Ugh, the lowest part of my life.
Abuse in almost every sense of the word.
Now, remember when I told you about Matthew Taylor? When I told you that he was seemingly perfect in every sense of the word? Well, here are some of things that I would like to tell you about him. He believes in God, he was friendly with everyone who came his way, charming, cheerful, nice smile, good in bed and very sympathetic. The problem with that is that what you see isn't always the best view at all.
One night after dinner, we took a stroll on the beach, underneath the stars. He held my hand in his as we were walking to the pier.
Suddenly he stopped walking and he kissed me.
"April, I want everything with you. I want to wake up next to you, share this world with you. Will you marry me?"
"Uhhhhh..."
"Say yes, babe. I want to spend my life with you."
I looked him straight in the eyes, about to say yes, until I remembered the hell that he put me through, plus the questions that came along with it.
What about the times you lied to me?
What about the times you said no one would want me?
What about all the shit you've done to me?
What about that, what about that?
What about the times you yelled at me?
What about the times I cried, you wouldn't even hold me?
What about those things?
What about that, what about that?
Those were the words that were running through my head, and to tell you the truth, it hurts as there were more words from Matthew that ran through my head.
You're fucking useless.
Guess what, Bitch? You should know that no one would ever want someone as stupid as you are. You should be lucky that I am here to love your pathetic ass.
I have landed in the hospital so many times, nearly beaten to death, and cheated on. He really expects me to say yes to him?! He a prisoner of his love?! Live this lie for the rest of my life?! Is that his plan? Is that what he sees me as? A piece of property or trash that he can use when he's bored? Flood the gates with all the abuse that I've endured, just to be with him for the rest of my life?
I don't think so!
I can't believe that I was so stupid to trust him. What's even more stupid is the fact that I stayed.
I stayed.
I FUCKING STAYED!
God, I'm an goddamn idiot!
So remember a while back when I said that I wish that I could've spent more time with my friend? The one where I wanted to have a conversation with her about her cheating boyfriend? Well, I'm sorry to say this, but I lied. Yup. I lied and I'm not proud of it. See, there was a cheating boyfriend, but that "friend" that I mentioned, was actually yours truly.
Where do I begin?
I guess I should tell you some deep details about my relationship with Matthew.
Matthew and I officially met face-to-face at church one Sunday after service. I wasn't really thinking about date anyone to date at all, but when we bumped into each other, I thought that he was very handsome. What I respected about Matthew when I first met him was the fact that he was sensitive and shy. I remember him telling me that he was saving himself for marriage, which I thought was admirable. I loved that he respected women and has good values, but that was before everything unraveled.
One time after about seven months of dating, Matthew came home visibly sad. I asked him what the matter was, and he told me that he had a family emergency, but his card was declined since they hadn't received the payment yet. Naturally, I suggested that he should borrow money from a friend and that when he got paid, he would pay his friend back. He ended up slapping me, saying that he would never borrow money from a friend. He slapped me like I was a dummy. He slapped me.
Another time, I had gone out to town with Reed - when she was still in the land of the living- for drinks, I had forgotten my phone. When I got back home, Reed had come up for a glass of water, which was fine with me. The both of us had entered the apartment, just to find an angry Matthew watching the door. Reed and I had greeted him, but he simply ignored us and stared at me with a hard stare. After I gave Reed a bottle of water, she bid me a good night and I walked with her to the door. As soon as Reed was out the door and I closed the door, I turn and I received a slap in the fact and kick to the stomach before he threatened to kill me. Once again, I stayed after he almost forced himself on me. I felt disgusting, even though nothing happened as he passed out before anything could happy.
He once tied me up and left me on the dining room table when I refused to wear this trashy outfit that he wanted me to wear. Another time, he left my body in cuts and bruises when he thought that I was flirting with a gay man at Target. Another time, Matthew broke my arm when I was running late due to an accident on the freeway. For all the things and pain that he inflicted on me, I couldn't help but say in that horrible situation for some reason. I mean, even my sister tried to get me out of that situation with Matthew, even after he cussed me out to nothing. I still remember that day.
"Going back to school for your MBA wouldn't help you! You should be taking your ass down to the corner and making me some goddamn money you dumb bitch! Who the fuck does she think she is?!" He angrily states.
I walk away from him and walk up the stairs.
"So I guess you think you're cute now, right? You're an ol' uppity bitch! You should've kept your fucking mouth shut!" He says sitting down in front of the TV.
The door slams.
"Just because I am more educated than you are, you want to go to school and be smarter than me?! Fuck you, April Kepner!"
He probably takes a hit from his cigarette as I am trying not to cry,.
"April!" He yells, kicking the coffee table effectively breaking the glass. "April! April! Get down here, bitch!"
I come out of the room and stand at the very top of the stairs.
"You brought that fucking bitch up in my house?! You- Why would you bring that bitch up in here?!"
"I didn't bring her here, Matthew!" I plead honestly.
"Well, why the fuck did she ring my buzzer? I can't hear you, April. Since you got so much motherfucking mouth and you gonna bring a bitch up in my house, why did that bitch ring my goddamn buzzer?"
"I didn't tell her to come here!"
"See, I think right now you think you becoming a conniving, deceitful woman. Because that shit you pulled in the kitchen I should have fucked you up." Matthew tells me, as he points his cigarette at me.
I'm shaking in fear of this man.
"But I let you walk away. And I let you get yourself together. But, bitch, I'mma let you know, if you ever pull that shit again, that'll be your last motherfuckin' day staying. I promise you that. You gonna send a stupid bitch to my motherfuckin' buzzer? Talking 'bout some higher education? You're a dummy, bitch! You will never know shit! Plus nobody wants you, and nobody needs you!
"You done fucked around and fucked my motherfucking cousin? And you could have had two motherfuckin' children? And one of them would've been a goddamn animal, running around looking crazy as a motherfucker? Bitch, you know what? See, I think you..." Matthew puts his hand over his heart and takes a deep breath. "I think you're trying me. I think you're really trying to fuck with me. You're fucking with my money, and you gonna stand up there and look at me like you a motherfucking woman? I'm gonna show you what real women do, bitch. See, you don't know what real motherfucking women do. Real motherfucking women sacrifice! Your parents should have aborted your motherfucking ass! Cause you ain't shit! Your parents should have known it when the doctor put you in your parents goddamn hands, that you weren't a goddamn thing! And you're gonna wear that smirk on your face, bitch?!" Matthew grabs a glass bottle. "Get it off your fucking face!" He bellows as he throws the bottle at April, who in turn ducks, causing the bottle to break. "Now smile about that! Smile about that, you fat-"
I get so mad that I kick his shoe down at him as it was lying down at the top of he stairs by her foot.
"Wha-!" He exclaims angrily as the shoe nearly hits him.
He starts running up the stairs.
"I'm gonna kill you, bitch!" He says as he trips going up the stairs as I flee to a room.
He manages to break the door off it's hinges and spots me.
"Get off me, bitch!" He yells as he starts to beat me.
There were days where he forced me to go down on him, just so he would give me money to eat. Days where he said that I was nothing but fat and I would probably be as big as the apartment that we were living in. Would you believe me that he once told me that education is worthless and that I should be barefoot and pregnant? I basically couldn't have my one life away from him because I was trapped in this horrid relationship.
I couldn't have male friends.
I had to wear clothes that made me feel unattractive.
Being alone for more than three minutes when I am in public was a no-no.
It was very hard to cope with everyday life. I always asked my self the simplest questions one day, which lead to a revelation. I won't get into the questions because they don't matter at this point. The-
"April, I asked you if you're going to marry me, you dumb bitch!" He says snapping me out of my thoughts.
"No."
"What the fuck did you just tell me, you fat bitch?!" Matthew angrily spat at me.
"I am not going to marry you." I bravely tell him.
"You will marry me and that is final!"
"Says who?" I retort back.
"Me, you fucking bitch!" He says grabbing me roughly.
"Let's go of me!"
"I'm doing this for you since no one else is going to want you. So you better say that you will marry me or else." He warns.
I manage to slap him so hard that he falls in the sand.
'Run!' My brain tells me.
I start to run.
Run.
RUN.
I run all the way to the car.
Unfortunately, he catches up to me just as I am about to reach the car. He starts pummeling into me as if I were a punching bag. I honestly thought that I was going to die because I literally had no courage to live after he caught me. But then, something amazing happened that I didn't expect. Some guy fought Matthew and defended me. Me! The guy started to fight Matthew once he saw what was happening. They were fighting like mad men as I tried to gain what little composure that I had left in my poor fragile body.
What gave me the courage to finally leave though in that exact same moment was the fact that I had enough energy to do the impossible. I asked the guy if he had a club or something in his car. He gave me a tire iron. You know what I did with that tire iron? I beat the dog shit of Matthew as a parting gift. I beat him so good that I broke one of his knee caps, and knocked out several of his teeth. It felt really good to return the favor after so long. I should have left him after he fractured three of my ribs, broke my jaw and threw me out into the snow that one time we spent the holidays in Colorado.
Through it all though, I realized that my life could've been a lot worse. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that there are fates out there worse than death. I once heard a story where this woman was so broken - you wouldn't understand if you've never been in a toxic relationship. I guess I'll try and tell you this story the best way I can. So I apologize if this sounds bad coming from my point of view.
"So one day, Bridget, my best friend and had sex with my husband Carl on our wedding day. Let's back up for a moment to see how I found out that they were sleeping together. You know what got me mad? Me and my son decided to go to her house, and I knocked. No answer. So I decided to use the key and enter the house after my son wanted to kick down the door. When we managed to get inside the house, there they were, husband and best friend fucking the living daylights out of each other. When Carl saw us standing there, he got off of Bridget, choked me and then proceeded to tell me that I must wait next door until he 'finish up inside of her' because he needed to be relieved.
"When he finished fucking Bridget, he decided to take his anger out of me by beating me, in front of our own flesh and blood, and that is something that I will never forget. He beat me, beat me, beat, beat me until I was nearly unconscious. My son, Dave, tried to saved me from death by shouting "Daddy, leave mommy alone" when I was bleeding for my life. But that didn't work as he started to beat me again which cause our boy to turn against him. My son he- he- my son managed to find Carl's revolver and threatened to kill himself so that Carl could stop beating me. You know what Carl said? He simply turned around, looked at Dave and said "Go on. Kill yourself."
"Without any warning, Dave put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Just like that. Dave was gone. My son is dead, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I was able to leave Carl, but the remnants of that relationship still weigh heavily on me as I no longer have a child to call my own anymore. As much as I would love for Bridget and her people to pay, I would rather let The Good Lord deal with them since Carl ended up committing suicide, without knowing that he had two children with my best friend! What a snake.
"It's hard for me to tell this story, but I would rather tell people my story rather than hearing about another case where a woman is in a similar predicament. What's hard about talking about my situation is the fact that Carl had never once done anything strange or deceitful at all, but that one day…I don't know. The only great thing about talking about my own troubled experience is the fact that I am always able to help at least one person, which is a great win for me. It just takes one person to get through to another in order to spare them from fates worse than death. Maybe he had a little too much, but I just don't know what happened at all. What is it that they say? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Well I can tell you this, and listen to me and listen to me well. I will always remember what happened to me, but I will never forget as I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive any of them."
"Every single time I think of that story, I think about how I was one of the lucky ones to get out of a bad relationship. I wish that I had the courage to leave a lot sooner than before instead of having a complete stranger save my ass. At the end of the day, I am just happy to get out of that relationship, and I can also advise people on bad relationships. I can now live my life in piece, all because of my Prince Charming's actions. If it weren't for Jackson Avery, I'd probably be dead as a door nail. And to think, I used to dream about a man like him actually exists? Eternally grateful and overwhelmed with gratitude are the words that come to mind when I think of Prince Charming.
My final goodbye to Matthew you may ask? That's pretty simple to answer. It's not long, but I think it'll have to do. My heart is pounding at the words I have to tell Matthew, but you know what? It's time. Time to stop letting my whispering heart control me, telling my screaming mind what to do and just let it all out, even if it's been said many times or many ways.
What about the times you hit my face?
What about the times you kept on when I said "no more please"
What about those things?
What about that, what about that?
What about the times you shamed me?
What about the times you said you didn't fuck her?
She only "gave you head" huh?
What about that, what about that?
Goodbye, Matthew. I don't wish you a good life, yet.