#7) Random Naruto crossover with Monogatari plot bunny attack~!
"Ah, hello there, Araraga-san."
"Hachikuji, no matter how much you keep stuttering, you'll one day run out of word choices and will have to say my name correctly. Until then, I will repeat this and say that my name is Araragi."
I pick Hachikuji's petite body off of the ground and throw her into the air. She slacks her muscles and went with the flow, backpack and all.
"Sorry, I didn't stutter-"
"Of course you didn't, you did it on purpose."
I catch her on her way down and she tells me the shocking news.
"-I actually bit my tongue~!"
"It wasn't on purpose?!"
"Yup!"
She sticks out her tongue. How can a single being be so adorable? I think I might've turned a bit more deviant because of that action. It's decided, I will keep on carrying her until I bring her home. No, until time itself ends! Or at least, until my arms get tired.
"But anyways, what seems to be the occasion today? You're not riding your infamous bike right now so it must be something big, right? Right?"
Is my bike really infamous? Well, it did build up a reputation by being able to dent a light pole. Only three people, including me, saw that one occurrence, though. Then again, I'm the only person I know to ride a bike. Does that make me special? Does that make me more special than everyone else who whittles away at their pitifully short lives walking on their two legs?
"I sent my bike to a repair shop. It should be fixed up in a couple of days, according to the guy."
"Really? You've got to take care of your belongings more, you know."
I resent that. I'll have you know that the bike and I are bounded together forever. We're like two inseparable magnets, always attracting back towards each other even if removed. There's no way I wouldn't take care of my soulmate; my beloved bike.
For that comment, I threw her into the air again and again and again. She cackled like a maniac; a cute, elementary school girl shaped maniac.
"So are- you free- to hang out- with me?"
"It would seem like it. What do you want to do? Tsukihi-chan, my cute little sister, bought a game last week that we can play."
I catch her once more and stop throwing her. It's not because my arm was getting tired or anything silly as that. It's because she's hard to understand if I keep throwing her up and down.
"Eh, really? A fun game?"
"Yep, Tsukihi-chan and Karen-chan plays it all night, every night. It's bound to be fun. You interested?"
She perks at the mention of fun. Since her only form of entertainment is walking around town aimlessly and endlessly, listening listlessly to road talk and gossips, I guess that anything else would be a blessing; even if it means that she'll follow a strange man to his home to get said "entertainment." Not that I'm strange or anything.
"I'll even get you some snacks; popcorn, pudding, ice cream, candy-"
"Careful, Senpai, you're starting to sound like a pedophile baiting in a target."
A voice cuts in as I give Hachikuji a strong push to convince her to come to my lair, no wait, I mean my house. I clamp my mouth shut, making an audible clack with my teeth and tilt my head sideways to see who had spoken. Within my hands, I feel Hachikuji do the same.
My vision latches on to a blonde, twin tailed figure riding a bike at a leisurely pace. She is gazing in my direction so our eyes met, her blue to my dark brown. A moment passes by before she looks away and puts her sight back to the road she's peddling on. One of her hand leaves her bike's handle to give me a small wave.
"Hmm? A friend of yours, Araragi-san? She's right you know."
I shake my head in a negative manner for the first comment and some more for the second. There's no way I, someone who's holding and cradling an elementary school girl within my arms, could look like a lolicon. Before she gets too far away, I catch sight of the book bag on the luggage rack and the name tag attached to it.
After a moment, I turn away and give the girl in my hands my full undivided attention again. She's giving me a stare that I can't quite make out.
"Hey, Hachikuji. You know I'm not a lolicon, right?"
"We'll decide that after you let me down."
My arms suddenly felt very tired under her deadpan.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Araragi's Room-
"Uzumaki Naruko-san? Yes, I know of her. Why do you ask, Araragi-san?"
As always, I went to Hanekawa, my beloved information expert, to gather some intelligence after splitting up with Hachikuji. In the end, Hachikuji and I decided not to do anything at my house. The reason for it being if any of my family members were to see me having a self only party, I would look even more pitiful than I am now.
"Just curious. I met the person yesterday while talking to Hachikuji. She came out of nowhere and called me a lolicon before leaving."
"Did she have a reason for calling you a lolicon?"
Though Hanekawa's tone through the phone is plain sounding, a shiver runs up my spine. I decide, for my own safety, to tell her nothing.
"...Nothing comes to mind-"
An image of me lovingly throwing and catching Hachikuji passes by and kicks my conscience. Quickly, I must change topics before Hanekawa gets the quiff of fear from my voice!
"-Anyways, about Uzumaki-san!"
"About Uzumaki-san, hmm, where should I start?"
Unlike most other occasions, Hanekawa couldn't give me an exact answer and has to think about her reply to my request. Curiously, I ask her about it.
"Where to start? I don't need to know everything about her, Encyclo-kawa-san, just the interesting bits."
"Interesting bits? That really doesn't narrow it down."
She said it like she would of something that's caught her interest. Knowing Hanekawa, whatever catches her interest is bound to be strange in some sort of way. Because of that, the picture of Uzumaki Naruko within my head starts filling itself up with a bizarre color scheme.
"She's sounding like a colorful person already."
"Rather than colorful, I'd call her convoluted."
I blink. That's rare. Hanekawa almost never calls anyone anything that could even imply a derogatory note to the person of topic. Uzumaki Naruko's color scheme begins to change again, switching from the rainbowy chaos it was before to a uniformed mess of blue, yellow and orange.
"Convoluted?"
"Yes, besides what's on her student records, most of everything that I know about her are half facts and rumors."
"Like what?"
Hanekawa takes a deep breath on the other side of the phone. I brace myself for the incoming wave of information.
"The more plausible ones are: one, she's a super delinquent, capable of crushing a hundred gang members on her own. Two, she's a super genius who skips school out of sheer boredom. Three, she's a super hero who skips school to do good deeds, ranging from helping grandmas across the street to saving kittens from tree branches to rescuing maidens from burning buildings. Four, she's a super young looking martial artist who's only enrolling to school to look for a worthy disciple, but skips afterward due to having her expectations failed her."
I took a moment to take that in. Many retorts pop up within my mind when my brain finally process through all of what Hanekawa just told me.
"...You're right, that sounds ridiculously convoluted. The only things that stayed the same was her continued abstinence from going to class and the word super. Why does that word appear so much anyways? Is that her catchphrase or something?"
"According to rumors, no, that's not her catchphrase. That is just how people tend to describe her if she's the topic of a conversation."
Really? She's starting to sound like a badly made manga character from one of those cliche and long forgotten works.
"That's how people describe her? She sounds more like a disaster of a character in the making than anything super... Hey, Hanekawa, how come I've never heard of any of those rumors? I would definitely have remembered someone like Uzumaki Naruko if I hear about her but I didn't know anything about her until today."
I ask my informant a question that popped up in my mind a little while ago, along with my retort. Hanekawa said earlier that Uzumaki Naruko is a person who's surrounded her identity in rumors; a person who is famous enough to have multiple rumors going on about her at the same time. If that is so, even I, a person who almost never interact with others outside of his small group of friends, should at least have heard of her in the passing.
"That's not very surprising. You usually keep to yourself so it takes time for rumors to get to your ears if I never tell you."
That's completely true. I rely on Hanekawa for almost everything informational. In fact, it wouldn't be far off to say that I would probably be a hermit if it wasn't for Hanekawa. Saying that I'm a loner who knows nothing if not for Hanekawa is not enough, it would better be said that I'll die knowing nothing if not for Hanekawa.
"The rumors surrounding Uzumaki-san all started around the the beginning of this month, when she moved into town from another country and first transferred into class 2E of Naoetsu Private High School."
Ahhhh, so she continues to rack up her cliche counts; the amazing foreigner girl transfer student underclassmen who's shrouded in mysteries. I wonder if the person herself is keeping on her body a list of cliches that she needs to cross off. Does me taking notice of her cross off another cliche? I am proud to say that I could make a very good main character for her to cast with.
"...She managed to get this much attention in less than a month?"
"I wouldn't get anything out of lying to you Araragi-san."
Well, I supposed you wouldn't. It's not like you would be able to find enjoyment in tricking someone who's completely ignorant about something and making them go through life thinking that your lie is the truth. No, the saint like, all knowing Hanekawa wouldn't do something like that at all.
"I don't know everything. I only know what I know."
"Did you read my mind?!"
"No. You said that last part aloud Araragi-san."
Oh? Did I?
"Yes, you did."
"I definitely didn't say that last part aloud!"
"I made a conjecture to guess what you would think of next and succeeded."
To be able to predict my thoughts, as expected of Hanekawa. I'm getting sidetracked though.
"Hey, Hanekawa. You said before that you only know Uzumaki-san mostly through rumors, right? From what you do know of the person herself, how true are those rumors?"
"I can't really say... I've met her once, in the passing, and she caught my eyes. With only that as evidence, I can't make an accurate judgement but those rumors might have more than a small grain off truth."
Again, Hanekawa gives an uncertain answer to my question. I hear a hint of skepticism in her voice and put it off as her worrying about her reputation as "all knowing" with me. Don't worry, Hanekawa. Even if you were to tell me that I can access a treasure chest by jumping off the cliff of death at the mountain of doom, I would still jump no matter what!
"All tall tales have some truth to it... probably. Even monsters are real, after all, there's no certainty that such a cliche character wouldn't show up."
"That's true... Araragi-san, how far are you on your homework."
Out of nowhere, Hanekawa lightly pooch upon a rather forbidden topic. My eyes dart towards my book bag, the one sitting so innocently at my desk, and I lick my lips, preparing my repertoire of lies and half-truths that I prepared for these kind of moments.
Why would I need it, one would ask? It's obviously because I didn't touch it so much as I touched a certain game controller waiting for a player downstairs.
"My... dog ate it."
-Flashback Scene: Transition to Naoetsu Private High School-
Following up on the strange story of the rooftop flowers that Senjougahara's told me about, I find myself climbing the side of the school building to get to the top. Logically speaking, an action like this is going overboard. Since my curiosity is getting the best of me however, I'm willing to be a bit illogical about my actions.
"Senpai, that's super dangerous, you know."
A random blonde girl with twin tails make a sudden appearance to talk to me. She is, of course, doing this logically and is merely sticking her head out the window above the one I'm climbing on.
"I think so too but in order to lessen the burden of a certain girl I've aided in the past, I'm willing to risk my safety to make it to the top of this school's rooftop. My soul as a man demands that I take the swiftest course of action!"
I tell her my truthful reason... Well, not really. It does sound better than saying that I'm curious about what's up on the rooftop though.
"You certainly make it sound heroic."
"I know."
She completely bought into my truthful reason without any questions and wave at me as I climb pass her.
"Well, best of lucks then, Senpai."
Saying this, she pulls her head back into the school and close the window. I muse at the strangeness of that action. As far as I know, no windows in this school is openable.
"Still, to leave me hanging without even a word of discouragement..."
I sigh between grunts as I push myself up another level. This school, how many floors does it have?!
"You're wrong. As your junior, it's my responsibilities to help my Senpai to the best of my ability. If you feel that my encouragement is inadequate, then I will help you more actively."
Once again, the blonde girl who calls herself my junior sticks her head back out of a window above me. This time however, she does more and actively stretches out the window to grasp my my right hand, the one that's closest to her reach.
"Eh?!"
Then, in a feat that completely defies logic, she pulls me upwards into the window with her. Not in the typical hefting me up manner either but in the manner of literally swinging me out from the wall and then pulling me in when my body's reached her eye level.
"Come on, Senpai. I got the keys to the rooftop from the teacher. We can go up there now."
Setting me down with her one arm hold, she flashily pulls out a ring of keys from her pockets with her other hand.
Eh? When did you get that? Did you have them since the beginning? Ah, you're walking away. Wait up~! I have too many retorts coming to my mind right now, let's just follow her for the time being.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Araragi's Room-
"I remember now, I did meet her before? Huh, did I? I could've sworn I've only meet her just yesterday... did I forget? Could that just have been my overactive imagination?"
Opening my eyes from the dream, I recall the memory of a few weeks past. Though I had said to Hanekawa last night that Uzumaki Naruko's someone who I wouldn't forget after meeting, I ended up forgetting her. What a failure...
"Ah, Nii-chan's awake already? Good! Get down for breakfast then, I don't want to wait like usual!"
In the middle of my self-evaluation session (completed with me taking a "The Thinker" pose), my littler sisters kick in my bedroom door. Karen stays at the edge of the smoking door frame with her leg extended outward while Tsukihi peeks out from behind her big sister with what looks suspiciously like a nailed baseball bat.
"I'll be downstairs in a moment after I change."
To the sudden and not very subtle threat of violence, I give the obvious and only answer available. Karen lowers her leg while Tsukihi hides the nailed baseball bat behind her back. The two stare at me for a moment, as if not understanding my answer, before smiling brightly.
""Hurry up, Nii-chan!""
They say this together in an eerie synchronization and run down the hallway to the stairs quickly afterwards. I look at my bedroom door, one that's slowly falling off from it's hinges, and sigh lowly. Well, time to get ready for school.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Street Going to School-
"So you have met this Uzumaki Naruko before but you didn't remember the meeting until today? Perhaps you taking a beating from Kanbaru dropped your brain's low IQ even more. That's a shame, I've wasted so much time tutoring you too."
I happened to have caught Senjougahara on the way to school and the both of us decided to walk together for the rest of the way. Since we weren't talking about anything much, I start on a conversation the first topic that came to my mind; Uzumaki Naruko.
Of course, talking about another girl to your girlfriend is a big no no. I was rewarded with a venomous answer that pierced my heart. Thanks to the remnants of my vamperic healing, I managed to recover quickly and walk straight again.
"Is something wrong?"
I take a look at the girl walking with me after recovering to see that she's contemplating. She flicks her gaze towards my direction and tells me
"Not anything your decrepit brain can understand."
Like that, my heart shatters again. Oi, shouldn't I get a heart that's stronger every time it's put back together? how come it's so fragile!
"The person named Uzumaki Naruko, how would you describe her appearance?"
Ooh~! As expected of the cliche manga character; to catch my girlfriend's interest without even a first meeting. It's too bad that you're both girls... no, I should be thankful that you're both girls. I don't need any competition in this one man contest for Senjougahara's heart. If anyone shows up, I might just lose. Rather, I will probably lose.
"What she looks like? Well, blonde haired, twin-tailed, lightly tanned, blue eyes and wearing our school's uniform. Oh, she also has an orange bike. Why do you ask?"
I list out the traits that I remember from Uzumaki Naruko to Senjougahara and she nods in agreement to something while looking straight ahead. At my question, she suddenly take three steps forward to get in front of me and turns to face me. Her left hand rises up as she points at something behind me.
"I asked that because we've just crossed a light pole being climbed by a blonde haired, twin-tailed, lightly tanned girl wearing our school's uniform."
I blink blankly, taking a moment to absorb the meaning of the words spoken before twisting my body dangerously fast so that I can fully scan the road I've passed by. Surely enough, the figure of one blonde haired, twin-tailed, lightly tanned girl focuses into my vision.
She is, in a feat that seems to defy gravity, hanging off a light pole at a perpendicular angle using the main body of the pole and her feet; one foot is pushing towards the pole while the other is hooking around and pulling forward from behind the pole. With her body straight and arms extended upwards, she calmly unwraps a balloon that got stuck near the bulb.
"It'll be faster if you twist the end first and then push it out rather than pulling on it like that."
I merely stare at the scene for a while as the blonde girl continues to undo the complex knot that the balloon's tied itself into. Senjougahara thought differently though and calls out to give the girl unknotting advice.
"Like this?"
"No, twist it the other way."
"Hmmm, like this?"
"Yes, until it starts to bunch up. Push it out now."
"Oh, this works pretty well."
"Of course, now for the next knot, you should-"
Just like that, time passes by where Uzumaki Naruko unties a balloon at bizarre height, Senjougahara advises and I stare back and forth at the aforementioned girls. The two seems to settle themselves into a comfortable relationship of manager and worker quickly enough and the knot is unties in rapid succession few minutes after.
"There we go!"
Untying the last of the knots that challenged her, Uzumaki Naruko holds up the balloon in a victorious manner before sliding down the pole. Once she's a meter or so off the ground, she loosens her leg from the pole and bounce to the ground. With another bounce, she turns to my direction and rush towards the person standing next to me.
"Thanks, Senpai's girlfriend, Senjougahara-san. I owe you one."
Braking a feet away from Senjougahara, Uzumaki Naruko grabs my girlfriend's hand with the hand not holding the balloon and shakes it vigorously. After four lively shakes, the blonde lets go and races off in the direction Senjougahara and I came from, balloon billowing behind her in a cape like fashion.
I watch her dissappear by running off to the morning sun for a few seconds before turning back to the girl next to me. Senjougahara's uncharacteristically being silent and is focusing on the hand that was shook by Uzumaki Naruko. Oi, could this be? Is Senjougahara unlocked as a route for Uzumaki Naruko?!
"...Her hands is incredibly smooth."
Safe! Phew, for a moment, I thought Senjougahara's fallen into a path of no return.
"Moving on, Araragi-kun, why did she specifically point you out as her senpai?"
Arg, friendly fire! Don't turn those accusing eyes at me, Senjougahara! We've only been going out for two weeks, there's no way I'll have enough courage to cheat on you already! No, rather, I don't have enough charm points invested in my stats to cheat on you anyways!
-Colored Scene: Transition to Naoetsu Private High School-
"Ah, hello there Araragi-senpai! It is I, your most beloved underclassmen, Kanbaru Suruga! ...Eh? What's with that pose? Did I surprise you that much?"
Fractionally lowering my arms which I've raised from the moment I heard the word "senpai", I see the face of a mildly bewildered Kanbaru. She blinks at me and wave a hand in an, "I come in peace" gesture. I blink at the action and fully lower my guarding arms. Good, it isn't Uzumaki Naruko, coming to finish the job that she sent Senjougahara to start this morning. No, unless...
"Hey, Kanbaru, did Uzumaki Naruko ever triggered any flags with you?"
Once again, Kanbaru blinks.
-Colored Scene: Time Skip/Exposition-
"I see, hum, hum, so that's what happened."
Nodding her head to my story, Kanbaru leaps up from her seat beside me to takes three steps to stand in front of me. With her left hand pointing at herself and her right patting me on my shoulder, she proudly declares-
"Don't worry, Araragi-senpai, even to an otherworldly beauty like Uzumaki-san, Senjougahara-senpai, and by extention, I, will never betray you!"
What you just said, that doesn't make me few even a slight bit better. Don't admit that Uzumaki Naruko is an otherworldly beauty, you're making me lose even more self-confidence in my chances! And don't refer to yourself as an add-on gift either; it sounds like you're ready to betray me at any time now!
"I won't you know~"
"Mind reading?! No, wait, I spoke aloud again, didn't I?"
"Yup!"
Giving my shoulder one last reassuring pat, Kanbaru takes a seat next to me again. She pulls out a carton of milk and a bagged sandwich from her skirt pockets before eating it. I follow her example and pull out the food I bought from the cafeteria as well.
"So anyways, why are you interested in Uzumaki-san?"
"Interested?"
After a few moments of silence and eating, Kanbaru brings up a point that I too have wondered about for a bit. Turning to my underclassmen, I open my mouth and honestly speak my mind.
"I don't know."
Whether it was because of her rumored eccentricity, the memory I have of her helping me, or the short moment we've had in the passing the day before, I don't know why I'm fixated on the blonde haired, twintailed, lightly tanned girl.
"Hmm, you give the same answer as her classmates too."
"Her classmates?"
My ears perk a bit. Did Kanbaru asks about how Uzumaki Naruko is thought of with her classmates?
"Yeah, for someone who's come to school a number of times that can be counted in one hand, she's pretty popular."
The confirms the rumors of her being a delinquent, in the school skipping sense.
"You speak like you haven't met her yourself."
"I personally have never met Uzumaki-san before, that's true."
Kanbaru easily admits that the girl she complimented as an"otherworldly beauty" is someone she's never been acquainted with before. Please, don't be so non-nonchalant with my self confidence. Now I'm worried again! What if Uzumaki Naruko really is like a "collect all harem members" cliche character? Then what?!
"But now I'm curious. What is Uzumaki-san like, if she's caught your attention."
Kanbaru chomps down the last remnants of her lunch and tosses to the trashcan it in a basketball player like way. I finish mine at the same time as well and chucks it underhandedly to the same trash can. Above us, the bell system blares, telling the students that lunchtime is about to end.
"Well, I'll be going now, Araragi-senpai. Have a nice day!"
"Yeah. See you around, Kanbaru."
Nodding with a resolute "Un," Kanbaru races off to the stairway that leads to her floor and class. I pick myself up and slowly make my way to class as well. As I walk, Kanbaru's question of why I'm interested in Uzumaki Naruko echoes through my mind.
Really, why am I so interested in Uzimaki Naruko?
-Colored Scene: Transition to Eikou Cram School-
"When you can't talk to the person and only think of them from afar, when you can't get them out of your mind, when you are speechless with they're presence nearby, Araragi-kun, isn't that called love? Did something good happen? Are you finally regaining your intensity as a human?"
Standing in one of Eikou Cram School's abandoned rooms, I face Oshino with the hopes that he might know something. Even if it isn't supernatural in nature, he's shown himself to be an incredibly deductive person. I now glare at him with my best impression of a mad Senjougahara.
"I know I told you to collect stories for me but a love story is no good, you know. I'm more into the horror and mystery genre."
"Oi, Oshino."
Hearing my irritated voice, Oshino gives me a ruggedly cheeky grin. Waving his hand into the air in the universal sign of "I surrender", he shifts on his seat of desks and begin speaking.
"The thing you're talking about, it sounds like Charisma."
"Charisma? Rather than a cliche manga character, you mean Uzumaki Naruko is a cliche video game character instead?"
"Well, to an extent, yes. The one-off ability of Charm to attract and hold another's attention, to command them to willingly do any tasks within their ability, to obtain their obedience and various things like that."
Putting up three fingers and then giving up and waving his hand in the air, Oshino makes an attempt to list off the ability that ties in with Uzumaki Naruko. I process the sentence and blanch at the mention of Charm; the vamperic skill of making living dolls out of self aware humans.
"Isn't that a dangerous thing then?"
"No, not really. In the end, it's called a one-off ability because it doesn't make anyone do what they don't want to do. It's only a strong suggestion; a voice that must be heard."
I sigh in relieve to his reply. It made sense if I think about it so I should have known it was something along that line.
"Assuming that's her ability, do you think she's involved with an aberration?"
"I've never met the girl so I can't say neither yes or no for certainty. The ability itself is something that any living creature can imitate with enough natural talent, hence, the name that comes with it."
Oshino shrugs indifferently and smile his casually usual smile.
"Knowing you though, it might just be making four for four."
"Hmmm, thanks. I'm just going to leave this here."
I give him a flat look and dig into my book bag to pull out a paper bag that I toss in his direction. Shinobu, who's been sitting mutely in the corner the whole time, snaps her neck in attention to the newly introduced bag.
I turn my back as the blonde, immortal(?), pseudo vampire pounces Oshino for the treat inside the little paper bag with the printed logo of Mister Donuts. Oshino's cries and pleas for help went to deaf ears, much to my enjoyment.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Random Store-
"Oh? We meet again, Senpai. This is a pleasant surprise." With nearly no inflection to her voice, Uzumaki Naruko greets me before I knew she was anywhere near me. I stiffly straighten my back at the sound of her voice and rigidly turn around to see her lightly tanned face.
"Yo, Uzumaki-san-" She perks her head fractionally when I said her name. "-it's a rare coincident to meet you twice in one day. This is a surprise for me too."
She gives me an unnerving stare that lasted for what felt like a minute before shifting her gaze towards my shopping basket and the chips, pudding cups, ice creams, a Jump Magazine and a large bottle of soft drink within it. It's a bit of a splurge but I am planning on gifting these items to my sisters to appease them from when I used their snacks to bait Hachikuji into my house; Hachikuji didn't fall for it.
"Is it really?"
Uzumaki Naruko tilts her head to the side and cusp her chin with her hand; a pose that all thinkers would take upon contemplatively contemplating something worthy of being contemplated upon.
"I suppose that's true. I rarely go to school so the chances of meeting me decrease as a result."
She nods lightly, which sways her twintails noticeably. Her hair's almost as long as Tsukihi's. It actually reaches her lower thighs; that must cost a fortune to shampoo. I look over at her basket while my eyes were already wondering down.
...Whoa, I didn't know this store sold so many instant ramen brands. There's like, twenty different types in there. I look up at the girl again and she captures my gaze with her azure blue eyes.
"Are you hoarding up snacks for to last the year or something?"
She gives me a look of slight confusion. I questionably return her look of questioning with my own questioning look. After a while, she pulls the basket to chest level and cradles it in her arms; similar to how a mother would to her bundled up baby.
"This is my dinner for tonight."
Did I say mother to a baby? I must've been hanging out with Hachikuji too much and stuttered. I meant to say, "like how a freaking bear would to a fish it caught from a river."
"Isn't that a little too unhealthy?"
And way too much.
"I've been living like on ramen for a year now and I'm as fit as can be. In fact, I consider myself to be a lot healthier than any of my classmates and the average teens my age."
A flag has arisen! Shocking discovery found by teenage girl of age seventeen! Living on a ramen only diet is healthy?! Uzumaki Naruko-san, what planet to you live in? Are you an extraterrestrial who can survive off of junk food? Are you a super vampire who can live for eternity fasting on only Mister Donuts?
"I don't really like Mister Donuts. As you can see, I'm more of a ramen person."
"Mind reading?!"
"Ah, I said that aloud, didn't I? Don't mind me, Senpai."
She is somehow stealing my routine for this arc and corrupting it to follow her flow. I am feeling very depreciated. Is she stealing my status as a character? No way! Stop, stop!
"Don't worry, I'd never steal anything from Senpai."
Stop reading my mind as well! I'm definitely sure I'm not saying anything so why are you responding so evenhandedly? It's getting creepy! Only my beloved, living encyclopedia known as Hanekawa should be able to do that as a gag.
"Even if you think that ramen is fine, you should still have a better menu. Eating that much salt is not good for your body, no matter what you think otherwise."
"Of course, Senpai. I usually make homemade ramen and use ingredients that balances both taste and nutrition. I'm only stocking on these instant ones for today since I'm lacking in funds."
She is now cradling the basket of ramen. The basket FILLED with ramen. Oi, are you implying that you eat that much everyday? How's that any good for your body?
"Well, it's getting late so I'll leave first. Good night, Senpai."
Uzumaki Naruko bows her head slightly to me and goes to the cashier to check out her basket. After paying and getting her bag, she walks to the door to leave. As the automatic door opens, she pauses mid-step and turns back to me.
"Senpai, if you're looking to make up to your sister, I remember Karen saying how she'd like some plain vanilla ice cream after her daily training today. That one's also just not very good either."
Saying what she wanted to say to me, she leaves into the night. Within moments, she blends into the dark streets and disappears from my sight. How she did that with her bright yellow hair, I have no idea.
I turn back to the freezer section of the store to switch out the "Strawberry Pineapple Chocolate Supreme Super Surprise" ice cream I was preparing to buy for the more sensible plain vanilla. It's not even bothering me that Uzumaki Naruko might know my sister. One of the rumors about her is that she is a martial artist looking for a disciple, after all. I just hope that Karen will have a good life with Uzumaki Naruko. I'll go burn some incense later to wish for their happiness.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Araragi House-
"You met Naruko-san on the way? No wonder. An insensitive brother like you could never have correctly guessed what flavor I'd want."
"Ah, Karen-chan, forgive me~ I'll never use your snacks to bait little kids again~"
"Fanatical fanatic fanatically fascinates fascinatingly... I'm scared to let you out to society again after you said that."
"What's that supposed to mean."
"Absolutely nothing, I just felt like saying that."
Sitting on top of my sprawled body, Karen happily eats the vanilla ice cream that I've presented to her and Tsukihi. Speaking of Tsukihi, she left a moment ago with the bag of snack I brought home. Right now, she's probably debating over which one to eat first. Karen shifts on my back and puts a spoonful of ice cream up to my mouth.
"Want some?"
"Ahhhhhnnn."
I helpfully open my mouth in a wide manner for her to drop the scoop of ice cream into. It tasted delicious.
"Tsukihi! Are you done yet? I'm starting the game!"
"Play ahead without me! I'm having trouble deciding which one to get!"
"Remember to close the fridge when you're done then!"
"'Kay!"
Getting off of my prone body, Karen puts her ice cream on the table sitting beside me and goes up to the game station to turn it on. She grabs two controller and walks back to hand one to me.
"Want to play, Nii-chan?"
"Sure."
I get up from the floor that Karen's thrown me on and sit on one of the numerous chairs in the room. Karen takes a seat next to me after I settle down. She maneuvers the game screen and deftly open up the game she wanted to play for the night; a strange beat them up romance dating sim they've picked up from somewhere.
"...So, how'd you get to know Uzumaki Naruko?"
"I saw her in the park attempting to help a purse snatcher from the local police officer after subduing him. She ended up subduing the police officer too. It was a small fiasco that ended without the purse snatcher getting arrested after he apologized to the woman he wronged. I think his reason was for a sick relative. Apparently, Naruko-san took care of that too and made it on the headline of newspaper two weeks ago; the one about a woman's miraculous recovery from fatal conditions."
That's a pretty big reveal to say nonchalantly. It sounds exactly like something a manga character like Uzumaki Naruko would do for a filler chapter though.
"That still doesn't answer how you got to know Uzumaki Naruko."
"I helped explain to the police officer that Naruko-san didn't mean any harm when she stopped him; he was preparing to arrest her instead of the purse snatcher."
And the police officer accepted it? Japan's police department sure is loose on their regulations in when facing their sense of moral value huh? Nah, probably not. It's just because Uzumaki Naruko is a manga character. No manga character goes to jail unless its part of the punchline or is pivotal to the plot.
"Sounds like you had a fun time."
"Kinda, yeah. Naruto-san would make the strangest sounding argument to back up my support. My favorite is "the reason she got stolen from is because she keeps the mission objective inside such a obvious location. If she had hidden it properly, nothing would've had happened, therefore, it is not my fault or mister thief's fault but the woman's fault." The cop's face was priceless."
Karen is pretty talkative about Uzumaki Naruko, do I sense a crush? Time to cross-examine.
"She said she met you during your daily training today..."
"Yeah, I was doing some after-school running and met her on the way back home. She was riding her bike pretty slowly at the time so I managed to keep pace while talking a bit with her. We split up halfway when she said she wanted to stop by the convenience store to get dinner."
The story matches, I'll need to talk with Uzumaki Naruto about her future with my sister then. Damn, I'll also have to dig out Karen's diary and see when she's planning on confessing her undying love to Uzumaki Naruko. I should-
"You're getting distracted, Nii-chan!"
"What kind of move is that?!"
Seeing me planning for her future and capitalizing on the fact that I've got my mind on something else, Karen pulls off her character's hidden thirteen button smash combo to utterly destroy me.
"Onii-chan lost already? My turn next then!"
As the animation for my character's dying love shows on screen, Tsukihi walks into the room with a small bowl filled with the "Strawberry Pineapple Chocolate Supreme Super Surprise" ice cream that I ended up buying for fun.
I sadly hand her the controller and the two start having a match which would have made professional players feel ashamed for thinking they were any good. I watch my sisters as they get pump up while challenging each other in virtual mortal combat. I look at Tsukihi's bowl and steal a scoop of the "Strawberry Pineapple Chocolate Supreme Super Surprise".
I should have listened to Uzumaki Naruko's advice.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Random Road-
After regaining possession of my soulmated bike, I took it out for a spin to see if there's still anything left of the injury that it's incurred itself in its uncalled for challenge against a certain light pole. In the few moments that I've been riding my soulmate, I've started to rethink the act of walking altogether. Even if there's a time and place for everything, walking on our own two feet is just too inconvenient, bikes are the new evolution of mankind.
"""HAH!"""
I swerve for a moment at the physically powerful yell of many people. There was an honest shock wave coming from the impact of their voices. As if to argue against my earlier thoughts, the sound shakes my soul and sends shiver down my spine. Forget bikes being the evolution of mankind, we should stay as is if this is what it truly means to be human.
I punt my left feet down into the ground to regain my balance and stop moving forward a second later. Looking around while expecting to see an army of warriors clad in olden day armors, I instead catch an eyeful of delinquents practicing synchronize punches at the empty air in front of them.
"""HAH!"""
Standing next to the riverbed, dozens of fists fly forth followed by the sound of spirited, concurrent battle cries. The air shudder and for a moment, I saw a large, golden ashura statue appear behind the delinquents to give them a thumbs up.
"""HAH!""" """HAH!""" """HAH!"""
Continuously, the delinquents punch the air with absolute fury. Continuously, the air shakes and quiver at the power held in the delinquents' action. I stand at the upper edge of the riverbank's slope and watch with mesmerized eyes as the delinquents continue to train themselves.
I watch on for a few minutes before my tired leg pulls me out of my daze. The golden ashura statue disappears from my sight and the chill in my spine dissipates. I get off my bike and lean it against a nearby light pole before looking on again at the delinquents.
They're still going "HAH! HAH! HAH!" while punching the air. Their spirited cry lull towards me again but I knew better. I keep my wits to myself and refused to let my mind get pulled in by this coalescent of manliness. I turn my eyes away from the reappearing statue of ashura to look at anything else around the delinquents.
My eyes latch on to the next most noticeable thing sitting at the riverbank; a golden, twin-tailed head obscured by an oversized bowl. Already falling back on my increasing encounter rate with the golden twin-tailed head, I wasn't surprise when it was Uzumaki Naruko who sticks her head out of the bowl. The sudden miniature earthquake caused by her dropping the bowl and the almighty burp that rang through the riverbank did, however, surprise me.
As if her burp was a signal, the delinquents who were practicing their punches all increase their fighting spirit up to eleven and screams together in one glorious, unified "HAH!" before giving the world their final, thunderous, earth-rending punch.
"One thousand. Good job guys, take a break."
Uzumaki Naruko's voice ring clearly through the riverbank area. Her soothingly calm voice seems to have relaxed everyone immediately since the delinquents all drop their stance and fall to the ground like stringless puppets. As if they've just returned from a long and harsh training session, some wipe off the sweat on their body while others just lay sprawled out on the grass in utter exhaustion.
Uzumaki Naruko goes around these tired delinquents and pass out soft, fluffy towels and bottles of refreshingly cool looking water. The delinquents gratefully accept her gifts with heartfelt thanks whenever she passes by. Not one of them, despise being delinquents, did not show their gratitude to the blonde twin-tailed girl.
After distributing all the towels and water to the delinquents, Uzumaki Naruko takes a seat again next to the large bowl that she's left on the grass. She begins pointing at each delinquent and impart to them words I cannot hear. It probably is something wise and amazing though, since the group of delinquents were all faithfully taking note of her every word; more literally in some of the cases who pulled out a notebook to write in.
At this point, I'm obligated to cross out another line from the rumor list that Hanekawa gave me of Uzumaki Naruko. If I remember the words of the all knowing Hanekawa correctly, the only thing left unchecked from the list of rumors is her being a super genius.
"Uzumaki-san, what's eighty-seven to the third power?"
"It's six hundred fifty-eight thousand five hundred and three, Senpai."
"...I foolishly asked a hard question when I didn't know the answer to it."
"Don't worry, Senpai. It's definitely correct. I typed it on the calculator to get the answer."
Somehow finding myself close enough to talk to her with my indoor voice, Uzumaki Naruko pulls a handheld calculator out from nowhere and show the screen to me. It indeed says the number she told me just now. Just in case, I borrow the calculator and type in the number sentence again. The same answer shows up again when I hit the equal button. Well, that makes this completely meaningless. How else can I go about to see if she's a genius.
"I'm not a genius, Senpai. At most, I'd say I'm very average."
"That's exactly what a genius would say."
"No. A genius would just say that they're normal to save their breath. I'm not a genius because I'm only at most, average."
"To know how geniuses thinks and circumventing their outlying normality, wouldn't that make you some sort of super genius then?!"
Pulling back in mock shock, I get to see the sight of a confused Uzumaki Naruko. I say confuse but it's just her furrowing her eyebrows a little though. It still counts as a win for me when she's usually so expressionless! After a moment, she slowly nods her head in an understanding manner. My turn to be confuse comes since I'm not sure what she's understanding. Nothing I've said so far made sense.
She stands up from her sitting position and pulls the giant bowl to her sides while getting up. Turning towards the group of delinquents, she holds up the bowl and raps its edge. The bowl makes a deep gonging sound in response and all the delinquents gathers up to formation for Uzumaki Naruko.
"We'll be ending training early today since some of you were lacking in enthusiasm-"
There was a clamor of protests from the delinquents; some apologizing and begging the girl to not end training early while others look down at their feet in shame. I, standing behind her, look quizzically at her blonde head. Lacking in enthusiasm? These delinquents looked like they were preparing for war!
"-I know that some of you are under the weather, that is perfectly understandable. Go take a few days off. We will meet again next week, on regular schedule, for the next training session. Until then, take care."
Cutting them off like a slice of their protest is made out of butter, Uzumaki Naruko talks over them with a clear voice. Because she didn't raise her voice or change her infliction, I find myself surprise that any of the loud delinquents could've heard her. They all settle down as she finishes and gongs her bowl a second time. As one, they all bow their heads at a respectful forty five degree angle.
"""THANK YOU FOR YOUR TEACHINGS, UZUMAKI-SENSEI!"""
"Be good and stay healthy."
"""YES MA'AM!"""
Seeing that the delinquents have all said their farewells to her, Uzumaki Naruko turns her back to them and walks off, dragging me along with one hand. I follow the girl up the slope of the riverbank. It was only until I got to the top that I see the delinquents raise their heads from their stiff, uniform bows.
"Come Senpai, we need to hurry before the store closes down!"
"Uh, sure. Lead the way, I guess."
Hopping on to my parked bike and pulling me to sit on the bike rack, Uzumaki Naruko nonchalantly beckons me to hold on to her waist. Complying to the forceful invitation, I wrap my arms around the girl and is immediately pushed away. This action was not done by her though, it was done by the rush of wind she's built from peddling my soulmate.
I grasp her waist harder in an attempt to hold on and the girl takes it as an invitation to go faster. Pulling her body forward into a leaning position, she accelerates her peddling speed. The wind howls against her. The air flows against her. The very friction of the bike goes against her. Yet she still push on, one strong pedal at a time. All the while, I give her my very manly shrieks of (dis)encouragement.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Random Ramen Shop-
"Ah, Uzumaki, you're back to take on my quiz? Did you prepare your wallet this time for your inevitable defeat? I won't allow for another free trial."
"I'm confident that I'll pass this time."
Entering a mundane looking ramen shop, Uzumaki Naruko goes up to the only worker around and slaps a ten thousand yen note on the table he's wiping. I watch as they banter for a moment before the worker takes up the monetary bill and goes to the back of the store counter.
Uzumaki Naruko follows to take a seat on a stool on the opposite side of the counter. The worker pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to the blonde. As she is signing it, I lean over her shoulders to take a curious look at the content.
'I _ do hereby vouch to empty my pockets to the great Momofuku Ando, may his blessed soul grace this land for an eternity more, should the event of me losing to him happens. To this, I solemnly swear.'
It was a freaking contract! A shady contract too! A shady contract that Uzumaki Naruko signed without even a thought!
The man takes up the signed contract and nods appreciatively at the neat handwriting that belongs to the perfect manga protagonist, Uzumaki Naruko. He then raises his right hand into the air and speaks to her.
"I, Momofuku Ando, do affirm to this contract to do my part in giving one Uzumaki Naruko a fair trial. Should she pass my test with a score of high majority, in this case, two thirds, she will be acclaimed her prize to eat at my shop for free for the coming year. To this, I solemnly vow."
Though he says some serious sounding words, I can see that the man is not really believing any of it. The guy has on a conniving smile that just shows how assured he is of his victory.
Uzumaki Naruko seems undaunted by this and continues to seriously glare at the man. She is so concentrated that I am starting to see a battle aura around her. How incredible.
The man stands against Uzumaki Naruko's fighting spirit without budging an inch. Slowly, he narrows his eyes and opens his mouth to give her the first quiz question.
"First question, what is eighty-six to the third power!"
Mind reading?! No, wait, the question is off by a digit.
"It's six hundred fifty-eight thousand five hundred and three."
"...Che, learned from last time and brought a calculator with you, huh?"
Following the click of the shop worker's tongue, Uzumaki Naruko brings out a calculator with the answer on the screen. He clicks his tongue again and moves on to the second question. I, on the other hand, notice a small bit of misinformation that the two apparently missed.
Uzumaki Naruko, you typed in eighty seven to the third power again, not eighty six! I would know since I asked for that earlier! Ramen shop worker, you didn't know the answer either and you're trying to act cool!? Was I the only one who spotted that?
"Fine, second question! I am something nobody wants. I am something everyone has. I am made of wood. Dead bodies lay where I should. What am I?"
"I remember this from the last time you asked this question. The answer is a coffin!"
"Wrong, the answer is incense money."
"Wha-!"
Uzumaki Naruko puts on a completely shocked face while the worker has on a look complete triumph. I stare at the blonde girl in awe, and not the good way. That kind of question has too many open-ended answers! If you were to give him one he'd just chose another from the list of a dozen that he's got! The only way to top this kind of question is to throw out all the possible answers; something that I doubt anyone but the great Encyclokawa can do.
"Now, the last question, what is the capital of Nauru?"
"...Where?"
"Wrong. Kukuku, once again, you've lost, Uzumaki!"
"Guh, not yet! I won't give up until the very end!"
No, no. You've definitely lost already. There are only three questions and you already missed two. There's no way you can make a comeback now, the game's over, you know.
"I like your guts, very well! Fourth question-!"
Oh, so you're still going at it anyways? I'll just take a seat on this stool next to Uzumaki Naruko then. Don't mind me while I pour myself a cup of water from this nearby pitcher and watch the two of you have this farce of a challenge. Nope, don't bother with me then. Oh? Is this untouched bowl of ramen for me? Well, I don't want to bother you... but okay, I'll eat it, only because you've insisted, though.
Fourth question soon becomes fifth question and fifth becomes sixth and so on and so forth. As the two of them continue on, I continue to build on the amount of things I consume. Somehow or another, Uzumaki Naruko and I always find a bowl of steaming ramen in front of us to eat.
By the time the two of them were done with there little game of questions and riddles, I find myself with a debt of three large bowls of ramen. I touch my pocket and notice too late that my wallet is not there. I suddenly recall at this moment that I left it at home; having thought that I wouldn't need it on a short ride around with my beloved bike.
"Well, I'm full. How about you, Senpai?"
"I'm done too."
"In that case, we should get going. I'll see you later, Ando-san."
"Come back anytime, Uzumaki."
Uzumaki, pulling out an even more impressive feat then my eating of three large bowls of ramen, walks out of the shop while dragging me along, with a debt of nine large bowls to her name.
She didn't pay the shopkeeper anything and the man bids us off with a happy grin. Needless to say, I also didn't have a chance to talk to the man about the money payment for the food. To walk out of the store after devouring twelve bowls of ramen between us without paying, this confuses me as I walk to the bike rack with Uzumaki Naruko.
"Of course we paid, Senpai. Why did you think I gave him a ten thousand yen note when we first walked in?"
Settling on to my bike and staying still so that I can get on too, Uzumaki Naruko answers the question in my head.
"Eh? Wasn't that the test fee or something?"
"Of course not, why would anyone pay ten thousand yen to take that lousy quiz. It's common sense to not fall for such a farce, Senpai."
I am left speechless.
-Colored Scene: Transition to Araragi House-
"I'll see you later, Senpai. Have a nice rest of the day."
Bowing her head in the tiniest bit of an angle, Uzumaki Naruko bobs her blonde twin tails and bids her farewell greeting. For a person who has such foreign features, Uzumaki Naruko does not look out of place doing so.
I wave my hand to her as she raises her head. She nods and silently walks off. Like every one of our other meetings, I lose track of the girl after a while. Even when it is midday, even when there's no crowd, it's as if she disappears in plain sight.
I look at the direction she went and then down at my bike and the bag of to go ramen she's left with me. The bag of ramen is a mystery. Where she got the ramen, I have no clue; it just appeared somewhere along the way while she was biking me home. I do know one thing about the ramen, however. I don't want to eat it.
After consuming an abnormal amount of ramen with Uzumaki Naruko earlier, the idea that I'll have to finish this too causes me to become queasy. As I gingerly pick up the bag and look at it, there's an unsettling amount of convulsions happening in my stomach. These convulsions are telling me to not eat anymore of the salty (but admittedly delicious) food.
Split between saving it for later or tossing it now, I bring it into the house. I hear the television blasting off some reality talk show in the living room as I take off my shoes. An amazing idea hits my mind as I listen to the ambient noise. I can pawn this off to Karen or Tsukihi and earn myself some big brother points!
Sneakily, I step through the halls towards the living room and peek my head inside. There, I see my target, lying on her stomach with her back exposed. She is looking at the television, watching it very fixedly. This allows me even more advantage for what I'm planning on doing.
I close in on her on sneakily cover her eyes with quick, soundless movements. She starts, pulling her head up a bit. I followed the motion with my hands as well. I lean in nearer to her ears before she could think of turning around and whispers into it.
"Tsukihi-chan~ Guess who~."
She tilts her head to the side, away from me when I whisper this and take a cautious sniff of the air. After two testing sniff, she sighs disappointingly and responds to me.
"Onii-chan, you're not very good at this. If you wanted to make it harder, at least disguise your voice."
My voice? How'd you figure out that it was my voice from smelling the air? What kind of absurd superpower is that?
"I wanted to smell if the scent of perfume was coming from you."
Mind reading?! No... this skit is overdone. Yeah, I said it aloud, I know.
"Perfume?"
I pull one of my shirt's sleeve up to my nose to take a sniff of it. I smell nothing but ramen. I look down at the still blinded Tsukihi with questioning eyes. She doesn't take any action to push my hands away when I return it to its duty of covering her eyes.
"Yeah, a mix of the kitchen scent and wildflower. It's strange that someone would combine those two but I approve. Your girlfriend's got good taste, Onii-chan."
Wait wha- girlfriend? Who, Senjougahara? How'd you find out about her identity already? I've been keeping that one a secret. No, wait. If we're talking about context, isn't she talking about Uzumaki Naruko?
"She's not my girlfriend, we just hanged out and ate some ramen."
"Oh, so that explains that smell of ramen. Did you bring back some for me?"
"An extra large portion."
Upon hearing that I have something for her, Tsukihi rolls over and turns her gaze to me. Well, her gaze was on me for only a second. She locks on to the take out bag a moment later when she sensed her true objective. She sits up and gives me a big hug while stretching out to grab hold of the bag in the same action. With a jovial "Thanks, Onii-chan~", she takes off to the kitchen to get the food ready for eating.
I stay on the couch and watch her run off until she's out of sight. Pulling up my other sleeve, I take a small sniff to smell more ramen. Rather than the smell of kitchen and wildflower, didn't you only smell ramen, Tsukihi?
Challenges to put in the story!
*Find a logical aberration for Naruto.
*Make this Naruto the same Uzumaki Naruto that everyone's familiar with, the one from the Naruto universe. Whether he was displaced, slipped, reborn or just plainly cloned, this Uzumaki Naruto should know everything about his life as the one in the Elemental Nations.
*Have fun writing the story~!