In case you haven't noticed, this fanfic is a load of corn. I rest my case.
Also the review section for this story has become my crack because you guys just have the best ideas and comments. I'm still new to the Sonic fandom but I already feel so welcomed!
Some of the YA romance tropes continue, though their obviousness may vary. Overall regardless of tropes being parodied, the SonAmy and ShadAmy get cornier and sillier from here.
Also per review-section request and me having yet another character to call a floof – we're getting a little Tails x Zooey on the side. Though as a side-effect of her character not having done much thus far I'm going to write her by improvising a lot.
Enjoy.
(EDIT: 12/22/17: If you're reading this, you might notice some nice additions to the chapter thanks in part to mass-editing. Enjoy the fic.)
Shadow transported them back in time, going back to the point where Sonic and Amy were walking back to her place only to find the door wide open. This time Shadow was waiting for them at the front door, head resting on the door frame while the smell of steak wafted about the house and even stretched to the outside, greeting Amy as she ran to Shadow and 'booped' him in the face with her hammer, giving him a nice bruise.
"That's what you get for wrecking my house in a previous timeline!" She sighed. "Granted I still don't get why you went through the trouble of breaking and entering to get my attention... But that steak did taste really great last time..." She turned away and blushed slightly, not wanting to endorse his behavior but not being able to deny when food was good.
"Amy, he still broke into your house and damaged the roof! It's your house, kick him out!" Sonic shouted, defensive of (what was in his mind) his woman.
"Well thanks to ass-pull on the part of the writers, I can still manipulate time without a chaos emerald. So your welcome for fixing up the place." Shadow muttered. "Also what'd you use in the rose vodka?"
"Pesticide-free rose petals, water, vodka and lots of love. What else would I use?" Amy asked, putting her hammer away.
"It's surprisingly strong, meaning I'm probably going to end up with two timelines worth of hangovers." Though it did honestly serve him right.
"Well, if you're still devoted to the idea of just having dinner, I guess it would be okay but-."
"HE BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE!" Sonic kindly repeated.
"With good intentions." Shadow kindly pointed out.
Amy just wanted to hammer them both into dirt and eat dinner by herself but instead – perhaps due to hormones or just being the heart of the group regardless of season - felt the need to settle things diplomatically (with or without a hammer).
"Alright, since neither of you are going to shut up and get along I'm just going to go back inside, eat dinner by myself and then cry myself to sleep at night with a life-size plushie in my arms."
She pushed Shadow aside, strong enough to do it and without much resistance he didn't put up a fight or try stroking her quills without consent, just letting her go inside, shutting the door and presumably eat more steak by herself.
The black hedgehog shook his head. "Well this isn't going well what so ever."
"Well it is YOUR FAULT! You had literally no reason to show up here again."
"I DID. But nothing seems to be going according to plan. The universe is just making a fool out of me! What aspect of my character is that funny?"
"Look I don't know. But you still ruined my chances with Amy."
"And I can say the same to you, you blue waffle."
Sonic shook his head. "Just get off of this island already. I'm sick of looking at you and your emo color-scheme. I mean seriously? Red and black? Quit trying to have so many edges!" He started walking toward town when Shadow teleported in front of him to kick him in the face.
"That's for the emo joke. Being emo isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some people are into that." Shadow smirked. "And you're one to talk about being emo: look at you walking away. You're already giving up and handing Amy over to me? You just want to lose to me, don't you? You're unable to admit you're an inferior being!"
Sonic, just fed up with dealing with this emo hedgehog simply walked away, being taunted as he walked off. For some reason Shadow seemed to think that just sitting around and waiting for Amy to come out would be a good idea...
But Sonic knew her better...
She'd want to be wooed...
Girls liked romance and all that mushy and typically uncool stuff. Amy wasn't much different save for the fact she and Sonic had history together since the Classic era. He used to be so fat back then too...
Meanwhile Tails was at Meh Burger, trying to forget everything he had experienced that day and just trying to eat a meh lunch. As usual the eternally depressed nurtia known as Dave the Intern claimed to be on his break while Tails stood by the counter, waiting for his order to be taken seriously. This island really needed more life to it...
Then he was tapped on the shoulder, jumping in surprise and both tails puffing up like a Halloween cat. It was Zooey...
"Um... Hi." She seemed happy and relatively normal.
But Tails was not his normal self. He was annoyed, he was embarrassed and partially traumatized and just wanted a burger that wasn't even made of real beef. "Um... Hi... Did you need anything?"
"I just noticed you looked upset was all. If you want, I have some extra food so do you wanna eat together?"
"You have no idea how happy I am to here you say that." Of course the dog happily obliged, going to her table and eating the burger and fries she hadn't finished at an animalistic pace.
"You seem upset about something..." Zooey said, sipping a soda and tail swishing about.
"I've just had a stressful day. First Sonic starts acting weird, the Knuckles and Sticks act weird. Then I end up learning about things that I don't even know if I'm ready to really learn. Like I don't know whether or not the information will even stick in my head but I don't know if I wanna know it anyway!" He put some extra ketchup on his half-eaten burger. "You ever get that way?"
"I guess... It's normal to be uncomfortable with things. It's just apart of living. We learn stuff and some of it is weird." She put her drink on the table. "Like last night I read this Fuzzy Puppies fan fiction that went into really weird territory."
Tails paused, looking at Zooey distraught. Not only had he never played Fuzzy Puppies but he wondered what sort of 'weird' she meant.
"Okay, so there's this part of the community in the Fuzzy Puppies fandom that write the fan fics about wanting to breed the puppies to make new puppies. Those in the know call them 'breeders'. I mean, it's kind of cool but at the same time some people take it to weird places. Like you know what I mean? Like a yorkiepoo would be an adorable dog breed but then there are the people who get REALLY into it!" She went on and on about this Fuzzy Puppies game and this fan community surrounding it. On the one hand it disturbed Tails but on the other it didn't sound too far off from his own horrifying discoveries earlier that day.
"I think I know what you mean. That stuff is weird. I'm trying not to think about it that much." Tails ate the rest of his burger, getting ketchup on his muzzle.
"You have ketchup on your face." Zooey grabbed a napkin, pressing it against Tails' muzzle.
"Y-you don't have to. I mean I'm fine. I can take care of myself." Needless to say it did make Tails happy. "So, um... what other games have you been playing lately? Aside from Fuzzy Puppies of course!"
"I've been playing a few RPGs and party games. You?"
"I dabble in games on occasion. But lately I've been working on my plane, computer maintenance... That sort of thing. Lately the hardware is what I'm focusing on more than the software." For a moment Tails thought he saw something royal blue in the distance, but returned his attention back to Zooey when she said how cool it was that he knew so much about technology.
Sonic – who'd been solemnly walking to Meh Burger – was now hiding behind a tree after spotting Tails with Zooey. While he was jealous that someone younger than him – his very protege – with his head still on his shoulders and a bit of common sense when it came to girls he was also proud of the little guy. While he did come to Meh Burger intent on buying a burger just watching Tails and Zooey bond was heart warming enough and he wanted to stay hidden so he wouldn't be noticed. He wouldn't want to ruin his chances...
One day Tails would understand. Today, some other day, some other continuity – he'd get it eventually. But for now he was better off enjoying the more innocent aspects of trying to mate.
But when he thought about it like that, he started feeling pathetic...
Tails – without even trying – already had his act together and while Sonic didn't know much about Zooey, he could see them making a cute pair and mating for life (of course he hadn't told Tails that he researched fox mating habits years ago for fear of freaking the kid out, but looked them up anyway to better help him should he ever need it).
He backed away, speeding off into the woods without Tails even noticing him...
And once he was far enough away from town he slumped over under a tree, feeling stupid and overwhelmed. The only way he managed to beat Shadow last time was because Eggman blinded him with the flash on a camera while taking a selfie... He wasn't strong enough to stop him on his own without Shadow having a handicap...
The only thing he had was that he knew Amy longer. It wouldn't help him in a normal battle but in terms of survival of the fittest... Well... Sometimes even those with weak genes could manage to reproduce when you played the sympathy or friendship cards.
Even if actually going through with such a thing and retiring from battle for however long to play cool-dad to a bunch of hoglets wasn't the best idea, that wasn't what mattered. It was Amy that mattered...
And Shadow wasn't going to take Amy away from him. He wouldn't allow it, hormones aside.
"Alright. Just need to think of what Amy would do or what she would want." He pondered it for a bit before hearing the grass ruffling behind him and fragments of a muffled conversation. "WHO'S THERE?!"
"Oh for the love of..." Sticks popped out of the grass, a burlap sack on her back. "Oh. It's just you. Why aren't you bumping uglies with Amy?"
"Well that's a little forward and nosey..." Sonic muffled, hiding his now red face with his neck scarf. "Look, some other hedgehog got in my way and I'm trying to think of how to gain the upper hand again."
The badger didn't really care. "Whatever, you continue fighting, I need to hide this body." Sticks starting digging into the ground with her bare hands, tail in the air as she dug deeper and deeper to make a bigger hole that would hide the sack.
And then the neck scarf fell... "HIDING A BODY?!" Fearing for his own safety Sonic opened the burlap sack only to find Knuckles passed out inside.
"He got too clingy... Far too attached and crazy. He kept insisting on followin' me places. I told him he was dumber than a sack of potatas... So I clobbered him and put him in a sack of potatas!" She explained in a cheerful tone of voice.
But seeing Knuckle's chest rise and fall indicated he was just knocked out and sleeping it off – thankfully not dead. "What made him act that way? And why did you think trying to murder him and bury him alive was a good idea?!"
"If he keeps following me around he'll only make me easier for the aliens to find... He's a liability! The aliens could brainwash him and have him follow me around would be normal and I'd be off-guard!" Sticks shouted. "But besides that I ain't interested in a creepy echidna who refuses to take no for an answer-."
"WHOA." Sonic assumed the worst, thinking Sticks was making up all this alien mumbo jumbo to cope with something much more awful in nature. "This show has a rating, we need to maintain it."
"No, no, no, not like that. He was just being a moron. He dragged me to Tail's place and didn't put me down. After that a couple kicks to the stomach subdued the beast..." Sticks popped her head out of a freshly dug hole deep enough to the echidna's body. "But I still ain't havin' him follow me around even if he does say he wants to get smarter. I mean it'd be great to have someone who's prepared for taking out the old woman who secretly lives in your house but that takes a special kind of person... He ain't that special OR smart!"
"You still knocked him out cold and you were planning on burying him alive..."
"In my defense: I was an innocent badger girl – a simple sow – just trying to make her life go back to normal and suddenly this total creep insists on following me everywhere after I clearly state that I'm not interested!" She got out of the hole. "Think about my needs! Think about anyone else having to deal with that level of stupidity!"
"Point." Sonic shook his head. "Alright, well I'm not going to let you bury Knuckles alive and whatever grudge you have against him is between the two of you. But I could really use some help..."
"So you need help getting back into Amy's good graces."
"AND I need to get rid of Shadow."
Sticks' eyes widened. "Shadow's back? For real?"
"Yeah... what with the season and all that..." Sonic looked away. "Bit my quills too..."
Sticks whimpered "And you worried about me bein' violated! You know what I mean 'violated'?"
"YES, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! That doesn't make the pain go away." Sonic tried to brush his hand over a quill that was no longer there, which pissed him off. "Look, just give me some ideas to work with. Tell me what you think Amy would like!"
Sticks – temporary team leader, designated sex-educator and now relationship guru had to think on this one. "Well, you're obviously crazy for each other but you're chickening out and lettin' Shadsy take the lead. Granted he ain't gettin' anywhere with Amy cuz she's too floaty and concerned about sea urchins to really care."
"I got to second base..."
"YOU BIT HER QUILLS?!"
"Eyup..."
Sticks internally panicked for two completely different reasons. One was because Amy was no longer as floaty as she had been that morning – indicating that holy crow this was actually happening - and the second was because they'd reached second base but somehow no further, meaning she'd be stuck in this endless cycle of shenanigans until who knows when. She shook her head.
"Well first off, congratulations... But second-off, the two of yous need to get it over with already! This insanity has gone on long enough!" She grabbed the hedgehog by the shoulders. "You need to get over this dilemma, get what you gotta do done and get out."
"I can't do anything with another hog in my way."
"Well." Said Knuckles, popping out of the sack and suddenly in between the two with a hand on each of their backs. "Having an obstacle that always gets in your way sounds a little like Eggman to me!"
Sticks stared at him with cold, dead eyes... "Knuckles get back in the bag or-."
Sonic interrupted her murderous thoughts and threats. "Actually what he's saying isn't far off. Egghead's a total fanboy for Shadow! What if one of you gets a hold of Eggman, tell him Shadow is here and that can get him out of Amy's quills?"
"I'm open to trying anything as long as we get this schlock over with." Sticks shot a glare at the audience and especially the writer, wanting to stuff them in the same hole as Knuckles. Then she looked back at Sonic "You're not yourself when you cant bump uglies."
"Again: we have a rating!"
"Fine. We go get Tails and tell him to get Eggman for us-!" Sticks ordered but was rudely interrupted.
"Actually no, don't tell Tails... He's busy..." Sonic intervened. "He's busy with some stuff and needs his privacy. I mean, he told me so cuz we're bros like that ya know! So just leave him alone. We clear?"
"Is Tails doing okay?" Knuckles asked.
"He's perfectly fine. Just leave him alone. And before you ask again – YES – I'm sure." Being a cool big brother figure was mandatory at times like these. "Tails is my bro. I know what's in his best interest."
Knuckles pouted a bit "I thought we were bros."
"It's different. Me and Tails go back. I mean if not for Tails I can't stand on the backs of airplanes looking cool while he does the hard work. Things like that make things between me and Tails run pretty deep. So don't mess with him. Got it?"
Sticks simply stood silent and took a mental note of this change in behavior.
"Alright, while you guys do that I'm going to rack my brain some more on some internal conflict. And make sure you get Eggman to Amy's place immediately!" Then he ran off.
Tails on the other hand was reading fan fiction with Zooey on her laptop, mooching off of the free wi-fi at Meh Burger. She had somehow convinced him to read a few fluff fanfics with her even though he was completely unfamiliar with the fandoms she was apart of. They sat next to each other reading the male and female characters' parts and giggling along the way with their tails intertwined.
Zooey was laughing but trying to hush herself. "The comic relief in this one is so weird... but it kind of works, if you get imaginative with it." Then she read the character's line: "What's your poison?"
Tails then cleared his throat to attempt doing a robotic sounding voice. "NAPALM. PUT IT IN A BARREL AND SHAKE IT WELL."
Zooey found herself covering her mouth to avoid being too loud, finding Tails' robot voices hilarious. Barely managing to stop the laughter she read another line: "I'm a bartender, not an arms dealer."
Again in a robot's voice: "POINT TAKEN. YOU ARE A BAT GIRL WITH TOO MUCH TIME AND NOT ENOUGH WHIT."
The vixen cleared her throat with a cough, reading the bit of narration that followed. Between laughter, rushing through it just to hear Tails read the next line.
"ETHYL. CHILLED. NO ICE." And noticing how she could barely contain herself at impressions Tails read the next line: "the robot's request was closer to rubbing alcohol or disinfectants found in hospitals than at a bar's drink menu.
After a cough or two Zooey took a deep breath and read another line in her attempt at a robot's voice: "I WOULD LIKE TO COMPLAIN TO THE MANAGER ABOUT SERVICE QUALITY!"
Tails got a slight giggle out of it, just enjoying the time they were spending together. He was enjoying himself just taking it easy. Zooey was nice to him. He was nice to her in return. They were just cool like that.
"This is fun but you wanna do anything else?" Tails asked, admittedly a little bored of reading fanfics with Zooey and thinking of going somewhere more private. "You wanna head to my workshop maybe? I mean the internet's better there so maybe we could play some games?"
"Would you be interested in learning how to play Fuzzy Puppies?"
He wasn't. "I'd love to."
And off they went.
Chapter 9 end
That Fuzzy Puppies thing was entirely improv on my end. You can interpret it however you want but the way I thought about it was like learning (or attempting to teach yourself) sex-ed through fan fiction or discovering a fetish through fan fiction. I don't think it's far-fetched to say many of us might've been in that boat once...
Also if you're wondering what a yorkiepoo is: it's a mix between a yorkshire terrier and a poodle. For a very brief period of time my little cousins had one and the first day they got her, I picked that ball of floof up and it slept in my room that same evening. She was a very hyper dog and grew super big in a matter of DAYS, not sure if that would be common in the breed or if it was just that one dog's personality and genetics. I'm much more familiar with the chihuahua breed myself. Chihuahuas and other fox/wolf like dogs seem to be a running motif in my life. I will forever miss my own little dog mom – a beautiful and spicy little chihuahua who was my little pal for 13 years.
...
Boy I made this sad... I apologize...
...
Animal trivia:
Now we get some fox mating trivia!
A small fact that got a giggle out of me: male foxes are called dogs while female foxes are called vixens. I just got a giggle out of that because 'vixen' can also be used to describe a sexy (human) woman. I know we call female domesticated dogs 'bitches' already, but 'vixen' is another word that can have an empowering and/or insulting sexual connotation when applied to humans. On the other hand, when you call a human male a "dog" it's used as an insult to say he either gets around a lot or he's just not good long-term relationship material.
IRONIC because: Foxes are also romantic little creatures that are monogamous and mate for life. They'll form pairs and they tend to stay in those pairs and raise pups together. In that respect I see why pairing Tails with Zooey has become a thing, though I'm always going to have a weakness for Tails and Cream (one fox and bunny pairing that predates Zootopia).
Funny trivia:
So the part about Zooey and Tails reading fanfics together was loosely based on when my boyfriend read a fanfic from when he was in middle school to me over Discord voice chat. He read it in his Sonic voice which just made me laugh. The fanfic was called "Give it a Chance" and it's a SonAmy fanfic. He recommended I read it but I haven't touched it since he read it to me. The fanfic that Tails and Zooey are narrating is actually very loosely adapted from a Shadouge fanfic I came across out of a fit of curiosity called "Push and Pull".