Punch.

"I know I can't get to where I want to be alone. I need your help."

"…Of course, Bucky. But…I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm only trying my best."

"I know, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. And that's it. It's all I need."

Punch.

"At some point, Bellamy, we're going to have to face reality, you know."

Kick.

So don't worry about HYDRA, or me. It's not worth it. I hope you understand.

Punch, punch.

Bellamy stopped her assault and tried to stop the memory reel in her head, panting and focusing on the bag in front of her instead of dwelling inside her head. She brushed the hair that was sticking to the sweat on her forehead away and only then did she notice Steve at the other punching bag, unwrapping his fists and staring at her in mild concern. She swallowed.

"Does it help?" When she looked back at him he was staring instead at his hands.

She thought about her time so far in the tower. Still she found herself trying to adapt and noticed she only stuck close to Steve, and felt comfortable only around Natasha, Sam, and Bruce. Clint was fine and didn't really bother her, and she could coexist around Tony and didn't jump so much anymore at the sound of Thor's booming voice. She was even getting used to JARVIS.

In her heart, though, there was still unhealed damage, like a toothache in her mouth she couldn't work around or an intense inch she couldn't get rid of. The bear was still in her arms every night; he was still in her mind every night with a new unanswered question. Why did he leave so soon, why did he stay for so long, did he regret that? She felt old and new, on her way in and still struggling to make her way out.

"It does." She replied to Steve, before she shrugged past him back to her room.

Without really noticing, without really trying, she soon started growing closer to Sam. When the Avengers left to go overseas once more, hunting after HYDRA, it was just the two of them left together. Their search so far had been futile and small, with no trace of Bucky found, but she knew that was what was going to happen; he didn't want to be found. However, they kept up with the search, both of them for the same reason—Steve.

"What do you say we take today off?" Sam asked her as he stopped by her room and found her staring out the window at the rain pouring down. She glanced over at him.

"Have some errands to run?" She asked, and he made a face before he sighed.

"It's two things. One I'm proud of and one I'm not." He laughed and she made a small smile.

"Okay, good excuse first."

"Back at DC, I used to work down at the VA. Being away, I can't help but feel a little...guilty. I've been wanting to head down to a local vet center close by." Bellamy nodded, smiling.

"And not-so-good excuse?"

"…Football season starts back up tonight." She laughed, shaking her head.

"Well, I'd say the good cancels out the rest. We probably can't get much done in this rain anyways." Sam's lingering grin stayed and he tilted his head.

"How about you head down with me? We could stop and get some lunch after—I'll even pay. Then we can watch the game, assuming you're into football; my ass will be watching either way." Bellamy chuckled, turning back to stare out the window before she looked away and joined Sam's side.

"I'll go if you let me pay." She offered. He only shrugged.

"You don't have to ask me twice." She smiled. "You ever been volunteering before?" She cleared her throat.

"Yes, usually with children." Sam nodded.

"Then you understand." She raised an eyebrow.

"Understand what?"

"It's addicting. Helping people, seeing things click, seeing them change, seeing hope in their eyes." Bellamy could picture a pair of perfect blue eyes in her head and she looked down at the ground with a frown.

"Yeah. There's nothing better."

Sam was great at what he did, and what he did helped those who were there to listen. He had a way of connecting to these people, not just because of shared experience, but deep empathy most didn't have. She couldn't help but think as she sat and listened to his seminar how much Sam's words could've helped Bucky.

"You don't get stage fright, do you?" She told him after he was through and it was just the two of them.

"Oh, never. My mom has millions of home videos of me when I was little. Center of attention. But nah, these guys are something different. I just want to offer something relatable, something they can take home and help them when it's just them and their thoughts, you know?" Bellamy nodded.

"I think you did a very great job." He grinned at her.

"Thanks. You ready for some food? 'Because I know I'm ready for a free meal." She chuckled, smiling and nodding.

"Yeah, there's this place I frequent. They have great sandwiches."

Inside Susanna's Café, it was in between busy and empty, which was fine enough for the two of them. They both ordered sandwiches and a hot cup of coffee to help detract from the rain outside. Kailyn, the same young woman that always worked there greeted Bellamy with a warm smile.

"Did I miss the McGraths this morning?" Bellamy asked as she paid for their lunch. Kailyn frowned a bit and shook her head, and Bellamy frowned; it was Tuesday.

"Actually, they stopped coming in right after you and your friend stopped. I haven't seen them in months." Bellamy grew mildly concerned and tried not to let it bother her as they chose a table near the back.

"Is it bad I forgot you actually had a life outside this and S.H.I.E.L.D.?" Sam chuckled as they sat. Bellamy chuckled too, watching different groups of people pass by the window outside on the sidewalk, trudging through the rain.

"No. I hardly had a life, actually. I just knew an older couple that comes in here every Tuesday, became fast friends. They're absolutely lovely." Sam smiled and nodded.

"So, you won't be offended if I ask you why you're single?" She looked back to him sharply. "I'm assuming you'll say the same BS as Steve about being busy, but that can't be completely true for you anymore."

"Why are you single?" She shot back. Sam's easy-going demeanor never wavered.

"Haven't met the right one yet. I've met people here and there, and you think they're perfect in the beginning, and that's when some kind of drama has to show its ugly side. But it's not a big deal to me, it'll happen when it happens. Is that how it is with you, haven't met that one yet?" She took a drink of the coffee and grimaced at the taste, before she chuckled at herself and felt the unavoidable pang of longing.

"No. I think I did." Sam frowned a bit, confused. "I think…no. I know I met the right one, but…"

"It's Steve, isn't it?" Sam said with the start of a knowing smile. Bellamy started.

"Oh—uh…" She could see Kailyn coming over with a smile and their two plates of food and looked instead back out the window as she tried to find her words. Sam started to say something else, but she wasn't listening anymore. Outside, she inspected people's faces. A young couple, a stern-faced woman, lots of men peppered in between, some young, some old.

But then there, fleetingly, she saw someone that made her heart jump. It was the same shoulder-length disheveled brown hair, even the same build, it was a man who looked exactly like that of the man who haunted her like a ghost every single night in her dreams. He was only there for an instant, before she lost him in the throng of the crowd.

Bellamy jolted out of her seat without thinking and nearly knocked Kailyn over as she rushed out of the Café onto the sidewalk, ignoring Sam calling her name and trying to peer over the heads of the disappearing crowd, getting shoved as she stood in the way of other people. Her heart was pounding and her knees were shaking as she searched desperately.

"Bucky!" She called out frantically as she pushed through the people, but no head turned. She couldn't see anyone that even remotely resembled him. Her heart sank. Behind her, she could hear Sam calling her name again. Tears of disappointment began welling in her eyes.

She couldn't go back.

Without hesitating, she continued pushing through the crowd, losing Sam behind her and continuing on her way back towards her apartment. Inside the building outside her door she took a breath in and rested her forehead against the door, feeling as though the wound in her heart had taken another hit and was even bigger than before.

With a shaky hand, she pulled her key out and unlocked her door, knowing she didn't want to be around people at the moment, people like Sam who cared enough about her well-being to question her tears. People she had to provide answers and words and explanations for.

Inside, she could breathe. The air was so still, it was a different atmosphere than the tower; it felt uninhabited. But she could breathe, and it was free. She sat down on the sofa and it almost felt foreign. Worn and tired, not of newness, but more comfortable than anything she had rested on recently.

Her cell phone started ringing and she checked it to see Sam, but didn't answer. He left a voicemail, but she didn't listen and knew it wasn't responsible but wasn't compelled to do anything about it. But she needed something to focus on and instead went to collect her mail from downstairs.

She looked through the envelopes of bills and junk before she stopped at the sight of one letter without a return address. That made it strange, but the longer she stared at it, the longer she realized she knew who's handwriting made scratchy "y's."

With blind fingers, she tore open the envelope and pulled out the paper inside, folded neatly. It was a handwritten note, resembling the one she still had inside What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire. In shock, she cupped her hand over her mouth.

To you who opened my eyes,

I guess I'm the one who got inspired to write. It's true, though, everything I see now I look at differently and it's because you come to mind first. I haven't forgotten about you, not for one second. You've never left my mind, so I guess that makes you my muse.

I hope you're trying to live life to the fullest. I'm guessing that's why you moved into that Avenger's tower. It was on the news, I saw your face and everything else around me stopped. It seems like you're finally letting Steve in too. That's good, he's a good person. Always has been. I'm happy you're giving him a chance. He's a strong shoulder to lean on, and he'll always be there and won't ever move no matter how much you need to lean. He won't let you down.

I hope I won't either, but I don't know. I'm sure you've heard about the HYDRA base. It felt good, like getting a puzzle piece to finish off a bigger picture, getting redemption because it's not just my own, it's for you too. Maybe's it's all for you. I think it is.

Maybe you'll be happy to know I'm still reading, and I wonder with each book I see if you've already read it. There's a part of me that wishes I could be in a different world where we kissed on that Wonder Wheel and I took you with me because we just decided to run away and I didn't feel so afraid. But it's not, and I don't want you living in a world waiting for me to come to terms with everything I'm dealing with. You should move on, but I wanted you to know you changed everything.

I know you're probably helping Steve look for me, but you won't find me, not until I'm done. But asking you to wait for me wouldn't be fair, so I'm not. I don't know when I'll be "done," it might be twenty years from now. I wish I had met you back then, back when I was a different person, but that wouldn't have been enough time if these last five months weren't. Time is funny, and I find myself hating it more often than not.

I bet you'll be surprised to know I never wrote to a girl back home when I was at war. I wrote to Steve in the beginning, but I don't know if he ever got them. But never a girl, I didn't have a special one. I didn't have a picture of her to look at when things got hard. But I'm back at war again, I have a picture of you (I hope you don't mind me taking it), and I'm writing to you. And I hope you get this.

I hope you understand why I'm out here, and I hope you can forgive me for it. I wanted to stay, but I needed to go. This is all I have to give you right now. I can't just buy you a big wheel for all the world to see, but I can give these bastards hell and maybe that can mean something. At least that's what I tell myself.

I hope more than anything you're happy right now and…I miss you.

Sincerely yours

Bellamy blinked and watched two identical tear drops splatter against the paper. This letter was somehow more than the last one; she needed closure after the first one, but this one didn't give her that, it gave her something better. Hope. A new understanding. Confirmation that she wasn't left in the dark, the only one out of the two of them feeling this. And more than anything, insight to a bigger picture.

Only now could see everything better. Finally, she was on top of a mountain and could see more clearly, and yes, her heart ached more than ever, but it was renewed. The wound was soothed.

Now, no return address made sense, but it also frustrated her. If she could write back, she would tell him everything that she felt in her heart. It would be hard, but she would refrain from begging him to come back and instead give him that affirmation that he had just given her. She would tell him she was rooting for him, that she was holding him close to her heart, that nothing and nobody could make her not wait for him. But she couldn't and he didn't know any of it.

She sniffed and after rereading it, tucked it carefully into her back pocket. Finally, filled with a newfound responsibility once again, she took a calming breath and paid her bills, took one last look around her apartment, and headed back to the tower so she could continue on. One step at a time, one day at a time.