My needs? They're quite simple really.
"One of the biggest differences between you and your husband is the fact that he experiences sex as a legitimate physical need. Just as your body tells you when you're hungry, thirsty, or tired, your husband's body tells him when he needs a sexual release. Your husband's sexual desire is impacted by what's around him but is determined by biological factors, specifically the presence of testosterone in his body." Well, DUH! What the fuck is this, simple science or a Psychology course?
Just like everyone else, we all have a need that we all want to have fulfilled. Sex is one of them, and I definitely want to make sure that I mention that first. Now don't get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next person, or like the famous characters of the shows that were around in my lifetime such as Blanche Devereaux from The Golden Girls or Dan Fielding from Night Court, but I need so much more than sex. I have a few needs, just like everyone else, and I am happy to admit that.
Sexually, I would want someone who would make me lose my mind in bed. Probably break the bed, destroy a pierce of furniture, tie me up, so on and so forth. It is something that I love when I am fulfilling my sexual needs. I-I don't want normal, and easy, and simple. I want... God this is going to sound bad, but I don't care. I want need painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Wouldn't you want that, too?
If I were to say something to that one guy I bumped into after that fucking college party, I would probably say something like this.
I need you
Like the flowers need the rain
I need you
Like the blues needs the pain
I need you
Like the stars need the night
I need you
Like the waves need the sea
It's not a cry for desperation. Ok, maybe it it, but why the fuck should you give a damn about it? It's my life, filled with my decisions and bad mistakes. Anything that I do in my life stems from my own mind, and I am the one in control. I might be a complete bitch for saying that, but I would rather be honest instead of being- what was the phrase?- "A criminal, a whore, an idiot and a liar."
I need for the guys to understand women like me. Let me give you a few examples.
1: To Feel Loved
When women feel loved, they relax and open to men. The arguments dissipate, the sex is abundant, and their nurturing feminine energy flows throughout our lives.
If she is unhappy that you are going out with your friends, or she's upset about her day at work, or she is only responding to you with brief snippets of sentences, then the cause is most likely her not feeling loved enough.
Learn to see through her words, actions, and moods and see what the real root of it is.
It isn't that hard, but men are clueless.
2: To Be Appreciated
The feminine in all people responds primarily to praise and appreciation.
Remind your partner that you love her. Tell her that you appreciate what she brings to your life. Show her how much she means to you.
The fastest way to run your relationship into the ground is by ignoring your partner and taking her for granted. Appreciation is the opposite of those things. Appreciation is the embodying this mindset: "I am aware of what you bring to my life, and I want you to be sure that I am aware of it as well."
So tell her what you appreciate, and tell her often.
In other words men, just like TLC's song, No Scrubs, don't be a scrub. If you are a guy with no job, hanging from the passengers side of your best friend's ride, hollering at women, you will be alone for the rest of your life.
Now, if I were a man, with need of his own, I wouldn't know where to start because unlike women, they are a challenge. Some of them are so stupid but let's run through the list.
1: Praise And Approval
Men have infamously tender egos. Don't deny that statement. A friend of mine one said: "We need frequent reassurance about ourselves, our career paths, our efficacy as partners, our sexual prowess, and our attractiveness (among other things)." Ugh, that is so stupid only because men will do whatever they want.
I will say though, I don't mind praising a man at all, if and only if, he doesn't ask or demand it from me. The positive in my opinion on the statement is this: the more you praise his positives, the more you will see them.
2: Emotional Intimacy
From a very young age, it has always been said that men are taught to avoid appearing weak at all costs. Perceived "weakness" includes things like complaining, divulging fears or concerns, and expressing self-doubt or worry. But what does that mean exactly? Is someone the prey or the predator for men? That confuses me. I always thought that a man's partner is his safe space to fall. He can expose the cracks in his armor and allow his partner to help him heal. I mean, it's like war paint if I you sit and think about it. I mean, aren't you supposed to take off your mask/clothes to show me your scars and pain, and I do the same? I want to know the thing s that you are trying to hide, but I feel as though it is hard. Just as women need to slowly open up sexually within a relationship, men open up over time emotionally. It's like navigating that Triwizard Tournament and facing Voldemort in the graveyard from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: no easy task.
He needs to make sure that when he first cries in front of you, you won't be repelled or handle it poorly. If you push him away or are unable to be nurturing when he needs it the most, he will no longer trust you with his emotions. He will remove himself somewhat from the relationship.
In this instance, both partners lose- he goes on silently suffering and believing that he is flawed in his imperfection, and she is held at arm's length emotionally.
3: Space
I cannot express this one enough! I learned this one the hard way, and I haven't dated a lot. I even lost some awesome guy friends because of this. I have learned that suffocating a man is the fastest way to end a relationship. Men need breathing room in a relationship. We need time for our hobbies, time with our friends, and time to toil away on our projects to feel fulfilled. I wish there was a course on this in high school instead of that damn useless stage tech class.
Some clues that he wants some space would be: falling of the grid, making his own plans, feeding you bullshit, lack of availability, agreements, taking breaks, canceling plans, never making plans with you at all, distancing himself from you and lastly, his brutal honesty. It's a lot of shit to put up with, but if you can't get that, then I feel sorry for you.
For all of our needs the shape us as men and women, there are some qualities that both men and women truly need and desire.
1: Physical Touch/Desire
Men and women need frequent non-sexual touch as well as a sense of sexual access.
If a man's partner comes up behind him and touches his neck and hair in a loving way while he sits absorbed in a task, he could feel just as loved as if they had just had penetrative sex (even more so, depending on his mood). For a woman, women need to feel sexually desired. They want to make sure that you see and appreciate them as a feminine, sexual being.
Praise her body. Feel her and grab her appreciatively. Remind her that you see her as a sexual being and you will both benefit. For a man, this touch is interpreted as physical love- the message of which registering as "I love you, and I want you to feel happy all the time. Know that I'm always here for you and I care for you deeply."
Simple, yet complex.
2: Security
Men and women are both attracted to certainty in a relationship. The more a man feels like his partner is in it for the long haul, the more ready and able he is to be able to open up to her, assuming he is equally invested in her. What an interesting concept that not everyone my opinion, security goes deeper than just the fact that you won't leave him or her. The security that both parties feel, always ties back in to several of these points. He or she, (mostly him) feels secure in knowing that you approve of him and where he is in his career. He feels secure and loved when you touch him non-sexually throughout the day. He feels secure when he is allowed to have his guys' nights away from you and you don't feel the need to call or text him every half hour to check in.
For women, we want you to know that we can handle ourselves when life happens. With that being said, we women want you to know that you won't run and hide in our time of need when we get a bit 'too emotional' for your liking. With all that being said, we have to know that you can count on us, just as I can count on you. We all have to feel secure with a partner who takes steps to love whoever we are with in the way that they most need each other.
Overall...
It's a give and take, but however you view it, everything that we crave is a need. Whether is sexual or just plain tamed, we all have a need to not only be special, we have needs that surpass sex. Call me crazy for thinking that way, but it's the reality that we live in, even in this wretched fictitious world.
Oh, life.