L-O-N-E-L-Y.

That is how I feel without Jackson.

I get so lonely
Can't let just anybody hold me
You are the one that lives in me, my dear
Want no one but you

Sittin' here with my tears
All alone with my fears
I'm wonderin' if I have to do
Withoutcha
But there's no reason why

I feel asleep late last night
Cryin' like a newborn child
Holdin' myself close
Pretendin' my arms are yours
I want no one but you

Lonely.

The problem with that word, or feeling, if you will?

I felt that way with Matthew as well.

I have all the people I need in my life, I now have Jackson, but I feel so lonely without him. No, I am not clingy or anything, but I am just lonely without him when he isn't around for days on end. I don't know why that is, but I am just one lonely bitch without him.

I, April Kepner, can be very introverted and may seem like a bit of a loner without Jackson by my side. With Jackson, I tend to be a rational and logical thinker. I sometimes have the ability to make decisions without letting any of emotions get in the way when it comes to him, and that has never happened before. When it's the two of us together, the both of us enjoy pondering about anything and will analyze everything, even when are just watching TV or lying down on the grass, under the moonlight and the many, many stars. It's great to think that he will always, most likely, hold unconventional views about people and life because we're so detached from everyone else.

Even though I am still shy on the outside around him at times, I am able to be free with him. As soon as people mess with me, I tend to stay away because Jackson Avery's claws will come out. He simply refuses to let people take advantage of me. It's so wonderful because he just lets me be plain old me. Any- Shit, did I just describe my life with Jackson by analyzing the traits of an Aquarian? I must be losing my damn mind.

Oh well.

The more time I spend with Jackson, I feel…complete. Would you call that love? Could you say that I am complete? Wholesome? I don't know myself, but I do find life a lot better with him in my life. I am thankful that he was able to fill the holes that Matthew burned in me, and to tell you the truth, life is amazing. You want to know how Matthew burned holes within me by being lonely? Let's starts.

Feeling so alone and deserted was how I felt whenever he neglected me. With people standing all around me and not knowing how truly toxic my relationship was with Matthew was, really did hurt me in ways I never anticipated. All that time that I was with him, I always asked myself: Should I trust someone? Should I stay off to myself? Alone with no one to talk to….It's such a helpless feeling

Resentment (at least on my part) occurred when he would approach me with the preconception of how I was supposed to be, or turn out. When I didn't meet his expectations, he became disappointed and disillusioned. Since I was never allowed to tell him how I wanted to turn out for the sake of our relationship, it felt difficult to breath in that relationship. He'd expect me to be more responsible than he is, which left me... emotionally wounded.

Lack of communication always hurt too. I was only allowed to follow orders like a mangy mutt while he had the time of his life ordering me around. Whenever I wanted to talk to him about something important, I was told that I had no privileges to speak. Can you believe that? I always felt like a child, and that was the worst feeling in the world. I hope his prostate falls out one day.

It sucked that I was only allowed to be empathetic and compassionate with him and only him. I couldn't even be alone by myself when I needed alone time. I had to be co-dependent on Matthew, which was really uncomfortable. Basically, I had to fall out of love with myself, and looking back at it, that hurt.

What's strange about all of this, is the fact that I let myself go, and the Taurus people (like myself) would've been pissed for allowing that to happen. I wasn't practical, I compromised a lot, and I was always insecure. I was too patient with life, just waiting for something to happen. I was irresponsible and lived for the complications. Gee, it sucked to be me in...that ordeal. Who was that person and what the fucked to the April Kepner that Jackson helped me rediscover? So many questions are flowing through my head, and I don't have a lot of answers at all.

Shit, that really sucks.

Then again, life does suck at times.

It's strange talking about Matthew in any capacity because it seems like I am desperate for his companionship, however I am not. It's crazy because thinking about my situation with Matthew takes me to a place of loss. That loss could be something along the lines of having lost a lover, wanting him back, and dreaming of the time when the dream is fulfilled. It's just too much.

For all the bad things that happened with Matthew, at least Jackson helped me come back to the light that was dimmed for quite sometime. With Jackson…..I never looked deeply at the pain from my past, never tried to understand that pain and work it through. It was a journey I had avoided. But one I now had to face, and I am happy that he is there to guide me through it all. So what if we have a few fights along the way? At least he never calls me out my name on purpose. Actually, he's never called me out of my name before, so that...that's definitely a plus. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, loves Jackson, and it got to the point where even I got jealous.

Yes, I was jealous.

That is not a good look on me at all. It's not his fault that he's handsome, but dammit, it's so hard knowing that I can be dropped or easily replaced by some no good, snot nosed little bitch. See, we went out to dinner just he and I, and this waiter was just drooling over him like he was a piece of meat. She gave me my drink without acknowledging me the way she should have (plus she gave me the wrong drink), then she proceeded to give Jackson her number, after he paid for the bill. What the fuck? I wanted to beat the bitch's ass, but luckily, Jackson reminded me that he will always come home to me.

One of my favorite past-times with Jackson you may ask? That is stupid simple, and it means everything to me.

Food

"Babe?"

"Yeah?" April says as she walks up behind Jackson, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Let's cook." Jackson says leaning back into April.

"What do you want to cook?"

"How about Shrimp Scampi with Cherry Tomatoes?" Jackson asks.

"Sounds delicious." April responds as Jackson turns around in April's arms.

"Ok, what do we need for this meal?" April asks as she fills a pot with water.

"The recipe calls for: 3 1/2 tablespoons salt, 1 pound bucatini, spaghetti or fettuccine, 3 tablespoons olive oil, 2 cloves garlic, minced, 2 shallots, minced, 1 pound cherry tomatoes, sliced, 1 tablespoon paprika, 1 teaspoon chili flakes, 1 cup white wine, 1 cup heavy cream, 1 pound large shrimp, peeled and de-veined, 1/4 cup chopped fresh chives, and 3 tablespoons of fresh parsley leaves, chopped." Jackson says.

"Whew, we have our work cut out for us." April says.

"Mm-hmm." Jackson hums in agreement. "Mm-hmm. Now, let's get to work."

After the couple gathered the necessary ingredients, Jackson grabs an apron and tossed it at April.

"What do we do first?" April asks as she puts on the apron.

"Well," Jackson starts as he puts on his own apron. "The first thing that we should do, would be to fill a high-sided skillet set over high heat with water. Add 3 tablespoons of the salt and bring to a boil. Add the pasta, and gently stir using tongs to make sure the pasta doesn't stick to itself. Cook the pasta for 12 to 14 minutes, and then drain."

"Ok." April says as she turns the stove on for the pot-filled water. She then adds some salt to the pot, grabs the uncooked pasta from the pantry and places it on the counter.

"Here's a timer, babe." Jackson says as he hands April the timer.

"Thanks." April says as she sets the timer. After she set the timer, she puts the cover on the pot.

"Good idea." Jackson says. "That way the water can boil faster."

"Yes, sir." April says. "Now, let's get to work on the veggies.

Jackson is currently standing directly behind April, holding her hand as they are slicing the tomatoes together.

April has goose bumps.

Good goose bumps.

'He really is different.' April thinks to herself as they are prepping almost finished prepping the veggies.

"This is amazing." Jackson says as he presses a kiss to April's cheek.

"Jackson, what's next?" April asks as she puts the pasta in the boiling water.

"In a large skillet set over medium heat, add the oil." Jackson read from the recipe. "I need a skillet."

April grabs one and places it on the stove.

"Thanks babe." Jackson says, rewarding April with a kiss.

"No prob."

Jackson adds some oil to the skillet, and turns on the burner.

"Ok. When hot, add the garlic, shallots, tomatoes and the remaining 1/2 tablespoon salt. Sauté until the onions are translucent, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the paprika and chili flakes, and sauté for 1 to 2 minutes. Pour in the wine, scraping up any bits on the bottom of the pan. Bring to a simmer. Add the cream and return to a simmer for 1 minute. Add the shrimp and cover with the sauce. Cook, stirring to make sure the shrimp cooks through, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the chives and parsley, and toss to mix. Serve the shrimp and sauce over the pasta."

"We've got this." April says.

"This looks very delicious, babe!" April says. "We did a good job!"

"We sure did." Jackson says. "Thank goodness for cooking shows.

"Cooking shows?"

"You didn't think that I could make scampi without a recipe from TV, did you?" Jackson asks.

"Shutting up." April says.

"Thank you Tia Mowry." Jackson says. "I'm going to grab two plates. I am hungry as fuck."

After both people feed each other from their forks, April and Jackson are cuddling on the couch.

"Man, that was good."

"It sure was. That was a good idea, Jackman."

"I'm full of them."

"We should do it again sometime, even if we almost neglected to drain the pasta, due to that fabulous slow dance, Apes."

April shuts Jackson up with a kiss.

Life

"What do you think about life?" Jackson asks.

"It's chaotic." April supplies.

"Proudest accomplishment?

"Earning my bachelors degree in visual communications."

"A future goal."

"Be married, and have a boring life, with kids."

"Peanut Butter or Peanut Brittle."

"Both. Why?"

"Because I need to know how you like it in bed." Jackson says, wagging his brows. "Life long wish?"

"To have immense health and strength."

"Song to sing in the shower."

"Hopelessly Devoted to You."

"Quote."

"It's Time To Duel!"

Jackson start laughing at April's favorite quote.

"You actually said it like Yugi Moto? I didn't know that you were that nerdy!"

"Hey!"

"Don't worry. I love it!"

"Your turn." April says.

"Lay it on me sexy."

"Color scheme."

"Red for power, Blue for all my loneliness, Black, and White for a balance of power." Jackson says earnestly.

"Food."

"Pepperoni pizza."

"Drink."

"Beer."

"Cartoon character."

"Bugs Bunny."

"Shoe."

"Nikes."

"Quote."

"Live for today because tomorrow isn't promised."

"First kiss."

"I had two kisses in the same day in the sixth grade, back in Drama class. I don't remember who was first."

"Pajamas?"

"I sleep in as little clothes as possible."

"Really, Avery?"

"Yup. You know this." Jackson teases.

"Life long wish?"

"My dream is to keep doing what I do best, have health and strength, and to do the best that I can until I pass away."

"DON'T SAY THAT!" April panics.

"Why not?"

"Because you saved me! I cannot imagine my life without you."

Jackson kisses April.

Late Night Phone Calls

"I've been waiting to hear your ring tone." April says as she picks up the phone.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I just missed you today." April says.

"I missed you more."

"Tell me about your day."

"It's not that interesting." Jackson supplies.

"Come on." April whines.

"I'll just give you a quick rundown. I overslept, got a cup of coffee at Starbucks, had two boring meetings, sat through a shit ton of paperwork, got home at around 11:45, hoped in the shower, and now I'm in bed at 12:15 in the morning, eating pizza with a towel wrapped around my waist, talking to a hot girl who is a diamond in the rough."

"And this hot girl….?" April teases.

"You might not know her at all, but I'll tell you about her. This hot girl's name is April. You know, I met her this morning when I was at Starbucks."

"Was she the one that you got coffee for?" April smiles. "The one with the velvet red hair, brown doe-like eyes, who is small, cute and nerdy?"

"That's the one." Jackson confirms. "She seems nice. I also heard that she has a boyfriend?"

"She does?"

"Yup. His name is Jackson Avery."

April starts laughing.

"You're crazy!"

"I love you." Jackson says in a sing-song type of voice.

"I love you more."

At least I am honest with him when I tell him that I am lonely without him. Sure, he is confused when I say that to him, but when I explain it to him, he understands which is so great. For example, one time I hadn't seen him for three weeks because of his new at Sony Music . It was strenuous because he works early in the morning and comes home late, and with my job as an advising director at a graphic design place called Studio Number One, spending time together is hard because most times when we are just sitting and talking to one another in bed, one of us always passes out.

It's one of the things that I like about Jackson. I don't have to try so hard to impress him because he allows me to talk to him about any an everything that I feel. I have my own opinions, which makes me happy. When I look at Jackson, I see a future that I am proud of and I can't wait to live that future with him. He encourages me, supports me, but most of all, he is there for me, even when he doesn't have to be there. The advice that he gives me, even when I don't know that I need it, but use it, is pretty damn good too. It's a long the lines of "Don't let anybody tell you what you can or can't do. If they try to do so, shut that down automatically. I guarantee they'll all fall in line and back off."

With that being said, here is my final and permanent goodbye to Matthew Taylor. When you look back on love do you think of us? I hope you don't at all. When it's all said and done is it all enough? Obviously, you are going to figure that out on your own. When you weigh the loss to all you've gained, tell me does it all add up? It added up to you and all your favors, but you've gained something in return, a loss of a good woman. When you look back on us, would you call that love? I hope you don't because you are toxic as fuck.

Fuck you, fuck your family, fuck your stupid scarves, fuck your hairstyle, fuck your face, fuck your suit, fuck your shoes, fuck your car, fuck your parents, fuck your grandparents, fuck your sister, fuck your brother, fuck your dog and fuck your family business! I found someone better who treats me like I am the damn world, and I am able to give him that too. I hope you shape up and treat the next woman with respect. Thank you for showing me that I can do a lot better than you. I am forever grateful for that.

I am in a very respectful and loving relationship, so being with you….I just enjoy my sense of freedom. I hope you find a place to say that you actually find and love someone with all of your heart. We can't go back to who and where we were, and I am over the moon because of that. We can't undo what's done, and frankly I couldn't live life like that again. A place to rest your head, I hope you find one because no one wants to be alone or lonely. I forgive as you forget too much, but seriously, would you call our past love? I think not.

Things have been going so well with Jackson that I don't want to deal with you. Honestly, I never want to deal with you ever again. But, as Freud said, "Our beds are crowded." When I am with Jackson, I-I'm not alone. Granted I feel alone when he's gone for days on end, but I'm his compass, and vice-versa. There's this phantom of you there, and that phantom has the haunts of this prior relationship, and, well, I-I can't pretend you're not a part of me. Like Mariah Carey said in her song Always Be My Baby, you'll always be a part of me. So, goodbye Matthew Taylor. Jackson Avery is twice the man you are and more, which makes me happy to wake up in the morning knowing that he is a good man with morals.

PS: Jackson proposed to me a few days ago after dating for the better part of 2.5 years. Would you call that love?