Here I am in your face
Telling truths and not your old lies
Seems to me that you care
And I know that your running out of time
See ya can't get away
I'll be here forever and again
Whispering in your ear
Do you believe 'cause you know you cannot win
Ahh, our biggest enemy.
God, I hate my biggest enemy.
My enemy holds me back from my own needs and wants.
She is cunning.
She's pretty.
Smart.
Fun.
Level-headed.
"Diva-like."
People put her pedestal and they like her better.
She lies too.
Justifies things, and calls it what it is.
My enemy?
My enemy is me.
April Kepner is my enemy.
Here is a reflection of what I think my life is. Is it crazy that I have that? A self-evaluation of sorts that I have bestowed upon myself? What I can do to face myself...? I don't know. Whatever. It is what it is, but here is what I have applied to myself in everyday life, my desires and what not.
Appreciate yourself: I live to make my life so...difficult without really considering the consequences of my actions. I guess I never truly appreciated myself until I almost lost the one important thing in my life, so to truly understand that statement now, is pretty mind blowing and fucking beautiful.
Attract people with your confidence: See, it was always for me to attract people because it is a bit easier to get what I want and just forget about all my past experiences that hurt. Confidence is something I can exude because it's a shield. It's the best shield that worked in my favor because being emotionally attached to someone after last time scarred me in ways that I never thought was possible. Confidence was a must I my life, but now I can only be confident with practically because I want to be someone's equal. I never want to try so hard to be liked or put on a high pedestal by anyone, and it makes me wonder if my standards can be too high.
Education: Well it would've been awesome to be classmates with someone for…well, basically forever, but as the quote says, "You can't always get what you want." I guess I should start off with something that I admire about smart people. It would be so beautiful to me to meet a person that knows about so much, but honest enough to say that they don't know everything. I would also appreciate that this person doesn't brag about what they know or claim to know it all, which a lot of people fail to practice. Someone who's well-educated, that's always caught up in what is happening in our broken society, is something that I desperately crave.
Overall….Nope. I should make my thoughts on educated a lot better than this.
Maybe a list would work, don't you think?
An educated person has the ability to think clearly and independently.
An educated person has good judgment.
An educated person knows how to learn.
An educated person knows how to acquire desired skills by identifying and utilizing available resources, deconstructing the process required for learning a particular skill, and experimenting with potential approaches.
An educated person has the ability to take initiative and work alone.
An educated person has the ability to communicate thoughts and ideas in writing, clearly and concisely.
An educated person has the ability to speak clearly.
An educated person has the ability to reason analytically and critically.
An educated person has the ability to think inductively and deductively.
An educated person questions assumptions.
An educated person doesn't blindly accept what they are told; they go see for themselves. They can discern truth from error, regardless of the source.
An educated person knows how to distinguish between relevant and irrelevant information (between the important and the trivial).
An educated person knows how to make productive use of knowledge; they know where to get the knowledge that they need, and they have the ability to organize that knowledge into a plan of action that is directed to a definite end.
An educated person understands human nature and has the ability to establish, maintain, and improve lasting relationships.
An educated person knows how to establish rapport with others; they know how get others to trust and respect them.
An educated person knows how to cooperate and collaborate effectively with others.
An educated person knows how to resolve conflicts with others.
An educated person knows how to persuade others.
An educated person has the ability to conceptualize and solve problems.
An educated person knows how to make decisions.
An educated person has the ability to see connections among disciplines, ideas and cultures.
An educated person is able to cross disciplinary boundaries and explore problems and their solutions from multiple perspectives.
An educated person is someone who has been educated holistically: creatively, culturally, spiritually, morally, physically, technologically, and intellectually.
An educated person has a broad liberal-arts education. They have a good overview of the following subjects: the natural sciences; the social sciences; history; geography; literature; philosophy; and theology.
An educated person has depth of knowledge—that is, specialized knowledge–in a particular field.
I could go on and on, but I have a confession to make. While all the things that I've talked about is about what I would crave, I suffer from self-doubt. It is not a fun thing to conquer at all. To be perfectly honest with you, there are demons that I face everyday that are somewhat opposite from what I've told you.
Living in the Present? It is tricky when you are depressed because there are times where I just want to disappear from my environment and just go to another environment where no one knows who I am or what I plan to do. Most of the time, my feelings of self-doubt are attached to bad memories in the past when you failed to achieve something or when somebody else told me that I just wasn't good enough, fat, stupid, so on and so forth. People would always say, "Don't dwell on those moments. Try to ground yourself and think about the now." I think it's hard because I have to live with those scars because it damaged me in ways that no one will ever understand.
Trust in yourself? Puh-lease. While it is true that sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, I think your own enemy pushes yourself to limits that you never thought was possible. The worst thing to say to yourself or to someone else is: "If you tell yourself that you cannot do something, then you probably won't even try it in the first place." I have learned that you need to faith in yourself, tell yourself that you are just as capable as the next person of achieving your dreams, and stop listening to the voice inside that keeps saying "I can't." As Norman Vincent Peale famously said, "What the mind can conceive and believe, and the heart desire, you can achieve." Honestly, I think he's right.
Counteract the negative... I have to be straightforward with this one. At times it may seem as though the negative voices in my head are stronger than the positive voices. I feel as if that is one reason why I pretend to spent most of life pretending not to be. It's the way that society treats us, if you really think about it The one part of myself that I let choose to let people see, survive in my fictitious world. I often wonder, "Does what they think of you determine your worth? If special's what you feel when you're with them. Taken away you feel 'less than' again?" It is a negative that I constantly live in, which is a trap, and it is not the best place to be. When I feel a negative thought coming on, I simply remind myself about the things I LOVE about myself and accentuate all of my strengths. It also helps to think of the things I have achieved in my life that I am extremely proud of.
It's a fucking personal everyday job, that never ends, but the logic of dealing with yourself in simple terms?
You gotta mean what you say
You gotta say what you mean
Tryin' to please everyone
Sacrifice your own needs
Check in the mirror my friend
No lies will be told then
Pointin the finger again
You can't blame nobody but you
Hell of a concept, isn't it? And maybe I should have said "Me" instead of "You."
Oh well. It can't stay in my e-c-n-e-i-c-s-n-o-c.