Percy liked to believe he was one of the only people in the world that didn't actively dislike rain. The general consensus was that pouring, saturating rain wasn't a favourable choice for weather. But Percy always welcomed a rainy day,
Cold, wet weather is almost always associated with misery or unhappiness, so one would expect a rainy day to be a signal for unpleasant events to follow. Percy, however, didn't believe in this philosophy. There was an unappreciated juxtaposition of mood and atmosphere that he wished more people understood when it came to rain. Radiating sunshine and warmth were always welcome, and usually signalled that something positive was to occur. Percy applied this attitude to rainy days too, so when something positive did take place during or after a session of rain, the event was made all that more special.
Percy's philosophy was that every day can be a beautiful day; you just have to make it one. However, even he was struggling to maintain this positive attitude. When every single day started to feel like a perpetual downpour of pounding raindrops, he'd stopped anticipating good things to ever occur again in his life.
Percy desperately tried to avoid thinking about the countless people in the world suffering with genuine problems and turmoils. Inside and outside the kingdoms and beyond, there people and families suffering, crippled and burdened by a myriad of traumatising difficulties like homelessness, poverty, physical and mental health, and so many more he dared not imagine. There were people without food, shelter or company, and he here was thinking he'd lost all sense of purpose in life because he'd had his heart broken by a girl.
His seemingly endless state of depression and low-mood was honestly quite pathetic. By all other accounts, nothing truly important or consequential had been lost following his separation from Rhajat. His life had effectively returned to a state of normality; he was still the same person all things considered. But this restoration of time was what disappointed him the most. Rhajat had become so important in his life that accepting she was gone and returning to a period in his life where he hadn't known her was an incredibly difficult task, made all that more challenging and daunting when he was reminded he'd been the one to drive her away on account of his ineptitude and inability to properly understand and empathise with her.
Just as he'd expected since their relationship's inception, he had ultimately disappointed her and failed in the pursuit of being a boy worthy of her care and attention. And there was nothing he could to redeem himself.
Percy had become accustomed to the symptoms he experienced during his sessions of intense self-reflection and evaluation; mental and emotional activities that weren't doing anything to improve his mood and attitude whatsoever. During these moments, Percy had found himself retreating into his memories to properly assess and evaluate what had gone wrong and everything he should've done to prevent them taking place. However, these escapes from reality didn't hinder his awareness to the world around him. His hearing was still incredibly sensitive, which is why his body tensed after being alerted to a knock behind the door.
"Tea's ready" announced his mother cheerfully.
Panic and dread overcame Percy as he immediately concentrated on his door, his mind suddenly corrupted with conflicting thoughts on what to do to prevent his mother from entering. There'd been a reason Percy had occupied a great percentage of his time in his bedroom following his separation from Rhajat – and it wasn't for comfort. For his family and friends who were aware of his emotional situation, Percy had become all too effective at fabricating excuses and adopting a brave face in the hopes of instilling hope and reassurance that he was feeling alright. But even he had limits, and after a particularly intense period of self-loathing and emotional punishment, he wasn't prepared to let his mother discover him in such a state.
Regressing to a premature state of mind temporarily, Percy hastily retreated beneath his bedsheets in a desperate attempt to escape the inevitable. Percy tried to ignore his mother's frequent knocking, but as he expected, she elected to investigate as to why he hadn't answered. The sound of the door unlocking accompanied by his mother's gentle voice made his grip on his quilt tighten in fear.
"It's tea time."
Percy didn't respond. Instead, he held his breath – an act made needlessly difficult by his worsening state. If he remained inactive, he could possibly convince her that he was asleep.
"If you're not…up to it, I won't mind if you want to eat in here."
Percy was positive his mother would be devastated if she were to discover that he'd been crying again. He tried to remain completely motionless, but the sound of her voice and footsteps increasing in volume in addition to her silhouette becoming more visible from beneath his sheets as she approached were only making him more restless and anxious. Percy shut his eyes and waited for the unavoidable outcome as his bedsheets were gently removed.
"Did you not hear me? I said-"
Vulnerable and exposed once more, Percy stared up at his mother, humiliated and embarrassed.
His mother's hopeful smile slowly disappeared from her face, soon replaced by an expression of fear and shock. "Oh…"
It was only after watching his mother bring a hand to her mouth in disbelief was Percy able to speak.
"…I'm s-sorry…"
Almost immediately, he was treated to a shake from his mother's head as she assumed an available spot on his mattress.
"No, don't apologise."
After exploiting her trust and lying about his emotional state, he didn't deserve her compassion or sympathy. He didn't deserve anybody's anymore after all the pain he'd inflicted.
"I tried" whispered Percy, apologetically and pleadingly. "I…I promised I wouldn't cry anymore…" His loss of conviction to that assertion was becoming more evident the longer he spoke, as he struggled to choke out the final words. "I just-"
He was interrupted by the presence of his mother's warm hand gracing his shoulder. Inspecting the origin of the act, Percy discovered his mother's weak smile. "It's alright. Just…just do it." She nodded in affirmation. "Just let it out. All of it. Don't hold back."
Percy sniffled; he'd definitely never expected to hear them encourage him to release his emotions. But after everything he'd endured during and after his heartbreaking separation from the girl he'd unjustly disappointed, crying was just about the only activity he was effective at doing anymore. Erupting into tears, Percy released all of his repressed sorrow, regret and hurt and channelled into one final session of intense weeping and crying as he clutched his pillow tightly and desperately tried to concentrate on his mother's gentle embrace and soft words of encouragement.
"My little man… My brave, little man."
Rhajat couldn't recall the last time she'd been so invested in her research. Secluded in her workstation - her one, true sanctuary from the rest of the world – the young woman had finally been able to dedicate time towards her progress and experimentation.
But it wasn't the same.
Even after several hours of intense concentration, her efforts to perform a curse had consistently proven unsuccessful. Rhajat sighed with disappointment and angrily closed it, resting her elbows on her desk and enveloping her face, exhausted. She couldn't understand her sudden apparent lack of productivity. For the better part of a fortnight, she'd been offered everything she could've ever wanted: seclusion, privacy and more than enough spare time to perform research. But something was missing, and it was only after such an extended period of consistent failures did she discover what it was.
Try as she might to deny it, her motivation had disappeared. She wasn't conducting research because of genuine curiosity and intrigue; she was doing it out of desperation and not passion. Her drive to work and research had devolved into a shameful effort to achieve some semblance of escapism. Her frustration and disappointment had definitely distracted her, but now that she'd abandoned the activity, the painful, debilitating memories returned to haunt her. And without so much as trace of resistance, Rhajat allowed herself to be consumed by them once more.
After her humiliating display of weakness and vulnerability, Rhajat had become committed to never allowing her parents to witness her in a state like that again. Never again would she allow them to see her express sorrow or despair. But try as she might, her efforts were proving to be in vain – for not even she could convince herself she felt otherwise. She couldn't deny the truth. She missed him ever so much - and she hated herself for driving them apart.
An exhale of frustration escaped Rhajat's following a gentle faint knock behind her workstation's door. It was evident that she hadn't made herself clear enough when she established that she didn't want to be disturbed. Rhajat acknowledged her father only meant, but after her sorrowful performance and confession of emotional disparity, she couldn't bring herself to address him again quite yet. She couldn't justify accepting his support; her pride prevented her from relying on the help of others, no matter how desperate she may be for emotional guidance.
Another knock echoed – this time louder and more. Rhajat wiped her eyes hastily and concentrated on the door, evaluating whether or not she should answer. Realising her father was very determined to speak with her, Rhajat concluded he would not leave until she acknowledged him, and irritably answered the door.
Rhajat instinctively prepared herself to meet her father's equal gaze. But instead, she found her attention navigating downwards to meet her other parent. Rhajat was so surprised that she didn't even notice the bowl of boiled vegetables they'd offered.
Her mother's persistent silence was causing Rhajat a great deal of irritation, and their offer of food was not welcome. The young woman folded her arms. "I'm not hungry."
No response. After a moment of inactivity, Rhajat watched as her mother defiantly migrated past and entered her workstation.
Rhajat brought her hands down. "Fine. Just let yourself in."
Rhajat studied her mother as she relocated some resources and equipment from a desk to make room for the bowl before removing a chair and taking a seat. Rhajat should've been distressed over the fact that her mother had entered without permission, but she was honestly more puzzled than anything.
Nyx politely motioned for her to sit down, but Rhajat folded her arms once more. Such refusal was evidently unaccepted as Rhajat was then treated to a more commanding, gesture. Realising refusing to comply was pointless, Rhajat rolled her eyes and begrudgingly accepted adjacent seat.
Her mother's stern demeanour softened when she offered the bowl of vegetables, and Rhajat studied the dish as if it were a foreign object.
"I told you, I'm not hungry."
Her mother's visible determination didn't falter. "You haven't eaten all day."
"How could you possibly know that? You've been out for the better part of the day."
"Your father has informed me that you haven't so much as set foot outside your room. He's explained how you've insisted on isolating yourself."
Rhajat suppressed a groan. Was her wish for privacy really a cause for alarm? "Well, you should have listened to him a little more carefully then. What part of 'isolate' did you misunderstand?"
"I know you're still hurting. I can see that. Your father and I understand very well that you wish to be alone in your own company. You've made yourself intimately clear, and we will respect your decision and offer you some privacy. But I will not tolerate this insistent refusal to eat. Your personal recovery will not yield any positive results if you continue to starve yourself. It's unhealthy and dangerous. I will not sit back and watch my daughter punish herself like this."
Her mother's announcement angered Rhajat more than it really should have. As if she needed to be reminded that she hadn't fully recovered from her separation; she knew better than anybody else that she was still suffering. Her mother's assessment of the very personal situation and uninvited appearance weren't welcome at all.
"I am not punishing myself" declared Rhajat defiantly, "I'm just not hungry. Why can't you understand that?"
Try as she might to deny it, the presence of food had definitely reawakened her dormant appetite. She wasn't, however, about to reward her mother with the satisfaction of exposing and disproving her. "I'll eat when I feel like it."
"I would rather you ate something now rather than later."
"Don't tell me what to do. You don't control me."
A part of Rhajat felt remorseful for deliberately speaking so threateningly, but then she was reminded that she wasn't speaking with her father. Her mother's typical refusal to empathise and understand her was on full display once more, and Rhajat couldn't bear it.
Such a defiant protest had evidently evoked distress from her parent. "I am your mother, and I know what's best for you."
Rhajat whispered threateningly. "You are not my mother. You never have been and you never will be…"
It was only after witnessing their wounded demeanour did the unfiltered words that escaped her mouth finally register with her. Rather than express further visible hurt, her mother instead returned to projecting their aura of control of composure; as if that hurtful comment hadn't been expressed at all. It was clear to Rhajat, however, that her mother had been offended by the remark. Even she acknowledged she'd overstepped a boundary, and touched upon a very sensitive subject.
"No, perhaps I'm not. But am I still your guardian, and you are still my responsibility, and I would very much appreciate it if you'd respect my wishes. You are to eat something tonight. Understand? Even if it's only a few mouthfuls."
Her mother's instructions weren't unreasonable, but Rhajat still couldn't bring herself to accept. After a long and exhausting period of emotional distress, the last thing Rhajat wanted was to evoke even more tension between them, realising arguing with her mother wasn't accomplishing anything. All Rhajat wanted was to be left alone with her thoughts.
Rhajat lowered her gaze. "Just leave me alone…"
"I'm not leaving until you eat something."
Rhajat whispered bitterly beneath her breath. "Then you'd best make yourself comfortable because that sure as hell isn't happening..."
"Why are you speaking to me like this!? Where is this hostility coming from?"
"I don't need your sympathy."
"No, you need proper sustenance and nourishment. Don't you understand how dangerous it is to starve yourself?"
"And don't you understand personal boundaries? Your persistent concern is not appreciated. I don't care if I starve." Rhajat bit her lip to suppress her destabilising emotions. "It couldn't possibly make me feel any worse than I already do..."
"You mightn't be concerned about your health and well-being but I am. Why can't you just accept that punishing your body isn't going to improve anything?"
A feint whimper escaped Rhajat's lips. "Just leave me be…"
"I'm only trying to help."
Rhajat glared intensely. "You are trying my patience!"
"Do not speak to me like-!"
"Why do you even care, anyway? You never approved of him in the first place. You should be thrilled that we've separated. Now you'll never have to see him again."
She observed as visible shock and disbelief enveloped her mother's face. "That is not true. I never disapproved of your relationship with that young man. How dare you!"
"How dare I!? How dare you!"
With her patience and tolerance finally exhausted, Rhajat erupted with anger. "I've explained repeatedly to you and Father that I wish to be alone, and yet you still insist on violating my privacy. You know I'm not well, and you continue to abuse my personal space. You love it, don't you? You love witnessing me in such a state. I'm so weak and helpless, aren't' I? You know you were right. You knew he and I weren't meant for each other. You knew I would ultimately hurt him. Go on! Say it! You know you want to! You know you want to humiliate me for all my mistakes. Because that's all I am, aren't I? A f*cking mistake!"
After what had seemed like an eternity, Percy recovered some semblance of control and composure, and managed to successfully end his most recent session of crying and weeping. It should have been relieving to finally release such tension, but Percy all felt was exhaustion. After what'd he experienced, all he could've wanted to do was continue to rest his head against his mother's chest in some vain attempt to escape his pain.
Percy nuzzled himself deeper into his mother's embrace. He couldn't begin to imagine expressing his gratefulness and appreciation for her tireless compassion and support. Following the discovery that he'd separated from his girlfriend, his two parents had become completely committed to him in a manner he'd never experienced before. And even as that night's meal presumably went colder and colder downstairs in their absence, his mother continued to demonstrate that she wasn't about to abandon the campaign of offering her support and attention.
"…I'm sorry…" whispered Percy apologetically for what had seemed like the millionth time. He didn't mean to repeat himself; he only wanted to emphasise how remorseful he was for burdening her further.
"Stop saying that. Please stop saying 'sorry'. You've done nothing wrong. You know this isn't your fault; none of it is."
"Then why do I…?"
Percy hesitated, thankfully halting himself from revealing anymore embarrassing and humiliating insight about his true sentiments on his previous relationship. He soon found himself released from his mother's embrace, who promptly readjusted her position on the mattress so that he was offered a better view of her face and, more specifically, her hopeful smile.
Felicia nodded softly. "No, please. What were you going to say?"
Percy averted his gaze;
"Just tell me" she whispered. "It's…it's unhealthy to bottle up your emotions like this. You know can tell me. Just share your thoughts; just whatever you're thinking about."
Simply evaluating how he felt was enough for Percy's to devolve into a similar emotional state as familiar symptoms – a runny nose, trembling lips, misty eyes and so forth – unfortunately returned. His mother was right, however; resisting wasn't doing him any favours or improving his already deteriorating mood.
After some preparation, Percy finally decided to share his thoughts. "I…I feel like a huge disappointment; that I… let her down. I just wasn't good enough for her."
"No, that is not true at all. She wasn't good enough for you. You deserve so much better than her; you always have. She was unreasonable and ungrateful, and even after everything you'd done for her, she still expected more from you."
Percy couldn't ever hope to agree with his mother about who was responsible for the separation; for he knew nobody could be held accountable but him.
"I'm sorry you were treated like this for so long. But she's not your burden anymore. You don't need to concern yourself about her needs and desires ever again."
"Then why can't I stop thinking about her?" Percy whimpered softly. "She's all that I think about. I…I have dreams where we're still together, and that we never fought…and we never…and she didn't…"
By this point, Percy had been deprived of his ability to speak clearly. He'd only realised he'd started crying when he was suddenly welcomed into another nurturing embrace from his mother, softly ushering for him to remain calm.
"Shh… It's alright" she whispered, cradling him gently. "Deep breaths" she instructed, "in through the nose and out through the mouth. Ready? With me."
After a moment, Percy was able to participate with his mother, achieving a rhythmic breathing pattern of methodically inhaling and exhaling that successfully restabilised his composure and control.
It was quite clear to Percy that his mother was experiencing her very own turmoil, evident by her wounded demeanour, and witnessing in her such a similar state only served to make him feel even worse.
"I just…" she stammered before bringing a hand to her chest. "You don't know what I wouldn't do to make you feel better – to make the pain just go away. I really wish there was something I could do. I really, truly do."
The disparity in her tone was difficult for Percy to listen to. It was even more confronting to think that his mother actually accepted responsibility for all the misfortune, when that wasn't the case at all.
"I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel any better, but…but please just have faith in me when I say that things will get better in time, I swear. I promise that all of this will disappear; it'll just be a thing of the past. I know it seems hopeless right now – I know that - but you will improve. You will move on from her."
Although he acknowledged her assertion was most likely true, in his current state of habitually reflecting upon the time that once was, Percy doubted very much he would ever come to accept that she was no longer a part of his life, and make an effort to move past this emotional period. Rhajat had been the most important factor in his life for the better part of a year, and with her leave was a part of him as well.
"I understand how you feel. You still care about her, and you don't want to forget about her. I know that feeling. I know how you're feeling all too well."
"No, you don't!"
Percy erupted unexpectedly, much to even his surprise. He definitely hadn't meant to raise his voice, but his tolerance for his mother's repeated words of insufficient encouragement had reached a limit. She needed to know that insistently reiterating that his low-mood and depression was only temporary wasn't offering any comfort or support. If anything, frequently repeating it only made him feel even worse.
"St-stop saying you know how I feel, 'cause you don't! You have no idea how I feel! You keep saying that everything's gonna be fine, but it won't. I'll never be able to move on from her. I'm gonna be stuck like this forever…"
"Don't say that!"
Percy felt silent, having been interrupted by her mother's unexpectedly hostile tone. From her contrite demeanour, it was clear she hadn't appreciated his unjust accusations.
"Don't say that I don't understand what you're feeling. Do you really think you're the only person in the world who's suffering like you are? You're not the first person who's experienced a bad relationship and you won't be the last. I've had my heart broken – repeatedly. You're not the only one. So…" she hesitated, bringing a finger to her eyelid before continuing. "So don't say that I don't understand what you're experiencing, because I do. Me and millions of other people across this world know exactly how you feel. It's not pleasant. It's not pleasant at all."
It was only after receiving such a cathartic verbal reprobation did Percy realise how wrong he'd been to accuse his mother of being inexperienced. If there was somebody in his world that had knew all too well about personal, emotional conflict, it was unquestionably his mother, and evoking such distress from her only served to remind Percy how ungrateful and inconsiderate he was behaving. Here she was offering her care and support, and he'd rejected it based on his own askew judgement; he was the inexperienced one. Percy could understand why Rhajat had grown to distrust him so passionately.
Despite his worsening emotional condition, Percy was still determined to express his apologies for his misbehaviour. "…I'm sorry."
"No" answered Felicia with a shake of head, "I am. I didn't mean to threaten you; that wasn't what I was trying to do at all. I just… I only wanted to emphasise just how common a lost love is, and that you won't be the only person who experiences it. I guarantee there are probably hundreds upon thousands of young men your age who are suffering just like how you are – right now. They too are reflecting on what went wrong and what they must do for the future."
"I really hate myself right now…"
Felicia caressed his arm once more. "Please don't say that…"
Percy shook his head, unforgivingly. "I'm so selfish…and disrespectful…"
"You're just distressed. You have a lot of self-anger, I can see that. I know how that feels, and I absolutely hated that feeling – like everything following my relationship was…just pointless; like nothing mattered anymore. I was just like you when I experienced my first heart break."
"…You had your heart broken?"
His mother nodded solemnly. "I did, and it hurt ever so much."
Her confession only served to highlight how ungrateful he'd been behaving. The very thought of his mother being subjected to same intensity of self-loathing and punishment was a difficult thought to process, and enough for Percy's emotional resolve to falter.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" His mother offered a weak smile. "I'm not trying to… take pity on me… I just want you to understand that this isn't the end. In fact, this could very well be the beginning of something new - something better. Just because your first experience with love ended in a way you didn't want it to, it doesn't mean you'll never experience again in your life."
The young man soon found his cheek cradled by his mother's warm hand. "I know you loved her. You loved her more than any boy could ever love a girl, and I know that you still do. But she wasn't…her. She wasn't the one – the one you were meant to spend your life."
Percy struggled to properly process her words – and not just because his mother's touch evoked a sensation of nostalgic familiarity that distracted him from concentrating. The thought of romantically associating with another girl as frequently as he did with Rhajat was difficult to ponder, and after everything he'd done to wrongly abuse and torment her, he doubted he'd ever deserve another chance at love.
Perhaps his mother was right; perhaps there would come a time when he could express himself confidently, successfully move on from this thoroughly exhausting and debilitating experience and possibly seek companionship with another woman. It wasn't improbable, he acknowledged, but such a resolution seemed like a pipe dream; a distant fantasy reserved for literature and stories. Percy didn't want to think about the future, for all he could think about was the one thing that he was positive would never leave his thoughts: the one person he loved and cherish in the world more than any other.
"…I wanted her to be the one..."
As her breathing arrived in disjointed sessions, Rhajat discovered her face and palms had become saturated with a thin layer of sweat; no doubt a symptom from her unexpected, explosive display. And from her mother's shocked expression, they clearly didn't anticipate it either.
It should have been cathartic to channel the anger and resentment that had developed during her adolescence into one swift, calculated verbal assault upon her parent. She should have felt something – anything - after finally reprimanding her parent for their attitude and behaviour. But she didn't. Instead, she felt empty inside.
Rhajat hadn't realised she'd started crying until the palms that enveloped her face were treated to the trickling, wet sensation. What was wrong with her? Instead of controlling her temper like a rational human being, she'd unjustly assaulted her mother, the one person who'd offered the most encouragement and support following her separation. After everything she'd endured, Rhajat abandon the effort to remain in control and instead allowed herself to weep profusely. And after everything her mother had endured, they deserved to witness her in such a vulnerable state.
Percy's mother was right; she was a selfish, hurtful person.
Rhajat found herself frightfully starting at her mother once more following the gentle removal of her obstructing hands. From this exposed state, Rhajat allowed her mother to gently cup her cheek with one of her hands – an unexpected gesture Rhajat hadn't received in some time.
After such an onslaught of brutal words, Rhajat wouldn't've been surprised if her mother didn't offer her sympathy or forgiveness. But to her shock, they gently wiped the lingering tears from cheeks with their thumb.
"You have so much anger. So much self-hatred. Why?"
Rhajat forcefully removed herself from the embrace. "Why do you think I hate myself? I destroyed the only positive thing that's ever happened to me! The one and only person who has ever truly embraced and accepted me for who I am, and I accuse of them of being untrustworthy and unfaithful. How do you think I feel?"
"I know what it's like to experience-"
"No, you don't" interrupted Rhajat, "why do you insist on repeating that? You have no idea-"
Rhajat abruptly hesitated form continuing. It was only after her accusation was she reminded who she was speaking to, and how disrespectful it was to accuse them of being immune to emotional pain. If there was one person who'd come to experience true pain and loss, it was her mother.
Before she could deteriorate into another state of tears from her most recent unjustified comment, Rhajat was ushered gently by her mother to remain calm and lower her voice.
"Be still" they whispered. "I don't resent you for speaking me to so fiercely. You have every right to be upset with me. You are not at fault."
"This is all my fault…!"
"No, it's mine."
Her mother's disturbingly ambiguous statement brought Rhajat to complete silence. Just what had they insinuated? How had it been her fault? She'd only spoken with Percy less than five times. She hadn't been the one to verbally assault and abuse him of misbehaviour. Before Rhajat could protest the statement, she watched them avert their gaze.
"I know why you detest me as passionately as you do; it's because I've always been the catalyst for the misfortune in your life. It's always been because of me. Your resentment and aggression – you inherited these qualities from me. I wasn't at all unlike you when I was your age. I too harboured an intense hatred for not just those in my life but myself, as well. I too did not believe I'd been presented a purpose in life, and the absence of any real support or guidance from my family certainly didn't improve or influence my sombre attitude towards the world."
Rhajat listened silently and attentively to her mother, wounded to witness this side of her usually calm and composed parent.
"I operated in a vicious cycle of pain and turmoil. I hurt people, whether I intended to or not. And just when I thought I'd atoned for my most recent transgression, I'd commit an even more atrocious act. I have committed some terrible crimes – things that I still regret to this very day."
Nyx hesitated before continuing. "…It was only a matter of time before I faced justice for my actions; a permanent solution, and one that I cannot escape or resolve." She slowly revealed her frail, youthful hands from beneath the desk and concentrated on them with intense dejection. "This is my curse. This is my punishment. I deserve it."
Rhajat stared breathlessly at her parent, desperately trying to evaluate and understand their confession. Due to her insatiable curiosity, Rhajat had inquired repeatedly during her youth about her mother's condition and how they seemingly never aged beyond a state of prematurity. She'd never received a conclusive answer, only reassurance from her parent that it had been the result of misbehaving – no doubt a fabricated, cautionary tale to instil obedience.
Rhajat had performed the research during her adolescence and discovered the curse her mother had been subjected to; they were doomed to remain in a permanent state of youth despite being several decades old. And as they'd described, the effects of the curse couldn't be reversed. Rhajat understood very well her mother had come to terms with her curse, but she never realised the intense hatred and self-loathing they suffered with, and hearing her mother speak so unforgivingly about themselves – declaring they even deserved to be cursed for eternity – had been extremely difficult to listen to.
"I almost hurt him too – and his family" whispered Rhajat anxiously, desperate to remind her mother they weren't the only who'd committed acts they'd regretted. "I…I could have seriously injured them…"
"But you didn't. Despite your anger, you still managed to preserve your humanity. You demonstrated the restraint and self-control that I only wished I could've possessed at your age, and for that I'm tremendously proud of you."
"You're…proud of me?"
"I am." Her mother smiled weakly. "So very proud."
After everything she'd done, Rhajat certainly didn't believe she deserved to be praised. In fact, her mother should be appalled with how she treated her ex-boyfriend.
"You must think lesser of me after what I've done now…"
"I don't. I could never think lesser of you."
Rhajat's renewed control of her emotions was faltering, emphasised by the return of her leaking eyes and trembling lips. "Not even after I pressured my boyfriend into performing sexual activities with me, and then accuse him of being hurtful and disrespectful?" The young woman brought her first down upon her thigh; it was only after a few seconds did the pain register with her. "What is wrong with me!?"
Her hand was immediately graced by her mother's own. "The first step to improvement is accepting what has been lost – as difficult as that may be." Nyx spoke firmly but sincerely. "What has happened has happened. If I could reverse time and alter this course – if I could change what has happened - you know I would, but I can't. How I wish I could turn back time and prevent this incident from ever taking place. But there is nothing anybody could have done to influence this outcome. There isn't another force at work conspiring against you. It was simply an unexpected, unfavourable turn of events." Her mother squeezed her hand gently. "Do you understand what I'm trying to say? You can't punish yourself for this."
Her mother's gesture was one she and Percy shared, and the familiar embrace hadn't provided any sense of relief or comfort. "I could have prevented it, though. If I hadn't threatened him, and accused him of misconduct…" She whimpered softly, "if I hadn't been consumed by my urges…"
"You were following your heart. I know your intentions were pure and sincere. You were doing what you believed was right."
Her mother's encouragement was definitely welcome but their words did not reflect at all how Rhajat felt nor did they offer any support or comfort. Rhajat knew the blame and responsibility fell upon her and solely her; nobody else could be held accountable. She hadn't been 'following her heart'; she'd acted upon her unnecessary doubt and suspicion and suffered the consequences for unjustified accusations. Her mother was right about one aspect, however; there was nothing she or anybody else could do to reverse the events.
"You're right. You've always been right."
Her mother's unexpected announcement caught Rhajat's attention, and she was greeted by her mother's despondent smile.
"I am not your real mother. I was not the one who brought you into this world, and I am ever so sorry this information had remained confidential for such a long period. You've always deserved to know. You and I mightn't be genetically related, but you should know that I have always loved and cherished you as if you were my own offspring. You aren't my…child, but you're still my daughter, and the young woman I always dreamed of raising."
After everything she'd done, a confession so beautiful was the last thing Rhajat. It was only after receiving it did Rhajat realise what her mother had professed had been something she'd always secretly yearned for: acceptance and approval. Her mother's words reflected her own sentiments on their relationship. Biologically, they weren't related, but they'd still been a perpetual, unyielding source of care, support and love; a mother figure. In spite of their differences – both physical and emotional – Rhajat had always considered them their true parent.
Such a confession was enough for Rhajat's emotional composure to collapse as she allowed her misery to consume her once again. "…Mother…"
Nyx smiled weakly. "It has been some time since you've called me that."
Before she could make a fool of herself by displaying her true emotions, Rhajat suddenly found her gaze obstructed by her mother's torso; the other woman had cradled her in a gentle embrace. Rhajat wept into her mother's shoulder, her desperate, mournful cries were muffled.
"I n-never meant to hurt him…!"
Rhajat released herself from the embrace, wiping the tears and sweat from her face anxiously. "He's everywhere – in everything I do! I can't endure a single moment without being reminded of him…and everything we shared…and everything I've done. I can't escape! I don't know what to do…"
Rhajat had found herself accessing her personal mental archive of memories more actively following the separation disturbingly frequently. It wasn't healthy, she acknowledged, but following the destruction of their relationship by her own hand, her memories were the only method of salvaging a time that once was. Even with minimal concentration, she could still hear his voice, exclaiming that he thought she was compassionate, beautiful and so many other wonderful things she'd never use to describe herself. It hurt to reflect on the positive memories. It hurt even more when she reminded she'd never be able to experience that joy again.
"If I may offer a suggestion" began Nyx with a weak smile, "there is something you can do. But it won't be without some difficulty."
If there truly was a way to escape her debilitating sorrow and remorse, Rhajat was more than prepared to do anything and everything. But her mother's subsequent suggestion and explanation was one Rhajat didn't anticipate, and one even she didn't think she could accept.
My hands are tied, my body's bruised / She's got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away / I can't live with or without you