There are times
When I look above
And beyond
There are times when I feel your love
Around me baby
I'll never forget my baby
I'll never forget you

Every time I hear those words, I think about the most important parts of life.

Birth.

Crawling.

Talking.

Walking.

Learning.

Meetings.

Conversations.

Laughter.

Bonding.

Life-experiences.

Happiness.

Everything in-between.

In sickness and in health.

Death.

Those are the words that go through my mind when I think of...well, pretty much everything and everyone. Think about it, life has no guarantees at all, so what we do with our own life is all up to us. It has it's ups and downs, but that's just how it is. It's so sad, but there's something that is truly inevitable.

Now, even though there are many different things to grieve over, but I'd rather talk about the one thing that makes sense to me at the moment.

Death, the inevitable end of our lives.

I think we should work some psychology into this.

1: Denial - "This can't be happening to me."

2: Anger - "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"

3: Bargaining - "Make this not happen, and in return I will ..."

4: Depression - "I'm too sad to do anything."

5: Acceptance - "I'm at peace with what happened."

That's all the psychology that makes sense when we deal with death.

It is true in everything that happens, particualarly when something bad has happened, especially when some in mourning one's death.

Trust me, I know. Man, it's been so hard to keep living after what went down.

My best friend was killed in a senseless car accident caused by a drunk-driver. I can't believe that Reed is gone. It's still so hard to believe that she's gone. Reed...let me tell you about her. Reed is was one of those people that you'd want to have as a friend. She would travel down the road and back again anytime that you needed a friend. Her heart was always true, plus he was my pal and my conifidant. Reed would throw a party, and invite eveyone we knew. I could see the biggest gift would be from her, but guess what made me smile the most? The card attatched would always end with the words 'Thank You For Being A Friend.'

It's been 3 days since I've slept, 5 days since my last meal...it's so much. It hasn't even been too long, but it's hard knowing that the one person I was close to is now dead. Just because of a man who had way too much to drink, driving erratically at 11:30 at night. He drove on the wrong side of the road, ran into my friend's car, head-on, wrapped his car on a light post, while my best friend was instantly dead from the impact, car totaled. I want to forgive him, but Ihate him so bad. I hate him for living and escaping without a scratch. I hate him for being able to walk away, returning to his friends and family while my best friend can never return.

It hurts.

One of my friends from back home, Andrew, is also feeling how I'm feeling as well. See, a cousin of his was brutally raped by someone she married, several times. That's not even the worst part. The first time resulted in her being pregnant with fraternal twins for him. The second time, he gave her Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome, more commonly known as AIDS. My understanding of the situation was that he was dating his mistress at the time when his wife had been out of state, attending her widowed father's funeral. We thought very highly of her at the time, being able to go to school, take care of her little boy and girl, and running her own magazine firm. Poor Leah. She was a cool person to hang out with. Little did Leah know, her husband had been very promiscuous and that he had HIV.

Man looking back at her story, I thought that I was invincible, and have it all when I would be in a secure place to have a family of my own. Now that I know what even those around you can fuck you over, it turns out that I was dead wrong. It's impossible to imagine that 5 years later, that someone would be lying in a hospital bed, quarantined, with pneumocystis pneumonia and a few years to live. Youth, is not immortality at all my friends. Youth is the power to make all different kinds of choices. Now that she's gone, I ask one thing to ask of you, and that is to always choose life, live responsibly and to make wise decisions.

I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to grieve at all. Experiencing loss is sadly a part of human life, however, when you find a way to cope with it, life becomes a little bit easier to handle once you've readjusted to it. Here are some of the things that I've learned that I try to keep in mind.

1. Acknowledge your pain.

2. Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.

3. Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.

4. Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.

5. Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.

6. Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

Some of the opinions that I've heard about grief baffles the hell out of me, but that's what they are - opinions. Take my therapist. She gave me some bullshit about dealing with grief, which made no damn sense to me at all. It really pissed me off.

"Grief should last about a year."

"Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss."

"If you don't cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss."

Fuck those myths in the ass. Why should one tell me about grief when grief affects people differently?

I for one, would love to see her take her own damn advice.

At least she could have told me some useful shit about emotional grief. Thank God for the internet for this one. This is what I read about emotional symptoms of grief, and it seems so...applicable.

Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they're gone.

Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn't say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.

Anger – Even if the loss was nobody's fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

That would've helped me a lot, because this seems like something that I can use for the future.

Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin' back at me
Dancin in moonlight
I know you are free
Cuz I can see your star
Shinin' down on me

Together again, ooh
Good times we'll share again
Together again, ooh
Makes me wanna dance
Together again, ooh
Say it loud and proud
Together again, ooh
All my love's for you

You know what? I can go, on and on about this topic, but I won't because this is really making me more sad and angry about losing my best friend. I am just happy that…No. I won't even start up with that at the moment. I think that I will just end with something that is very personal to me.

Dear Reed,

Thank you so much for being there for me, boo. Well, I can honestly say that we've all learned a lot from each other. I mean, you taught me life does not have to be boring because you've surpassed the age of 21. I taught you that you can become much more comfortable with embracing sexuality because we aren't little girls. We taught each other that a square knot can be handy when someone is annoying the hell out of us. Thank you for reminding me that when I sleep with the next man I date who comes into my life, I will not be alone.

There's this phantom of you there, and you know the haunts of my prior relationships, and, well, I-I can't pretend you're not a part of me. It's been my great privilege to be your friend as an adult. To spend our wild, crazy, years with you. And that self-confidence, Reed, is the greatest gift that you could have ever given me. You don't have to say anything if you find this crazy. I mean, what can you say about ten years of fights and laughter and secrets? Wine and cheesecake? Endless reruns of Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, Game of Thrones? Harry Potter weekend movie marathons? Trips to the record store to, just to listen to music? Shopping at Target just for the heck of it? Rocking it in the streets without a dollar in our pockets, like we aren't broke? Sing Mariah Carey's One Sweet Day when we were in mourning? I guess I will be doing that alone. Don't worry because I can't forget the endless sex stories!

Well, it's been an experience that I'll always keep very close to my heart. And that these are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold or feeling alone, and I forget that there are people like you who are warm and loving and always present. I'll miss you.

It's hard to believe that you're gone, but I'll eventually be happy because you are now resting in eternal peace. Just remember, Reed Adamson, you'll always be a part of me. Your friendship was something I never expected at in my life about 10 years ago. And I could never have asked for a better surprise. I love you, always and forever. And I will always remember the advice that we heard from Grey's Anatomy 'Don't let what your future significant others eclipse what you need. They might be dreamy, but they aren't the sun, you are.'

I will not allow time to erase one bit of yesterday or the yester-years. I know that nobody can take your place, but thank you for weaseling your way into my life. Though we can never be physically near each other, I'll do my best to keep your memory alive. I'll think of you and me, and I'll always remember our love. You are and always will be my sister. You're never too far. Thank you for being a friend.

Love Always,

April Kepner

Shit! That was some heavy stuff! I'm gonna go cry now. Thank God Reed can't question me for that.