Chapter 52: Truth and Promises
AUTHOR NOTE: This is a NSFW Chapter
I don't think I've ever been more nervous than I am knocking on Fenris's door. It's already getting late, and I don't know how he's going to take me showing up unannounced like this. Breathe. Inhale. I knock.
He answers after a few minutes. He looks at me, then around behind me. "You came alone?" he asks.
"Well, Cat is with me, but yes. I wanted to talk to you," I say. "Hawke's not here?"
"She left a while ago. I had planned to come see you in the morning," he says. "I owe you an apology." He reaches for my hand; I back away shaking my head.
"I don't think it's a good idea for you to touch me right now," I tell him.
His expression falls, and I see the guilt there. "No, no, Fenris, I'm not scared of you. I didn't mean to...I know what happened was an accident. Maker, I'm making a mess of this. Can I come in?"
He frowns in confusion, but opens the door and allows me to enter. Cat materializes after he shuts the door behind us.
"Hello Cat," says Fenris. She smiles.
We're both quiet for a few seconds.
"Norah, I don't even begin to know how to apologize for what happened. I was so blinded by Danarius and my sister's betrayal...and then you were injured, by my hand. It was too much, and I'm sorry."
"I know you didn't mean for that to happen," I say. "It's like the tunnel was for me, I get it. I forgive you." I really want to comfort him right now, but I can't. Once he knows, he probably won't want me to touch him ever again. I gather my courage. "But there's something I need to show you."
I walk over by the fireplace to have better light. His expression is confused, but curious as I uncurl my fingers away from my palm and show him the scar. He pales, recognizing the pattern. "That's not possible. The markings have never done that before."
"No, this isn't your fault, it was mine. I didn't know I was doing it at the time, but apparently I can cast spirit magic by touch. Something about it didn't react well when you were using your markings," I say, and wait for his reaction.
"You were casting magic on me?" he says, wary. "What did you do?"
"I'm not really sure. I just knew I wanted to stop you from hurting your sister. I knew you would regret it, so I wanted to calm you, clear your head. I guess my magic read that intention and tried to pass it on to you."
"Fasta vass, mind control? That's blood magic," he says, and I hear the disgust in his voice.
"No, it isn't blood magic," says Cat. "It's something unique to Norah. A special gift I haven't seen in any other mage." Maybe I should have stopped home before heading here so she and I could have talked more about it.
"Trust me," I tell Fenris, "I wasn't happy when I realized what I had done. That's why it isn't a good idea to let me touch you. I think I may have been doing it for some time without realizing it."
Awareness dawns on him. "Then the reason I could sleep with you next to me, was..."
"My magic, yes, I'm pretty sure. I wanted to help you with the trauma and nightmares, and because I happened to be touching you at the time, the magic followed. Anders likened it to what I do when I sing. I think it's as good a comparison as any."
"Can you control it?" he asks, wary.
"Until today, I didn't even know I was doing it. So, probably not, at least not yet. It's only happened when I want to help someone. Like a healing spell, or a bard song."
Cat speaks up again, "I'd say it works similarly, giving a boost to mental resilience and will. It doesn't seem to have hurt anyone so far. Well, except for your hand, Norah."
"So far," he repeats, taking a step back from me.
"It's alright, I won't touch you if you don't want me to," I say, and I catch myself. That's what I had said when the despair demon was showing me the dream version of Fenris. Had it known more than I did? I look down at my hands. "I'm sorry, Fenris." I let my hands drop.
"So it...did it make me...want to touch you?" he asks haltingly. His awkward vulnerability in that statement makes me smile.
"No," I said, blushing. I can't look him in the eye. That's what he'd been worried about? "I'm pretty sure that's not the way it works."
"Oh." His expression is calmer, but he, too, seems embarrassed to have asked the question. He runs a hand through his hair. "And the same for you, it didn't make you want to..."
"No, that wasn't magic, that was just me."
"Right. So right now, my wanting to kiss you is my own idea," he says, and I see the warmth in his eyes as he gets closer.
I give him a small smile. "You're not scared of me?"
"Ask me that again tomorrow," he says, and finishing closing the distance between us, and brings his lips to mine. In that one split-second of contact, arousal spreads like wildfire, and the rightness of it tells me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
"Fenris," I sigh and kiss him back passionately, wrapping my arms around him. He steps backward, guiding me toward him, never breaking the kiss.
I'm a little startled when he leans backwards, but realize he's moved us to the large armchair and is now sitting on it. I glance back to check, but Cat isn't in the room anymore. Smart girl.
I grin, and pulling my skirts up around my thighs so as not to be in the way, and move to straddle his lap. Our lips meet again. Pulling back, I look at him, and he is gazing up at me with such tenderness I feel like my heart is going to break.
"I want you Norah, but I want you to be sure," he says. "I do not want you to regret this."
"I only have one regret, Fenris," I say, and smile when his expression goes serious. I finish by saying, "I regret not saying the words back to you that last night in Orlais."
He pulls my face down close to his. "You still haven't said it, you maddening woman."
"Haven't I?" I laugh, but then look at him. "With everything that happened, it took me a long time to understand just how important you've become to me. But today, when I found out about this new power, and thought you would hate me...I realized I can't bear the thought of a life without you. I love you, Fenris." I lean down and brush his lips with the mine in the lightest of touches. He responds in kind, giving me wonderful teasing kisses, telling me again how he feels without saying anything.
"Mmn, you're good at that," I murmur when we break away.
"Then perhaps I'll have to show you more things I'm good at," he states, and stands up, carrying me with his hands under my thighs. I cry out at the sudden movement and cling to his shoulders.
"No, I'm too heavy, put me down," I plead, nervous at the precarious position.
He laughs, and walks with me like that into the other room. "You've seen the sword I carry. I'm no weakling. You weigh no more than a feather, anyway."
He sits me down on the edge of the bed, and after another quick kiss, moves to remove his armor.
"Let me help," I request, going to him, eager to touch him again. We've done this part before, and it feels familiar. I help remove his armor, piece by piece. When we set the last piece aside, he looks at me, his eyes locking on mine. This is the same look he gets in the mornings. Trusting. Oh, Fenris.
I reach out and touch his face with my finger tips. He pulls me into an embrace and holds on as though he never wants to let me go. I savor the feeling of his emotion. Loosening his arms, he reaches for the laces of my dress. I lower my hands, and allow him to undress me. The gown drops to the floor and I'm left standing in my chemise. The room is warm enough, but I shiver in anticipation, bolstered by the memory of spending the night sleeping in his arms, the barest of touches, whispered promises left unanswered. In a moment of honesty with myself, I admit, I've wanted this for a long time.
I back up again, bumping into the bed. When I reach it, I recline and beckon for him to join me. "No more holding back," I say, sliding backwards.
"No more regrets," he says back, as he climbs onto the bed. He doesn't move over me, however, as I had expected, but leans down between my thighs. He kisses my knee, then my thigh, moving the hem of my chemise upward. He uses his mouth to trail gentle kisses along each new revealed area.
Reaching up under my hips, he slides my panties off in a smooth motion and I'm exposed to him. Bowing his head down again, he uses his mouth in a different way.
"Oh Maker," I cry, hands grabbing fists in the sheets next to me.
He chuckles, pulling away from me to mutter, "I don't think he can help you here." He returns to his attentions from before. I reach down with one hand to touch his silver hair, whimpers of pleasure coming from me.
"Fenris, yes," I call out, feeling the pressure building inside. The sensations he creates with his lapping motions radiate throughout my whole body. I moan. "I'm going to come."
He says nothing, but intensifies his efforts. I break, and shudder in his arms.
He stands back up to remove his breeches. I adjust my position, sitting again on the end of the bed, and lift the chemise up to my hips. By then he's back next to me, and helping me pull it over my head. I laugh at the sensation of it, but raise my arms and let him take it off me. When I'm free, Fenris meets my gaze. His eyes look downward at my naked flesh. We've held each other close before, but this is the first time he's seeing me.
"Beautiful," he says, his green eyes meeting mine once more.
I reach for the bottom of his tunic, wanting to be rid of his clothing, too, to feel his skin against my own. His tattoos are clearly visible now, and more beautiful than ever as his shirt rises. I let go and allow him to take over, as I'm transfixed by his lower body. I lean forward in my seated position, wrapping my arms around his waist, and plant a kiss on his stomach. He hisses at the unexpected contact.
I tilt my face upward to look at him. From this angle, his body looks so strong. I want to taste him. Sensing my intent, he stops me with a hand.
"Another time, Norah, I want you now," he says softly. I crawl backwards onto the bed, and he follows. Moving over top of me, he parts my legs with one knee then both. I raise my legs to give him a better angle, nodding my consent again to him.
His lips crash into mine again, hungry and fierce, and I feel the head of him part my folds. His hips pull back and he thrusts forward again, burying himself inside me. My mouth breaks away from his with a gasp.
"Yes, give yourself to me, Norah," he groans in my ear. I cry out with each long smooth motion, wrapping my legs around him, holding him prisoner.
"Don't stop," I plead, throwing my head back. He bends his head to my neck and I feel the gentle graze of teeth. Another demon vision similarity, but I'm beyond caring. I want him to dominate me the way he had in the vision, to take me. Thinking about what came next, I raise my arms up near my head, and he responds by pinning them down. The intensity is surprising, but I can't deny that I want this.
I make small pressured sounds of satisfaction as I near another climax. I look up and see my own passion mirrored in his eyes. Make me yours, I silently beg him. He picks up speed, his thrusts reaching all the way to my core. I mumble his name nearly incoherently as I reach another orgasm, a prolonged pulsing that seems to go on for eternity. He continues, joining me a few seconds later in his own release.
He lets go of my wrists, but doesn't move otherwise, our mingled breathing harsh in the silence of the room. Rolling away from me after a moment, he lays on his back in the dim light cast from the fireplace in the far room. I turn to my side and watch him.
Something is wrong, I think. His breathing seems to be calming a little, but he's staring up at the ceiling. I try saying his name. He doesn't respond, confirming my belief. Shit. I'm reminded again of the demon vision. I reach out to touch him. "Fenris?" I call again, hesitant. He moves then, flinching away from my hand.
"Ugh, you're stubborn when you're like this. Alright. If I can't touch you, then I still have one trick left up my sleeve. I'm here, Fenris, and I'm not leaving."
I start to hum. Quietly at first. Not the lullaby - I don't think I could bear to bring that memory into this place. No, this song is not really anything special, just a tune I remember from when I was young.
His breathing slows after a while, and he starts blinking more. I risk reaching out to touch him again, and he allows it this time. I hold his hand. Soon, he's turning to me, confused, but his eyes are clear again. I allow the song to stop.
"Are you alright?" I ask, concern in my voice.
"No, I...the memories. They came flooding back for a moment." He pulls his hand away from me. "You used magic again."
"Yes," I say. "You were lost, staring into nothing. I wanted to help you."
"Magic destroys all it touches." Ouch.
I pull my hand back into my lap and wait. Don't overreact, Norah. That's his trauma talking, not Fenris. He's still recovering from whatever he was going through just now. I sit up, and swing my legs over the far side of the bed. I reach my chemise and pull it back on. It's bad enough having this conversation, I don't need to feel more vulnerable by being naked.
"Norah," he says, and I look back. He's turned toward me, his expression worried. He reaches out for me. "I'm sorry, come back, please."
"I know, Fenris. I wasn't going anywhere, just giving you a little space."
"I don't want space, I want you here," he pleads, and opens his arms to me.
Sighing, I curl up next to him, comfortable again in my place under his arm, my own wrapped around his mid-section.
"Do you want to talk about it now?" I ask.
"I know much of what happened to me already, but seeing it is a cold reminder. Earlier today, none of it really mattered anymore. Norah, I didn't think I had anything left after what happened. I'd defeated my tormentor, I should have felt victorious, but it just felt empty. And after I saw you lying injured, I knew I had destroyed the one good thing I had left in my life. I felt so alone."
I give him a squeeze.
"Seeing you on my doorstep changed everything," he says. "I had already planned to go to you in the morning, to beg your forgiveness, promise you anything. And yet, here you were, wanting to be there for me, the one who did that to you."
"So what happened to you just now, after we...?"
"I could remember Minrathous. Being a slave. Danarius. I remembered his touch," he says.
"Oh. That I can understand. What can I do?" I ask.
"Just stay. Don't leave me."
"Why would I leave? I love you," I say. "You want me here, right?"
"More than anything."
"Then I'm happy. We'll work our way around the rest. So we're both a little broken, it doesn't have to be perfect. It's enough."
"It was perfect. You were perfect," he says, kissing the top of my head. I look at up at him, and we share a kiss.
"Can I stay the night?" I ask.
"I want you to stay every night," he comments quietly. I smile into his shoulder, and settle in for the night.