Life, with a little spice 3

You think Louise and John have hit rock bottom? Think again...

She wakes up a little later. Her head is pounding and her heart is beating too fast. She feels dizzy and extremely tired. She turns on her side and sees her. She's watching her or rather glaring at her from the doorway. Louise looks around but there's no one else.

"You had to make him feel guilty, didn't you? Make him feel like he has a responsibility towards you!" she says through clenched teeth, approaching her bed. "It took me years to regain his trust and affection and all you have to do is come back and then, all he talks about is you – how he needs to take care of you, how he needs to uncover the truth, give you a chance. How do you do that, Ms Léger? How do you so easily reach out and capture his heart? I spent my entire first marriage to him trying to figure out a way of getting his undivided attention, always being the perfect wife, not asking for anything, and you just need to make a mess of yourself and he runs back to you." She's now standing next to her bed, her fists clenched at her sides.

Louise feels the hair on her nape stand straight. She sits in her bed and feels the world around her spin, having moved a little too fast. "I don't know what you're talking about. I just wanted to put an end to all this."

Nancy frowns. "And make him feel guilty for the rest of his life? Don't you think you've damaged him enough as it is?"

Louise gasps. "Don't be cruel. Do you think I've wanted any of this? You got the guy and I've got nothing."

"What's going on here?" They both turn towards the door. John is standing in the doorway, looking pissed. "What are you doing here, Nancy? Jen said not to disturb her."

"I came to see how she was doing," Nancy says casually. "It's my job after all to keep an eye on everything that's going on here. The IOA wants a full report and a full report they'll get, including her little stunt. Besides, she showed how sneaky she could be and I think it's high time we took measures." There's a sharper edge to her voice.

John pouts. "Nancy, I understand that as a liaison representative for the IOA you're worried about the security on base. I agree we were not cautious enough and for your own safety, as well as that of the other people here," he adds for Louise's benefit, "you'll be on house arrest. No walks around unaccompanied, and especially not to Zelenka's lab," he says, lifting his eyebrows to make his point. He turns to his wife. "Nancy, I'm counting on you to send a report to the IOA asap and tell them everything is under control." Nancy pouts but heads for the door.

"As for you, young lady," he tells Louise after Nancy has left, "you're going to follow me. Keller has agreed to discharge you for the time being. I think it's high time you get your butt back in the kitchen. If there's one thing I know, it's that you need to keep your mind and hands busy."

He walks to her as she gets on her feet cautiously and steadies her. "Jen is going to come and give you something for your headache," he tells her gently. He puts his hand in his pocket to retrieve a small pouch he hands to her. "Your necklace and bracelet and rings. The rest of your belongings has been sent to your quarters," he says with a smile. He helps her clasp her necklace, his hands brushing her shoulders, making her shiver. He removes his hands hastily. "Sorry," he says with a frown.

She thanks him, feeling as awkward as the first times they had touched. "John, I was wondering if we could drop by at the supply area and see if I can get a few things. There's not much in my backpack, clothes-wise," she asks, embarrassed, knowing her presence on base is already an inconvenience.

He frowns. "You don't get it, Louise. I said all your belongings have been taken back to our former quarters. I never got rid of anything. They were only stored in a crate. You'll have everything you need," he elaborates.

Her eyes brim with tears. "Everything?"

He nods quietly. "Well, except for a few trinkets I kept in my desk..." he adds, feeling awkward. "We can drop by and get them for you, if you want."

She nods, her mood suddenly brightening, and squeezes his arm. "Thank you," she sighs.

He's had her cookbooks, apron and utensils delivered to the kitchen. She's stepped there tentatively, not knowing what to expect. Three years have passed and she's been replaced. The place is not her realm anymore but the civilian subcontractor who's gotten her position gushes as she enters the room. "Ms Léger, I'm so glad I finally meet you, against all odds," he says, shaking hands. She looks bemused and hears John laugh for the first time she came back.

"You're legend here, Louise," he whispers to her. "This guy has endeavored to make every single recipe you used to serve."

"The kitchen is all yours, Ms Léger," the cook tells her. "I'll leave you to it, though if you need anything, don't hesitate to howler. I'll be down in the storage area." He nods at John and motions for the few preps around to follow him. "We've got an inventory to make, people," he tells them, grabbing his tablet.

"What do you want me to do?" she asks John once everyone has left, looking lost.

"Whatever keeps the booze and your suicidal tendency out of your mind," he replies, making her blush with embarrassment. She dons on her apron and bites her lower lip. Touché!

She flips through her grandmother's cookbook for a few minutes. When she looks up towards him, he is still standing, his hands tucked in his pockets, watching her. His eyes have lost their sharp, cold edge. "You don't have to stand here, John," she tells him. "I know for a fact you've got a couple of marines assigned to me that are waiting right outside the door. And I also know you must be swamped with work. I promise to be good."

He sighs. "As a matter of fact, I was hoping to spend some time with you, Louise, but if that's an inconvenience, I'll go."

She shakes her head, feeling butterflies in her stomach. "Stay then," she offers with a shy smile. She feels like they're back to square one, tiptoeing around each other. She looks away, ashamed of feeling so needy and hopeful. John is not hers anymore. He belongs with Nancy.

She glances back at him and sees him smile tentatively. "OK then. That's settled." He comes to stand next to her and looks over her shoulder at the page she's chosen. "That's something I don't remember you ever doing," he remarks.

"True. It's the most difficult recipe in the whole bunch. I've tried to do it several times and was never satisfied enough to serve it. It'll indeed keep me busy." She glances at him and sees him give her his trademark grin. It warms her heart like nothing else. "We're gonna be here a while, ya know," she adds. "You sure you wanna stay?"

"Are you kicking me out, Léger?" he asks her, lifting his eyebrows. She's done that quite a few times in the past but that was when he would wrap his arms around her from behind and expected her to concentrate with his body flush to hers.

She smiles sadly and shakes her head. "I'm all too happy you're here and talking to me, John. I wish..." she sighs and he sees she's probably on the same train of thoughts, her cheeks coloring slightly. She shakes her head and walks to the walk-in coolers resolutely. "Just don't get in my way, OK?" she banters, trying to give herself some countenance.

He settles comfortably in his chair. "Can we talk while you cook?" he asks.

She nods, already making her first preparation in one of the food processors. "Louise, I know things are hard right now," he says gently. "It's hard for me too."

She scoffs. "Yeah, sure."

He sighs. "Sweetie, look, I'm not going to try and make excuses. I know now I made hasty decisions."

She turns to him, glaring. "No need to apologize, John, but yeah, you're damn right. You shouldn't try and come up with reasons or excuses for remarrying her. It just means one thing..."

"And what is that?" he demands. He sees her bottom lip tremble.

"You and I – we were never meant to be in the first place, John. I told you so and I tried to make you see it but you were so intent on getting the girl," she sniggers. "I mean, it was probably a matter of time before you reverted to your old Captain Kirk self."

He slaps his hand on the table and gets to his feet, glaring. "When I said talk, Louise, I didn't mean snap at each other. And what put that in that thick head of yours? We were good together, good for each other. I even asked if I could propose and you said no."

She shrugs. "Because I knew it wouldn't last, John. I knew it all along."

He walks to her. "Don't you dare say that and be cruel again – like you're so apt at being with me! Don't you dare think for an instant I was not crushed by your disappearance! I didn't sleep for days, for Christ's sake. I let Lorne mind the fort and make all the decisions because I couldn't think straight for months. I didn't even fight the IOA when they sent Nancy here as a liaison rep. Actually, I didn't even know who they were sending and I didn't give a damn shit! It took me months to learn how to function day after day without you." She cowers under his look of pain and anger. He lifts his hand tentatively and touches her cheek with just his fingertips, not daring to do more. "Louise, it's not I don't want this to be real. It's just I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and realize this is just one cruel illusion."

She shrugs, trying to look detached, her heart beating so fast in her chest she feels her head spinning. "I know who I am, John. I'm the same screwed up person who came to that ship years ago, determined to never live and laugh and love again. Do you think it's easy for me? I finally had a life and it was taken away from me in a flash. I come home to you and you treat me as a threat. But most of all, I have to live with the idea it's her you're holding in your arms at night and making love to."

She turns to her preparation and growls. "Damn! I forgot about it. I'm gonna have to do it all over again."

He drops his hands to his sides and sighs. "I'll leave you to it. It was clearly not a good idea."

She scoffs. "Yeah, John, do that, will ya? You've already spent way too much time with me. I wouldn't want Nancy to reproach me with getting her husband's undivided attention."

He spins her around, his hands on her shoulders. "Stop it! Just stop making it so damn harder than it has to be!" He stops yelling at her when he sees the tears stream down her face. He's never been comfortable with seeing her cry, especially now he can't take her in his arms and make the pain go away.

She hangs her head. "Sorry. I didn't mean to anger you. John, listen. I'll do everything I can to fix this. I know it's not your fault." She smiles sadly. "I promise to be a good girl." She turns to her workstation and sets to work once again. He lifts his hands and lays them on her shoulders. "Don't," she whispers, shuddering. "Just don't. I miss you so very much. One more thing I need to wean myself out of, I guess," she says self-deprecatingly.

He sighs and leaves the room quietly, making sure one of the marines goes to stand in the kitchen with her so she won't be alone.

TBC