SGA, Life with a little spice - Chapter 14
She cries herself to sleep and barely catches a few hours of restless sleep before her alarm clock wakes her up for her shift. She trudges to the bathroom to shower and get ready for her day.
She reluctantly makes her way to the infirmary because there's no way Jen will allow her to return to work if she doesn't check her vitals first.
"From now on, I want you to drop by in my infirmary every morning. And don't you dare grumble about it, Louise," she's warned her with a look that says she means it.
Louise knows it's for her own good and that of the child. She can't stop thinking about him – how she's gonna have to bear him for eight long months inside her body and still not let it get to her. She needs to put him first and yet not soften at the thought of the life growing inside her. Care but not care. Even if it's John's child. Even if she's spent the last few hours imagining how he'd look like. Or she.
What if it were a she, Rodney has asked her. Maybe you could accept to give it a try.
But she knows she can't. She's too scared of not being fair to him or her – comparing them to the child she's lost. She's thought hard about it. She knows most people will deem her cold and heartless for abandoning them but it's for the best. Even for John. Deep inside she knows all men want to experience it – being a father – and by denying him that chance, she's realized she's been selfish all along. He only agreed to relinquish that chance for her sake. It seems fate has decided to find a way around it after all. She scoffs self-deprecatingly. How could she possibly think for a moment things would go her way?
She takes a deep breath and walks into the infirmary. Jen is in a corner, conversing quietly with Rodney. They both turn in unison as the doors whoosh open and give her a small and tense smile. She pouts and walks up to them. "John has come to see you," she says. It's not a question. She knows him well. Jen nods quietly.
It's Rodney who answers her. "Yes, last night, on leaving your quarters. He came to inform us he'd take care of the baby and also that you were on a break," he winces.
She laughs humorlessly. "On a break, indeed. No Rodney, we're not. I've left him, that's what."
Jen pouts and rubs her arm affectionately. "That's not what he said, Louise. He doesn't want to push you but he still has hopes you'll have a change of heart."
Louise shakes her head sadly. "He could never leave well enough alone." She sighs. "Can you check my vitals, please? I need to get to my workstation before my temp under-cooks get bonkers."
Jen makes quick work of it and clears her for the day. "Take it easy though. I can tell from the dark circles under your eyes you haven't slept enough. You supervise the kitchen. You don't take over everything, OK?"
Louise snorts. As if she could! It's in her nature to keep her hands busy when she's upset. "I can't promise you that," she says and gets a reproving look. "But I promise the child will be my priority from now on," she amends. "Is that good enough for you?" she asks her friend.
Jen nods silently. Louise is making efforts and needs to know she's got people on her side.
She hugs them both and walks out, her head bent and her eyes lost in the distance. Jen motions with her head for Rodney to follow her. They lock eyes for a brief moment, silent agreement passing between them.
She hears her name in the corridor as she enters the transporter and turns to see him jog towards her. She tells herself she'd like to be left alone with her brooding thoughts and yet knows he's just being a good friend – a far cry from the prick he'd been at first, years ago, when they'd first met.
He joins her on the transporter. "I was going to get my breakfast. Thought we could sit at the same table," he offers hopefully.
She wants to decline but knows it must be difficult for him too, seeing how awkward the situation is. "I can't promise I'll have the time for that Rodney," she tells him, "but you can have breakfast in the kitchen with me as I work," she offers.
He nods. "But you'll have breakfast too, right?" he insists. "Jen said..."
"I know what Jen said," she cuts him in. "I told you guys – I won't do anything that can endanger the baby's health. I'll have three whole meals a day even if I have to puke it all and start all over again," she sniggers, remembering how very sick she'd been for Gabriel.
He looks away in embarrassment and she can't help chuckling. "Sorry about that. It's not all hearts and flowers – pregnancies. Some women just love it and can't wait to get pregnant again. Some don't..." she explains.
"I take it you don't," he replies.
She shrugs. "Nope. I hated the whole you can't do this and you must do that thing but it can't be helped. I just hope I won't be sick around the kitchen and can work there until my time is due..."
He looks at her horrified. "I sure hope you do! Whatever will happen of us if you can't manage the kitchens?"
She giggles but sobers up quickly as she feels a wave of queasiness wash over her. She closes her eyes. "Here we go again," she mutters to herself.
They end up in the kitchen anyway and once she's had something to eat she can fancy without feeling the urge to run to the bathroom – cinnamon toasts she asks one of her preps to make – she makes herself another mug of steaming green tea and sets to work while Rodney finishes the heap of apple pancakes glistening with butterscotch he's eagerly asked for.
He finally rises to his feet and smiles at her. "Thanks for the meal and the company, Louise. I'd better run to the lab and get some work done before it's my time again to get to the conference room." She winces at the mention of the not so pleasant experience. He looks away.
She sighs. "There's something you want to tell me, Rodney. I know you. Come on, spit it out!"
He sighs too and motions for her to follow him outside. "Look, I know it's none of my business..."
She nods silently. "But I need to say it or it's going to eat at me until I do." She motions for him to proceed, knowing fully well what's on his mind.
"When Sheppard came last night to see us after he left your quarters..." She raises her eyebrows. He sighs and plods on. "He's miserable."
She scoffs. "Yeah, 'cause I'm all peachy!" He gives a reproving look. "Did he tell you that?" she asks.
He shrugs. "You know Sheppard. Not one for long speeches." She laughs humorlessly. "He came to inform us about your decision and his. Louise," he says, putting his hands on her shoulders and turning her towards him so he can look her in the eye, "I might not have great social skills but I know downhearted when I see it. I'm not asking you to reconsider your decision right now but I think you should take time before your seal your fates – both of yours and that of the baby."
She looks away. "I've made a decision, Rodney, and I will stick to it. The earlier John gets over me the better for everyone," she says adamantly. "I know you mean well but yeah, as you said earlier, it's none of your business."
She's remained standing outside the kitchens for a long while after Rodney has left. He's not yelled at her or anything – just looked utterly sad – and it breaks her heart to hurt yet another of her friends but she needs to stay strong and not let them soften her. If she were only doing this for her own selfish purpose, she might be able to suck it up and be miserable for the rest of her life. Heck, she'll definitely be miserable for the rest of her life, no matter what happens now. But it's not her she's thinking about. Children have a way of knowing when they're not wanted or loved and she can't let that happen.
She passes her hand over the wall and sighs, tears welling up in her eyes. She doesn't even know how she'll survive having to leave Atlantis on top of everything else. She's so much more than a home. She's everything anyone could dream of – the word "home" barely enough to describe how it feels to live here. Soon, she'll have to leave it all this behind – everything she'd taken for granted. Being one with her city, having a good man by her side, having friends...
"Will you return to Tahoe when you leave?"
She wheels around and sees Ventrell standing a few feet away, his arms crossed over his chest. She notices he's lost the smirk that's been constantly plastered on his face ever since he arrived. He looks almost... concerned? She shakes her head in disbelief. Ventrell and concern are not words she thinks can be part of the same sentence. The guy only cares about himself.
"Why do you care?" she barks and crosses her arms on her chest defensively.
"Will you?" he insists.
She shrugs. "I can't. It wouldn't be fair. See, my friends have just settled there knowing we'd be gone for a very long period of time, maybe forever." She laughs humorlessly. "I guess I'm homeless."
He gives her a smile – the first she sees grace his normally very arrogant face. "You know General O'Neill won't allow for that. You'll always have a position at the SGC or anywhere in the Air Force."
He walks up to her until he's towering over her and leans a little to level his eyes with hers. "You know that, right? 'Cause from what I've heard while working at Cheyenne Mountain, there are quite a few influential people who like you very much, Louise," he tells her quietly.
She's taken aback by his gentleness but squares her shoulders, hating to look vulnerable and so small. Better be her bitchy self than let him see the real her.
"I don't think I'll have any friends left when they learn I've abandoned my child, Mr Ventrell," she retorts bitterly. "Besides, I don't think Colonel Sheppard would appreciate running into me when he drops by at the SGC."
Ventrell shakes his head sadly. "You're despondent. I understand. I won't pester you again about it. But, for your guidance, Ms Léger, all this act you're putting on is lost on me so you should dispense with it, you know." He bends again towards her and whispers in her ear. "I saw through you the moment I stepped on this base. You love this city. You love Sheppard. And you love your friends. And I'd bet my life on it – you'd do anything for them."
He straightens up and looks around but there's no one within earshot. He smirks seeing how stunned she is. "I know you don't like me and I can connect to your dislike. I'm a bounty hunter – a good for nothing for most people. But I can tell you one thing though. If your friends turn their backs on you when you abandon your child, they're damn fools. Because that's the most selfless thing they'll ever see."
She gapes and he chuckles. "Close your mouth, Louise," he tells her gently. She does as told and blushes. "You've got more guts in your tiny little frame than most guys I know," he adds, patting her arm. "I've gotta run," he tells her. "I need to return to the conference room. If you have time, join me there. I wouldn't mind having you as backup when I interrogate your staff this afternoon."
She combs her hand through her hair tiredly as she watches him amble out of the mess hall, wondering about what just happened. Would it be possible she might have been unfair and judgmental to the bounty hunter just because of his past and reputation? She shakes her head to clear her mind then trudges back to the kitchens. He's said he wants her help with her staff and she realizes she wasn't even aware they were next in line.
She flips open her tablet and accesses her emails and sure enough, there's one with the specifics for today's interviews. She sighs and prints the list then walks to the board where she posts the rotations and menus. Most of those on the list are on the morning shift so she won't have to worry about contacting everyone individually.
As she's browsing the list, her staff slowly makes its way to the board. She turns towards them and sees a few people pale. She smiles encouragingly. "Everyone will have to go through the test, people, and as you know, I've already taken it and I'm still alive," she tells them encouragingly, trying hard to ignore the chill creeping up her spine at the unpleasant memories. "No need to worry. It's just standard procedure. And I'll be with you all along."
They nod quietly and return to their workstation but she can hear them talking in hushed tones to one another. She winces at the thought of having to return to the conference room. All she hopes is she won't have to pair with John on these interviews.
She returns there early so she can talk Ventrell into going soft on her staff and not be his usual, arrogant self. They look spooked enough as it is and she has a city to feed. No need to have a load of suddenly sick people on her hands.
She enters the room cautiously. He's calibrating the machine and has his back turned to her. "Hi," she greets him tentatively. He turns to her and smiles. Apparently, now he's established she's not a threat to the city, his attitude has changed drastically.
"Ms Léger, Louise, please, come in." He motions for her to take a seat next to him. She sits cautiously and waits for the other shoe to drop. He combs his hand through his hair, looking embarrassed. "I don't know what to call you. Ms Léger seems so formal... But I don't want to sound too familiar if you're still pissed at me," he says hesitantly.
She looks up in surprise. "I... I'm not pissed at you. You're just doing your job," she replies graciously.
"That's nice of you to say but I know we started off on the wrong foot and I'm sorry about that. Would calling you Louise be OK?" he asks tentatively.
She shrugs. "Sure, Mr Ventrell. I don't mind."
He smiles in gratitude. "Odai," he says, extending his hand.
She hesitates then shakes it briefly. She falls silent and he crosses his arms over his chest, watching her.
"There's something on your mind," he says, tilting his head.
She pouts. "Things," she corrects him.
He motions for her to elaborate. "One, I'd like to make sure you're not going to spook my preps. I need them to run my kitchen," she tells him.
He chuckles. "I'll try not to. Next?" he says with raised eyebrows. She blushes and falls silent again so he nudges her playfully. "Come on, I won't bite you. I promise."
She licks her lips and sighs. "When we met earlier, you mentioned my decision. I'd not told you about it..."
He nods slowly. "I see. You're worried I have ears and eyes everywhere..." She nods too. "I'm sorry, Louise. I didn't mean to pry. Seeing as you seem to have fired your knight in shining armor," he says, making her blush, "Colonel Sheppard has asked me, among other people, to keep an eye on you. Protect you. He needed to explain the situation but rest assured your secret is safe with me."
She looks him in the eye and tries to smile but fails poorly. "It's no secret, Mr Ventrell," she starts saying and he gives her a reproving look. "Odai," she amends. "No secret at all. I do not intend to lead people on. It would not be right. I don't know how John wants to handle the situation but I guess this "secret" of ours will be out sooner than later."
He sighs. "Sheppard hopes you'll change your mind, Louise," he tells her, echoing Rodney's words. She looks away. "He should stop hoping. It would save everyone time and sorrow," she replies bitterly.
He pouts but rubs her arm affectionately. "I won't talk about it anymore if it upsets you so much but know you can call me day and night if ever you need my help."
She nods quietly then changes the subject. "So, about the interviews..." she prompts.
He chuckles. "Business as usual, uh? I was told you're a tough cookie."
"Cam?" she wants to know.
He nods. "He likes you. A lot." She blushes at the compliment. "Said you were the best defense this city has..."
She giggles. "He said that? Guess he doesn't remember how small and helpless I am."
He folds his arms on his chest and turns to her. "No, I think he knows exactly what you're capable of, Louise. And if your recent brush with quite a few dangers is any proof of it, I think you'd do anything to defend this city..." He lets it hang in there and waits for her to say something but she remains silent, her eyes lost in the distance. "Wouldn't you, Louise?" he insists.
She looks up, her gaze hard and her jaw set. "Yes, probably," she whispers. "If my life still belonged to me."
They interview a third of her staff that afternoon and everything goes smoothly. At least, it's one less thorn in her side. He's agreed to clear the rest over the next couple of days so she can have them all back on duty as soon as possible.
Shep is waiting for her outside as Ventrell escorts her out of the conference room and to the mess hall for a well-earned late dinner. "It's one cute dog you have here," he mentions as they walk to the buffet, Shep in tow.
She turns to him and sees him bounce with excitement as he knows he's bound to get some extra food from her plate. She's been cautioned against feeding him everything and anything but she still caves in when he asks for bits of cucumber and zucchini, his favorite treats. Sometimes a small piece of bread and once in a while cheese. She nods to Ventrell. "Yes, and he's faithful too." She sighs. "Technically speaking, he's mine but he loves Sheppard to distraction."
"And you're torn between taking him with you or letting him stay here," he fills in for her. She nods quietly. "At least, whatever you decide, you know he'll be loved either way."
She smiles at him, seeing he's gotten her point. She'd love to take Shep with her but she doesn't know yet what will become of her after she has the baby. Dogs need stability and he's already had to move once.
She shakes her head. "It's too early to decide," she replies. "No need to worry about what happens months from now."
He nods quietly and sets bread on her tray then hands a piece to Shep who sniffs at it but refuses to take it. Ventrell looks surprised. "I thought all dogs loved bread."
She giggles. "Oh, he loves bread alright. It's just you two haven't made friends yet. There aren't many people he trusts. If he doesn't trust you, he'll ignore the food you give him, no matter how hungry or greedy he is."
"Sounds logic ," he replies, glancing at the dog who's sat in front of Louise and is waggling his tail enthusiastically as if he were saying Look how good I was, now can I get something from you?, "and wise," he adds.
"And cunning," she adds too, making him smirk.
"Yeah, well, didn't want to insult your dog now we've made peace," he says.
"He's cunning alright," she replies with a wink. "That means he's a smart boy." She pats his head. "Aren't you, baby?" And gets an enthusiastic bark in reply. She hands him a piece of bread and sets her tray on a table.
"I need to have my shots," she tells Ventrell. "Feel free to start while I do."
"I'll wait," he counters.
When she returns, she sees him talking to Shep in hushed tones. The dog is still cautious but seems genuinely interested.
"What are you two talking about?" she teases him as she sits opposite him.
He shrugs. "Boy stuff," he deadpans. She lifts her eyebrows. "Sport, the weather, food..."
"Girls..." she prompts wickedly.
He chuckles. "No, I wouldn't dare. Don't know if you guys have already had a serious talk about birds and bees," he says with a wink.
She giggles. "Didn't know you could banter," she teases him.
"I'll take that as a compliment," he says and tucks in his food. He motions with his fork for her to do the same. "Eat, lady," he orders, "that dog of yours has been eying your cucumber salad ever since you left your tray unguarded."
She snorts. "I thought you were guarding it," she counters.
He rolls his eyes. "Hey, I agreed to protect you, not your food!"
She shakes her head and takes a bite at her cucumbers then makes a face. She swallows but pushes her plate away. "What?" he asks, "don't like your own food?"
She shakes her head. "No time to check it myself, remember? With those interviews, I didn't have time to drop by the kitchens before dinner. Obviously, they've botched it again."
He shakes his head. "It's just a cucumber salad, Louise. No one can botch a salad. You slice, you season. Period."
She rolls her eyes. "I beg to differ. This is bitter and hardly seasoned at all." She pushes her plate towards him. "Go ahead. Taste it."
He takes a bite and makes a face too. "OK, got your point." He stands. "What do you want me to get you?" he says, grabbing the plate.
She shakes her head. "Nothing. It kind of made me feel queasy."
He stares her down but sits. "Look, you've had your shots. You need to eat. Carbs at the very least."
She sighs but starts nibbling at her bread. "How come you know about my diet?" she wonders.
"Sheppard told me. He also said where I could find your meds and how to inject them, in case," he replies, wincing as he sees her eyes darkening. "Hey, I only mean well and so does he," he says, lifting his hands in mock surrender.
She scoffs. "I don't like being babied."
"And I won't baby you. Wrong guy for that," he retorts. She chuckles. He draws patterns on his plate with his fork for a while then looks up. "Sheppard said you can't survive without those shots..." he says tentatively.
She winces and looks sad. "That's right. I would be dead in a matter of days."
"How does that work? I mean," he elaborates, seeing her raised eyebrows, "do you always need to carry your meds with you?"
She nods. "Yep, in a cooler. Food too. I don't have a special diet. Just a healthy one. Why do you ask?" she wonders.
He shrugs. "I'd never met someone like you. I was just wondering."
She scoffs. "Yeah, you sure couldn't. For a reason we've not uncovered yet, diabetes is endemic to Earth. No other planet we've explored so far knows about it. Lucky me. That makes me special!" she sniggers but stops short when she sees Sheppard making his way towards them.
She rises to her feet in haste. "I need to check stuff in the kitchen," she explains hastily. "Do you mind if I leave you for a moment?"
His back is to John but he senses his presence and doesn't need to turn to decipher the look of panic in Louise's eyes. He nods. "Go. And leave your tray. I'll take care of it," he offers.
She gives him a look of gratitude and scurries to the kitchen doors.
Sheppard takes her seat and pats Shep's head who's bouncing with enthusiasm. "Sit, buddy," he orders him. The dog's ears droop as he realizes it's not playtime yet. "I'll take you for a walk when I'm done here," John tells him with a smile then his look turns somber as he trains his gaze on the bounty-hunter. "Any news?" he asks him.
Ventrell pouts. "No. Not yet. I've seen all the scientists working on McKay's team this morning and about a third of Ms Léger's staff. Nothing yet but as they say, no news is good news..."
Sheppard nods. "Seeing the bottle half full, Ventrell?" he sniggers.
The other man barks a laugh. "Guess I am."
"And Louise?" Sheppard wonders.
Ventrell shrugs. "What about her?"
John huffs in exasperation. "Has she said anything?"
"Look, Sheppard, if you're looking for good news, I'm sorry to disappoint. It's one very stubborn lady you've got here so don't expect her to change her mind anytime soon. I can protect her. I can't brainwash her. Besides, you've heard her. She's made her decision and you need to respect it, don't you think?" he tells the other man.
Sheppard looks up angrily. "Yeah, well, easier said than done. It's my girl and my kid we're talking about."
"And you won't achieve anything by pestering her," Ventrell counters. "She needs to see for herself how very unhappy she'll be if she sticks to her plan. You can't talk her into changing her mind. You have all your friends plus myself watching her round the clock so she's never left unprotected. Leave well enough alone."
He sees Sheppard ready to cut him in. "Let her realize how miserable she is without you. Pregnant women are needy women. She'll realize soon enough how stupid it was to kick you out of her life and bed," he adds with a wink and sees he's won the game.
TBC
Extract from Louise's Cookbook
Apple Pancakes & Butterscotch
Apple Cinnamon Pancakes (for about 10)
one big apple or one and a half smaller one, grated
one egg (or for a healthier version, ¼ cup applesauce)
¼ to 1/3 cup milk
2 tsp baking powder
a pinch of cinnamon
1 and ½ cups flour
Add the milk last so you can adjust the quantity for thicker or thinner pancakes
Butterscotch
Butterscotch is different from caramel as it is made with light brown sugar. It can be used in many recipes ranging from cupcakes or muffins to trifles with biscoff and applesauce to New Orleans beignets. My favorite way of using it is ladling it on steaming apple or banana pancakes.
4 Tbsp butterscotch1 cup light-brown sugar
¾ cup heavy cream
1 Tbsp vanilla extract
½ tsp salt
In a saucepan with a thick bottom, melt the butte. Add the sugar. Whisk then add the cream and whisk for 10 mn. Add the vanilla.
Remove from the stove top. Add salt. It will help bring out the flavor.
Cool. Store in the fridge and reheat for a few seconds in the microwave when needed. Can also be frozen in ice cubes trays.