretive' and somewhat strange… She sometimes used the word 'we' when she talked about weekend activities, and every once in a while she referred to something her 'partner' had said, but never elaborated on who he was…
In fact, Richard had promised her to show up for the graduation event. He had carefully planned his annual leave in September around the whole thing.
Officially, her course would finish in mid-September, but the graduation 'do' would take place on the first Friday in September. She would basically be free between her last exam and the graduation ceremony, but the training centre had scheduled individual appointments with all participants to discuss their further career path and invited them too meet HR officers on that occasion, so they'd all have to show up some time during the 'recess' period.
Much to her dismay, she had seen that her appointment was set for the day before the graduation ceremony, in the late afternoon. That meant she couldn't pick up Alain and Isabelle, if they chose to come that day. But Richard had promised her to go and meet them and take them to her flat so they could freshen themselves up and rest a little before they would all go out together.
After some to-and-fro, they had agreed that Camille would stay with him so that Alain and Isabelle could have her little flat to themselves if they decided to come. Camille still didn't quite know how Richard had convinced her that this was a good plan – originally, they had discussed inviting their French friends to his house, but there had been a certain reluctance from Richard's side that had been irritatingly persistent, and he had come up with one evasive answer after the other when she had tried to get to the bottom of his aversion – so she had given up eventually. She figured it might have to do with his sense of privacy – he had been okay with staying at Alain's and Isabelle's place, but that didn't necessarily mean he'd be okay with having them staying at his place, and although she found this a bit petty and small-minded, she felt it wasn't worth arguing about. And truth be told, it was his house, so she couldn't really make any demands.
And in a way it wouldn't be so bad – they could follow their own rhythm and get up whenever they wanted, and they'd have the chance to retreat and enjoy some quiet time together. They had already mentioned that they they might want to visit a few particular places, and it had been clear from the way they had talked about it that they didn't expect – or want? – Richard and Camille to come with them.
Initially, Camille had been taken a little aback, but then she had realised that her graduation was one good reason for them to come, but it didn't mean that this was the only reason, and they had a right to privacy and independence. After all, she and Richard had been out and about on their own, too… And they had only stayed with Alain and Isabelle for a long weekend, but a period of a week or even nine or ten days was considerably longer, and it might be more difficult for all of them to compromise for that stretch of time.
Camille wasn't all that concerned about the appointment with HR. She figured that she'd be asked to occupy at least a temporary position – and things would develop from there. She had excellent grades, and her internships all had gone smoothly, so she was optimistic. And as she kept telling herself, worrying wouldn't change a thing, anyway – it would only ruin her humour.
As she saw it, it wasn't likely that she'd start a potential new job before early October, maybe later than that, so Richard had decided to take off time in September, starting the day before her graduation ceremony. He'd be off for three weeks… well, and a half. That half - the first two days, a Thursday and a Friday – was actually overtime that he had accumulated, the remainder of three weeks was regular leave.
That way, they could spend time together – they could relax at home or go for short breaks without having to focus on weekends only. Many hotels and inns had special discounts on weekdays, and they could take advantage of that. They had spoken about the Peak District, Cornwall and Wales, but not made any decisions so far – obviously it would also depend on whether or not Isabelle and Alain would come over and what their plans were. Most likely, they wouldn't spend all the time together, but maybe they could go away for a day or two during their stay in the UK.
In any case, Camille was looking forward to spending time away from London and getting to know the UK a little better – she hadn't had much of a chance to do that so far. Richard had taken her to a few places that weren't too far from London – like Brighton, Bournemouth, Bath and Winchester – and of course, they had visited his parents in the Cotswolds, but there were so many other places she wanted to see… She kept teasing him about going camping around Clacton-on-Sea, but although Richard had fond memories of his holidays there, he felt that Camille would perhaps not appreciate the inconveniences that a camping holiday would include. So, while he figured they might go there some time he had decided that 'some time' wasn't going to be this year…
He had other plans for what was going to happen this year.
Isabelle passed Alain a reproachful look – he knew precisely how much she disliked it if he checked his e-mails during breakfast. She had already opened her mouth to make a snarky remark when Alain suddenly chuckled and said "Oh wow, this is quite something" and handed her the tablet, adding "Just read this!" when he saw her questioning glance.
She did as he said and laughed out loud.
"What do you think?" asked Alain. "Will you be able to get that extra afternoon off, or would you prefer me to go?"
Isabelle took out her phone and had a look at her calendar. "There are no meetings, as far as I remember, and I have no private appointments, either, so… And we'll be gone the next day, anyway! I certainly could go, but why don't we just go together? You know how confused I always get when I go there on my own…"
Alain sighed a little and then said "Right. I'll check with my supervisor, but I don't think there'll be any problems… Oh, and don't forget to e-mail Camille so she'll know we'll be coming to celebrate with her! We have left her hanging for long enough now… "
"Not yet," Isabelle replied. "I want it all to be arranged, cut and dried before I'll tell her that we're coming!"
And in response to Alain's inquiring expression she explained "It won't take me long. But there are a few things I want to sort out before we e-mail her. But you can reply to the message you got and say that it's OK with us, so at least part of the scheme is decided!"
Like the other exams, the finals were also taking place in consecutive weeks – one half before the weekend, the other half right after the weekend. Then the class would have some time off, and the exams would be graded. During the last week of August, they'd receive their grades, and the graduation ceremony would be held on the first Friday of the following month.
Camille knew she had studied enough for the exams, but she was nervous, anyway. So, she was grateful for Richard's attempts to distract her – still, he understood and respected her wish to spend time on studying. When the exam period finally arrived, he left it entirely to her to decide whether or not she wished to get together. He was there for her when she wanted to see him, and when she felt she'd rather be by herself, he accepted that, too. He knew how important a good result in these exams was for her, and by no means did he want to interfere and put unnecessary pressure on her.
They had agreed on only spending part of the weekend between the exams together because Camille wanted to go through her notes once more and have a quiet early night at her place before sitting for the last two exams on Monday and Tuesday. They'd surely spend time together after that – Camille was looking forward to staying at Richard's place for a while. She loved sitting in his little backyard, reading and listening to the noises coming from the street and the other yards around the house. It also would give her an opportunity to get a little more variety in her running schedule – she'd have time to explore while he was at work.
But before she could do that, she'd have to sit the exams… She tried not to worry too much, but of course, it had been on her mind more or less constantly over the past weeks. It wasn't only that she was apprehensive about the exams and her results – she also wondered what the future might bring. She knew that she couldn't return to Saint Marie right now as there was no vacant position in the police force there, and given the fact that her relationship with Richard was going so well and he didn't show any inclination to move back to the Caribbean at this point, she felt it was best to wait and see what the training centre appointment would bring. She hoped for a good job offer – but of course, she had no influence there…
Richard tried to be reassuring, but of course, being Richard, he kept saying things like "you never know" and "in all likelihood, but obviously that doesn't mean anything" – and that didn't really help all that much. Camille didn't hold it against him, though – it was just the way he was. She might as well complain about the rain falling from up above down on the ground instead of the other way round… life had thrown him the occasional curveball, so he had learnt not to take things for granted. He tried to be positive and convey optimism, but there was a cautiousness in him that made him come up with his typical 'embedded sentences'…
It was funny, Camille mused, how her attitude towards this habit had changed – on Saint Marie he had driven her up the walls with this, but now she didn't mind all that much any more. Just like he had learnt to put up with some of her habits that he had originally found quite disturbing – like her way of just leaving dirty dishes in the sink until a critical amount of items had gathered instead of washing them up immediately. Initially, that had really irritated him – but then he had understood that getting irritated wouldn't change anything, so he had learnt to live with it. He, too, had come a long way since Saint Marie…
The weekend between the exams was difficult. Richard did everything to make Camille feel comfortable, and she appreciated his efforts, but she couldn't help it – she was more snippy and terse than usual. She was aware of it and tried to rein in her tension, but it was hard.
Naturally, she had been less tense when she had had to sit the exams at the end of each unit – they would count towards the final result, but the finals obviously were more important, and no matter how much she had told herself that she had studied enough – she was worried. She realised that getting older didn't help with that sort of thing… you worried more about some things while you were a lot more relaxed about others. She had always laughed about Richard being a worrywart… now she understood better.
It was a good thing that Richard took her for a run in one of her favourite parks as the physical activity helped her to destress, and while she checked on her notes in the early evening, he cooked dinner for her without further ado. He even gave her a much-needed foot massage – secretly wishing he was the one on the receiving end as he really was exhausted at the moment, too. But better times would come again, and he knew she wasn't deliberately being a nuisance – she was just nervy. When they went to bed together on Saturday and she cuddled up to him, she heaved a big sigh and whispered "Thank you, Richard… I know you're tired, and I'm being a real pain in the neck this weekend, and I hate to admit it, but I'm quite twitchy because of the exams…"
He understood – but still it was challenging for him. Work wasn't exactly a walk in the park for him at the moment, either, and he, too, needed to rest – so her moodyness was trying. It was pointless to say that, though – she already knew it, anyway, and saying anything in that vein would most likely just make them bicker. So he just pulled her closer and whispered reassuringly "You'll be fine, Camille… you've studied so hard, and even if they come up with something you cannot answer rightaway, you'll find a plausible and adequate way to solve the problem…"
He felt her breath on the skin of his neck as she whispered "I'll make it up to you, Richard – I promise… once these exams are over, all will be better…"
And indeed, things got better once the exams were over – although not rightaway. It took Camille a little time to relax and unwind after all the stress she had been going through.
On Tuesday afternoon, she just felt numb when she left the training centre. Claire had tried to talk her into joining her and a few others who wanted to celebrate at the pub, but she just couldn't be bothered. On the way home, she remembered how she had always been ready to party and celebrate while she had lived in the Caribbean. But here, in the UK, she just didn't seem to have the energy… or rather, she couldn't quite see the point in how people 'celebrated' here. Their main purpose seemed to be getting plastered and doing crazy things. That included pestering people who clearly didn't want their attention.
Back at home, people got drunk, too, and she had received some 'indecent offers' there, too… some men had been so persistent that she had been grateful for her self-defence training. However, that had been the exception – most people just got very merry and cheerful, and they knew when to stop. Of course, some people were constantly on booze, but again – they were not the rule.
Over here, it seemed that all decency and inhibitions went straight over board when people had to much to drink. She had never experienced so many attempts of groping and harassing – and then playing things down - before in her life… It might have to do with how so many people seemed to repress their feelings and actually wore a mask of courtesy and civility – they just weren't comfortable showing their real selves (neither to others, nor to themselves, apparently!), and when alcohol came onto the scene, they suddenly let go, and the 'beast' came out…
It suddenly occurred to her that she had never seen Richard getting drunk. She pondered the thought and then came to the conclusion that he might have got severely drunk once or twice, maybe at uni, and had perhaps made nasty experiences then – he was such an uptight control freak in many respects and hence the type that people tried to make drunk so he'd lose control and do stupid things… She'd have to wait for a suitable moment to bring up the topic and ask him some time.
But for the time being all she wanted was to be home, take a long hot shower and cuddle up on her sofa with a good book before talking to Richard on the phone. She had sent him a text so he knew the exams had been done and over with and she had left for home, so he'd surely call her later on…
After a quiet evening at home, she spent Wednesday doing chores at home and then went for coffee with her eccentric neighbour. They had become somewhat friendly, although not overly so – they helped each other when either of them was in a pinch, but they didn't fuss one another. It did her good to talk with someone who was not a member of the police force – they talked about all sorts of different things, and she felt quite relaxed afterwards. As much as she enjoyed spending time with Claire and a few others from her course, their conversation always more or less revolved around what their prospects for the future were, what kind of people they had worked with during their internships, what kind of police work they had done before joining the course and what they thought about all sorts of aspects of potential jobs or specific police departments – and Camille didn't want to hear about all that right now. With Richard, it was different – they also talked about work-related things, but it wasn't the principal ingredient of their relationship.
She met Richard at their little restaurant – the place where they had had their Christmas dinner together had become some kind of 'regular' for them… they went there often now. At this time of the year, they could sit outside, and the staff knew them by now, so they got little complimentary extras every once in a while. Afterwards, they strolled over to Camille's flat, and around midnight, after what both felt had been a most satisfactory evening, Richard left for home again. They had agreed on Camille coming over to his place on Friday so they could spend the weekend together, and maybe she'd even stay a little longer…
So, Camille had the entire day to herself! In the morning, she continued to tidy her flat – during the preparations for her exams, she had become a bit sloppy, and things had piled up. She frowned when she discovered that her memory box was still standing next to the sofa. The lid was only half closed – it must have slipped out of place when she and Richard had fallen onto the couch together yesterday evening… She closed it firmly and stored it in the shelf where it belonged, making plans for her run in the afternoon… She'd take the route through the park and enjoy the warm summer weather, and in the evening, she'd sit down to write a long overdue e-mail to her mother…
Catherine Bordey opened her e-mail client and saw that a message from her daughter had arrived. She opened and read it – my, Camile sounded like she was in a rather thoughtful mood. She went on a bit about the exams and how she wasn't quite sure about how she had done, but she still was in fairly good spirits. On one hand, she was excited that the exams were behind her and that she could finally enjoy the summer a bit more. She seemed optimistic that a job offer would come rather sooner than later. On the other hand, she admitted that there was no guarantee, and she sounded a bit worried about what she would do if it came rather later than sooner...
She wrote that she might not be able to renew the lease of her her flat, depending on whether or not she had a job, and she also pointed out that maybe her landlord wasn't even interested in having her as a tenant any longer, or the lease might go up, and she wasn't sure at the moment if she could afford to pay a higher rent. The contract for the lease would expire in November, and finding an affordable place would be a challenge for her. She mentioned she didn't want to share a place with others, with 'strangers'... Things with Richard were going well, but she couldn't possibly ask him to let her move in – that suggestion would have to come from his side, not from hers… She didn't want to appear pushy…
Catherine raised her eyebrows. Never before had Camille written so much about her relationship to Richard. It wasn't that she went into detail about her feelings, but her mother knew her well enough to read between the lines. She realised that Camille was caught between wanting to be independent and wanting Richard to make a commitment. What was the expression for that – having her cake and eating it? Yes, that seemed an apt way to put it. Well, her daughter was in for a surprise, Catherine knew that much – and come to think of it, it wasn't just one surprise that was waiting for her.
Replying to Camille would have to wait for the moment, though. She'd have to choose her words well in her response, so Catherine closed her message and opened another one instead. This one wouldn't require so much thought – she just typed a short paragraph and sent that into the ether. She knew the recipient would appreciate her to be brief and to-the-point. Then she clicked on the link in the original message, a new window opened, and she wrote a few lines, attached a current picture of herself and hit 'send'.
Finally, she clicked on Jennifer Poole's last message and responded to that – it took a bit longer than anticipated to write everything she had on her mind and wanted her friend to know, but after a couple of paragraphs, she figured she could send off her message. There were a few things she would have loved to tell Jennifer, but at the moment, she couldn't – she was basically hogtied because she had given a promise about keeping quiet about certain things, so although she was itching to spill the beans, she felt obliged to stick to her promise. "Too bad," she thought, but she knew she was doing the right thing by not disclosing what she had come to call 'the big miracle' when thinking about it all…
As an afterthought, she attached the same photo that she had included in her other message – not that she had changed all that much since Jennifer had been on Saint Marie, but she figured it would be nice for her friend to see that she was wearing the necklace she had sent her for Christmas last year, and also, she wore her hair a bit differently now, so that was another good reason for sending a photo, too.
Pleased with herself, she shut down her e-mails and picked up her phone. There were a few things she would have to clarify and settle before she could make further plans…
Camille rashly threw another T-shirt into her bag, along with her sandals and the book she was currently reading – it was Friday, and she was due to be at Richard's place by 7 p.m. She had planned to gather her stuff together before now, but then Claire had phoned her in the late afternoon, and they had got lost in a long conversation about the exams, the weird - and almost unreal - feeling of being done with the course and finally about what they'd wear for the graduation event, and she had forgotten the time. She'd have to hurry now so she wouldn't miss the bus! Fortunately, she had already deposited part of her wardrobe at Richard's place – so even if the items she had knocked together now weren't sufficient, she'd have a few alternatives if need be. T-shirts wouldn't be the problem – she could always snatch something from Richard, but the two skirts and four blouses, plus some underwear and a couple of bits and bobs that she had consigned to his care (or rather his washing machine) and never taken home again would come in handy..
She rushed out and caught the bus just in the nick of time. As she sat there, watching the houses and trees whizzing by, she recalled the conversation with Claire and how happy she had been to announce that her friends from France would come to the graduation event – this morning, she had finally received an e-mail from Isabelle, confirming that they'd come over and stay for a week. It would be nice to have her friends around for this special occasion, and she knew Richard would enjoy spending time with them, too. She hadn't forwarded the message to him yet – she was looking forward to telling him personally.
For a moment, she wondered if they he might have any specific plans for the weekend. When she had seen him on Wednesday, he had asked if she wanted to do anything special, but she hadn't really had any particular idea. Right now, all she wanted was relax, take it easy and spend time with him… wherever he wanted. She loved his house, though, so as far as she was concerned, she'd happily stay there with him.
With a spring in her step, she got off the bus and walked the short distance to the street where he lived… and when she turned the final corner, she realised that it felt like she was finally coming home.