There's a song by Mariah Carey that goes:

See I'm going through a situation
That I can't help
Want to get a little closer
But I promised myself
That I would never give my heart
Away again
Oo oo babe, I know it's hard
Butcha gotta understand it
The truth is all the hurt and the pain
And the shit that you get
When you have it
Ain't worth it
I've been there so many times
I should know better but I
Can't stop what I feel
When you're next to me
I really think I

Finally found somebody
That could be the one
But I promised myself
That I wouldn't give in to love
And I'm scared
And I'm nervous
Don't want to be hurt anymore
This is bad
Cause I know that you're the one

Damn. The One. This is a good chunk of a song that describes my situation.

Question: Do you remember your first time? I sure do. Do you remember how you felt when you lost your virginity? I know how I felt when I lost mine. Were you excited? Nervous? Scared that you're bad in bed? Did you have sex consistently or did it take a long time until you hit the sheets? Is it fun for you?

Were those questions too...personal?

If they were, I apologize for that.

The only reason I ask you these questions is because I even though I've had sex, I still consider myself a virgin. I don't know why I feel like that, but I don't really think that it's a bad thing at all. After all, people say that losing your virginity is completely up to you, and I'm sticking with that. Everything about all those bed time escapades, I found them boring. I probably shouldn't have said that but who the fuck cares at this point. It's my sexual experience, not yours, ¿comprende?

The more I think about my sexual experiences, I think on one positive thing. What is it you may ask? Well, if anyone wanted to write about my sex life, all you would get would be a pamphlet. I dare you to make fun of me for that. I dare you.

Now, as I understand, sex is….It's not just a physical act, it's the intimacy between two people sharing their souls. Sex without love is empty and hollow. Another thing that I can say about sex is that it is a privilege to have. Yes, sex is a privilege in my opinion, so deal with it. If you don't like my opinion on is, then too bad, bitches! I think sex is a part of a special kind of love that you feel for a very special person.

Some of the articles that I read were….interesting to say the least. I always thought that it was only us women that were nervous about losing our virginity. Turns out that men are just as nervous as us women. Isn't that something? I never expected that at all, but it's nice to know that everyone is nervous when it comes to their first time. Here are some of my favorite tales from the guys in some of the articles that I have read.

"I was a traditional guy and planned to save myself for marriage—this cost me several relationships in college. I was 22 when my girlfriend at the time and I finally had sex. One summer night, she invited me to dinner she cooked in the apartment she shared. She said she wanted to help me apply for a job in London , where she was from. She had made spaghetti—it was off the charts and we ate it. Then we went to her room to work on the application. We worked and then started to fool around...you know, a man and a woman sitting on a bed—things are bounded to happen. To be honest, I wish I had started sooner."

"For me, losing my virginity was honestly nothing special. Like, it was amazing, don't get me wrong. But it just wasn't that important to me. Just a blip on the emotional radar. I got a tattoo today, and that seems like an infinitely bigger deal to me than losing my virginity ever was!"

Reading about guys losing their "V-Cards" made me think about what us gals think about our virginities. Some people have told me some stories that were just…..nuts.

"I was 21 and met a guy at a frat party. We made out and exchanged numbers at the party and then arranged to go on a double date with him and his friend and me and my friend the next Friday night. It was then that my friend and I realized that this guy wasn't in the frat anymore—he was 26 and had graduated four years prior but clearly missed college so much. He had a vanity plate with his college football number, and when we ended up back at his apartment after the movie, we found out he lived with his parents—and his bedroom was covered in beer posters and huge inflatable beer bottles. I was desperate to lose my virginity, so he and I ended up doing it in his parents' bedroom while my friend banged on the door because she was ready to leave and her date was giving us both a ride home. Overall, it was a ridiculous story that still makes me laugh."

"It was junior year of college and it was the last weekend before Christmas break. I went to a fraternity's tacky Christmas sweater party. I remember I was sitting on the kitchen counter talking to some of the guys when I saw a really hot guy—who looked like Jude Law—that I did not recognize (which was weird because I knew everyone there). I had done everything but sex a few times—I liked having control and just never got around to it. I wasn't saving myself or anything like that. I don't know why, but this time I thought, 'what the hell,' and just went with it! It was awesome. He knew exactly what he was doing and put me in all these different positions—we had sex four times that night. It hurt a little at first and there was a tiny bit of blood, but I loved it. He ended up being my hookup buddy for the rest of the year."

For me, losing my virginity…..It was just a step in my path to becoming comfortable with my body the first time, but now that I am with Jackson? Rediscovering myself was/is a challenge, however I think that it's okay as I am evolving. With Jackson, I am evolving and it's great because he's helping me heal in ways that I never thought was possible.

Movies

"What's your favorite Disney movie, Apes?"

"I love Cinderella." I tell him. "I love how she was able to escape that wretched family of hers. And that dress! Oh! It was to die for!"

Jackson laughs.

"What about you?" I ask him

"I'd have to say that my favorite Disney movie is Aladdin."

"Really? I would've thought that you would've loved Robin Hood or something."

"Yeah. I've always compared Jasmine's life to mine. Her father was a sultan; my father is the CEO of his own company. Jasmine is stuck in a life of royalty, and I'm stick trying to figure out how to navigate my life because of my last name. Last but not least, Aladdin is a humble 'street rat', trying to succeed in life; while you are always comparing your life to everyone else you've dated while remaining humble."

I kiss Jackson like crazy.

Random WeekdayMidnight Dinners

"Hey, Apes." Jackson says as he walks into the room after an extremely long day at work.

At least he doesn't have to go in for a couple days.

"Hey, babe." I say as he lies down next to me on the bed.

"You wanna get some Taco Bell?" He says.

"It's Thursday and it's past midnight." I laugh.

"So what's your point? Besides, I have a hunch that you're hungry."

"Well, you're not wrong about that." I concede before my stomach growls again.

"Let's go! I'm in the mood for a ton of tacos and a quesadilla!" Jackson exclaims excitedly.

I end up laughing as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and puts on my shoes on my feet.

"Boy do I love you." I admit.

Jackson kisses my cheek as he simply holds me.

My heart flutters. I'm extremely happy that I am the one that gets to do that to my Jackson.

I could go on about how he treats me with respect, but I'll hold off on that for now. The point that I am trying to convey is that it took a long time to be….better. He has proven himself in ways that I never possible. It just makes me think that with all this talk of sex and being a virgin makes me think of my first time. My first time…..I'll just say this. I was kinda bored. I wasn't expecting the moon and the stars, but I was just bored. I was with my first boyfriend Rick at his apartment one summer day. We were just talking about any and everything that we could think of which included traveling to New York, poetry, drawing, and cars. We had ice cream and watched a movie on his Netflix account when he asked me if I knew of any good porn videos that we can watch. I said no, but I suggested that we find one together.

So less than five minutes later, we're searching for a video to watch until he randomly picks one. A few minutes into the video, he suddenly kisses me passionately, but the kiss was…different. I just remember kissing him back and he lifted me and put me up against the wall before he went down on me. One thing lead to another, but I just remember being in his bed while we had sex. I just kept on yawning and yawning, bored out of my mind which was sad. I was expecting….well, I don't know what I was expecting, but I was just bored out of mind.

On one hand, I am happy that I lost my virginity to him because I was able to work on myself and my skills in bed with him. On the same token, I wish I would have waited for that special someone because it took a lot of work on my end and he was like a pro. That coupled with the fact that he just kept talking about how he loves watching football while having sex was just a snooze fest. Oh well. At least that it's done. I can't take it back, but since I don't consider that as truly losing my virginity, I don't regret losing my own "V-Card" to him at all.

With all of that being said, I have to admit that when I had sex with Jackson though for the first time, Rod Stewart's Tonight's the Night was playing in my mind. You're probably asking yourself "What the fuck is she talking about?" But I am serious about that because the first time we had sex, it felt right. I just remember thinking that he and I came a long ways since the coffee shop, but I didn't expect that we would date at all. Who knew that a year later, we would be dating one another? I didn't but I am happy that we are. He treats me so kind, as if it were my own sweet destiny, so I am eternally grateful for that.

I could tell you about the first time that we had sex, but I won't. All I am going to say is that I was nervous, it felt pretty good and that I can't wait to have sex with him at all. It also felt great that he sang a bit of Tonight's the Night which made me feel special. Who knew that he has a great singing voice? I don't feel like a virgin with him and you know what? It feels fucking great!

Stay away from my window
Stay away from my back door too
Disconnect the telephone line
Relax baby and draw that blind

Kick off your shoes and sit right down
Loosen off that pretty French gown
Let me pour you a good long drink
Ooh baby don't you hesitate cause

Tonight's the night
It's gonna be alright
'Cause I love you girl
Ain't nobody gonna stop us now

Shit. That song….It takes me the fuck out, and for good reasons, especially when Jackson sang it to me when we had sex together for the first time.

I love that man.