Philophobia - the fear of falling in love or emotional attachment.
Yup. Who knew that falling in love or being attached to someone could be a phobia? I never knew that at all. I guess that just goes to show that you learn something new everyday. God, I can't believe that I have a fear of being in a committed relationship after the last one. It hurts. It really hurts.
Now, ever since my failed relationship with Matthew, I always wonder why did it fail so quickly and why did I stay? Well, I can answer that very easily. Love made me vulnerable in every sense of the word. Sure, I've dated here and there, but I really thought that Matthew was the one for me, however, I was dead wrong. I hope to never make that mistake ever again as long as I live, particularly when I'm in a bad situation like that.
So, I can now tell you some of the things that I've learned when it comes to me and my fears on being in love or committed to another person.
I learned that my vulnerability stems from the unknown territories that'll come along in a new relationship. Placing my trust in someone after the last person...I think it's safe to say that it terrifies me. Everything that I have give and vice versa? I'll have to fight tooth and nail which will make me a challenge and a bitch. Isn't that just great? It really sucks to think that those who have been burned in a situation always screw up the other person in another the next relationship. What a never ending cycle.
Another thing that I can tell you about my fears about love would be the fact that I have to challenge my old identity. I say that because my relationship with Matthew was so toxic that I ended up judging and being harsh on myself to the point where I feel like I will always go back to that headspace. My old identity will always be a part of me and I think that it's a daily struggle because will almost always assume that I am unlovable. The experiences with pretty girls, the other men I've dated and the people in my family? While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, I have learned that they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own.
Sacrifices are another key thing that challenges me. Or would it be yin and yang? How would one call it? I mean, love has two things that will always be upfront without us truly ever thinking about it. Joy and pain are the things that we never think about, and it's common. Doesn't that suck? Joy and pain seems like that saying 'The Price of Free and Fair Election' and it's fucking annoying.
Equality and love…What have I heard about that? Oh! I have heard that sometimes when a person is in love with another one, they often worry that if they got involved with this person, their own feelings wouldn't evolve. That would definitely mean that the other person would wind up getting hurt or feeling rejected, which is everyone's fear when they are looking for love. Some people have also said many different things, but from my understanding, this is what I got from those conversations. The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment. Our feelings toward someone are an ever-changing force. In a matter of seconds, we can feel anger, irritation or even hate for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. It's better to be open to how our feelings develop over time. Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a relationship that could really make us happy. I guess that one expression about one person in a relationship is usually more in love than the other, right?
I am most afraid of losing myself to a man because my family…they are my safe haven. Relationships can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. My parents told my sisters and I that our own lives as independent, autonomous individuals, are usually based on our faith, morals and reflections of themselves. This development can also represent a parting from our family. Much like breaking from an old identity, this separation isn't physical.
Overall, my fear on finding love or being in love is quite simple. The more we have, the more we have to lose. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we fall in love, we not only face the fear of losing our partner, but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening. In an attempt to cover over this fear, we may focus on more superficial concerns, pick fights with our partner or, in extreme cases, completely give up the relationship. We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these existential fears. We may even try to rationalize to ourselves a million reasons we shouldn't be in the relationship. However, the reasons we give may have workable solutions, and what's really driving us are those deeper fears of loss.
Most relationships bring up an onslaught of challenges. Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behavior is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various justifications for why things aren't working out—but we may be surprised to learn about all of the ways that we self-sabotage when we get close to someone else. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining lasting love.
Now, with all of that being said, I can now confess something to you. Even though I have my reservations on being in love and being with someone, I have gotten to know Jackson Avery. Yes, I have gotten to meet the person that saved me from death. I will admit that at first, I was scared, and that was because I only met up with him to thank him for saving my life. We met up at a coffee shop, and I was just nervous to talk to this man. There I was at The Coffee Bean, simply going to thank him for saving me, which probably would've taken a few minutes. What I didn't expect was the outcome of that day.
When he got there, we formally greeted each other, and bought coffee. We talked, drank coffee and just befriended each other. He asked me how I was doing after my stint at the hospital, how he would see me (though he never went to my room), how am doing and readjusting to life, so on and so forth. While he was asking me those questions, I felt…..whole. It's just strange what I felt whole since I never felt that way with anyone before. I never expected that I would ever feel that way because I wasn't used to it at all. I was just happy to meet the guy who helped me from death, and I was just happy to have a friend. It felt great to have a friend that I met outside of work, and I didn't care that he was a guy at all.
Jackson and I just talked about any and everything for almost the whole entire day at the coffee shop. I felt like I mattered to someone, and he was a complete stranger. Well now that I think about it, he wasn't really a stranger since we've been talking to one another for quite sometime, but whatever. I will say that talking to Jackson was just very cool. I found out a few things about him that were quite interesting. He has a love for waffles. He always manages to lose his composure and get extremely nervous when he's on camera. Eating leftovers? That is not his thing at all because he thinks it's depressing to eat food out of Tupperware containers. Poor food! Um…..the two things that I can say that he truly hates are gambling and throw pillows. He's a slow reader, Norbert is the name of his favorite uncle and he played football in high school. He's always wanted two kids – a boy and girl to be specific- and his fetish you might ask? Nikes!
A simple thank you meeting turned into a…..date? I wasn't expecting that at all. I just expected a "thank you" and a "I hope you stay safe" or something, but I got something more. The whole day was just….fun. I haven't had that with Matthew at all. In fact, I haven't had that with any guy at all, and it's refreshing. I just went to go do one thing, and it turned into something more. What's even more interesting is the fact that he asked me to hang out with him again. I didn't expect that at all and I accepted. I didn't hesitate or anything, but I definitely accepted his invitation to hang out again.
Ever since our meeting at the coffee shop, we started to hang out here and there. I learned more and more about him, and I feel great. I didn't expect that I would have so much fun with the guy that saved me. About two years later after formally meeting, our friendship evolved in ways I never expected. We've traveled to San Francisco, took a road trip to Lake Tahoe, did a safari tour in Africa….we just had so much fun after that. We became friends. I still have my reservations on this, but I think I'm falling in love again. I want to say something to him, but I'm terrified. I keep hearing the same nagging voice in my head that tells me that this is a bad move, but my heart is telling me something completely different.
I'm scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
Cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last
I'm thinking about this very seriously. It's hard but I feel like this time, it's the right one. Let me just break down what I am thinking. I had spent so much time before not even sure if I wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't really believe that true love was real, and I definitely didn't think I'd ever feel so strongly about someone that I wanted to be with forever. In prior relationships, I would purposely not express how I was feeling most of the time, for fear of being judged or ridiculed. It could be the biggest thing, like disappointment over a friend moving, to the smallest thing. I just share everything with him, and he doesn't judge me. Ok, he judges my religion once in a while, but that can be dealt with.
In my prior relationships, I knew what it was like to feel momentarily excited (or even happy) for a little bit. Despite that, I still didn't know what it meant to have a joyful, happy feeling all the time, almost at every single second. The type of happy I feel isn't based on the ups and downs of the rest of the world, but instead, is based on knowing I've found Jackson. I feel complete freedom, and I love the woman that I've became based on the things that I have been through and what I have learned from it. I would like to believe that I'm patient, present, and I love to talk to him. It's like I've found a newfound sense of maturity that I really didn't have before. I feel capable of developing myself as a sensible grown-up.
Although sometimes I may call him out for his adorable cheesiness or something that pisses me the fuck off, not a day goes by that Jackson doesn't remind me that he values me more than he can say. Whether it's actually telling me in words, or whether it's by him doing nice things for Jackson takes every opportunity he can to express how much he cherishes me. It's an amazing feeling in the world.
I don't feel constrained - in fact, I feel freer than I've ever felt before. Since knowing Jackson, he is by my side no matter what, I feel free to explore the world in whatever ways I want. It's nice to know I'll always have a person to call home, regardless of what I want to do, see, or be.
In this relationship, the love will feel like it lifts me up, helping you to experience more out of life, and I love doing the same for him. It's equal. Before I met Jackson Avery, as soon as I got into a relationship, I'd start counting down the days to when I thought it would end, especially with Matthew. It was fatalistic, but was more that I hated relationships and wanted to escape the second I was in a relationship, especially that one. Now, I look forward to the future in Jackson, no matter what it may bring.
Now, the questions that I have, are the ones that are remain to be…..open-ended. Could he be the one to restore my faith? Could he be the one to completely put me back together, piece by piece? Is he going to be the one to show me that a man could be kind? The one to show me that I can find a man, who'll be a great father to the kids that I want to have one day? Should I give love a try, one more time? These are some complicated questions with little to no answers.