A/N:

Sorry this took longer than usual. I finally caved in and decided to make it a little longer hence the later update. Apologies for any mistakes, as well. Hope you like it! =)

DISCLAIMER:

Characters not mine. =)

-o-o-o-

4

Piper spent that night crying herself to sleep, not only because of how things ended up with Alex but because of the fact that after all that trouble she did, she'd only accomplished nothing but prove her mother right. It was a cruel realization, to know that she might never get out of the shadow that her mom had created for her. And what's worse is that because of this, she might not just lose herself, but also the people who had the potential of showing her what love really was.

Before all of this, before Alex even came to the picture, she was so certain that the person everyone saw when faced by her wasn't the real her. She was so convinced that her mother was wrong about her, that she was more than the person she thought she was.

But now, she wasn't so sure anymore. Was this really the wrong picture her mother had painted of her? Or was this the real Piper Chapman she just refused to accept?

That night, Piper fell asleep with eyes that hurt, a heart that felt heavy, and a soul that was lonely. And in her dreams was a vague visual of a life with Alex Vause, something that truly represented her reality.

Because when she woke up the next day, she knew that a life with Alex Vause wasn't a life she'd probably experience ever again.

-o-o-o-

When Piper went to work, the very thing she wanted to do was to stay out of people's eyes as much as possible, doing everything not to draw attention to herself. If only there wasn't a deadline she needed to catch, she would've chosen to miss work. But life didn't stop just because she wasn't feeling like dealing with the world.

And so here she was.

There was only a slight chance she might run into Alex and for that, she wasn't sure if she was grateful or disappointed. She didn't know how to face her anymore after their last conversation. Alex hadn't tried to contact her in any way after she left so Piper didn't try to reach out to her as well, thinking this was what Alex needed.

For her to stay away.

But she also wanted to see her. She's gotten used to her presence that being without her made Piper miss her immensely. She knew her day wouldn't feel complete without seeing Alex today. She wondered if this was how her day was going to be from now on.

So Piper decided to focus on her work, choosing to miss lunch to finish it. For a while, it worked. She hadn't thought of her mother. She hadn't given attention to her own thoughts that only suffocated her. She hadn't thought of Alex.

That was until Nicky announced her presence by surprising Piper from behind, causing the blonde to literally jump out of her seat, her hands clutching at her chest. "Jesus fucking Christ, Nicky! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh man, you should've seen your face!" Nicky said, bending slightly at the waist while she laughed at Piper's still shocked, and almost-scared, expression.

"Fuck you, seriously," Piper then noticed the glares her officemates were giving her so she smiled sheepishly at them, "Sorry," she said softly before looking back at Nicky and giving her bushy-haired, crazy friend her own glare.

"Geez, Chapman, you're extra uptight today."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I haven't seen you since this morning and I heard you also skipped lunch, so I just decided to drop by because I don't want you to miss my presence today."

Piper just rolled her eyes at this but managed to let out a small smile nonetheless.

"So, how'd the weekend go?"

"It was fine," Piper said briefly, not really in the mood to talk about the weekend, especially with Nicky, who was more Alex's best friend than hers. "Nicky, I appreciate you coming over to check on me but I really need to finish this by the end of the day," she said, refusing to look at Nicky, her eyes glued to her computer.

"Aha..." Nicky said in that tone that told Piper she wasn't done just yet.

Letting out a sigh, Piper finally faced Nicky who was wearing that infuriating smirk. "What?"

"What'd you do to Vause?"

"What?"

"I mean, I know most of the time, she has this broody persona going on and most of the time, it impresses me how much it attracts women. Don't ask me, I have no idea how she does it, too. But today, she's really bringing it to another level."

There was that guilt again, knowing she's the reason why Alex was probably having a bad day but Piper did her best to look impassive and unknowing of what Nicky was talking about.

"And since you're the last person she was with, I'm guessing it has something to do with you."

"Nicky, I didn't do anything."

"So maybe that's the problem?" Unable to pretend any longer, Piper let her shoulders drop as she put her palm on her forehead, her elbow on the table. "Take a break, Chapman. I have a feeling you really need it."

And with that, Piper was left alone once again.

-o-o-o-

Piper tried to go on with her life for the next two weeks. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was harder than she thought it would be especially after the day she saw Alex for the first time since her brother's wedding.

It was on a Thursday and she was running late and as she squeezed herself between the closing doors of the elevator, she failed to notice that there was only two other people inside. And of course, one of them was Alex.

Piper was breathing heavily at the time due to her running, but the moment her eyes met Alex's, she felt the air leave her lungs almost causing her to choke. Alex only said a soft 'Hey' to her and due to her surprise, Piper only managed a slight nod.

She didn't know it was possible to go from the version of them during the weekend to this blubbering mess around each other and it upset her immensely. From then on, she couldn't get Alex off her mind anymore no matter how hard she worked herself or how much she focused on other things.

Alex was in her mind during work.

She was in her mind when she ate.

She was in her mind before going to sleep.

She was in her mind even in her sleep.

She was in her mind when she woke up.

She was everywhere and it was driving Piper crazy because she knew she had to do something, anything. But she didn't know what to do or even say, and it was frustrating her to her core.

She's seen Alex again only twice after that but both times, Alex didn't see her, or maybe she was just pretending she didn't see her. Piper couldn't really blame her because if it was the other way around, she would probably pretend like she couldn't see Alex, too.

That was what she was good at anyway, pretending.

But it was during the fourth time they saw each other again, that Piper knew there was no way she was still running away from this.

It was a Wednesday evening and Piper stayed at the office later than everyone to finish yet another work. She was so sure that she was already alone at the time. It was almost one in the morning after all. So her guard was down, a very rare occurrence nowadays because she was now always worried about running into Alex.

She was about to go out of their building but she made the mistake of looking to her side for no reason at all and there stood Alex in all her glory, looking like every bit of the goddess she was. And very unfortunately for Piper, she looked back at her at the same time.

It was like one of those movies where the two protagonists look at each other at the same time, cue romantic music in the background afterwards. Except this felt more like a suspense film to Piper, and as quiet as her whole surroundings were, the beating of her heart was loud.

She didn't know what made her do it. And she was sure she was going to regret it in the future but before she could stop herself, she was walking towards Alex, her steps almost wobbly but certain.

"Hey."

If Alex was surprised with this gesture, she didn't show it. She's been really good at making her face look impassive that Piper hadn't been able to read her since their last proper conversation. "Hey. It's late, what are you still doing here?"

"I can ask the same thing about you?"

"Well, I asked first," Alex shrugged.

Piper was unable to stop the small smile that formed on her lips. "I just had to finish something."

"...that can't wait 'til tomorrow?"

"You can say that. You?"

"I had to make up an excuse so Nicky wouldn't force me to... hang out tonight. And then I figured, why not just make it real? At least I got some work done."

Piper just nodded feeling her nerves get the best of her. She's not really used to having small talks with Alex anymore. To be fair, they haven't had a small talk ever since they knew each other so this was actually new to her.

But then she remembered why she approached Alex in the first place so before she could chicken out again, she decided to finally speak. But what happened next wasn't something she was expecting at all.

"I'm sorry."

"Look, I'm sorry."

Alex said it at the same time and Piper wasn't sure if she heard it right at first but then she saw Alex's face and that's when she realized that she did. Alex's face was painted with guilt and Piper had immediately recognized it because it was the same look she saw every time she would look at the mirror.

Every. Damn. Time.

"Wh-, Alex, why are you apologizing?"

"Because I've been such a dick to you. I guess, I mean, I realized that I'm not really good with rejections, which is shitty, and that I took it out on you, which is a whole lot shittier. And I should've apologized sooner, but again I'm a shitty person which means I let my pride take over. So I'm sorry... for all the shittiness."

At this, Piper felt warmth spread to her chest at the sincerity in Alex's voice and face. And then she felt even worse for making Alex feel this way.

"Alex, you didn't do anything wrong. This is on me. And I'm sorry... for what happened. And also I'm sorry, that I made you feel like there's anything you need to apologize for. Because there isn't. It's my fault."

"Pipes, it's not your fault for feeling what you feel. That's something you can't control. But I have control over the things that I do and shouldn't do. So here I am."

Piper then fell silent. At that point she wanted to tell Alex that what she was apologizing for was the fact that she lied to her about what she really felt. That she's made Alex feel terrible just because she was too coward to face people with her reality about Alex.

She wanted to tell her that Alex was wrong for apologizing. That Alex was wrong for thinking that Piper didn't feel the same way she did.

But she couldn't do that. Still.

"I should go," Alex's voice broke Piper out of her own thoughts. "Take care, Pipes. Good night."

And so once again, Piper watched Alex walk away with that hollow feeling, hating herself for not saying what she needed to say and for not making Alex stay.

-o-o-o-

That night, sleep had evaded Piper once again and completely. Instead, she spent the night tossing and turning, replaying her last conversation with Alex inside her head.

She tried to focus on Alex's face, etched the memory in her head, just in case it was the last time she was having her beautiful face that close to hers.

She remembered how her eyes spoke volumes and how her entire face and body seemed to contradict that, looking tense and reserved, as if telling Piper 'You're not allowed in anymore.'

She remembered how her mouth looked when she talked to her and how it curved into an almost-forced smile. And then she tried to convince herself that she would always remember how her lips tasted, would always feel how her tongue moved against hers.

She tried to recall how Alex's hand barely moved that night, always kept at her side. It was so different from when she was using them to touch Piper in every possible way, making her feel a thousand emotions at once.

That night, what Piper wanted was to memorize everything with her conversation with Alex. But instead, all that happened was that the Alex she talked to wasn't the Alex she remembered, she wasn't the Alex that Piper wanted.

This wasn't what she wanted.

She wanted the old Alex back, the one who made her smile all the time, the woman who had made her laugh so effortlessly. She wanted the Alex who made her so damn happy it made everything else not matter.

-o-o-o-

She was late for work. She missed the incessant ringing of her alarm clock for the first time in as long as she could remember all because she couldn't stop thinking about Alex the night before. So here she was, running around her apartment already feeling so stressed when technically, her day hadn't even started yet.

Then her doorbell rang and for a few seconds, Piper just looked at her door, confused as to who would visit her at such an early hour.

And then it rang again, so as disoriented as she was, Piper ran towards her door and as she opened it, she felt her day become worse than it already was.

"Mom?"

"What are you doing? You look like you've been running a marathon... and not in a healthy way."

Piper was forced to move out of the way as her mother invited herself in, walking straight to her apartment. "Mom, what are you doing here? I have to be at work—"

"You should've already been at work half an hour ago and yet here you are."

Piper sighed, clenching her fists at her irritation that was quickly surfacing. "Which is why you can't be here right now, I'm late and I have to go." Piper started walking around again, fixing what needed to be fixed before she had to leave for work. She was about to grab her bag when her mom spoke again, and what she said caught her off guard that she immediately stopped moving.

"So, this... Alex, doesn't pick you up to go to work? Don't you two work together?"

"We do. And no, she doesn't."

"What kind of girlfriend is she if she can't even do a simple thing? If this was a man, I am sure you wouldn't be panicking right now, worrying about being late, because he would have picked you up—"

"Mom! Will you... please, I am begging you, just stop. I don't need this right now. I have to go. If you wanna stay, you are free to do so, but I am leaving." So Piper walked to the door, walking past Carol who she knew was still looking at her intently.

"But!" Carol raised her voice, making Piper stop. "But she really does care for you... so I guess I can let that go. Because people aren't perfect, and she certainly isn't. But she cares for you and I think that's what should matter, and not whether she's a man or a woman.

"What? What are you—" If Piper wasn't expecting this visit from her mom, she certainly wasn't expecting for the visit to turn out this way. What her mother was saying was something she never thought she would ever tell her, ever.

"She came to me."

"She did what now?"

"The day before yesterday, she visited me, and made me realize that you're a grown woman, who can make decisions on your own, and who has to make mistakes on your own so you can learn in a much better way. And at first, I thought, who is this woman coming here expecting me to be okay with being told what to do and feel?"

Piper felt her heart beat faster as she waited for what would come out of her mom's mouth next. She knew it was something horrible once again, so she wanted to calm herself, because she didn't wanna end up lashing out at her mother.

But what she said next was the last thing Piper was expecting.

"And then I realized that it's a woman who really cares about you, someone who doesn't care about being judged for who she is just so I could accept you for who you are." Carol paused, looking like she's in pain as she talked, but was also sincere nonetheless.

"Mom-"

"Just... let me talk, Piper, okay? You know this is not easy for me. But I wanna try."

"Okay..."

"None of the men you used to date has ever tried to do that, they've only indulged me with whatever I wanted, not what you needed. They're all spineless and cowards and they don't deserve you. But Alex... she does."

Piper swallowed, forcing herself not to cry, because it seemed that finally, her mom had learned to accept that she couldn't always control her, that she also had a mind of her own, and she was capable of using it. All because of the person she just drove away and out of her life.

"So, I'm here... because I wanted you to know that." For a while, none of them spoke again, just processing what had just transpired. "To be honest, I came here at this hour because I wasn't expecting to see you. I guess a part of me still find it difficult to... accept things as they are."

"But you're trying. And that matters to me." At this, Piper's eyes began to sting, and she knew that at any second, she was going to start crying. "Mom, thank you. That... that means a lot to me. And I'm sorry, for throwing that at you during Danny's wedding. It wasn't the right time and place, I know that now. And I'm sorry."

"Well, it did get us here, so maybe it was the right time and place after all." Piper noticed that Carol was fighting her tears, too, and she knew that it was taking all her strength to do this because Carol Chapman didn't cry, especially in front of anyone.

Piper knew how difficult this was for her mom, and so she realized she at least deserved the truth. So as hard as it was, she decided to do just that.

"Alex is really not my girlfriend. I only asked her to pretend to be my girlfriend because I wanted to piss you off."

Surprisingly, Carol smiled. "I know that."

"What? You know? How—"

"I told you, she came to visit me."

"She told you?!"

"Yes. And I'm glad she did, because it's what made me know how she really feels about you. If she did it because you're together, then I would've probably thought she was only doing it because she wanted to be accepted into the family. But you're not together, and so coming to me wouldn't have benefited her in any way. She came to me for you and for you only."

"Then I'm sorry for lying."

Carol waved her hand as if dismissing Piper's apology. "You wouldn't have done that if it wasn't for me, anyway, so stop apologizing and just listen to what I have to say. Piper, you need to tell her the truth, about what you really feel—"

"What are you talking about, I don't—"

"Piper Elizabeth Chapman, I may have been a terrible mother but I am still a person with eyes, and the way you acted around her during that weekend, it's obvious that you feel for her the same way she feels for you. So I'm telling you now, you need to tell her or else I would be very mad because you would've had just given me an unnecessary stress during your brother's wedding."

To say Piper was stunned would be putting it lightly. This was not how she thought her day was going to start, and yet here she was, currently processing everything that her mother just told her.

"And this is not me once again telling you what to do. This is me telling you to do what you're afraid to do because of me."

"Y-you're... you're really telling me to go confess to Alex how I feel? And not because you're dying or anything?" Carol rolled her eyes and for Piper, it was like seeing this whole other version of her mother she failed to see all those years. "Inappropriate, I know. But really?"

"Do you want me to take my blessing back because that would be so much easier for me—"

"No! No, I don't want you to take it back. Don't do that." Now in a hurry, Piper kissed and hugged her mom. "I have to go see Alex now, would you be okay here?"

"Yes. Go."

"Thank you, Mom. Really. I love you. Bye."

Piper then ran out of her door, and for the first time in her life, she felt happy that her mother had told her what to do. Because now, she had the courage to tell Alex how she really felt. And hopefully, she wasn't too late just yet.

-o-o-o-

Piper had been pacing back and forth in front of the elevator for quite a few minutes now and she was aware that she's already so damn late. But frankly, she didn't really care. She needed to talk to Alex and from what she's been told, she hasn't come in yet.

And she knew that if she stopped moving until Alex arrived, she would lose all the courage she's spent the past half an hour convincing herself she had.

Ten minutes later, and just as she was about to lose hope that Alex was coming in at all, she saw her tall, beautiful... someone, and as soon as her eyes landed on hers, Piper purposefully strode towards her. The blonde was aware how cold her hands were but when she was close enough to Alex, she grabbed her hand and pulled her with her as she walked towards a more secluded area of the building.

"Piper, what the hell are you doing?" Alex asked, her voice filled with confusion.

But Piper decided not to answer until she was sure no one else was around them. Facing Alex, she let go of her hand and breathed deeply, preparing herself for what she was about to say.

"You're an asshole."

That wasn't what Piper was intending to say but thanks to her foot-in-mouth disease, she may have just fucked this up before even getting to her point.

"Wow," Alex said as she raised her eyebrows, adjusting her glasses in the process.

"Shut up, and just... let me talk for now, okay? Or else I'm not gonna say anything again. And I really... really wanna tell you."

"Okay..."

"You're an asshole. And you're annoying... sometimes. And you piss me off so, so easily. Sometimes, one smirk and everything in me just... snaps."

And bless her, Alex actually smirked at this and Piper had the sudden want to kiss her so bad. But she wouldn't be able to do that unless she finished what she was supposed to say so she went on, ignoring the faster pace her heartbeat was taking.

"But you're also real. You're always true to what you feel and you never let anyone dictate to you what you should do or feel. You never let them stop you from being who you are. And I've always thought that that's what I hated most about you, but I was wrong.

Because that makes you the bravest person I know and getting to know you more, you've made it hard for me to see that you even have flaws because they make you so, so beautiful.

And I've probably fucked it up, this, whatever there is... or was, between us... if there even was one. But those reasons I said for asking you to pretend to be my girlfriend... I couldn't just let you think that that's what I think of you. I did, and I'm sorry for judging you even before I got to know you. But I don't think that anymore."

For a while, Alex didn't talk. She just looked at Piper as if figuring out if this was really happening, like she was waiting for the punch line, for Piper to take it all back. If she was being honest, Piper thought that she was gonna take it all back, too, go back to doing the safe way which was staying out of Alex's life.

But surprising herself for the nth time in days, add the fact that her mother was brave in front of her today, too, she stayed her ground and looked back at Alex telling her through her own eyes that this was something that she meant, something that she didn't want Alex to forget.

"Wh—"

But she knew that eventually she would do or say something stupid. So before Alex could even form a word, Piper walked past her, leaving Alex with her mouth hanging open, endless possibilities of how this would affect them filling her mind.

The ball was back in Alex's court now, and after the pain Piper caused her, the least she could do was let her decide if this was still what she wanted, if Piper was still who she wanted.

And now all Piper had to do was wait.

-o-o-o-

SHOUTOUTS:

WB79, FFChik, RJVause, HotforVause, Sarah, mielsita, NatAttack16, AndyTheOrc, definitelyalopez, Pc.I,heart,you,too, dali14, baustahlgewebe, elliellie1, theretheygoagain, Librarybook, PiperCVause, nellesalvador, hakunamatatahum, JacqLeighton88, jlk215, ejm137, Bellacjh, fangirl9278, YohIDC, yuri, AVreader and to the 20 guests who didn't leave names THANK YOU I LOVE YOU ALL