Life, with a little spice – Chapter 13
Previously, in chapter 12... "I might be pregnant, that's what!"...
How can that be happening? After all she's been through. The reality of the mess she might be in hits her like a ton of bricks. "Can we have a recess now, please?" she asks nervously and raises to her feet, her hands gripping the side of the table.
John is still staring at her, apparently still trying to process the whole thing. "Please?" she repeats, locking eyes with him.
It's Ventrell who answers her. "Of course, Ms Léger," he tells her gently.
"Who's the father?" John cuts him in sharply.
Louise sits back in her chair slowly, feeling her head spin. "If, and only if what I suspect is not a figment of my imagination, John, you are. Or at least it would be wise to surmise the future you is."
She is relieved to see Keller arrive shortly thereafter. John has not made a move to join her on the other side of the table and the staring match he's putting her through is getting more uncomfortable by the minute. Jen takes her vitals and hands her a couple sugar cubes before she tells her she's going to take her to the infirmary. "Your blood pressure is way below normal," she informs her worriedly. "No way you're walking there," she adds, seeing her stand wobbly on her feet.
"Not before we've finished this conversation, Doc," John counters her, making her raise her eyebrows disapprovingly.
"Not your call, Colonel," she informs him sternly. "She's not answering any more questions until I've run some tests and made sure her pressure is back to normal."
"You might want to add a pregnancy test to your check up then," he sniggers, making her head snap up in surprise.
"I beg your pardon?"
He waves towards Louise. She looks away. "My girlfriend – the one person I thought would never betray me – has 'forgotten' to tell me she might be pregnant with the other me!" he sniggers.
"I said I wasn't even sure!" Louise snaps, exasperated. "It's just me being my worry wort self, John, and you're making a mountain out of a molehill!"
"You should have come to me! We're supposed to share everything, trust each other!" he barks back, looking hurt.
She stands and points at him accusingly. "And when should I have come to you, John? 'Cause you're never available for me these days! Wanted me to send you a memo, perhaps? I can imagine the content of my message – Chef to Colonel Sheppard. Sir, I'd like to inform you that I might be pregnant with you – I mean, not you exactly. Could you please make time for me in the weeks to come so we might discuss this? Yours truly, bla bla bla!" she sniggers.
Jen lays a hand gently on her arm. "Louise, let's check this out. No need to work yourself up over speculations," she offers, hoping some time away from each other will diffuse the situation between those two.
Louise looks at John expectantly. In spite of all, she wants him to know she knows he's the one making decisions here. He waves at her tiredly to do as she sees fit but does not follow them when they leave the room.
Jen rubs her back affectionately. "He'll come round. It's a pretty big shock for him, ya' know," she tells her friend.
"And for me!" Louise counters her. "I can't be pregnant, Jen," she whispers hoarsely, "I can't. Not after Gabriel. I wouldn't be a good mom. Actually, I would be horrendous. I sucked at it the first time but it would be awful to have to raise a child again."
Jen stops her with a hand on her arm and turns her gently to face her. "I don't believe a word of that BS, Louise. I'm perfectly sure you were a good mom. And I know you'll be a great mom if you're indeed pregnant," she adds with a reassuring smile.
Louise gulps. "If I am, Jen, the father is not John. Not the John from now. I can understand he's so angry. It was hard enough as it was – coping with all this – but knowing the child is not his..." She looks like a deer caught in the headlights.
Jen huffs. "You've got to stop worrying about might be's, ya' know. I say we check it out and go from there. Sheppard needs time to process all this and when he does, he'll show up in my infirmary," she says confidently, nodding.
He does walk in the infirmary almost an hour later and crosses his arms on his chest. He looks at her expectantly. "So?" he demands impatiently.
Jen rolls her eyes. "My preliminary tests confirm her suspicions. I still need to check it more thoroughly but it does appear she's a little over one month pregnant."
He closes his eyes and rubs the back of his neck. "How can that be possible?" he demands, looking pissed.
She's tempted to snigger but refrains from telling him about birds and bees. "We overlooked it when she came back because she seemed perfectly fine but we should have taken into account the fact she had disappeared for a whole three years. Her implant was supposed to be replaced during that period. I'm sorry, Colonel. I should have checked it out," she amends.
He pouts. "And what good would it have made? She'd still be pregnant," he counters her.
"But you wouldn't have learned it that way," she sighs.
They both fall silent, not knowing how to tackle the elephant in the room.
"Can I see her?" he asks.
She shakes her head. "Not if you intend to yell at her, Colonel, no. She's an emotional wreck right now. You're not the only one who needs to process all this."
He bites his bottom lip. "Has she told you what she wanted to do?" Jen lifts her eyebrows. "I mean with her pregnancy..." he adds uncomfortably.
She shakes her head. "It's not for me to say, John. You two need to discuss it. I have no say in the matter. But whatever her decision is, you must understand I will respect it and you will have to as well..." Of all the unfortunate discussions she knew she might have on the job, this was really one she had hoped she'd never have to have.
"Of course," he replies noncommittally.
He informs Ventrell Jen refuses to let Louise return to the conference room. The ex-bounty hunter smirks and tells him Jen has already told him in no uncertain terms he won't be allowed near her patient in the near future. "I've taken the liberty to call a few people already for the next interrogations," he tells Sheppard and shows him the list he's holding. "I'll be at it all day and in the days to come I might require your help to assist me. I've put you and Dr McKay and Zelenka on the list so you might replace me when I need to rest. If we establish a rotation, we should be able to see everyone in a little more than ten days..."
John nods tiredly. "You're the expert here. I'll let you run the show. I already have enough on my plate." He motions in the direction of the mess hall. "Need to run there first and see who's taken over. Dr Keller has forbidden Louise to return to the kitchens until she clears her."
Ventrell nods and returns his attention to his list. "Just make sure you drop by as soon as possible so I can clear you," he reminds him as Sheppard leaves the room.
Actually, John doesn't mind working double-shifts – adding a few more hours to his already very busy and long days. At least, while he concentrates on the screen of the Tok'ra device, he doesn't have to think of the impossible but necessary conversation Louise and himself are gonna have sooner or later. Because he doesn't know what to make of all this. Because he's still pissed for so many reasons, most of which he knows are clearly not good ones. But most of all because he's scared of what lays ahead. Louise was always adamant she didn't want another child and he'd respected her decision. Now it seems their world is being turned upside down once more.
He gets a call from Keller telling him she's cleared Louise from the infirmary with the order to take it easy and get a good night's sleep but when he returns to their quarters, she's not there. He ponders calling her but thinks better of it. She probably needs time to regroup and he surmises she's walked back to the kitchen or their balcony. Shep shadowing her everywhere she goes, he doesn't worry at first but when she fails to appear after a whole hour, he finally connects to her channel. "Louise, it's John."
He gets static at first but she finally answers tiredly. "Yes?"
"Are you alright?" he asks then winces. It's hardly the question he should ask right now.
She scoffs then amends. "Yes, I'm OK. I needed time to myself but I guess you want us to talk..."
He bites his bottom lip. "Take your time," he offers. "I've returned to our quarters. I'll be waiting for you."
A pause then she sighs. "I'll be right there."
As she enters their room, they look awkwardly at each other. Neither is good with that kind of thing. He's not much of a talker. She's often guarded when it comes to sharing her feelings. They never say "I love you" or show their affection in public. They just are and it's quite enough for them.
He's fought hard to get past her defenses when he himself knows a thing or two about building walls around his own heart. But they'd found a balance – finally – and had imagined they'd remain like this forever.
She looks away uneasily. He sighs and walks up to her. He feels like scampering off when he sees the red rims under her eyes that tell him she's been crying. He takes her hand in his instead and leads her to the bed. He makes her sit and sits next to her. She winces. "I'm sorry I kept that from you, John," she starts.
He stops her with his raised hand. "I don't want apologies, Louise. I wish things had been different but we'll have to make do. Right now, I want to know what you wanna do."
She chuckles humorlessly. "You're not one for long talks, are you?" He pouts.
He's pondered telling her about the maelstrom of emotions he's been through all day but Jen's words come back to him – loud and clear. Louise makes the decision here. Her body, her call. Of course he agrees to that but there are so many things he'd like to tell her before. If circumstances were different, he might find the courage to do so. But not now. He should have told her right away – in the conference room. Now he feels he's lost the right to do so.
She looks at him but all she hears is his early accusation of betrayal. In a sense, he's right. She should have told him right away. As for the rest though, she doesn't get it. The child is theirs. It's still his DNA, no matter which version of him fathered the child. She chooses not to point it out, not to say how hurt she is by his reaction.
"I..." she doesn't know where to start. It's so extremely painful to even have to think about it. He nods, urging her to go on. She wets her lips and takes a deep breath. "I don't want to have another child..."
He breathes in, bracing for what's next, but she takes him by surprise. "I don't want him but he's already here. This, I cannot deny. I can understand if you don't want him. Hell, I don't want him either but it's too late for having second thoughts. I should have been more cautious. My mistake, my mess," she adds with a wince.
He lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding and tries to take her hands in his but she pushes him away gently and shakes her head. "I'm not finished here, John. I thought hard about it. What I need to know is if your feelings have changed. How do you feel about him?"
He resolutely takes her hands in his once more. "Louise. It was stupid of me to react that way. You're right. The child is ours. I shouldn't care whose version of me got you pregnant. I'll take care of you both."
She feels a knot forming in her throat, until her breathing becomes almost painful. Her perfect world is tumbling down after only a few months of what she thought would last a lifetime. "I'm not asking you to do what's honorable, John. I just want to know what you want to be for this child. I talked to Jen and Teyla. I cannot possibly raise him. It's beyond my control. I meant it when I said I could not have another child. Helping raise Torren is a different matter but raising another child as my own..." She shakes her head, eyes filled with unshed tears. "It would not be fair to him. Gabriel's ghost would always stand in the way..." She sees the look of incomprehension in his eyes and her bottom lip starts trembling.
"What do you mean, Louise?" he demands, his look darkening. "I don't get it. You want to abandon him?"
She hangs her head. "I'll have the baby and will leave him into your care if you want him. If not, Jen and Rodney have already agreed to adopt him."
He forces her to look into his eyes. He looks both furious and appalled. "And where does that leave us?" he demands.
She shrugs despondently. "There's no us, John. Not anymore. There can't be. I cannot raise the child. You'll always despise me for it. I think it's time we move on." She sees his jaw twitch and knows she's seconds from being yelled at but nothing happens.
He looks away then gets up from the bed. He walks to the door. "I see you've decided for the both of us – as you always do," he sniggers. "I'll raise the child, Louise. And I'll love him for the both of us. I promise you he'll never miss having a mother. I'll be his mom and dad if need be." She gasps at the coldness of his tone. "I'll have my personal belongings removed from this room in the morning. I'll sleep in my office tonight."
He hears her mutter a "won't change a damn thing to your recent habits," before he leaves the room. There's a part of him that still wants to go back and shake her – putting some sense in that thick head of hers. He tells himself Louise is too stubborn to see how wrong all this is for everyone. But by now, he knows you don't talk some sense in her. She sees the light or she doesn't. He'll have to bide his time and hope she comes round.
He walks to Jen's and Rodney's quarters and passes his hand over the sensor wearily, making them know someone is at the door. It whooshes open, revealing a very tired scientist. "Come on in," Rodney offers. "I've just returned from my shift. Before you ask, no one yet is ready for the gallows," he snigger sarcastically.
TBC