AUTHOR'S NOTE: I realized as I was writing this that I mixed up my own terminology for what, exactly, Reid is in relation to having babies. It's not a big deal, just the way I choose to phrase it. So, in the last chapter when Reid and Morgan are discussing what Michaela will call them, Red said "It's not uncommon for male carriers to use female pronouns." In my universe here, a "carrier" refers to any male with the ability to have children. Women who can are just regular women. So there's no need to say "male carrier" because all carriers are male and a woman would not be referred to as one. Doesn't make the story any different to read. Just thought I'd explain my terms here.

After their meeting with Dr. Jones, they'd stopped at a pharmacy to fill it before heading home. Spencer had deposited the little white bag on the island counter and hadn't so much as looked at it in several hours. He knew he had to take it but he convinced himself waiting until that night or even the next day would be okay.

Then he and Derek had needed to get ready for their dinner with the team. Spencer was ready, wearing a pair of khakis and a blue button down under a black sweater vest. He'd even added a tie tucked underneath the vest just to feel more like his old self. Derek was still in their bedroom and Fran had disappeared with Michaela into the nursery.

Which left Spencer alone with nothing to do but wait. He'd found himself wandering into the kitchen and had spotted the forgotten bag. Nervously, he'd pulled the bottle out, setting it in the center of the counter and stared at it.

He felt like the little pills inside were mocking him.

A mixture of fear, resolve, and hope whirled in his mind, making the indecision nag at him even more so. Taking them would mean admitting he was sick. Yes, he'd told Derek everything he was feeling and they'd spoken to his doctor but somehow, actually taking the medication seemed like the nail in the coffin. And he was afraid that they wouldn't work. Or, even at a lighter dose, they'd affect Michaela somehow.

But he knew he had to take them. He couldn't go on the way he was. Everything made him scared or anxious and he couldn't enjoy having a newborn like a normal parent should because he was always worried something was going to happen to her. Some of that worry came from the vast amounts of knowledge in his brain and the job he and Derek had, Spencer knew. But it shouldn't affect him to this extent. He was sick in a way and he did need to take them.

With determined movements, he snatched the bottle, removed the cap, and tipped a pill into his palm. The texture of it against his skin felt like fire, a reminder that he was sick and now relied on pills to get better. He ignored those thoughts and crossed to a cabinet and pulled down a glass, filled it with water, and quickly swallowed the pill.

Trembling slightly, he put the cap back on the bottle and tucked into the drawer they reserved for random odds and ends like batteries and tape where he wouldn't see it until he needed to take the next dose.

"Spencer?"

Jerking his head up, Spencer forced a small smile when he saw Fran standing in the doorway, brows pinched in concern.

"Where's Michaela?" he asked, hoping to divert her attention from whatever it was she was going to say because he knew she'd ask about how he was feeling and he didn't want to examine his feelings any closer than necessary for the foreseeable future.

"She's asleep in your bedroom," Fran assured, stepping closer to the island. "Are you feeling okay, honey?"

Spencer nodded sharply and unconsciously took a step away from her, back toward the doorway. "I should go see if Derek is ready. We don't want to be late."

"Wait a minute," Fran said hurriedly, raising a hand to stop him from moving away any further. "I wanted to give you something."

No! No more gifts or tips or tricks or suggestions! Guilt made nausea roll in Spencer's stomach and he pulled in a deep breath through his nose. Fran had been here two weeks and had been cooking for them and helping keep the house clean and caring for Michaela because Spencer was sick! He couldn't handle everything he should and it was Fran that was doing it all and he couldn't take anything else from her!

"Spencer!"

Spencer twitched at the sharp call of his name and blinked a few times, realizing he'd zoned out. Fran's head was titled as she studied him and he felt more guilt for worrying her.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I was just thinking. A-About what it could be," he quickly lied though he wasn't sure she believed him. Probably not. "You don't have to keep giving me things. Or doing so much to help. I-I mean I appreciate it, but-"

"Spencer, honey, I really don't mind," she said softly, hesitantly reaching out to place a calming hand to his shoulder and rubbing back and forth. "Anything I can do to make things easier for you two until you feel comfortable, I will. I love being able to help my boys."

Spencer felt his face flush and he ducked his head, letting his hair fall forward. Shortly after Derek and Spencer had revealed to her that they were dating, Fran had taken to calling Spencer one of "her boys." It made him feel like he'd found another place he belonged like he belonged as part of the BAU team and like he belonged with Derek.

He nodded and gave her a small, apologetic smile. "Thank you."

"Anytime, sweetie," she said, gently patting his cheek before offering him the gift bag she'd been holding. "Now, this is for you."

He took the bag and set it on the island then reached inside. His fingers brushed against something cloth and then against something packaged in a baggy plastic like diapers. But Fran wouldn't give him diapers for Michaela as a present. Curiously, he pulled out the cloth item first.

What he pulled out was a gray band of cotton cloth similar to a chest binder a woman might wear to suppress her breasts to appear more flat chested. Except this material wasn't as tight and the ends clasped together similar to a bra. It was snug enough that he knew it would fit without falling but wouldn't constrict him in any uncomfortable way. On the inside of the band were two round pads with a diameter as wide as the cotton and a few inches apart. They were made from an absorbent material similar to sanitary pads and had adhesive backs so they could be peeled off and replaced.

Spencer didn't see any tags labeling the item or its size or price – which made sense because the pads had to be bought separately and attached which Fran had obviously done – but he knew what this was.

A carrier wrap.

Since carriers didn't have actual full breasts like women and, therefore, didn't wear bras, they didn't have anywhere to tuck tissues or anything to absorb leaks when they first began breastfeeding. It was why Spencer had just been wearing shirts that were easily changed and had chosen a few layers tonight in case he leaked during dinner. But there were undergarments like this one designed for carriers. The absorbent pads fit over the nipples to absorb leaking milk.

"I bought that the last time I went for groceries," Fran explained. "I thought you might want it tonight so you wouldn't have to worry about if you leak during dinner."

Spencer ran his fingers across the soft cotton then lightly against one of the nipple pads. The idea of wearing it felt both oddly calming and embarrassing. He knew it would keep any leaks from soaking through his layers but he also felt like everyone would know he was wearing it. What if he moved differently with the cloth band around his chest? What if the nipple pads crinkled when he moved?

He peered into the box just to check that the package at the bottom was what he thought. A bright purple plastic package sat at the bottom, the male on the package – presumably a carrier given the product – grinning back up at him, wearing a wrap similar to the one Spencer held except in white. Probably to show how dark leak spots wouldn't show on the material through the nipple pads but Spencer highly doubted the model was even truly lactating.

"What do you think?" Fran asked quietly.

Spencer set the wrap down with a shrug. "I never thought about buying one," he admitted. "I just assumed I would have to keep changing my tops."

"Why don't you go try it on and see how it feels? If you don't like it, you don't have to keep it and you won't hurt my feelings," Fran assured with an encouraging smile.

After a moment's thought, Spencer nodded, picked up the carrier wrap, and disappeared into the bathroom. He gently laid the wrap on the counter then removed his vest, tie, and button down. His button down didn't have a single drop of milk on it which mildly surprised him. Taking a breath to steady himself, he picked up the carrier wrap and unclasped it then pulled it across his chest, attempting to clasp it from behind. Unable to do it blind, he let it drop out of one hand with a frustrated groan then changed his hold so the wrap was behind him and the clasps in front. He managed them more easily with them in front then shifted it around so they were behind him and gave it a few tugs on top and underneath until the nipple pads were in place.

With a huff, he examined his reflection now that the wrap was on. He swallowed down the nervous flutters the strange sight in the mirror caused. It felt like he was looking at the reflection of a stranger. The wrap looked like it fit him nicely. And, actually, it did fit well. It wasn't too tight but it also didn't feel like it would slip down at any given moment. The nipple pads were soft against his nipples and didn't irritate them when he twisted his torso to either side.

Experimentally, he pulled his button down back on and buttoned it. A thorough perusal of his reflection didn't reveal any shadows or abnormal body shapes that would give the wrap underneath away. Still unsure but feeling slightly more confident, Spencer retied his tie then pulled on his sweater vest again. With all his layers, the wrap was virtually undetectable in his reflection. And all those layers didn't feel oppressive either. He felt a comfortable pressure surrounding him with the wrap and his shirt and vest, like being hugged.

Smiling nervously, he returned to the kitchen, seeing Derek had joined Fran. He smoothed his palms down his sweater then tugged nervously at the hem.

"Well? What do you think?" Fran asked, coming around to stand beside Spencer. "How does it feel?"

"How does what feel?" Derek asked, eyeing his boyfriend for anything different.

"You mean you can't tell?" Spencer asked, tone hopeful.

"No?" Derek said but it came out more like a question through his confusion.

"I bought Spencer a carrier wrap," Fran explained. "I thought he might like the extra protection from leaks so he didn't have to worry during dinner."

"Yeah? I couldn't tell," Derek admitted, moving to stand in front of Spencer and trailing his hands down Spencer's sides to rest on his hips. "Nope, can't tell," he murmured.

At Derek's touch, Spencer shivered and lifted his hands to rest on Derek's chest. The feeling of Derek's firm pectorals under his fingers sent another shiver through him and he suddenly wanted to press as close to his boyfriend as he could, to feel the firm planes of his boyfriend pressed against his own body from chest to toes. He hadn't thought about sex since Michaela was born, nowhere near in the mood for it with everything that had happened since that morning in the bathtub. But in that moment, he felt more like himself than he had in the last two weeks and he wanted Derek.

Derek chuckled and planted a quick kiss to his lips before stepping back, dropping one hand from Spencer's hips and slipping the other around to rest on his back. "We should get going, pretty boy," he said, grinning.

Spencer cleared his throat and nodded though leaving the house was the last thing he wanted to do. And not because he'd been so turned on by his boyfriend a second ago. Derek reminding him they had to leave reminded him that he'd be leaving Michaela for a few hours for the first time since she was born.

"Y-Yeah," he mumbled, casting a glance toward the living room as if he could see into their room where Michaela slept in the bassinet.

"You wanna go check on her, don't you?" Derek asked and Spencer heard the amusement in the question even if he wasn't looking. "Spencer, normally I'd say go because I know it will calm you down but this time, I think it'll do you good to just walk away. You know Mama isn't going to let anything happen to her."

"I've got the baby monitor right here, honey," Fran said and when Spencer turned to face her, she was holding up the receiver for him to see. "I'll hear her the minute she cries. Right now, she's just sleeping."

Spencer crossed the room and gently took the monitor and listened closely. He could hear the rhythmic inhalations and exhalations of his sleeping daughter and sighed, nodding reluctantly. "Okay," he whispered, handing it back and moving to stand beside Derek who called a goodbye out to his mother as he began shepherding Spencer from the kitchen.

Spencer let Derek lead him out to the car but fiddled with the cuffs of his shirt, tugging at them in sharp, jerking motions.

"Spencer, relax," Derek said as they slipped into the car. "Michaela will be fine."

"I-I know. I know," Spencer breathed, breaths coming slightly quicker. "It's just I've never been away from her since she was born and I think part of this is the anxiety I've been having and I only just took the first dose of medication and I know it's not going to make me better instantly but I know your mother is there with her but I can't help worrying and-"

"Spencer," Derek snapped to catch his attention. "Take deep breaths and try to relax. I know you can't help freaking out but I promise she will be fine. Have I ever let you down?"

Spencer immediately shook his head. "No. Never."

Derek reached over and squeezed his shoulder, helping to ground him. "Then trust me, okay? We'll only be gone an hour or two."

Spencer nodded, swallowing back the nausea his anxiety was causing, and dropped his hands from his cuffs. "Okay."

Derek nodded and started the car, watching Spencer for signs of panic as they pulled out and started down the street.

They made it to the restaurant they were meeting the team at with no further incidents. Spencer fiddled with his shirt and vest a bit but he didn't ask Derek to go back and he resisted the urge to pull out his phone and call Fran or ask her for a picture of Michaela. When they stepped inside, they found everyone else had already arrived. Knowing they had been waiting because he had been panicking made guilt twist in Spencer's chest and his fingers itched with the want to start fiddling with something.

"Spence."

Spencer turned to see JJ standing beside him, arms open in invitation for a hug. He gave her a small smile and stepped into her arms, wrapping his around her. Somehow, his friend's presence calmed him and he felt himself relax marginally. When they parted, the others on their team took their turns greeting the couple but none gave him as warm a hug as JJ had – except Garcia who was just a "warm" kind of person. As they settled, Spencer purposely sat between JJ and Derek, hoping having those two close by would keep him from worrying too much to enjoy the evening.

"So, guys," Prentiss said as they all settled at the table, looking between Spencer and Derek. "How's life with a newborn?"

The mention of their daughter had Spencer grinning and he ducked his head sheepishly, feeling Derek wrap his arm around Spencer's shoulders.

"It's great," Derek said. "Though she mostly sleeps and eats right now."

"I still can't believe you had no idea you were pregnant, Reid," she added in an awed tone, aiming a curious look toward Spencer. "I mean, how does that happen?"

Spence shrugged, feeling himself relax a bit more as the facts required to answer her question just came to him and he found himself rambling easily. "It's not uncommon for women and carriers who don't have sex regularly and don't see doctors regularly and, for women, menstruate regularly to not even realize they're pregnant right away. With our jobs, there is no regular anything so it was easy for me to miss it in the beginning.

"Then, as it progressed, I didn't feel much different than normal so the thought that I could be pregnant never occurred to me. This happens when a fetus doesn't emit enough hCG or human chorionic gonadotropin which is essentially the hormone that the fetus uses to communicate with its parent. If a woman or carrier's baby isn't emitting enough, their symptoms will be more mild. It's why Michaela was smaller than she should have been at birth as many babies of pregnancies like this are. Because I wasn't eating in enough for the both of us," he explained.

"But how did you not get bigger?" Prentiss continued, tone rising in curious excitement and hands gesturing to make her point. "I mean, you're so thin already that a baby has to be noticeable even if it's small."

Spencer huffed a laugh, amused at how curious and excited Prentiss was becoming. "As you said, I'm very thin. It's not strange for me to weigh less than I should. I've always been like that since I don't eat much anyway. And since I didn't know and I wasn't eating enough for the both of us, she stayed small. So even if I did gain a little weight, it was easy for me to assume I was finally getting back up to where I should be."

Prentiss blew out a breath and sat back in her seat, staring at him as she absorbed what he said. "That all makes sense, it's just… It still baffles me that someone could not know."

"Would that happen every time?" JJ asked. "I mean, if you happened to get pregnant again or if you're purposely trying, will every baby be like that?"

Spencer tilted his head as he regarded her, analyzing her question to make sure he understood right. "You mean, will any baby I carry be small and undetectable because Michaela was?"

JJ nodded. "Yeah, if it happened to one, will it happen to more?"

Spencer shook his head. "No. Well, it is possible, but not in the way you're thinking in that just because it happened to one means it will happen to all. It's not an issue with me that caused it. Like I said, some fetuses just emit lower levels of hCG. It just depends on the fetus. It is entirely possible that, should I have more children, they'll produce more natural levels of the hormone and I'll experience the usual symptoms and be able to sustain the fetus properly so it can grow and then, of course, I'll show. Or it's possible that the same thing will happen as it did with Michaela and I won't know until I'm in labor."

JJ nodded and smiled in thanks, seeming satisfied with that answer.

Before anyone else could question Spencer, a waitress stepped up to the table to take drink orders. Rossi ordered an expensive bottle of wine for the table which Spencer politely declined drinking and ordered water instead since he was still breastfeeding Michaela.

"I'll have water, too," JJ added quietly then averted her gaze when everyone shot her questioning looks. "If Spencer can't drink, he shouldn't be the only one not having wine."

"JJ, you don't have to do that," Spencer said, offering her a reassuring smile. "Derek isn't drinking either since I can't."

"Still," she said, shaking her head. "I'd feel better if you two weren't the only ones not drinking."

"Okay then," Rossi declared, putting an end to the light arguing. "The wine and three waters it is."

The waitress nodded and disappeared and a calm quiet settled over the table, the natural flow of conversation having been broken by her appearance. Which Spencer was grateful for. He understood everyone's curiosity about Michaela and her birth, but he felt uncomfortable being in the spotlight. But, of course, the reprieve didn't last.

"So, do you guys have more pictures?" Garcia asked with a grin. "I showed them the one I took of her and Reid the day she was born but I want more."

Derek chuckled and shook his head. "Like I said before, she mostly eats and sleeps. There isn't much to photograph yet."

"You guys should do one of those baby photo shoots," Hotch suggested. "Haley had one done of Jack and it's great having an album of pictures of him as a baby tucked away."

Spencer and Derek glanced at each other then Derek shrugged, looking back toward the team while Spencer looked down at his hands.

"Maybe later," Derek said quietly, his mood more subdued.

Of course, having profilers as friends means everyone else picked up on the change in the couple.

"Is something wrong?" Rossi asked, glancing between the two.

Spencer sighed and began fiddling with the button on one of his cuffs. When he spoke, it was just above a whisper. "A photo shoot is a nice idea but sounds too overwhelming for me right now. I, um… I haven't been myself since Michaela was born."

"Like baby blues? I thought that went away after a week or two," Hotch said.

"It does," Spencer confirmed. "And when I didn't get better and I started feeling scared of irrational things and thinking things that terrified me, we saw my doctor. He said I have postpartum depression and anxiety. I'm on a light dose of an anti-depressant that will help and allow me to continue breastfeeding but I only started today."

"He's gotta give it time to do its thing before we try something as exciting and overwhelming as photo shoots," Derek added, his hand slipping from Spencer's shoulder to rub calming circles into his back.

"Oh, honey," Garcia sighed, mouth turned down in a deep frown. The rest of the team looked at them with similar expressions as they took in the new development.

Spencer tensed at the way she said it, feeling like everyone was pitying him now because he was sick and dependent on drugs to be a normal human being so he could take care of his daughter. He glared at the table, hands clenched into fists in his lap.

"Don't," he growled. "Don't treat me like I need to be babied or like I can't handle being a mother. I'm still me." With an annoyed huff, he shoved Derek's arm away and stood, stalking toward the front of the restaurant and out toward their car. He didn't think he wanted to tell Derek they needed to leave but he did want a minute away from everyone.

To his annoyance, he'd only been alone a minute when footsteps crossed the parking lot and headed straight for him.

"You know," he sighed without turning around to see who it was. "When someone walks away, it usually means they want to be alone."

"I know," the person said and it surprised him a bit that it was Hotch who had come to check on him. "But I thought maybe you might want to talk."

"Why?" Spencer sighed, turning to face his boss. "What is there to talk about? You all know one of my secrets now. I'm sick and so far, I'm a terrible mother."

"Spencer, you're not a terrible mother," Hotch said firmly and Spencer didn't miss the way he easily used Spencer's chosen pronoun. "And we know you're you. We aren't going to treat you any differently just because you've hit a rough patch."

"I saw it in the way you all looked at me and the way Garcia spoke," Spencer snapped.

"What you saw," Hotch countered, "was our family feeling upset that its youngest member has been suffering. We know you'll be okay but we hate that we haven't been here to help."

Spencer sighed, anger fleeing him, and shoved his hands into his pants pockets. He stayed quiet for a moment, staring at the pavement near his feet. When he finally spoke, he didn't look back at Hotch. "I want to extend my leave to the full three months you can allow me."

Without hesitation, Hotch nodded. "Done. May I ask why?"

"Family leave is meant to allow the new parents time to settle in with a baby and bond with it. But our month is half over and everything feels like it has been so chaotic that I haven't had time to enjoy being a mother. I'm constantly afraid of being alone with my own daughter or letting her out of my sight. I want more time to let the anti-depressants do their job and then have time with Michaela as myself. And," he added, finally meeting Hotch's eyes. "I haven't been able to properly think about coming back or quitting. I thought I wanted to quit so there would be no risk of Michaela being orphaned if anything happened to Derek or I. But then the thought of any other job doesn't feel right to me. I need to get myself under control so I can think properly."

Hotch nodded his understanding. "I'll put in the paperwork to extend your leave. Morgan, too?"

Spencer shrugged and glanced back at the restaurant where he knew Derek still sat with the rest of their team. "If he wants. I'm not sure that he needs the same time away as I do."

"I can talk to him about it," Hotch offered. "Let him know what you've decided and offer him the choice to take the same time off or return."

Spencer nodded and turned back to his boss with a calm smile, the worry over making the decision about his job fading now that he knew he'd have the time to properly think it over. "Thanks, Hotch."

Hotch nodded and turned to go back toward the restaurant. "Are you ready to go back inside?"

Spencer hesitated for a second then nodded, deciding he did feel much better, and fell into step beside Hotch.

"So," Hotch said as they crossed the parking lot. "You chose to call yourself Michaela's mother instead of using a male pronoun?"

Spencer felt his cheeks flush and nodded. "Yes. I carried her and I gave birth to her. 'Mother' just feels most right."

Hotch nodded in understanding at that logic. "Then we'll make sure we address you correctly in relation to Michaela."

Spencer nodded, unable to help the smile caused by the pleasant fluttering in his chest. Their team knew he was having trouble adjusting to motherhood and that was okay. He would get better and, knowing their team knew, made Spencer feel calmer. It made him feel like he could reach out to them if he needed help now. And, Hotch at least, knew Spencer was going to use female pronouns and didn't seem affected by it. And no one had questioned his appearance which meant they likely had no idea he was wearing a carrier wrap which made him feel silly for having worried so much earlier. Everything felt okay for now.

He just couldn't rationalize away the worry about being away from Michaela and needed to call Fran to assure himself the baby was still okay.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know if a product like the carrier wrap exists in other authors' universes where men can have babies (I know there are omega-centric products in A/B/O fics but I haven't come across any for lactation) so I hope the product I came up with isn't too weird… It just kinda came to me one night and I thought it made sense to help with leaks when there is no bra to stuff tissues or something absorbent for leaking.

At this point, y'all know JJ's probably pregnant; some had asked if she was around the time she asked Reid to share his birth story. And because I'd said I'm trying to keep close to canon – even though I am probably nowhere near close – which means she should be around this time. So, in case anyone is seeing more hints in this chapter that she might be and may think I'm teasing at it because I'm unsure, fear not. I know if she is or is not and what I'm doing about it, haha. This just got so long that I couldn't do much more about that certain plot point in this chapter.