Unbearable unease plagued Rhajat as she arrived outside the home of her boyfriend – the very one she'd accused of being unfaithful and deceptive. She'd really overstepped a boundary this time.
A part of her lamented the fact that she didn't immediately visit his home to apologise, but she rationalised that he most likely needed some. After all, everything she said must have been very difficult for him to understand. The afternoon had offered her a modest amount of time to rehearse an apology – one she hoped would suffice and capture everything she intended to say – but such preparation hadn't provided any true confidence.
After the way she'd mistreated him, she doubted he'd ever speak with her again much less wish to continue a relationship, and such prospects made her bite her lip despairingly. No. Now was not the time for hesitation and reluctance. She'd summoned the courage to confront him and apologise, and it would be truly selfish and compassionless of her to abandon this campaign, considering this particular act of cruelty by her hand would not be resolved with time, she concluded; a direct approach was the most sensible option. She desperately hoped he'd accept her apology.
Releasing one last exhale through her trembling lips, Rhajat gently rapped her knuckles against the wooden door.
Seconds passed without activity. Maybe she hadn't knocked loud enough? Were they even home at all, and if they were, would Percy even want to talk with her? It was a possibility she'd prepared herself for, and if it were the case, she'd try again at a more opportune time.
Rhajat's hand graced the door again but she hesitated upon hearing the sound of footsteps escalating louder and louder accompanied by the front door being open accordingly. Rhajat's immediately retracted her hand.
Instinctively, Rhajat's gaze was affixed to below her normal coordination to meet her younger (and shorter) partner's eye-level. However, the person who answered the door wasn't her boyfriend rather his mother. And from their unreadable expression, they evidently weren't delighted to see her.
Because of the unexpected appearance, Rhajat was at a loss for words; she could barely breathe rhythmically, she was so uneasy. She hadn't realised she'd been staring for an extended period until the woman opposite her, continuing to wait expectantly, spoke.
"Yes?"
Rhajat instinctively knew no matter how she tried to present herself, she would still sound unrehearsed. Acknowledging these factors, Rhajat elected to introduce herself politely.
"G-good afternoon, milady" she began softly, "you might remember me. My name's…"
"I know who you are."
Having been interrupted, Rhajat acknowledged how foolish it had been to introduce herself. Lowering her gaze with humiliation, Rhajat concluded there was no point in trying to segue, and elected to instead approach the older woman about her true intentions.
"Is…Percy home?"
She observed as the woman's eyebrows furrow. "And if he is?"
"...May I...please speak with him?" She whispered desperately, "it's…it's very important."
The young woman's body tensed with anticipation as she waited for an answer, but the mother's scrutinising glare was certainly not improving Rhajat's well-being.
After a moment of inactivity, Felicia finally answered. But it wasn't the response Rhajat had anticipated.
"No, you may not."
Rhajat instinctively expected an offer of approval and almost reacted accordingly by politely gliding past the older woman. It was only after a few seconds did their words register.
Rhajat's stomach sank. Had she really heard that, or did she misunderstand them. "Sorry?"
The older woman's glared disapprovingly. "You are not to speak with him ever again."
The breath was sucked from Rhajat's being as she could only watch with intense fear as Felicia closed the door behind her, isolating the pair of them outside. Rhajat could imagine why she performed such an action; the privacy offered the older woman the chance to speak unfiltered.
Felicia folded her arms. "I returned home this afternoon to discover my son in tears. He could barely breath. I'd never seen him so devastated before."
Their confession evoked intense remorse in Rhajat; had she really upset Percy that devastatingly?
"I was terrified. I desperately pleaded with him for what seemed like an eternity before he finally summoned the courage to tell me what had happened – what had caused him such heartache."
"…What did he tell you?"
"He said enough."
Rhajat was immensely disappointed to hear that Percy had shared the experience with his family, although she instinctively knew that possibility had always been very likely. After all, they were his parents and they deserved to know how the girl he's been associating with had treated him.
Felicia shook her head in disbelief. "I am appalled. I honestly don't know what to think of all this. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Although they'd spoke rhetorically, Rhajat was desperate to explain herself – to try and convince the woman that insulting her son had never been her intention, and that she was ever so sorry for ever suspecting he was being unfaithful.
"You don't understand…" Rhajat whispered.
"I understand all too well now" protested Felicia defiantly.
"If I could just explain myself-"
"There is nothing you can say that could justify everything you've already said. I trusted you. He trusted you. For the better part of a year, you are always he's ever spoke about. He adores you – more than you could ever hope to believe; more than you deserve. And yet after everything he has done to try and satisfy you and your needs, you accuse him of this."
The older woman's unfiltered words impacted Rhajat like a powerful strike to the chest. In spite of how insistent she was on identifying others' flaws, Rhajat acknowledged that she herself was not immune to criticism, and everything her boyfriend's mother cited was accompanied with a palpable layer of truth and honesty. Such sincerity in their voice pierced Rhajat's fragile façade of artificial confidence and composure, reaching her core and distressing her emotions.
As she desperately struggled to contain the developing tears – the last thing she wanted was to expose how vulnerable and weak she really was – Rhajat shook her head anxiously to try and protest the accusations.
"I'm sorry" she stammered, "I don't – I never meant…!"
"He has been nothing but faithful and honest to you; the amount of sacrifices he's made of behalf of you is innumerable! And you have the gall – you have the audacity to accuse my son of being some…some untrustworthy, manipulative scoundrel exploiting you for sex! How dare you!? How dare you accuse my son of such behaviour!?"
The unrestrained verbal brutality was unbearable. Never before had anybody reprimanded her so and fiercely and resentfully; not even by her own parents. Rhajat dreaded how her own mother would react if they were aware of her actions. Rhajat couldn't believe the polite, nurturing and hospitable woman who'd welcomed her into their home – even so far as to announce they approve of her dating their son – was now viciously scolding her; it's like they were a completely different person. This nature only reaffirmed how much she loved her son, and Rhajat truly despised herself for ever inciting this intensity.
Rhajat was speechless. During any sort of confrontation, she would always make the effort to try and defend herself. But for what seemed like the first time ever, she was at a loss for words. After all, what could she say? Everything Felicia had recited had been the truth, and hearing it repeated only worsened her already distressed state.
An exhale through trembling lips was accompanied by droplets of tears. Rhajat tried to suppress them but her efforts were in vain - her emotional defences faltered, and the young woman began to whimper softly, hastily bringing her sleeves to eyelids.
"If I could just talk with him…" she whispered.
"No. That will not happen. You are forbidden to ever speak with him again." She extended a finger threateningly. "And if you so much as think of trying to approach him again, I will report you to authorities – and don't think that I won't."
Rhajat's eyes widened in shock and disbelief.
The older woman shook her head. "I'm disappointed to discover my initial suspicions of you were ultimately true", she glared harshly, "my son has been associating with somebody he shouldn't– somebody who would inevitably hurt him."
Rhajat immediately protested the notion; she didn't want the woman to think that of her. She cherished Percy – more than even he understood – and she never intended of inflicting so much pain and agony.
"That's not true" pleaded Rhajat, "I never meant to hurt. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Felicia didn't respond. Instead, after one final head shake of visible disgust and resentment, they turned face and gently opened the door, returning inside.
"Don't ever return" they declared bluntly.
Rhajat refused to accept and abide by everything she'd been instructed. She refused to leave without seeing Percy; she needed to apologise and express everything she'd repressed inside.
"No! Please…!"
"Goodbye."
Rhajat extended a hand and closed the distance but it was too late - the front door was shut defiantly, denying her entrance. Desperately, Rhajat's knuckles impacted the wooden surface as she pleaded with the woman to open the door and offer her a chance to redeem herself. But her attempts proved insufficient; the silhouette of the woman through the glass disappeared, as did the footsteps.
Struggling to accept and process everything that had transpired, Rhajat's clouded conscience began to arrive at haste and desperate possibilities as to what she could do to compromise and possibly resolve the issue, but she sorrowfully concluded nothing could be done. The protective mother had made herself intimately clear; Rhajat was forbidden to ever see her son again.
And it was only after reinforcing those words did they finally resonate.
Rhajat was exhausted both physically and emotionally; her accelerated heart-beat and disjointed breathing pattern in conjunction with her conflicting emotions prevented any and all rational thinking. She wanted to cry – there was nothing she wanted to do more than just collapse on the ground and release all her emotions – but Rhajat concluded that wouldn't resolve anything.
Out of respect, she elected to perform these actions in the privacy and comfort of her own home, and sorrowfully migrated away from her former partner's home, preparing herself for what was to be a very long and exhausting walk home.
Her efforts in suppressing her unstable emotions were proving quite successful for the most part, though the occasional tear managed to escape and caress her cheek, but she removed them with her sleeve as soon as they appeared. Rhajat rationalised the image of a young woman whimpering sorrowfully to herself would inevitably draw some unwanted attention. But she was too affixed on the previous encounter to take notice of the world around her. She was alone with her thoughts.
Rhajat accepted that'd she never been the most confident person in herself, but never before had she loathed herself so intensely for her actions – and she upset Percy repeatedly. Why couldn't she just have approached him about the subject like a rational person? Why did she always have to overcomplicate things and ultimately hurt the ones she held dear?
She'd never meant to evoke such a disastrous overreaction.
Rhajat's eyebrows furrowed intensely as she reflected on the experience, pondering a conclusion she hadn't before: had he overreacted? She acknowledged the execution was unorthodox – she certainly hadn't presented herself very respectfully – but her intentions had been pure; all she had wished was for him to answer her questions concerning their relationship's natural progression. Was that so wrong? Did she deserve to be chastised for it and labelled as a wench?
She's asked him politely to be respectful – to treat her problem with the maturity she'd come to expect of him – and instead he'd manipulated her words and accused her of being non-committal and disinterested in him romantically. Repeating that encounter in her mind irritated the young woman? She was unfaithful? Undedicated? The amount of sacrifices she'd made for him - all the embarrassing and humiliating escapades she'd had to participate in by process of association. Had he really forgotten everything she'd done for him – to try and please him? Never before had she ever needed to censor herself for anybody, but for him she'd accepted that challenge. He'd always encouraged her to speak confidently, and come time when she finally does – proposing to discuss their relationship no less – he abandons her in a display of tears. The child. If he'd only allowed her to speak.
This was excluding his mother from the equation; if she'd offered Rhajat a chance to explain, they'd surely have reached an understanding. But no; they forbid her to see their son again because of a simple misunderstanding. Rhajat understood how they only wished the very best for her child – they wanted to protect them- but the older woman's blatant lack of self-reflection was astonishing. If she insisted on protecting Percy from exposure to such controversial subjects, how would he ever evolve and develop as a person. If anything, they should be appreciative Rhajat even proposed discussing performing sexual activities with respect and maturity; Rhajat suspected no other girl her age would. She might not have suggested pursuing intimacy immediately, but at the very least, she offered her permission and consent. Wasn't that an example of how faithful and trustworthy she was?
The guilt and remorse circulating her conscience slowly evolved into resentment and bitterness. If it were any other circumstance, Rhajat would've eventually realise she may be overreacting or overanalysing an issue that probably wasn't even there. But at this point, she was beyond rational thinking. No longer would she carry the burden of censoring and filtering herself in order to change and appeal to another; the heartache, misery and desperation she'd been subjected to had been too much.
No more, she concluded. For far too long had she been manipulated and exploited; shovelled his deceptive lies. If he was so willing to just abandon her after all the time they'd shared together, he evidently didn't value her as much as she thought he did.
Rhajat clenched her fists tightly. She would make them suffer – he and his family.
"Ungrateful child! You insufferable, little worm!"
Without a trace of care for how much damage she would inflict from the door to her workstation, Rhajat violently slammed it behind her.
"You deceitful, galling, putrid dog! You accuse me of manipulating you, yet you dare toy with my emotions!? You have played me for a fool for the last time, you filth!"
With a growl of frustration, Rhajat's hand impacted a small, cardboard box adjacent her, spilling it and the contents all over her floor. She didn't care; all she desired was an outlet to channel her anger and loathing.
Destroying her resources and equipment wasn't accomplishing anything; she needed to perform something more…permanent – something that would exhibit how foolish that family was to ever wrong her. With this campaign in mind, Rhajat wasted no time in retrieving one of her tomes from the shelf.
She feverishly scanned the pages for the hex she was searching for – one she was certain would inflict the damage she wished to cause.
No more lies! How will you and your family be able to spread your corruption when not a single one of you is able to speak ever again?
Rhajat managed to locate the specific incantation and hastily retrieved the various resources documented to perform it properly. Removing one or several peoples abilities to speak was the intended effect. Rhajat could've gone a step further and recite a curse that prevented them from ever opening their mouths, but that would evoke breathing difficulties. Rhajat didn't want to kill them; she just wanted them to experience the pain and suffering she'd endured with him – not being able to speak properly.
Tracing a finger down the page, Rhajat's eyes migrated from the tome to the bowl of resources she was producing; upon igniting the ingredients with a flame and reciting the ritual, the incantation would be complete.
Rhajat was in the process of reciting the curse when an unexpected sigh caught her attention – her reflection in the test tube containing a wilted rose; the very same rose she'd been presented by Percy for their one-month anniversary.
Curious, Rhajat retrieved it for closer examination. She'd meant to have disposed of the wilted flower for some time now but couldn't bring herself to; she couldn't simply dispose of gift she'd been presented, no matter what condition it was currently in.
Rhajat brought the tube to her nose and gently inhaled; the scent of the flower still lingered. The aroma produced a collection of memories for her to reflect upon; it hadn't been the first time the wilted flower had evoked these feelings.
Rhajat's mental reflection was disrupted by her visible reflection. She couldn't believe it was her; she never seen herself so distressed and so resentful. It was only after witnessing her visible emotional state did the actions she intended to perform finally register with her. As her breathing arrived in haste and disjointed sessions, Rhajat's eyes anxiously examined her workstation as she struggled to understand why she'd been so compelled to perform such a dangerous curse.
What am I doing!?
With disgust, she removed the bowl from workbench, scattering the ingredients across the floor. Overwhelmed with conflicting, debilitating emotions, Rhajat absentmindedly let the test tube she'd been cradling slip from her grasp and shatter, creating hundreds of little shards of glass to decorate her station.
Trembling with fear over the prospects of what would have happened should she not have realised the error in her actions, Rhajat whimpered sorrowfully before collapsing onto to the floor, resting her back against a cupboard as she cradled her face to contain the cascade of tears she'd desperately tried to contain.
What in God's name is wrong with me!?
Had she not stopped herself, she'd have committed the most unforgivable mistake of her life – something she'd declared to him and his family she'd never do: harm the one person she cherished in life more so than any other. Rhajat erupted into tears. His mother was right; she was an awful person, and she would've inevitably hurt him.
Slowly, Rhajat removed her hands from her eyes to inspect the entrance of the room to discover her parents who anxiously closed the distance to comfort her by her side, pleading with her to explain what had evoked her current emotional state.
For as long as she could remember, Rhajat had been committed to never letting her parents see her cry. But for this moment, she abandoned the campaign, lowered her defences and released her emotions.
I was speeding on the subway through the stations of the Cross / Every eye looking every other way, counting down till the pain will stop
At the moment of surrender / A vision over visibility / I did not notice the passers-by, and they did not notice me